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Confusion to say the least.


unknownghost

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Hi,

 

I'm a new user here and I'm trying to make sense of a situation I am in, so please bear with me while I tell you story..

 

I met this woman on a dating website back in July. I was actually about to cancel my subscription when her picture caught my eye. I read her profile and whilst it could have been anyone's profile, I liked the way she wrote it so I messaged her and soon got a really nice reply, I decided not to beat around the bush and so asked her out and the following weekend after changing from the site to texting, we met and had a lovely afternoon together and pretty much spoke non stop. Turns out we have a lot in common, we're both a bit old school, like similar music, the same kind of old movies, she's quiet and slightly shy like I am sometimes. After we left she sent me a message saying she hoped I wasn't disappointed which I was not at all. We continued to text one and other pretty much every day and I soon got up the nerve to ask her out again. That day she cancelled on me due to work but rearranged for the next day which she also cancelled, work was quite busy that week, by the end of the week I got the impression she was quite down about some things so I called her and we had an amazing chat that got a lot more personal. Turns out we are similar in other ways too, she's been hurt a lot in the past, she comes from a broken home like myself too. What really saddened me though was that her ex had passed away suddenly. She went away the following week but she called me the minute she landed back in the country and we set up to meet the following weekend which she cancelled, this went for about a month but we were always in touch, I sensed that maybe there was something else going on but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, as we both said we felt a connection between us, I'm not just saying this, there is true connection there.

 

Anyway, we did meet again and a great evening together, which this time ended with a kiss, afterwards she text me some lovely messages about she was happy we'd met and it's so rare to meet someone you can connect with. That was the last time I saw her.. but as before we are always talking via text. A few weeks ago she lost her phone but emailed me straight away to get me to send her my number and she added me to her FB account and then when she got a new phone, she text me straight away to say that she'd missed me. We've spoken a few times on the phone in this time and it's always so deep and a joy to talk to one and other.

 

This takes us up to about now, I asked her to see a movie this coming weekend, but the other day I sent her some music and I got one of those messages you never quite like to hear.. it said she loved the music but she was sorry, that she didn't deserve me.. so I text her asking what she was sorry for, she replied everything. I replied and then she called me, she'd been talking to her friends who had asked if she liked me and she said yes so they said she just needed to be honest with me, I didn't quite get to the route of the issue with her, but she told me she'd bought a couple of tickets to a movie the following week and was hoping I would go with her to which I said of course, I asked if she'd still like to come to the movie with me this weekend and maybe get some dinner, she said she would love to have a 'proper' date with me. I say 'proper' because she is quite old school as I am, but neither of us have ever really done proper dates in the past, I guess we're not what you would call conventional people which is why I get and like her so much.

 

I text her the following day to say I'd picked up the tickets for Sunday but have not heard back from her. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of the 'don't deserve you' message, I understand that this can sometimes mean they don't like you and it's a good safe way out of a situation, in their eyes they think it's the best way to not cause any pain, but then if that was the case surely she wouldn't then call and tell me she likes me and had already got tickets for a movie. She says she's very shy and she's quite socially awkward and from some of the chats we have had, make me think there are self esteem issues going on as well. I have had those issues in the past myself, I actually put myself through therapy a few years ago and am much stronger and a better person than I used to be.

 

I know it's hard to give advice when you don't know someone, but maybe there is someone here who could offer some advice? I'm planning on not getting in contact till Sunday, unless she does of course. If she doesn't come on Sunday, that is going to suck, not because I'd hate her for it, I wouldn't, I'm just hoping this is something we can both work through and she does not let her demons get in the way.

 

I'd quite like to write to her and tell her how I feel but of course if she just doesn't like me in that way, then writing to her will probably not do any good but then maybe she'll know how I feel. I don't know, confused, much?!

 

J.

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It sounds like she is conflcted. I've BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Something from her past is not resolved, and she is jumping into dating too soon. When a woman is READY and INTERESTED, she doesn't continuously cancel dates!

 

So, I think she's INTERESTED, but just not READY. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not what you want to hear.

 

Give her some space. If you dont' hear back from her, take a friend to the movie. Maybe with time she will be ready, and then she'll let you know.

 

If you were to enter into a relationship at this point, you would probably only end up getting hurt. Hence the "I'm sorry" text.

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That's better than she's just not interested at all. Yeah that's kind of what I feel is going on as well. She's such a wonderful person to talk to and listen to but I can sense things in the things she talks about, I care about her, I think that's why there is a connection, if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be but I still care about her, I get her and she gets me. I will give her some space. Thank you for the reply.

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It really does sound like she is interested....but like I said, conflicted. If I was not interested I would not keep scheduling dates with a guy, and having conversations that last HOURS. She could either tell you she's not interested, or just disappear from your life. She hasn't done either of those things.

 

You're welcome.

 

I don't agree with asking her how she feels. Sometimes people are lying to THEMSELVES, so how can they be honest with you? I know this from personal experience. I fell in love with a man who is separated from his wife. The longer we were together the more clear it became he was not over her. He wasn't lying to me, he was lying to himself. I even asked on our first date "What if she wants to try again?" I made it clear that was a concern since they were ONLY SEPARATED. He made it clear he would NEVER go back.

 

He didn't go back, but he is SOOO not over her. I got hurt But deep down I know he wasn't acting maliciously. He was just in denial. We broke up for six weeks, then got back together, but he wasn't the same. He was guarded with me. I should have ended it in early May. Instead we mutually ended it in early June. We then got back together in mid-July, and he broke up with me early September.

 

He's a good guy. He didnt' set out to hurt me, but I got hurt. He won't talk to me now. I'm ok with it now, after some time has passed. But I was REALLY hurt.

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I think you giving her space is the best thing you can do. She really isn't ready yet and some people need time to really process their feelings and what they want. Try to not have her work on your time table. Just be patient with her. If she is as special as you say she is, then she's worth being patient with and seeing where things go. Don't wait around forever though. This process could take another month or 2 you never know, so throughout this, keep asking yourself what you want to. Are you willing to wait and see how this goes? How patient can you be with this process? Just things to think about.

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I'm sure she's VERY weary of 'getting on with life' after her loss. Probably why she'd say such thing like 'she doesnt deserve you'? She sounds a bit low..negative. I'm thinking you ARE doing her some good- hanging in there, so she can slowly creep out of her shell and get out there again- with you.

 

Offer to 'help her out', if she'd like because you understand how 'sensetive' she is.. shy, etc.

You seem really good with her 'issues', caring etc and patient.

 

I wouldnt give up on her. Give her time, I feel she does like you but because of her issues, she's trying but it's just taking her a bit. Thanks for YOUR understand and patience for her.

Good man.

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