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My boyfriend and his ex are making me feel like the bad guy.


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Hello everyone,

 

This is more of a venting post because I really don't have any one to talk too who could possibly understand. I'm hoping somewhere on this forum someone can lend an ear or be the voice of reason.

 

Some of you already know my posting history, but for those who don't I'll give a quick run down. I'm with my boyfriend who's 20 years older than me. We've had a few things to iron out but we're actually getting on excellent now. The biggest issue I have to deal with, is his best friendship with his ex girlfriend of 16 years, to whom he was once engaged. They split 2 years ago, she is now engaged to someone else and he is with me. Right from the start Joseph* (my boyfriend) said that anyone who can't accept his friendship with his ex, isn't worth being with. Message received. I didn't like it, but I have gradually with help from Enotaloners, managed to deal with it in my own way, Thank you for your support by the way I haven't met her yet, but I found the friendship really, really difficult as they have so much history together, all his stories include her, he's still close with her Mother, he still visits her on weekends (her fiance is perfectly fine with it), and he goes on weed runs for her. I didn't know how close they were until I was in a relationship with him. It still bothers me, but I have learnt to accept it, almost, sort of. It's just taking time. The way I look at is, is that they're friends and I can't tell him who he can and can't be friends with. Also he has never given me a reason to not trust him, so I trust him. Although if she was single and he visited her I'd probably struggle a butt load with that.

 

Sooo moving on. Harriet (his ex) really, really wants to meet me and be buddies and she always invites me down, but I am simply NOT interested. He can be friends and do whatever the heck he does when he visits, but I really am so uncomfortable with the idea. I really do not want to sit and listen to them laugh and joke together and talk about the good old times etc. I'm sure she's lovely and apparently I'd get on with her really well, but the bottom line is, I do not want to be friends. It really makes me blood boil when she phones him whilst I'm there... it bothers me that she says "oh say hi to Sarah for me!" GRRR JUST F OFF! I get sick of it, she also uses Jo's nickname for me when she refers to me, it makes me cringe.

 

The other day I was helping Jo move house and she phones. And she's all like "Aw don't you forget to make Sarah a nice cup of tea and tell her I said to put her feet up" aww. How kind. Thanks a so much. Sod off now. >.>

 

So anyway, now Joseph is a little uncomfortable with the fact I don't wanna be her buddy. He feels slightly awkward taking calls from her and visiting her. I still don't have much of a problem with his friendship, so he can go on about his business as normal, all I want is to NOT be her friend and to not meet her. What makes it worse, is that her fiance is soooo cool with Joseph being in the picture. It's annoying, it's making me feel and look bad. Why is he so cool with his wife to be hanging out with her long term ex? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Now all I get from Joseph is "Oh Harriet doesn't know what do, what about when we get married and she comes to our wedding" and Harriet is apparently pretty gutted and playing the modest card and saying "Oh I wont get in the way of your relationship Jo, I'm clearly unwanted" and "Oh maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore Jo..."

 

Just shut up. Just go about your lives and respect me enough to not force me into being your buddy. It's not cool with me. I can't stand it. Why does he get her to have her cake and eat it? Why does she get to marry her fella but keep my fella as a her best friend. Am I jealous? YES! I feel like they're going to be way closer than we will ever be.

 

Do you people accept your partners exes? Yes or no, please explain to me why. I need a rational explanation and if you read this post and thought I was being an almighty douche, then please tell me. Because I'm so confused and feeling like the bad guy coming between their friendship. I apparently hurt her feelings and made he uneasy about seeing him.

 

I just don't want to meet her and watch and listen to them have a laugh and joke together. It makes me uncomfortable.

 

Thanks for reading, have a nice day xxxxx

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Well, my hubby's ex isn't THAT close to him, but yes, I've done my best to get friendly with her.

 

At least in part, it's for my stepson's sake. The other part - is for mine. The scenarios my imagination could come up with - far worse than any reality. And *cough* more self-serving - most women are more hesitant to cross into that gray area with a guy who is with a friend than an enemy or unknown. So yeah, we're not bffs or anything, but we're "passing friendly." We don't hang out together, but we talk on occasion, and have gone out with the kids a time or two. It's enough for me - and probably for her as well since we have little in common.

 

I won't say your feelings are unreasonable. I would reconsider the potential benefits of including yourself in the "circle" that includes the ex and her current bf - it might put a lot of your jealousy to rest seeing her with her current guy. And put you in a better position to not wonder about anything.

 

She's engaged, and I'm sure if there was any hanky or panky involved - her fiance wouldn't be cool with it.

 

You don't have to adopt feelings of sisterhood with this lady - but if you could stomach an acquaintanceship, it would probably make your life a lot easier. Everyone has a history - and it sounds like that's just what it is since she's engaged to another - history.

 

So if you can deal - take her out for coffee, air some of your feelings (at least that it feels awkward to you) and see what goes. Much better than having him have to always choose between seeing them (since they're a couple) or staying with you. And hopefully a light acquaintance relationship will be enough to not have this a point of conflict anymore, even if it's conflict within you.

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I'm just left wondering what is the genesis of this extreme reaction you have to her. This has nothing to do with Harriet.

 

why don't you just confront her and blast her one good fashion so that she understands that you hate her? It would get the animosity off your chest, she would know where she stood with you and the invites and politeness that grate on you will stop. Do something proactive about it instead of sulking.

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I don't think you're unreasonable about it. You've not stopped him having a friendship with her. Not wanting to be her friend is your perogative entirely.

 

That said,

 

Now all I get from Joseph is "Oh Harriet doesn't know what do, what about when we get married and she comes to our wedding" and Harriet is apparently pretty gutted and playing the modest card and saying "Oh I wont get in the way of your relationship Jo, I'm clearly unwanted" and "Oh maybe we shouldn't be friends anymore Jo..."

 

is all pretty passive aggressive. I'd be very clear about not putting up with that. You don't deserve to be guilt tripped over this at all.

 

It's lovely that her new partner is cool with it, but them expecting everyone to be, as parr for the course, is unrealistic.

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It's lovely that her new partner is cool with it, but them expecting everyone to be, as parr for the course, is unrealistic.

 

It's because I'm the only one out the four of us who isn't co-operating. And because her fiance is so enthusiastically okay with it, it really makes me look bad. I hoped they would understand, I hoped her fiance might be able to understand even if he couldn't accept it. But no. He makes loads of effort to be friends with Joseph and it reflects badly that I make no effort at all. I'm sorry I just can't do it. Also if I'm forced into a situation I really don't want to be in, I can become difficult to be with. I don't do it on purpose, I'm just wired that way.

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I'm just left wondering what is the genesis of this extreme reaction you have to her. This has nothing to do with Harriet.

 

why don't you just confront her and blast her one good fashion so that she understands that you hate her? It would get the animosity off your chest, she would know where she stood with you and the invites and politeness that grate on you will stop. Do something proactive about it instead of sulking.

 

I think if I met her, I probably would vent it all out. But I wouldn't want to be nasty about it.. but I would be. I'd be a real jerk about it. I also don't need Joseph giving me a hard time because I'm horrible to his best friend. He's so close to her that I can tell if I told her how I felt, he would react badly.

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awww....sounds like my ex bf and his ex-wife!

 

The first time i drove up to his house (4 hrs away) she and her husband (who she cheated on ex with..and then married) were there to 'welcome' me. Later i thought it was to 'scope me out'.

 

Anyway, any time there was a cook out or ANYTHING she was invited. He told me to think of her as 'his sister'....lol

 

She also wanted us to go shopping, etc. Ummmm...nope. And when my ex wanted all of us to go to 'garage sales/rummaging', I'd decline, repeatedly. He was not happy. He blamed ME for his kids not liking me, because i didn't welcome his ex wife with open arms....and made me look like the bad guy.

 

One time i DID have a talk with her. We ALL were at a ballgame, and i asked her to take a walk. And i told her how uncomfortable i was. That they were so close. I did it very nicely. She too said she thinks of him as her brother. ugh. He NEVER talked or saw his REAL sister! Anyway, i thought we were cool about the situation, but then my ex was MAD at ME for talking to her, and said, 'what did she ever do to you?'....lol

 

Funny tho, about the time i was becoming more friendly...he dumped me.

 

His girlfriend after me got along GREAT with her. But they were more of the same 'type'.

 

I also didn't like the fact that she acted like she had TWO HUSBANDS! (my opinion!)

 

 

That being said, I knew a woman once who had a bf. They were in their late 30's. She, her bf, and HIS EX were such great friends, they would all go on vacations together! So it can work.

 

All my friends said it was weird that he wanted to be so close to his ex. But i guess it's just that i can't STAND my ex.

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"Am I jealous? YES! I feel like they're going to be way closer than we will ever be."

 

That pretty much sums it up doesn't it? The problem isn't his friendship, but that he is still deeply emotionally attached to her and you know it. It's really impossible to have a healthy relationship when your partner is more emotionally bonded to another woman than he is to you. In a way, it's emotional cheating. On top of that, she is playing little passive aggressive power trip games, playing the victim how she is just so nice and just doesn't know how to be nice to you so you'll accept her....boohoohooo.... and your guy is falling for that bs like a ton of bricks. She knows what she is doing and she knows how to yank his chain. You are rightfully angry with this situation, because he is easily turning against you instead of standing up for you like your man should. You are in a situation where it's basically you, him and her in a relationship.

 

Having said all that, I think you need to make a choice for yourself whether you can live with this or not. She won't go away, so if you want to stay, no matter how unpalatable, your only choice is to befriend her and pretend like it's all jolly with you. If you are not fine with this, then perhaps it's time to think about moving on and finding someone who will be 100% into you.

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Never thought of getting a book! I better make sure I can hide it well!

 

If you look on Amazon it has a 'Look Inside' so you can read the basics before you risk buying it. It does make total sense though so I hope its worth the risk as you clearly cant go on feeling this way...

 

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I also didn't like the fact that she acted like she had TWO HUSBANDS! (my opinion!)

 

 

That being said, I knew a woman once who had a bf. They were in their late 30's. She, her bf, and HIS EX were such great friends, they would all go on vacations together! So it can work.

 

All my friends said it was weird that he wanted to be so close to his ex. But i guess it's just that i can't STAND my ex.

 

That last bit I can totally sympathize with. She phones up Joseph to go and get her some weed. She says jump and he asks how high lol. It's total bull how she makes him go on weed runs, why can't the lazy moo get it herself, if Joseph is caught he will lose his job. But if he's dumb enough to do her errands and risk everything then what the hey.

 

Also yeah ... she totally wants us to go on holiday as a four. There's absolutely no way. They want to go to the place in Portugal where they went as a couple. NO WAY!

 

I just wish in a way she could show some respect. When she phones him and knows I'm there why can't she phone off and call again some other time? Their phone call makes me sick. The the day she wanted him to check on her Mother and take her shopping. Apparently they treat Joseph like family, which I understand to an extent but I feel like there's 3 of us in this relationship. I want her to be apart of his life, not ours.

 

Sucks. I feel like a douche.

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I think if I pretend I will eventually explode like a volcano. Like you said, she wont go away... she will never go away. I focus to much on how okay her fiance is, he's totally cool, which made me question whether I'm being unreasonable. How is he so okay with it???!!! Also how does he [her fiance] not see the emotional attachment? He's got 40 years on me, he has way more life experience than me.. which makes me think again maybe it's me being immature because I'm younger.

 

What a complication...

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It took a long time to be okay with the friendship, although as you can see I'm still not fully okay with it, but believe it or not I am a lot better. I just struggle with the closeness they have; that meeting her and seeing it in person would be really hard to deal with, but I don't know why. Maybe it is because I'm jealous of the close connection but admitting that would make me feel silly. Seeing them together and laughing and joking would be so difficult, to me would feel like "in your face". Because I don't have the history with him what she does.

 

Also Joseph told Harriet when the broke up he would always be her best friend. She was all "oh you'll meet someone else and never be friends with me" and he was all "no - wont happen, if I meet someone and they can't handle me being friends with you, then they're not worth being with".

 

Also I didn't know just how close they were, he told me they were close but it was only as our relationship developed that I learnt.

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I think if I pretend I will eventually explode like a volcano. Like you said, she wont go away... she will never go away. I focus to much on how okay her fiance is, he's totally cool, which made me question whether I'm being unreasonable. How is he so okay with it???!!! Also how does he [her fiance] not see the emotional attachment? He's got 40 years on me, he has way more life experience than me.. which makes me think again maybe it's me being immature because I'm younger.

 

What a complication...

 

This has nothing to do with age or maturity. People are different. Look around this place. How many posts do you see by men forgiving their gf's for actual cheating, let alone emotional cheating. Some people don't care, some people are blind, some people have such low self esteem that they will take any crumb they can get. Don't look at these other people and what they do, figure out what's right for you personally and think for yourself. It's your life and only you get to live with the consequences of your decisions, no one else. Also, just because your bf is emotionally attached, doesn't mean she is. Does it ever occur to you that maybe they like him because they using him?

 

Your bf is a complete idiot running around getting drugs for her. He won't just lose his job, it will wreck his life permanently. Do you have any idea how many employers will reject job applicants out there for any kind of criminal issue and drugs especially? Heck, he may even end up in jail. His ex and her fiance are not dumb about this either. They are letting him bear the risk of getting caught while they sit home pretty and safe. I mean they have a schmuck running risky errands for them, what's not to like?

 

Anyway, don't look at other people, decide what's right for you and how you want to live your life. Only thing I can say is that you are not crazy or immature, I think you are right on point, but your emotions are getting in the way of your reason.

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I absolutely do not condone his drug runs. But they are all so very careful with how it's done. He gets it from a friend near where he lives and drops it down to her on visits. What bothers me, is that as you quite rightly said, he will never get a job again and may end up with jail time, which means time away from me. He's willing to risk all that for her drug runs. But I let him live his life how he wants, because that's what he asks from me and I him. I obviously have concerns but I can see when I start expressing them it's going to create an argument. It will ruin her drug time and ruin his relationship with me. I wish I could be bolder and let go but it's so not easy. Pushing this all aside we have an excellent relationship especially where she is not concerned. If she was none existent we'd be absolutely amazing together.

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The thing is: he told you up front that he could never be in a relationship with someone that can't accept this "friendship". And you chose to try to accept it. Granted, you didn't know how close they were so you didn't know what you were getting into.

 

But now you are expecting him to change. He is not going to change.

 

So you now have a choice: stay in your relationship and accept the circumstances or decide it is a deal breaker and leave.

 

For me: this would be a deal breaker.

 

Essentially he is having an emotional relationship with her, which leaves little room for the two of you to build up your own emotional intimacy and deep friendship. So essentially you end up being merely his sex buddy.

 

You also mentioned that he broke up with his ex because he didn't want to commit after so many years together.

 

By holding on emotionally to his ex, he is keeping you at a distance so you will not become close.

 

You are not a douche. And if he can find someone to accept his circumstances then that is great. It just doesn't seem to be you. Let go and look for someone more emotionally available.

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Sorry - sometimes I change details a little because I get paranoid someone might recognize this situation and link me to it.

yeah --- that three year age age made all the difference.

 

I think you have made this a bigger issue. You can meet her ---you don't have to send her Xmas cards.

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I will say, the drug runs for me would be a deal breaker.

 

Regardless of who they were for.

 

I can deal with exes. I can deal with friendly exes. But someone who is willing to put their reputation, record, and everything else in jeopardy for a friend - ex or otherwise, would be crossing my line.

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By sticking around you are indeed condoning.

 

If you can't express your concerns without it leading to a fight and if the only option is just shut up and put up, then by definition you are in a horrible relationship. You can say you have a perfect relationship when your biggest argument is over dirty socks on the floor or who will take out the garbage. What you have is pretty far from good. Granted, he has a young girl to push around who accepts anything he does unquestionably and sleeps with him so it is pretty perfect for him. What about you though? Is this really how you want to live?

 

I don't know what the laws are in your area about drugs but you may want to find out. In many places, just being in the same car/room/house with a person who has drugs on them will get you arrested and charged too and please don't kid yourself about how careful he is. Every person in jail thought they were super careful and would never ever get caught.

 

I honestly think that you need to start making better choices in life and not waste your youth on garbage like this. You are only 24 and have so much ahead of you, so many options and opportunities to do better and have a better life than this. It may not be easy to walk away, but usually it's worth the effort.

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Sorry- but it sounds like, as long as you're involved with him, she's gonna be in the picture too. Best 'try' and accept this?

What more can you do? Other than move on...

 

Yes, they had a past together and she DOES have another man, now. No one can 'make' you accept what's going on, but like i said, you can't really change this.

YOU have choices.. work on accepting, or dont.

You could just give it more time. Work on accepting the fact she'd like to some day meet you. Since I figure, fact is, is she's not going far...

 

By sounds of it, you're going to end up putting yourself in knots. So, can you handle this, within this relationship.. or not?

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She is part of the package. Just like in many relationships are in-laws, children, hobbies, health issues, debt, etc. And, in this case, running drugs. You can look the other way, or imagine you are separate from the parts of his life you don't like, but this is who you are investing your life with. Is it what you want? Are you sure you are compatible?

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Yeah, my ex bf (who had the ex-wife/turned 'sister' lol) had a husband who was so mellow, he let everything slide. Even when we were going to a grandchilds baptism, my ex bf and 'her' walked up the church together with me and 'him' tagging behind. We once went to a fair together, and ex-wife walked with my bf and ate off his 'cheese stick' and i lagged behind FUMING!

 

We had many arguments over this. Many. His kids and his ex were basically the ruination of our relationship. He always stuck up for her.....not me. And he NEVER did drug runs for her! lol

 

In my opinion, you have it FAR worse than i did. I would leave. He is never going to put your feelings ahead of his 'ex'. Never, ever.

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