FWB, FB and non commital relatioships

[johndoe13]

I have been with my girlfriend for 1+ year. She had one serious relationships of 5 years...then for 7 years she had 2 boyfriends whom she dated for a couple of months (she dumpted one and the other guy was too anxious with her and left her) the rest either ended quiclky or were kept non-commital. So she would see people in the past but they were not boyfriends; she said that when she needed human warmth she would set something up.... She told me that she saw two guys in parallell for a few months...they never talked exclusivity and were not serious. She ended up getting caught and swore to never date 2 at the same time...

I think she dated two men at a time twice. She also had 1 (she says) or 2 one night stands.

 

I trust her a lot more now (less anxious) but still find it hard to trust her 100% mainly because of the above.

2) She tells me that she has had intercourse with less than 15 men, but I have proof it is over 15...

 

Basically she has not done anything not to trust her, she is in love with me but I think she has habits from her single years.

- Flirty looks and seems to have a wondering eye...she has toned it down a LOT since i called her on it several times...I threatened to leave last time.

- Sometimes she talks like if she were single.

 

mY QUESTIONS ARE:

What were your experiences if you had a relationship with a woman who did this?

If you are like her, what was you relationship with the fck buddies?

Why did you continue to see them? Why did you not commit to them?

Is this behaviour correlated with being unfaithfull?

How did you get over this info?

I told her the past does not matter and not to give me more details...but at the same time I am curious of what this buddies really were to her. Is it worth asking her to let me know the details so I know the whole truth?

[metrogirl]

I had a F buddy years ago, also while casually dating others. The F buddy thing worked for me because I wanted a sexual partner without a commitment yet the men that I was casually dating, I didn't want to have sex with.

 

My 'buddy' was just that, no commitments and no feelings. We got along great, we both had busy lives with friends and work but in the end we liked having sex with each other. Sometimes we could a few months without sex and pick up where we left off. He ended up landing himself a girlfriend and that was the end of our sexual relationship. No hard feelings.

 

Would I have an F buddy now? No, because I am with the man that I want to be with. I spent the early part of my relationship with my current boyfriend trying to prove to him that I was nothing like who I was in my younger years. He drove me crazy just like you are probably driving your girlfriend crazy. So here is my advice to you, if you love her and she hasn't given you any reason to distrust her then stop it. Just stop the craziness now before you lose her.

[Edmund Exley]

Who goes looking for proof of how many people a person has been with?

 

If her sexual past is uncomfortable for you, then you shouldn't be with her. Simple.

[johndoe13]

I had a F buddy years ago, also while casually dating others. The F buddy thing worked for me because I wanted a sexual partner without a commitment yet the men that I was casually dating, I didn't want to have sex with.

 

.

 

Question...Do you feel more sexually compatible with you fbuddy than with your real boyfriend? Bottom line was sex better (standalone) with the fbuddy. And if you answer different; what exactly does different mean?

[metrogirl]

Sex is not the same with every partner. I liked him because he was crazy and fit my crazy desires. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend when we are able to have it although it's not very often due to his failing health. I don't desire one kind over another.

 

I've followed your threads Johndoe, why do you do this to yourself?

[Edmund Exley]

I think men put way to much thought in to who is good in bed.

 

Learn to pleasure a woman, the rest will take care of itself.

[johndoe13]

Sex is not the same with every partner. I liked him because he was crazy and fit my crazy desires. I enjoy sex with my boyfriend when we are able to have it although it's not very often due to his failing health. I don't desire one kind over another.

 

I've followed your threads Johndoe, why do you do this to yourself?

 

I guess that I was burnt once by ex of 10+ year by someone that I trusted a lot...she was the opposite of my girlfriend; she wore her heart and thoughts on her sleeve so I knew I knew everythings all the time (I was never this crazy), she was not very sexual or not very liberated with sexuality and was way more conservative when it came to sex (although that was a problem). To this day she says she never cheated...but I'm sure there was an emotional affair.

 

 

 

This may be part of the problem. Also I believe I heard and saw things I should not have seen.

[johndoe13]

I think men put way to much thought in to who is good in bed.

 

Learn to pleasure a woman, the rest will take care of itself.

 

I think the physical aspect of the relationship is extremely important. I think the quality of sex is almost as important as the other things in a relationship. Yet, I am not sure why many women don't chose based on how good the sex is...so they are left with old cravings. Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

[metrogirl]

I think the physical aspect of the relationship is extremely important. I think the quality of sex is almost as important as the other things in a relationship. Yet, I am not sure why many women don't chose based on how good the sex is...so they are left with old cravings. Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

 

Well then if I were to follow your theory, I should have cheated on my boyfriend long ago because he's very reserved in the bedroom.

[Edmund Exley]

I think the physical aspect of the relationship is extremely important. I think the quality of sex is almost as important as the other things in a relationship. Yet, I am not sure why many women don't chose based on how good the sex is...so they are left with old cravings. Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

 

You obviously don't know much about women.

[johndoe13]

You obviously don't know much about women.

 

What is wrong with what I said. Many many times that is the problem. They don't feel satisfied with their husbands so they look elsewhere? I don't only mean physically but also psychologically which is at least 50% of the way...but it is still part of sex. So if your boyfriend does not turn you on more than anybody else you know including a FWB OR FBUDDY; you are settling for second best in my opinion.

[metrogirl]

What is wrong with what I said. Many many times that is the problem. They don't feel satisfied with their husbands so they look elsewhere? I don't only mean physically but also psychologically which is at least 50% of the way...but it is still part of sex. So if your boyfriend does not turn you on more than anybody else you know including a FWB OR FBUDDY; you are settling for second best in my opinion.

 

 

There is always going to be someone better out there, someone prettier or hunkier or richer or but that doesn't mean we can't be content with what we have already.

[Blue Spiral]

I think the physical aspect of the relationship is extremely important. I think the quality of sex is almost as important as the other things in a relationship. Yet, I am not sure why many women don't chose based on how good the sex is...so they are left with old cravings. Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

 

I agree with you 100%.

[SydneyGirl]

I don't agree with this. In my experience I have never been encouraged to choose a boyfriend based on the quality of sex! Yes it's important and if it's really bad it might make me less interested, but if the guy doesn't check all the boyfriend boxes then he could be the best sex I've ever had and I would still rather be with someone else.

 

I also cheated on a partner many years ago and it wasn't even about sex! The guy I cheated on was great in bed, but he wasn't making me feel appreciated and someone else was. Infact the sex with the guy I cheated with wasn't that great, but overall he made me happier then my boyfriend did at the time.

 

I've had FWB relationships many years ago and had incredible sex. With my last boyfriend he wasn't very experienced OR as enthusiastic, and the first few times weren't great but because we loved and trusted eachother we could talk about what we liked and didn't like and over time we became much more in tune with eachother and things improved a lot... plus when we made love it satisfied more then just sexual needs. You don't get the same feeling of love and intimacy with FWB.

 

Is that really bothering you? That she might have maybe at one time had better sex then she has with you?

[SydneyGirl]

And I am not left with "old cravings" at all! That's just weird.

[ParisPaulette]

Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

 

No, sex is not what makes a boyfriend vs a best friend. And frankly they should be your best friend as well as your lover anyways. The fact is sex is only one component of a relationship. I've had a few relationships and a few FWB although I really kind of dislike that term--let's call them lovers instead, okay? It sounds more in keeping my European nickname anyways. I valued each man for who he was and they can't really compare, because each of them was who he was and brought out different parts of my personality and sexuality. And the two men I was the wildest and most passionate with were NOT relationship material. Heck I didn't even like them very much on a personal level, but that may have been a strong component of the whole thing. I knew I was not going to be in a relationship, all there was to it was the sex, and at the end of the day I wouldn't have to do anything but go home or send them home once we were done. That was when I was alot younger too and I'd had it with being a "good girl." I found it all rather exciting and empowering and then I was over it and done and back to wanting a real relationship with someone who I could talk to out of the bedroom too.

 

Now the thought of all the energy and work I used to have to put into those two lovers just makes me feel...tired. Seriously it's not what I want or need. I have a serious relationship with a man who is wonderful and he's my love and my best friend. True we don't swing from chaneliers or make out in the back of a taxi, but we don't need to. We have each other and even when I'm sick in bed with the flu and he's just bringing me soup and cuddle I will still choose him over every other man that I knew and/or slept with before him. We're equals and it's all good, so if "Brad" or "Ted" as I'll refer to the two past lovers showed up on my doorstep tomorrw they'd just get a closed door in their faces.

 

Don't compare yourself against who your girlfriend was with at one time, because it's all water under the bridge anyways. No one can change the past. It's you chooses to be with now, so just enjoy it. I'm sure she's not keeping score with you were with or liked or thoughts or anything else you had about other girls at one time either.

[Ms Darcy]

Who goes looking for proof of how many people a person has been with?

 

If her sexual past is uncomfortable for you, then you shouldn't be with her. Simple.

 

I agree.

 

I think the physical aspect of the relationship is extremely important. I think the quality of sex is almost as important as the other things in a relationship. Yet, I am not sure why many women don't chose based on how good the sex is...so they are left with old cravings. Sex is what makes us a boyfriend versus a best friend. Am I crazy?

 

Are you crazy? Yes.

 

You obviously don't know much about women.

 

I agree as well.

 

What is wrong with what I said. Many many times that is the problem. They don't feel satisfied with their husbands so they look elsewhere? I don't only mean physically but also psychologically which is at least 50% of the way...but it is still part of sex. So if your boyfriend does not turn you on more than anybody else you know including a FWB OR FBUDDY; you are settling for second best in my opinion.

 

More often than not, straying is about not feeling emotionally connected and appreciated by your partner and not about the sex itself. Note how some women can't have sex after a fight or when they are stressed with taking care of the children? There is an emotional component that you are not getting.

 

No, sex is not what makes a boyfriend vs a best friend.

Now the thought of all the energy and work I used to have to put into those two lovers just makes me feel...tired. Seriously it's not what I want or need. I have a serious relationship with a man who is wonderful and he's my love and my best friend. True we don't swing from chaneliers or make out in the back of a taxi, but we don't need to. We have each other and even when I'm sick in bed with the flu and he's just bringing me soup and cuddle I will still choose him over every other man that I knew and/or slept with before him. We're equals and it's all good, so if "Brad" or "Ted" as I'll refer to the two past lovers showed up on my doorstep tomorrw they'd just get a closed door in their faces.

 

Don't compare yourself against who your girlfriend was with at one time, because it's all water under the bridge anyways. No one can change the past. It's you chooses to be with now, so just enjoy it. I'm sure she's not keeping score with you were with or liked or thoughts or anything else you had about other girls at one time either.

 

I think as you mature you will see this more. It's the difference between "young love" and a more mature approach to love (e.g. passionate versus companionate love.) Passionate love never lasts long.

[johndoe13]

I'm crazy maybe. If I take your ALL explanations taken into account this is what I understand.

 

Many women at a younger age 18-30) ( want passionate love and to just have fun sexually without commitment; to just have sex; with someone they are attracted to on a physical level and whose turn them on like crazy_usually confident & a little cocky men in shape. They also find out what penis size they prefer...Sometimes they could also be someone nasty they just want to get dirty with to get it out of their system; like some guy at the gym that is just a player.

 

Once women have enough of experiences and start wanting children and noticing many of the men that turn them on are not ready to settle; they drop down THE IMPORTANCE OF SEX a big notch and look for other traits the wild guys (hot guys, Douchebags or guys that are not interested in you but you like) don't have (stable, emotional, $ provider, nice, commited, friendly) . CALLED SETTLING.

 

Sex and passion fall into one of the categories as a checkbox and not a requirement (is he ok in bed versus does he make me horny so we could have sex the rest of our lives). HENCE SEX NOT AS FREQUENT. Because by closing your eyes and remembering you past lover you could come with your SAFE MAN. You see this in recently divorced women (the resort back to crazy sex_like if they were thirsty for so long & and what about the cougars!)

 

So at the end you are happy that you are in a safe place now and that you have someone that will love you despite getting older, but eventually you will stumble accross that amazing lover and melt RIGHT in front of THE SAFE MAN. AND IF THE AMAZING LOVER HINTS THAT HE IS READY TO SETTLE AND SEEMS INTERESTED IN YOU AGAIN...THIS IS WERE MANY WOMEN START QUESTIONING RELATIONSHIPS ALL OF A SUDDEN.

 

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT SAFE MAN; I'D RATHER BE ALONE.

 

Sorry but this is the way I'm reading into your responses. Let me know your comments!

[Blue Spiral]

More often than not, straying is about not feeling emotionally connected and appreciated by your partner and not about the sex itself. Note how some women can't have sex after a fight or when they are stressed with taking care of the children? There is an emotional component that you are not getting.

 

The only times I considered cheating was when I wasn't getting enough sex. And I've never heard a man say, "Yeah, she wasn't fulfilling me emotionally, so I had sex with another woman." I mean...that just sounds ridiculous, you know? I feel like I've stepped into some sort of bizarre opposite universe. Yes, there's an epidemic of men who are just too emotional and upset, so they turn down the women that want to have sex with them.

 

As we go through life, our friends and family will go through cheating-related situations--sometimes, we'll find out a lot about those situations, and sometimes we won't. In the ones that I know a lot about, where the man cheated, I'd say that sex was the cause 90% of the time.

[Blue Spiral]

I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT SAFE MAN; I'D RATHER BE ALONE.

 

Again, I agree with your post 100%. Very, very few women have viewed me in a sexual way, and I'm used to being friendzoned. Or, even worse, for the woman to "suddenly" be interested in a relationship with me once she's gotten the wildness out of her system, and deprioritized sex. The most demeaning, insulting thing I've ever experienced has been when women basically say, "Well, I'm getting older, I can't get the alpha males like I used to, and I'm not that interested in sex anymore, anyway--but I need a beta provider type to help me raise the kid I had with the guy that I rejected you for, back then."

 

John, I'm afraid that many ENA posters live in a world where men don't care about sex, boring "safe guys" have legions of women tripping over themselves to be with them, and women pursue the same type of man (the socially-acceptable kind!) throughout their lives. It sounds like a nice place, I'd like to visit...

[Reflective82]

The man that you describe as being "settled" for isn't settling- it's making a decision on a long term partner based on things other than lust, which doesn't last in the heady stages for life. Making a decision based on lust and sex is not going to be long term and maybe if more men realised this there wouldn't be so many affairs.

 

You have every right to want a partner who you have good sex with and passion for....but long term my experience is it doesn't last.

 

Also this may be just me but the more in love I feel with a guy in terms of long term, the more cuddy I get and the less lusty. Men who are arrogant almost turn me on more, but for short term only....as a man I think you should prefer to be long term material, if a relationship is what you want...

[Ms Darcy]

So at the end you are happy that you are in a safe place now and that you have someone that will love you despite getting older, but eventually you will stumble accross that amazing lover and melt RIGHT in front of THE SAFE MAN. AND IF THE AMAZING LOVER HINTS THAT HE IS READY TO SETTLE AND SEEMS INTERESTED IN YOU AGAIN...THIS IS WERE MANY WOMEN START QUESTIONING RELATIONSHIPS ALL OF A SUDDEN.

 

I think you have somewhat biased views on what women think and I wish you luck in trying to find a healthy relationship with this attitude. Not likely.

 

I would suggest trying to take the advice of actual women and men who are in long-term relationships instead of guys who specialize in fwb situations.

 

I see that you are not looking for advice so I'll bow out. Good luck!

[ParisPaulette]

I think you misunderstood me. The man I'm with right now is not a "safe man" and he is an amazing lover. There is plenty of passion there and that never goes away. It's exciting enough for my teenage sons to tell me pointedly that I need to not be acting like a giddy teenager when my SO comes over. Being with him is more satisfying in all aspects of my life plus I can actually talk to him and enjoy the conversation--a huge bonus if I'm going to share my life with him.

 

My point is that having wild crazy sex with men I wasn't going to get anything else from was actually when I was "settling". I was accepting only one small component of a relationship and eventually it just wasn't enough. And it still isn't and it never will be. It's why I turned down the cute car mechanic last week who made it a point to give me his personal cell phone number and hold my hand a moment too long before telling me he hoped I'd call him after 6:00 so we could discuss my car problems over a drink. The guy was physically my type, he was an ex-marine and I've always had a bit of a thing for military men, he was clearly interested. But I wasn't, so I smiled and told him I'd just come by and pick my car up in the morning. No biggie, no harm, no foul. Would the sex have been wild? Maybe, but I would have been settling for a burrito when I have filet mignon at home. I love the guy I'm with, I don't care if the car mechanic had a degree in the Kama Sutra hanging on his wall I wasn't going to "settle" for that.

 

Maybe maturity and experience have changed my views, but I really do think you need to realize that not every woman out there is a sex-crazed lunatic who will throw the good thing she has under the bus to get 20 minutes of aerobic exercise with some guy she may think of as attractive in the same way I'm sure you look at an actress in a bikini and think, "Wow!"

 

The fact is if someone loves you and wants to be with you, and the two of you are compatible in most areas of life and it's all good in and out of the bed, then why does what came before either of you knew each other matter? If you feel like your GF is just "settling" to be with you then you need to go talk to her about it. If you think the sex is boring then find ways to liven it up together--key word here being "together." Or work on your own self-esteem and figure out how to move past it, because if you'd rather have some girl who jumps you for a half hour then goes home and tells her girlfriends, "It's too bad he's such a jerk, he's only good for one thing you know?" then I think now you're the one who's settling.

[Blue Spiral]

I would suggest trying to take the advice of actual women and men who are in long-term relationships instead of guys who specialize in fwb situations.

 

That'd make for a great business plan. "Please, when you're about to buy our product, don't listen to people who have had bad experiences with it. Only listen to the people that still have a working model!" That's a guaranteed way to get the whole story, I'm sure...

[SydneyGirl]

Again disagree with everything you said... EVERYTHING! You really just don't get it! And Blue Spiral doesn't either.

 

Just because a woman might be in a casual relationship, doesn't mean that she is trying to get dirty/nasty sex or get wildness out of her system. That was never the case for me! Perhaps she has recently broken up with someone, is busy with work or has other things in life that prevent her from being in a relationship with someone!

 

I also don't agree about things being less frequent OR less passionate in a loving relationship... That hasn't been the case in ANY relationship I have ever had! When I had that casual relationship, he was someone I knew very well and I didn't actually see him all that often... maybe once every week or two! But when I was living with my last partner, we were having sex almost daily and although I mentioned it was slightly awkward at first, after a few months, our sex life was a lot more passionate and wild than it ever was or could have been with that other guy. And that will ALWAYS be the case in a loving relationship, because I would NEVER share (or want to act out) any my intimate fantasies with someone I didn't love and trust!

 

I don't know anyone who says that passion and sex are not a requirement in a good relationship? I think by someone saying a "checkbox" they mean a "requirement"? That's what I meant! And yes, physical/sexual attraction is one of them, but there are MANY others! Also, I have never once closed my eyes and thought of someone else during sex! Never! If I didn't genuinely WANT the guy and if he didn't turn me on, I wouldn't be with him!

 

And nobody said they would EVER leave a man they loved for a former fling! That's just dumb!