My boyfriend and his ex are making me feel like the bad guy.

[pl3asehelp]

Your mistake was ever getting involved with this loser in the first place. You will never be his priority, which is sad if you decide to accept that for yourself.

[SapphireNoir10]

If I met a guy who told me his ex would always be in the picture and they didn't have kids together and there was no REAL reason for it I wouldn't start dating them in the first place.

 

I would not be ok with this situation in the first place. However I think your being more than fair by letting them have their friendship and your just saying you want to stay out of that. I don't blame you at all!

[PurpleButterfly]

I try to be fair. I felt like I have no right to tell him who he can and cant be friends with, even if that's an ex. Obviously I didn't/don't like the situation, I was a lot worse in the early stages when I was learning just how close they were. It use to drive me insane when she'd phone him up for things. What made it worse is that every story he tells me has Harriet in it. I appreciate he has a past with this woman and with it being a long history then of course she's going to be involved in all his stories. But it use to make me savage. I'd go silent, I'd walk off, I'd just get so angry. But I'm better now. I've managed to accept their friendship to point. As I said he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. Although yes, I didn't know how close they were until we were further along in our relationship and now I'm so in love with Joseph that it's really hard to break away from him.

 

They broke up because they argued something rotten, he'd then self harm etc ... they worked together, lived together and shared the same friendship group and he couldn't get any alone time without her questioning his every move. (His words not mine). However when they broke up the apparently got on so much better as friends than as a couple. And honestly I thought that was great. I really did, I thought it was healthy to still be friends after a 16 year relationship that had some really rocky periods. She cheated on him at one point, they were even engaged and she bought her dress which she never got to wear. So to a point, I understood that they were friends.

 

What I find difficult is how she gets to have a fiance and have my boyfriend as an errand boy for her and her mother. I hate that her fiance is super cool with it because as I keep saying, I feel obliged to be the same and when I refuse, I look like the broken link in the little foursome.

 

I just don't want to meet her. It feels like too much. And yes, I am a complete ahole at times, I really am. If I had to meet her I'd be rude and unsociable because I'd be so uncomfortable and angry in her presence that being pleasant would be so difficult. I can accept their friendship. I don't like it, but I love Joseph and if she has to be part of the package then fine. I've got better, but I still get niggled by it.

 

I don't know how I can meet her and watch her and Joseph laugh and joke together. And when her fiance and Joseph hang out together (they're really good friends) I don't know that I could be friendly to Harriet.

 

Joseph isn't a loser to me. I know I haven't highlighted any good qualities, but he has them. I just love him fiercely that I just can't imagine letting him go now. So I guess as you people have said, I need to deal with it. I just don't know how to overcome my stubbornness, insecurity and immaturity because I know I have demonstrated immaturity.

 

I don't know why she bothers me. All I can think of is that it's because she's so deeply connected to Joseph and I'm jealous and nervous I wont have that, even though he confides in me about everything and anything. He really does talk to me, but I just can't open up about my jealousy. I don't want her to know about my insecurities either because she just plays the sympathy, goody two shoes card to make me look bad.

 

I know that one day I have to meet her, to see the situation in reality to put my imagination at rest, but I'm not ready yet. I haven't even met all his friends and family yet. To who she knows well. Every person in Joseph's life is connected to Harriet, so I'm hoping we can make friends that she isn't connected with.

[Realitynut]

I was in that same damn boat....except i got to SEE the ex (wife) do things that i thought as mildly flirtatious. Dan just told me ...and i quote....she just knows how to have fun, and you don't.! Grrr.

 

It sounds to me as if she is hanging onto him emotionally. (But that was MY feelings....and doesn't make them right.) I thought, and i told my ex....she should treat her HUSBAND as her husband, not YOU as her husband. It seemed as if she had two husbands, one she had sex with, and one she was friends with.

 

But something happened (with the kids) that she sided with me on, and i felt closer to her after that. But then i was dumped. lol

 

My best advice would be to meet Harriet as soon as possible. Not that you have to be buddies with her, and 'hang' with her, but SEE her. See how she reacts to you and interacts with him. Does she treat him REALLY just as a friend. Could you like her? Could you all eventually hang out as friends....seeing that he is also friends with HER fiance?

 

It is a weird situation. But i don't think you should let your feelings fester. Brings resentment....not good. TALK. Tell bf how you feel. When you get to know Harriet, tell her your jealousies. That you feel hurt when every story has HER in it....and that she shared such a deep connection to him. And see what she says. Maybe she isn't being the 'goody two shoes' just to make you look bad. Maybe she really does want to be friends with you. Ya never know.

 

I always talked about my ex too....and i find that it was cuz i wasn't over him yet! Start making STORIES of just YOU too. And when he reminisces....they will be about what YOU TWO did together. Tell him you don't want to hear about her constantly.

 

He can easily say, i remember the time i climbed Mount Joe's Mountain...blah, blah, blah. He doesn't have to say, i remember when Harriet and i climbed Mount Joe's. Suggest that to him. Tell stories, but leave her name out. You can just assume she was there!

 

BTW...i would stop those drug runs ASAP!!!

[Kendahke]

I think if I met her, I probably would vent it all out. But I wouldn't want to be nasty about it.. but I would be. I'd be a real jerk about it. I also don't need Joseph giving me a hard time because I'm horrible to his best friend. He's so close to her that I can tell if I told her how I felt, he would react badly.

 

so instead, you'd rather drive up your blood pressure and be fake? You don't like his friend. You think she's a condescending ditch. You hate that he's friends with her and will not drop her off at the mall. You're already horrible to his friend--you're just ingesting the acid yourself doing damage to you.

 

Let him react whatever way he wants to react. He's telling you that you come in second to his friend... I wouldn't react calmly to that, either. If she's so grand, then why doesn't he just go be with her?

 

There is nothing worse than the man you supposedly love making you feel like second fiddle to a friend he's told you will not be going anywhere in his life. There is no room for you in the #1 position or priority with him. Tell yourself what you will, but that's the truth. For my own self worth, I would never accept such terms for any man. His sex cannot be that good that you'd sell yourself short to come in second just in order to have him.

[pl3asehelp]

She apparently doesn't think she can do any better and find a man who puts her before his ex. This in my opinion is the number one root cause of all relationship problems - people with low self esteem allowing others to treat them poorly. If you don't look out for yourself in life, nobody else will and you will be perpetually pushed around and used by others.

[PurpleButterfly]

She apparently doesn't think she can do any better and find a man who puts her before his ex. This in my opinion is the number one root cause of all relationship problems - people with low self esteem allowing others to treat them poorly. If you don't look out for yourself in life, nobody else will and you will be perpetually pushed around and used by others.

 

That's not entirely true. The problem I face is that I have really strong feelings for Joseph that actually parting from his company is very difficult. Although yes, to an extent I do have low self esteem.

 

What I need to do is overcome my stubbornness and meet his ex and try to get use to the idea that she's part of the package. I just don't don't know how, I'm just not ready.