Is it wise to ignore my ex-bf's messages if I want him back?

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Princess,

 

thanks for your post. You are soooo right! Today when I met my friend she asked why I dont just send him a message and ask if he would like to meet, but I said I could not do that. I dont want to talk to him and hear that he is doing good, having fun and very busy this weekend. If I talk to him, than only to hear that he misses me and wants to get back together. Everything else just wont cut it.

 

I think I should change my number too. That way I wont expect a message from him all the time. I also wish that I could go away for a month or so. When I spent a week in Canada 2 weeks ago, I felt so much better, just because we were physically apart. My next vacation is in february, and that seems very far away right now.

 

I read somewhere why women find it so much harder to move on from a breakup. A woman tends to build her life around her relationship, and so when her relationship ends her whole life falls apart.

 

Whereas men see the relationship only as part of their lifes. They still keep their friends, their hobbies, their jobs,... and so when their relationship ends there is only one part of their life that is gone, and not the whole thing.

 

I know that of course not all men are like these, but I guess the majority might act this way.

 

In general I believe that the one breaking up is always the one who finds it easier to move on, unless he/she was forced to break up because of the other's horrible behaviour.

 

It's funny that you should mention that book. Only today I spoke about it to a friend, and I am considering getting it. Even if just for laughs.

 

I am going to keep doing what I am doing for now, which is counting the days until next friday when I know he is going on a vacation to England till the end of the year. At least than I wont be expecting a message anymore, and I can walk through town without fearing to run into him.

 

Thanks to everyone who is reading my post and giving me their insights

[Mun]

Get the book and let me know if it doesn't change the way you see relationships.

 

That's just one of the books I've read this year. It's full of stories and suggestions for you to become a stronger woman and not be a doormat anymore... and not just with men but with family, friends and co-workers. I don't care for the title much...but never judge a book by it's cover right?

 

From Doormat to Dreamgirl

[Tryingtobestrong]

So today is day 4 of NC. I know, not much, but to me it seems very long.

 

I am trying to understand why an ex would not contact you anymore, when he normally does. Could he have met someone new, just not think about you, does not want to give you false hope, thinks you dont want to hear from him....? I guess there are many reasons, would love to know why my particular ex is not writing.

 

I have a question for you good people. My friend yesterday said that she thought it would be my turn to write again as I sent a card and he answered it. Do you agree?

 

I think because I initiated contact and he replied, it would be his turn to initiate contact this time. I hate all this awkwardness after a breakup. It seems so easy to fall in love and start a relationship. I remember when me met and both liked each other we just contacted each other when we wanted and I never had to worry about why he is not writing or calling.

 

I would like the idea that it would be my turn to write again, because then I could tell myself that he is waiting for a mail from me.

 

I noticed something disencouraging. I am feeling worse now than 2 months ago. Lately I barely seem to have the energy to get out of bed, I cry all the time and I am cutting way too many classes at university because I just cant be bothered to get out bed in the morning.

 

Why is that? could it be because I am losing hope and start to believe that this is over for good? And is that a bad thing? Will my accepting it is over keep him from coming back in the end? Or is this the best way to get him back? To accept that it is over and move on? I hope the second option is the right one. At least than I can see something positive in my letting go of hope. I am just a bit superstitous and have a feeling that if I let go in my heart and head, then I will jinx it and he really will never come back.

 

Anyone know of a couple where the dumpee accepted that it was over, tried to move on and the dumper still came back?

 

One last question (for now). The longest he went without contacting me was 6 days, I went NC for 17 days. How long do you think it will take him now to contact me again? Does it have anything to do with past experiences? When is it time to start panicking? Or never? Could it be that I dont hear from him for 2 months and then suddenly he calls wanting to get back together or is that rather unlikely?

 

Thanks for listening to my vent. I am off now to meet a friend and go the Marc Chagall exhibit at a local galery. Look forward to reading your replies.

[PrincessLinzay]

~Tryingtobestrong~

 

Everything that you're going through right now is perfectly normal. The wondering what they're doing, who they may or may not be with, if they're thinking about and missing you, if they're having fun without you..... Everyone goes through this after a breakup. NC works because it makes them wonder the same things. Even though they dumped you, it's hard for them to understand why you aren't calling and trying to get them back.

 

There's no time limit for NC. It's different for everyone. Some people only last a few days, while others can go months. (Don't be discouraged if you don't hear from him right away).

 

I also disagree with your friend about it being your turn to contact him. His message didn't require a response, and since you initiated contact, this time it's all up to him. Hang in there.

[Mun]

I think the ball is entirely in his court. He is the one that broke up ...remember?

 

I'm afraid that if you keep initiating contact he will never develop the deep desire to win you back---why? if you are still around and still hoping for him then he can prolong this as much as he wants( someone told me that once ) . NO. What creates desire is not knowing if you will get something or not. Of course all this depends on whether or not he wants to get back.. and the only way to know that is if HE starts calling you and asks you back. If you are the one to call him and look for him then you won't know if he WANTS to see you or not--it will just cause more confusion. Do you see it?

 

What you need to do now is get very busy in your life. Do not neglect your studies, pamper yourself by doing nice things you love. Just be really good to yourself and you will start thinking less of him during the day.

 

You are special and any guy would be lucky to have you. Trust yourself in this and in any other relationship. Obsessing won't bring him back... letting go sometimes does

 

Love

[FleX]

Hello... it seems like everyone is doing a great job to help you cope with your situation. However let's look at the root of the problem. You say that he was was not happy six months into the relationship.

 

Since about march he told me that he would rather we break up because he does not think that he can give me what I want and need. But I always talked him out of it by saying that as long as we still love each other, we should keep on fighting for our relationship.

 

What made him turn like this? Communication? Did things turn stale? What needs to be changed? Maybe he mentally moved on. Perhaps there was something that YOU needed to do to change? Maybe both of you needed more time to adjust. Perhaps living together was more than he could handle... OR maybe he really needed space.

 

I could go on with another 100 reasons why... but my point is that even though you do get back together how would things be different than it was before? If there is change within from both parties it would definitely work out. I really hope things work out to your liking. Be strong and optimistic.

 

One more thing. I have the feeling that this board is slightly biased when it comes to men and women breaking up simply because women will stick to their own rationality. Same goes with the men. [/i]

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi Flex,

 

good question. What happened in march? Well, the truth is that he finally got a job after looking for one for 7 months. He hated being unemployed and was desperate for finding a job. He had decided that he was going to go back to England in may if he did not find a job by then, but then he did in march.

 

When he found it he was very happy about getting a job, but started getting uneasy about our relationship. I think it might have made him realise that this might be something permanent and I have always suspected that he was a commitment phobe.

 

When we moved in together a year before that, things went really badly and after 2 months I told him that I could not take it anymore and was going to leave. The whole time he had practically ignored me and spend 4 nights a week plus one day of the weekend out with friends.

 

He admitted that he was acting unfair but told me that living together was just more overwhelming then he would have expected. I did not move out but we were in a very bad place for about 2 months till things started getting better again.

 

So when he got his job this march he might have started feeling like he was getting too commited and told me that he wanted to move out. I said okay, if that's what you want, but then he backbaddled. I went on vacation with a friend and when I came back he decided to give it another try.

 

The job he got was only temporary until september and then he planned on going back to England if they did not prolong his contract. It seemed for a long time that he would not get his contract prolonged and I think that the thought of only being here until September made him stay even though he mentioned a few times that we should separate because he did not want to marry or have kids in the next few years.

 

Unexpectedly his contract was prolonged indefinetly in September. I thought we were both happy about it, but on the 1st of October he told me that he was moving out.

 

So looking back I know that he was unsure about our relationship for a long time, but because he did not expect to stay here longer, he did not go through with the breakup. Once he knew he was going to stay for a longer time, he left.

 

I know, it all sounds very bad. Not very likely that he is wanting to get back together and I am losing hope.

 

One of the things that does give me hope still is the fact that whenever he said it would be better to separate, he also told me that he really loved me and while he was unsure about many things, that was one thing he knew for sure.

 

I think the commitment scared him. We bought furniture together in may because my cupboard was falling apart, and it took him really long to agree to buying it, because he worried about what would happen if we would separate. When he moved out in october I offered to pay him back his share but he declined, so I dont think it was the financial commitment that scared him.

 

I hope that he will come back in time, once he realised that he was actually happy in our relationship, but I am afraid that he will offer to get back if I dont insist on a marriage or children. But I want a marriage and children so I am afraid that I would take him back in hopes of him changing his mind, but he would never do it and I would endlessly be frustrated.

 

I have come to realise that the best thing for us right now is time apart so we can both find out what we really want, but I still miss him loads.

 

Sorry for this really long rant.

 

What did you mean by this post being biased? In what way?

[PrincessLinzay]

~Flex~

 

One more thing. I have the feeling that this board is slightly biased when it comes to men and women breaking up simply because women will stick to their own rationality. Same goes with the men.

 

Not exactly used in the correct context, but I understood what you were trying to say. I have to disagree however. Many of the men and the women on these boards are in agreement about break ups and the steps one should take following a breakup. Regardless of sex, we've all gone through many of the exact same emotions. Men and women are not so different when it comes to human suffering.

 

~Tryingtobestrong~

 

There were definitely unresolved issues in the relationship. It is indeed the best thing right now for you both to have space and time to breath and reflect.

 

Many women have made the same mistake of staying with a man who did not want marriage and children, in the hopes of changing their mind. Then when they don't change their mind, you would become resentful, eventually maybe even breaking up again. Maybe there is a reason for this breakup, even though it wasn't at your initiation? You're still doing very well and I hope you keep it up!

[ebola316]

I was wondering the same thing. If we got together again would, we still be arguing, bickering and stuff.

 

Mind you, I wasn't happy when he was here.. I was content but not happy. Without him him here I'm miserable though.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi everone, I am feeling really low right now.

 

A month ago was the last time I saw my ex and I miss him so much. I left my mobile at home all day and hoped that I would have a message from him when I came home, but there was none.

 

Then my sister called and asked me for his new phone number because her pc has a virus and he is an IT engineer.

 

I gave it to her and while she spoke to him I felt so sad and heartbroken because everyone can just call him and speak to him but I cant.

 

Why of all the people in the world am I the one who can not just call him and talk to him? I miss him so much and I so want to hear his voice.

 

While I am typing this I am sobbing so strongly, I cant believe it. It is like I just had contact with him even though it was through another person, and I realise that I am so not over him yet. Even after 2.5 months, 1 month of not seeing him and no contact from him for 2 weeks, besides his reply to my ecard last week.

 

I feel so bad, I miss him so much. Why is not he contacting me? Does not he miss me?

 

My sister asked him how he was doing and he said that he was doing fine, mostly working but looking forward to going to England next friday. She said he did not sound as happy as usual, but maybe he just did not want to seem too happy to her.

 

He asked about a few people and among them about me. My sister told him that I was doing fine, lots of work and studying and that I was on vacation in Canada. She said he sounded surprised when she told him about my vacation.

 

Do you think it was a mistake that my sister called him? I asked her to make sure that he does not think I asked her to call him, and she said it did not come accross this way.

 

Does this mean that NC was broken and I have to start counting again? When is he going to contact me again? How long does it take for a guy to realise that he loves you and wants you back? It's already been over 2 months. I can't believe I am still hurting so much, feels like I just made a huge step back.

 

And that after I decided to leave my mobile at home from now on so I wont be checking for messages all the time. I thought I was progressing.

 

I feel so sad right now, I just cant stop crying.

 

If he is not that happy, then why does not he contact me? Maybe he is just feeling lonely, but knows that he does not want to get back together again.

 

I dont know why but since yesterday I started worrying that he is going to send me a 'goodbye-email'. You know, a mail in which he writes that it is over for good and that I should not be hoping anymore.

 

I dont want to hear that. I'd rather not hear from him anymore then have him tell me that. I hope he is not going to write that, but somehow I have a feeling that he is going to. Maybe so he can feel set free completely.

 

If anyone has anything encouraging and inspiring to say, then please do so. I feel so bad right now.

[ebola316]

Hi trying,

 

Mine isn't calling anymore either. Thats what I mean about not getting used to these phone calls. We become dependant on each little message or call from them, and when they stop, it's like breaking up all over again.

 

It's possible they've moved on. I don't know. But I won't give him the satifaction of calling him to find out.

 

It's been 2 weeks, and I think last night was about as bad as it could possibly get. I get so tempted to call since he hasn't contacted me in 4 days, but I haven't let myself do it.

 

Like I said before, if they missed us, they would contact us. In the meantime, there's nothing for us to do, but go with the flow. Take the pain, cry, scream. We can't stop the pain right now, so there's no use fighting it.

 

Write back and let me know how you're feeling.

[nix]

I feel for you, in fact it made me cry (not your fault, I am just an emotional wreck at the moment!) to hear that you are so low but at the same time really angry. You know what, how dare they control our emotions like they do I can't believe it is possible for another human being to make us feel so bad! Especially when not so long ago they made us feel so loved and happy and whole and now make us feel like the world has caved in…how can that be?

 

I had the worst weekend I have spent most of it in a state of disbelief at what is happening, and uncontrollable crying…like you I feel worse now than I did before. My ex has been so nice to me but not in a way that he's trying to win me back, more like he's happy we've finished and he's now a much happier person…I wish he'd be horrible to me it would make this whole thing easier.

 

Your NC thing must be really hard on you but I think it really is the best thing you can do at the moment. As hard as it is try to accept that you and he will probably never get back together then you can deal with the worst and if he decides to call or wants to get back with you then you will be in a better state emotionally to decide if it is what you want. He is probably doing NC too so don't be too hard on yourself, he must be sad to I don't believe that men are that hard that they can just switch off their feelings.

 

I really need to move out of this place and be away from him right now as seeing him all the time is really hard, it makes me want him more and is not helping me come to terms with it at all. The thought of leaving makes me physically sick but it has to happen soon before I really do go crazy.

 

Keep your chin up and if its any consolation you are most definitely not alone.xxx

[ebola316]

Are you still living with him nix?

[nix]

I am yes and I know I shouldnt be, I am trying to find a place and hopefully will move out in Jan. I cant leave right now as I'm not strong enough to...pathetic I know! My breakup is a mess really and all very confusing.

 

I dont know much about your breakup but gather you are having a tough time too! If you need to chat I am a willing listener, it helps me to help you! xxx

[PrincessLinzay]

~TryingtobeStrong~

 

Unfortunately hun, there will be days like this. There's periods of up and down. Sometimes you'll feel really good, and other times you'll feel.....well.....not so good.

 

Just because he's not calling, doesn't mean he's forgotten about you, doesn't miss you, and is on the verge of sending you a "it's over for good" email. You're doing the right thing in not contacting. Hard as it may be.

 

I know it seems really bad right now, but you will have other days that are better. Hang in there and try to keep yourself busy busy.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I am glad for you that he called and you were able to have a good conversation. It sounds like you are doing much better and I am very happy for you.

 

Keep your chin up.. you are doing good.

 

Love

[Tryingtobestrong]

HELP

 

I need some advice here.

 

Ever since friday night I have been thinking about the text message he sent me and about my reaction to it. (i.e. calling him right back) and I think I made a big mistake.

 

I think that I should have either ignored his message or sent something back like 'Am I your personal information center?'.

 

I reread his message and noticed that he did not even say please or thank you. His message went like this: "Hi X, sorry to bother you. When are the buses leaving for the airport?"

 

I think that was very inpolite, especially for him, who is ALWAYS polite and has great manners, unless he hates someone.

 

So I think I should have ignored him or maybe written: 'Once you remember your manners, send me a message and maybe I will reply to that.'

 

Or I could have said: 'Did you drop your manners at the same time you dropped me, or have you forgotten how to spell please and thanks?.'

 

I can think of a million things I could have said or done, and none of them include calling him to give him the info he asked for.

 

I am really angry at myself right now. Do you all agree that I messed up?

 

I am also confused by the fact how angry i am at him lately. When I think about little things like this message, or other things he said and did, I want to send him a really nasty email.

 

Why is that happening? Is that a phase in the grieving process? Does that mean it is over for good and I have reached the point where I would not take him back? But in my head and my heart I still want him back. I dont know where these angry feelings are coming from. I can deal with sadness, but this is new and I dont like it.

 

What should I do now? Send him an angry mail? Ignore his messages from now on? Tell him what I think about his lack of manners the next time he gets in touch? Or just forget about it? Seem casual and uninterested when he tries to make contact?

 

Aaaahh, I dont know what to do. I hate this. Up until a short while ago I knew I wanted him back and that was my main aim, now I have these unpleasant feelings, and I dont have an outlet for them.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation or just has some suggestions on what I should do? I would sincerely appreciate it.

 

If anyone has some insight on why he sent me such an inpolite text, I would appreciate that too. My theory is that he was expecting me to ignore his message or either send him a cold reply, and he was preparing himself for that.

 

I still have not figured out WHY exactly he contacted me at all. Surely not to find out the bustimes, come on. So maybe he was just testing the waters to see how I would react. So I guess I totally messed up when I called him back, did not I?

 

Please anyone with insight, enlighten me! Thanks.

[LilithCave22]

trying--

 

I don't know that I am the best at giving advice as I am going through a heartbreak right now as well.

 

Anyway, I think you are starting to over analyze that text message a little too much. It was your first contact in a month and you've probably read it over and over again trying to read more into it than there really is. No one can say why he sent it and the best thing to do is think NOTHING of it.

 

The last time I spoke to my ex, I over analyzed to the point that I convinced myself there was still a chance for this... I think that was probably the furthest thing from the truth as my ex already has a new gf.

 

The best thing for you to do is keep moving on. Don't contact your ex and don't send an angry message. I don't think you messed up anything by contacting him. You had a nice conversation and kept it short. What more can you do?

 

and, yes, anger is a part of the healing process. I get angry at my ex every day and want to send a nasty email or text but I never do because I know in an hour I will be back to feeling depressed over the loss.

 

Stay strong and keep focusing on you. I hope this helps!

[PrincessLinzay]

~Tryingtobestrong~

 

Ahhh, the next step after contact.....overanalyzing every little thing. The things that at first made you happy, start to make you think that everything was wrong. This is pretty normal. Don't send a nasty email, you would regret that. Stick to plan A and only contact him if he contacts you. His message wasn't particularly rude, he was using it as an excuse to contact you. Look at the positives.

 

Keep your head up, you're doing famously!

[Mun]

I agree with everyone, don't sent an angry email, in fact make a point to ignore any rude messages and only engage him when he is being polite and respectful. He will catch on that you expect to be respected and will either treat you that way or leave you alone. You'll see.

 

Don't worry about whether or not you messed up.. just let it go for now.

 

Hang in there.

 

Love

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear everyone,

 

thanks for your replies. I am going to listen to you and not send him a mail or text complaining about his lack of manners.

 

Maybe you are right Princess, and his message was not particulary rude. Just seems that way to me.

 

I am trying to not think about it and him so much, but thoughts of him are in my mind all the time.

 

Thanks for your help. I will keep you posted of any updates.

 

Happy holidays to all of you out there!

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi everyone, today I am feeling really bad and I need to vent.

 

It has been 10 days since he left for England and sent me that message after which I called him back.

 

I did not hear from him during those 10 days, not even for Christmas, and while I have many explanations to myself why he did not contact me, I cant stop realising that if he cared about me, if he missed me and wanted to hear from me he would have sent me a message or something.

 

He is coming back tomorrow, and I am so tempted to go to the airport and pick him up. It has been so long since I last saw him (over 6 weeks) and I so want to see him again.

 

I am having good days most of the time and I know I dont need him, but I want him. But I want him soooo much.

 

I just miss him so much and there are so many things happening in my life and I cant help but think about him all the time and how much better everything would be if he were here.

 

Yes, I realise that what I want is someone who loves me and who I love back, but the thing is that I love HIM!

 

I have signed up with various dating sites and met a few very nice men online, but that does not take my mind off him.

 

To think that in the beginning of our relationship I wanted to break up with him because I thought he was too boring for me. He was the 'good' guy, but no challenge, and so I told him that I liked him but did not think that we would have a future. That was during the first 2 months of our relationship. He told me that this was always his problem. Women told him that he was 'too good' for them (translating into too nice). He cried back then and told me that he loved me and did not want to lose me.

 

I decided to stay because I really liked him and told myself that it was better to go with the good guy then the exciting one. After a few months I fell in love with him and did not feel that way anymore, but I always thought that he was the good guy who would not break my heart.

 

Well, guess what. Even good guys fall out of love and break up with their girlfriends.

 

It has been 3 months already, why do I still feel so bad? When am I going to feel better about it? When will I be able to stand the thought that he does not love me anymore and will not be my boyfriend again?

 

This is so hard. On the one hand I am grateful that he does not contact me and mess with my mind, but on the other I would love to hear from him so much.

 

He is coming back tomorrow. I know that from that time on I am going to check my mobile again all the time and count the days till he contacts me. I hate feeling this way, but I dont see a way out right now. I wish I could just fly away for a couple of months and only come back when I am feeling better.

 

Sorry for my long vent, but thanks for reading it.

[PrincessLinzay]

Im sorry to hear that you're having a bad day hun. Wish I could say something that would make you feel better.

 

There are going to be rough days, and venting is exactly what you're supposed to do! Just because he didn't call, doesn't mean that he doesn't care, could be that he's just waiting until he returns.

 

Yeah, you can never really guess which guys are nice guys and which ones aren't. I don't think it's possible for anyone to be "nice" all the time. Im often quite surprised by the antics of men in general. Just when you think you know someone......BAM.....they do something completely out of character.

 

Hang in there. There are good days and bad days a plenty.

[Tryingtobestrong]

Hi Princess,

 

thanks for your reply. I am also telling myself that he is waiting until he returns to contact me, but he has his mobile with him, so there is no real explanation/excuse that he did not send me a small message for Christmas.

 

I know, I am jewish and I dont celebrate Christmas, but still. Somehow I feel that he would have send me a message if he cared.

 

Yeah, you can never know someone totally. I still think he is a good guy, but maybe just not the guy who loves me enough to spend his life with me.

 

I wish I knew if he really wants to spend some time alone, as he told me. Or if he just does not want to be with me and is looking for a new girlfriend. I am too scared to ask though, and who knows if he would tell me anyway.

 

When I search on dating sites for profiles, I am always scared to come accross his profile. If I saw his profile and he said that he was looking for a girlfriend, I think that would destroy me. thereforeeee I never dare look for someone in my area.

 

I just wish it was tuesday already so I could see if he contacts me or not. The last contact we had was pleasant and non-pressuring, so I hope he feels comfortable to contact me again. On the other hand though I dont want him to contact me if he has someone new or knows for sure that he does not want to get back together anymore. I dont want to tell him that though, because that would sound needy and i dont want him to know that he still holds this power over me.

 

If he should contact me (oh please, please do) I am planning on replying friendly and casually. No asking why he did not contact me earlier and no love declaration either.

 

Wow, I guess I needed to vent some more. Thanks for reading and thanks for your thoughts.

 

Feeling a bit better now.

[Hope75]

Hi Trying,

 

Venting is what we do here......*sigh*

 

I am having a hard day too. Today is 4 weeks since my live in bf of 2 years broke up with me. We have been keeping in contact, and are talking about possibly reconciling. ( I know I want him back, and he is not sure yet, though he says he still loves me)

 

you can follow my story here:

 

link removed

 

More recently (Xmas eve) I had a bit of a breakdown with him, crying & all, you can read it on my post... but I have decided to give him some of the control as he told me Sat morning that part of it is the "thrill of the chase" so I told him "ok, here I am, chase me!"

 

I told him next time he wants to talk he can call me, and he can make plans when he wants to get together.

 

Today so far he has called me twice! He went to another state for the day for a family holiday dinner, but he called me this morning before he left and then from there this evening as he was getting ready to leave there. He said he will call when he gets hoome safely too, (it's snowing hard here). I did tell him I'd like it if he didn't mind for him to let me know he got home safely,. but the other calls he initiated.

 

I was struck by what you said about browsing online personals, and being afraid to see his picture. I met my guy on an internet personals site, and since our breakup, just this week I have forced myself to look at guys online, but in truth the thought of being with anyone else sickens and depresses me.

 

I hope you are doing OK, it is a tough time right now.

 

Hope