May I please consult? I'm confused...

[Truthhunter]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been visiting this site a lot to get advice, but I've never really posted my situation...

 

If I might get your opinion, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I'm really not sure what steps to take next.

 

We were college sweethearts who met through military training. We were both officers and fell in love with each other, but after being together for a year and a half and having a lot of good experiences, we graduated and landed into some pretty rough times. I couldn't get a job so she recommended I go into network marketing. During this time, I was stressed out and highly emotionally battered because of the lack of compensation together with the way my friends kept making fun of me and the rejection I got from people. She, on the other hand, was able to land a job and kept us going (paying for dates, treating me, etc.) When I left network marketing a year later I still couldn't find work and was even robbed inside my home. This was a highly emotional one year for me. When I did finally get a job, things still became shaky between me and her. I kept having mood swings and even blamed her for a lot of the things that happened to me. After yet another year of emotional turmoil, she decided she'd been pushed to her emotional limits so we took a one week cool off. After this, I promised her I would make things right and we decided to continue or relationship. At this point, however, she mentioned that she loved me but was no longer in love with me. I also promised her I would make her fall in love with me again. Our relationship continued for another 5 months after this cool off. I was no longer angry and treated her well, but I also wasn't treating her out much.

 

The week before we broke up, we spent the entire day together, ate out and I got together with my best buddy for a drink while she went to the club. I had to be rushed to the hospital during this time due to something I ate and I asked her to come with me (we could pass by the club and pick her up). She said she would follow, but by the time I got out she was still clubbing with her friends. I confronted her regarding this matter and she told me she didn't do anything wrong because she was drunk and if she took a cab it was dangerous (she did call the hospital to check up on me and all though).

 

We had a serious conversation after this. She mentioned again that she didn't seem to want me anymore and didn't feel special by the way I treated her, so I promised her I would make more of an effort to make her fall in love with me again. During this last week, I did everything she mentioned that might help (go back to the gym, become a better man, argue less etc.)

 

It was my birthday on the Saturday after that work week. I asked her if we could spend time together and she told me she was going to have to work late. I understood, but then she mentioned she was going to the club again that night. I got mad, but instead of blowing my head off, I asked her if we could meet after she went to the club and she replied NO because she was having a sleepover with her friends. At this point, I really got mad because she would not even grant me a simple request on my birthday. We met around lunchtime on my birthday, she treated me to dinner and even gave me an expensive gift. When I mentioned to her that I was upset about her granting my request, she broke up with me telling me she could no longer make an effort, didn't see me in her future, wanted to date other men and that I just wasn't the boyfriend she wanted anymore. I begged for 8 hours for her not to leave me, to no avail.

 

We met twice after the breakup. Once to get my stuff, during that time she was very sad that I was leaving. The last time to get my data drive that I left with her, at this time she mentioned I was now just a friend and we were not getting back together. I asked her if she still loved me and if she wanted me to charm her in the future and all she said was "I'm not going to answer that".

 

May I please get help as to what to do now? I'm really confused...

 

Many, many thanks.

[t1lersm0m1]

Go into no contact. Start working on herself. You told her a few times you would be better, and it sounds like you really weren't. She's probably tired of your false promises and the fact you haven't improved, and is finally giving up. Right now you can't convince her you'll change, because you've failed a few times to change. She feels unappreciated.

 

Leave her be. Focus on you. There's no guarantee she'll come back, so all you can do is become a better person that maybe someday she'll want to be with. Someone posted this article, and I like it. It basically says the same thing as no contact....take time alone, focus on your and improving.

 

link removed

[Truthhunter]

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I read that article also and it was very helpful.

 

You're right, I didn't follow through properly with my promises. The first time around, I though controlling my anger was key. The second time around, I did not have enough time.

 

The second time we met, she told me that she was a crutch to me because I started improving rapidly after the breakup (better looks, more confidence, etc.) Perhaps in time I will improve and attract her or another woman in my life.

 

I think this breakup was for the best. I really do just miss her and am just concerned with being replaced...

[Truthhunter]

Do you guys think I will be replaced immediately or will stay in the 'friend zone' forever?

[alli]

It seems like a case of "too little, too late". You had nearly 4 years of not treating her well. She was even helping you by suggesting a job and paying for things more often and you blamed her for your difficult times. Then you had 5 months of treating her "meh". Then 1 week of treating her well. Yeah, some of the things she did towards the end don't sound like things that a partner would do but I think she had checked out of the relationship by then.

 

I'm not sure why the negative dynamics in your relationship were allowed to continue for so many years. Did you know it was wrong how you were treating her? Did she express to you her discontent with the state of the relationship? You probably should have looked into getting a relationship counselor several years ago. What is a relationship if no one is happy in it?

 

It does sound like you had a difficult few years there after college and that is understandable that you wouldn't always be in a happy mood. I can't imagine getting robbed in my own house. At the same time, nearly everyone has many ups and downs over the years. People lose their jobs. People lose their homes. People lose their family members; sometimes even children. It is unfortunate but it is a part of life. Somewhere in the middle of that you have to remember to appreciate what you have, enjoy the times you can and express your appreciation for those you love. If you are too overwhelmed by the negative things that happen to you, again I think you should seek counseling in those times to help you manage.

 

I have no idea if your ex will start dating someone new or not. I think that every time she sees you or thinks of you, she will think of all the negative times because that is what she experienced with you the majority of the time you were together. There's really no way to override that unless you guys spent more time together (like, a couple years) in which the majority of your interactions were positive instead of negative. But you can't do that because she doesn't want to. Even if she did come back for a couple years, there is no reason to think that you will actually be able to treat her better because you really have done nothing to improve your state of mind when bad things happen. Right now you feel desperate and would agree to just about anything to get her back. But if you actually had her back, it is likely that you would fall into the same routine of treating her how you always have. Because you haven't addressed the core reason for why you are so negative. It sucks when a relationship ends but I think you will be better off working on yourself and finding ways to become a more positive person for yourself.

 

I think you should be less concerned with "getting replaced". You know that you didn't treat her well in the relationship. If she can't find happiness with you, don't you think she deserves a chance at a relationship where she can find happiness?

[AE9876]

Hey hope you are okay and hanging in there. Break ups are rough especially in the early days. It all seems so surreal and am sure your head is spinning. As it is the early days you should go easy on yourself. Don't get into 'stinkin thinking' and beat yourself up. Asking her outright if you should pursue her after she has broken up with you is as you know bit silly as I am sure you now realise. Right now she knows you are hurt and you would have her back immediately. You don't need to inform her or demonstrate this.

 

You know, she may very well start seeing someone (she may have someone in mind even). What can you do though? She broke up with you. Who she sees or who you see for that matter is no longer each other's business. I will say though that if she does see someone it is most likely to be a rebound relationship. Strange things do happen but it's unlikely that the next person she meets is going to be the love of her life. Most likely a rebound relationship would benefit you rather than go against you (depending on your reaction - which should be no reaction whatsoever). It is not easy starting out with someone new after a long term relationship and it is natural to hark back to the prior relationship which sometimes can lead to a reconciliation. It happens and often it doesn't happen either.

 

The best thing you can do is forget about that. It is the least of your concerns. You need to focus all your energy on working on yourself and your healing. There is no guarantee that your ex will come back whatever you do but the odds are against you if you don't accept the break up and back right off from this situation. If you want to attract your ex back the least attractive methods would be to continually beg and plead, pine, let yourself go, ensure she knows you will be there waiting in the background whatever happens, compete with or otherwise disrespect any new choices she makes, cause a scene or make trouble should you find out about any new people in her life.

 

You really need to focus on yourself and do the opposite of all of the above. You may turn your ex's head or you may not but you will certainly be in a much better place either way and a whole lot sooner than if you don't.

 

I'm rooting for you.

[SooSad33]

Sorry to hear of your loss and around here, we DO understand how you feel. It is not en easy road and will be very tricky and emotional for a while.

Reality will step in and you then have to work on 'accepting' your loss (much the same as a real loss- death). You will experience heartbreak,sadness, denial,anger, etc. Over and over.

 

Sometimes ppl suffer anxiety in which case need to see their dr for med's to manage it.

Yes- best thing is to have little to NO contact anymore and best to have as little as possible reminders of her, so you can work on YOUR healing now.

 

Doing all you did' for her' re: improving yourself, you didn't get much time to do so and you can't do much of it at all in such a short time.

You time apart needs to be months, before you can prove yourself at all, the actual changes. Yes, it is possible to change but it's also very much possible to fall back into those ways.

What you need to do now is focus on yourself. Work on getting yourself 'healed and happy again', accepting this loss and in time you will be able to accept who you are... your loss and be able to move on again.

Not for a while though.

 

As for 'friending' her? No. You can NOT be a friend with someone you still have these feelings for.

So, until you no longer have feelings for her- then you can consider friendship. Like in a year?

 

I am sorry to hear of your loss, Truth. I know you're hurting, many understand how it feels. Things will improve, but until then you will have many feelings and emotions to deal with.

You're not alone..

 

take care- stick with us

[t1lersm0m1]

I think that when we are dumped, we assume the other person is not hurting, and that they will move on right away. However, I've read posts from dumpers who said they suffered for months, and that years later there were still people they still thought about fondly from their past. If she was mentally checked out of the relationship before she ended it with you, then she may be doing well. If she wasn't, then she is probably suffering now. But the fact that you may both be suffering doesn't mean you should get back together. She is doing what is best for her.

 

You can't worry about what she's thinking, feeling, or who she's hanging out with and if she's moving on. You have to focus on YOU. Tell yourself that when you were with her, you did the best you could. But now that you know the mistakes you made, and that you lost her because of them, you can improve. I was amazing to my ex, but I still have a LOT of room for improvement. I look back at some of my behavior in our relationship and I'm disgusted by it. But I learned from it and will never do that again with another man.

 

And it's OK to feel down. You were together a long time. Don't try to fight those feelings. Let them come. But also work on healing and improving yourself. And don't get stuck on the idea that this is the only girl for you. There are plenty of amazing women out there. Just work on you so that when another one comes into your life, you don't make the same mistakes.