trust issues

[Blues Clues]

I've been in a relationship with my bf for 5 months now.He is a great guy and I like him a lot. I have always had trust issues due to my past relationships but I try not to hinder my current relationship but I can't help it sometimes... So, my bf texted me earlier this week saying there is this new female coworker at his work who happens to be from his hometown and he went out on lunch with her.Since then I am freaking out about this whole situation. I feel like I'm over thinking too much and I know I shouldn't worry about it too much. But is that normal? Like you meet a new person and you go on lunch? And he has her number ...he told me he invited her to go on lunch again! I haven't asked him anything yet because I don't wanna sound like a crazy, jealous gf. I'm scared but I wanna trust him.

How should I approach this?

[SooSad33]

From my standpoint?

 

Don't worry about it. 1) sounds like they've known each other a while- is from his hometown.

2) he openly admitted it. (if it were a bad thing, he'd consider hiding the fact).

 

Now, if this goes on for much more 'lunches', then you can start barking abt it. But it may just be a bit of excitement and will slow down soon.

[SooSad33]

By the way... if your trust issues are that bad? Might i suggest you look into some counselling? So it doesn't affect you to the point you're assuming all of your bf's are messing around.

Especially bad, if they aren't.

[ParisPaulette]

It's simple, you ask him why he feels the need to have lunch with a female coworker--twice. And to have her personal numbe???? WTH? Just be honest and tell him it worries you, because it just isn't something you would do or find acceptable--i.e. you wouldn't invite a new attractive male coworker to lunch and then do it again. And get the guy's digits too. Personally I think once okay, fine. But to do it again? Now it's starting to cross the line into date-like situations and no, this isn't acceptable. Office friendships are one thing, but most people have enough common sense to know they shouldn't be inviting out that new opposite sex coworker for one-on-one lunches and other activities when they have an SO in the picture. So yes, it's very troubling. While they have the same hometown I don't get from your post that they actually know each other beyond that one thing, so it's more than a little weird to be that excited about someone based on that alone. I've had that same thing happen and it was just that he and I talked about it for ten minutes or here and there in passing. We never went to lunch and I never felt a need to get his phone number either.

 

I would confront him head on calmly, rationally, but tell him it's not something you are comfortable with and more importantly, you don't think he should be either. This is the point in the relationship where you have to set boundaries and while I'm all for having friends, both sexes included, you are correct to be concerned about this type of behavior. Getting her personal number especially I would find troubling since that and the second lunch are clear signs he's intent on seeing more of her in a nonwork aspect.

 

If he blows it off and tells you you're being paranoid, refuses to talk or gets upset or angy then he's definitely hiding something. He may just not be thinking straight, she may be 55 years old and married and he just feels safe in that there is no chance of possible attraction. Or he may be pushing those boundaries to see just how far he can take things and how long you'll let him skate on thin ice. You won't know until you actually speak up and find out exactly what's going on, so it's time to speak up for what you want and to establish your boundaries too since you are the other half of this relationship. And if you have alarm bells ringing now this early I'd pay more attention to those, learn from your past mistakes rather than let them just color your opinions. If you've been cheated on you know the signs, you know what activities are basically playing with fire, and you have intuition as well. Pay attention to that. It's only paranoia if you think he's having lunch with female coworkes when he isn't and hasn't ever said or done anything that shows he is.

 

I'm going to guess this has maybe come up before where you felt something was indeed going on, either with him or with previous relationships, and the person in question basically gave you such grief over it that it's made you doubt your own perceptions. But the thing is you have to learn to trust yourself first before you really can ever trust anyone else again. And no right now you aren't being paranoid or jealous or anything but seeing what I do too--a pretty big red flag. Deal with it now and either it gets sorted out or you keep looking for the guy you can trust, but pretending it doesn't bother you and encouraging him to keep seeing her for lunch even if by staying silent is not the way to solve the problem.

[Mesemene]

Is it normal?

 

It depends. She's the "new kid in town" and if he's a "nice guy" and discovered she's from his hometown, it may be normal for him to reach out to help her feel welcome.

 

At the same time - you need to let him know what part of this makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it would feel less threatening if he asked some of his other co-workers along to broaden her circle of new work friends. Or maybe you and some of his co-workers including her could meet up.

 

He is being open and upfront, so I wouldn't be hitting the panic button. Just sit down with him and calmly discuss how you feel, that you don't want to let your feelings ruin your relationship with him, and see what you can work out together that might make you more comfortable without making him feel he's paying for your ex'es screwups.

[Blues Clues]

Thank u guys!! This definitely helps!!!

[Ms Darcy]

I think it's odd he texted you that versus tellin you in person. Best you can do is talk to him about it and ask open ended questions.