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I`m in terrible pain and I desperatly need help/advice


silly0909

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I`m in a long distanced relationship with a boy 4 years younger then me (he is 18, I`m 22). Please don`t judge and say bad things because of age, I really do love him but I have encountered massive problems.

 

We have been together for 1,5 year, he was mature for his age when I started dating him. He was lovely, caring and a bit obsessive with me before, but that has changed drastically after he got help for it. The change in my opinion is not for the better and has left me in an obsessive state of mind, which truly kills me.

It has been going on for 5 months, where he acts very cold towards me, rarely replies to anything and it has led to constant arguments between us and resulted in an obsessive mindset from me (I call, text and all of that way too much then what is healthy for me to do). This weekend he traveled up to see someone in his family, because I have been kind of "broken" lately I have trust issues and were not particularly happy with this trip.

It didn`t get any better when he tried hiding the fact that they were going to attend this massive party, and I literary had to "force" the details out of him, which led me into a frustrated and upset state of mind.

After he had gone I thought I should give it the benefit of the doubt and trust him, and see how that goes. He KNOWS that I have some issues, and I have told him about it, it`s a result of previous relationships unfortunately where I have been cheated on multiple times.

Anyway, I avoid contacting him the first day he is there, to avoid ruining the trip for him and keep my distance and I did fine, I didn`t say a word. The next day after this so called party, I wake up to pictures on facebook of him and another girl, hugging each other, him holding her up in the air etc etc... so naturally with the state of mind I`m in, I get extreamly upset and sort of desperate.

I tried calling, texting at least to get a reasurrence or "you dont have to worry" statement from him, but I get nothing. Instead he has been ignoring me for the past 3 days, I got a message from a family member saying "he is avoiding you on purpose to avoid arguments".

 

So here I`m on my 3rd day of crying my eyes out, not eating, not having a good time and literary just waiting for a phone call or a text. It`s obsessive from my side, it`s become very very bad and I`m scared for myself and my own well being. I couldn't help myself from sending something today either, but I`m still completely ignored. Even when I promise not to argue and are sending nice messages, I get absolutely nothing.

 

I`m lost, I feel bossed around, I feel I`m being controlled and treated badly. I also feel obsessed with this relationship to a point where it is unhealthy beyond believe. I need help? advice?

 

I can`t live my life like this anymore, but I love him with all my heart...

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It looks like to me that he's not really interested in having the kind of relationship you want to have. His behavior is certainly telling you this. No amount of obsessivness let off its leash is going to make him become the kind of guy you need.

 

From what you've written, he's been distancing himself from you for quite a while and it could just be a function of him growing up. He's not the same 16 1/2 yr old you first took up with. He's overcome his health issues and wants to be free to do what he wants to do. At the same time, he probably doesn't want to give up easy access to sex that you provide, hence him stringing you along like he does. You have a choice to not participate in that.

 

It sounds to me that this relationship is over except for the breaking up. If he doesn't care that he's putting pictures of himself with another girl on his facebook page knowing that they will trigger overwrought emotional episodes with you, then he's really past the stage of caring about you and your feelings.

 

Having said that, your issues with past relationships are for you to bear and deal with, not him. YOU are the one who has to resolve your issues about being cheated on, not him. YOU are the one who has to look out for your best interests when it comes to who you choose to enter into relationships with, not him. You would be best served to just put this down and go work on yourself and leave him be. His behavior is telling you that your relationship has run its course and he's on to other things. It's up to you if you're going to plop down, tantrum and wallow because you can't have your way. Time to pull up your big girl pants and get on with healing from this and moving on.

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I agree the hot and cold behavior is your first and best clue that while he is no longer interested in a relationship with you, he does not want to give up the sex.

 

You may love him but he does not love you. Instead he ignores you and treats you badly. It takes two for a relationship to work.

 

Finally you need you need tools to help you cope with and reduce your relationship worrying and insecurity. Current boyfriends are not responsible for what past ones did. Nor should you tell them past issues expecting them to treat you with kid gloves. If anything that will run men off. Fix yourself and then search for love.

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I do agree, but at the same time he shows quite a lot of feelings from time to time. Well he finally contacted me on his own accord, and started talking about how much he cares and how much he wants us to be ok. I`m just indeed very confused and frustrated, when I read your post here I realise that you might be right but at the same time he shows a different side like today, which makes me very insecure. He though believes that pictures like the should not have an affect on anyone or me, because they are just good friends etc etc, but I dont know

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That was insightful, and more or less true.. The problem is that he does not think he is doing anything wrong, he does not realize that he has changed. When I have deep conversations with him, I talk about these things in a normal, calm fashion.. But his response is always: " I`m not being cold, I`m not being mean or cruel or trying to get away from this relationship, I love you ", but nonetheless he keeps being "away" from me. I don`t know if he needs space or what it is but I find myself in a really difficult position as I`m kind of alone without him. As I have traveled so much and given my full attention to him over a long time, I have lost most of my social connections here in my own country.

I feel like no one around me believe in this relationship except me, everyone comes with statements like: "he is too young, he is immature, he does not know what he wants". When I talked to him earlier, he wanted me to be more casual about things and not so "intense", then he promises to call etc etc, but as always I hear nothing and I`m back on the old track... It`s so incredibly difficult to have it like this, I feel hopeless and just alone..

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MANY times, I work as a flight attendant, its only 1 hour 50 min away by plain.. I work 5 days on (where I can`t see him), and 4 days off( where I almost travel down every free period to see him). He has been here a few times but he can`t do it as much as I can because I get extremely cheap tickets. But I`m kind of sacrificing my life in my own country a bit to see him as often as I do. So when he goes out or does whatever and I`m home at my free period, things tends to be shaky as he has a big family and friends around him while I don`t have the same. To say a bit about myself, I love to travel and I love other countries.. as in particularly England and the U.S, something just awakens my interest in those countries... I love the language and the culture, hence why I probably fall for foreign English speaking boys as well..

 

I find my own country rather boring and tasteless, I have a hard time letting go as I feel like I have met someone I truly want to be with, and the opportunity to be away from my own country with loads of bad memories in it, just makes me happy, or the thought of it..

 

I`m also by a crossroad.. I end my apprenticeship at my work this summer and I need to make a decision of what to do.. Moving to my boyfriends locations has been something we have talked about, but as it seems now I can`t afford to do that, I`m too scared to make such a big step towards a person that does not show enough yet... He believes it`s just me, and that I`m being too paranoid and have no trust in him for no reason but I really don`t know who`s right or wrong anymore..

 

I also want to study in either UK or US, but as I have said I`m so unsure and frighten..

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He just isn't that into being "in a relationship". He wants something more casual. It isn't necessarily an age thing --- but an incompatiblility. And yes, when he was younger and more insecure --- he was needy. He is now growing and maturing --- and sadly, you are digressing into a needy mess.

 

You are sacrificing your country...which you find boring and tasteless.

 

It sounds like you are trying to build something with him === and he doesn't want to...simple and hurtful as it sounds.

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