Can't let go of the sex..

[sharky988]

I'm seriously not getting into a debate with a 24 year old guy about whether or not it's derogatory to call women "nymphos".

 

Live your life and enjoy!

[Dragunov-21]

Er, fair enough, but I wasn't looking to debate and wasn't even talking about that.

 

Just don't complain in future about guys being ignorant of women's issues if you can't be bothered engaging with someone who's trying to educate themselves.

[sharky988]

I think you're more interested in justifying your position than educating yourself.

[Dragunov-21]

Then you're mistaken.

 

This

 

I would still be interested to hear from you (or any other women) how much of the negative pressure with regard to sex comes from other women rather than men.

 

is all I was interested in (with you).

 

Thing is, with reasonable regularity, I find that asking a feminist (ie female who seems educated on the real disparities between men and women in society and has a problem with them) to clear up misconceptions I feel I may have requires kissing so much a** to avoid an adversarial response that I'm asking myself whether or not I care anymore.

 

I'm happy to educate and fight for a group of people that I'm not a part of, but if they consistently make it harder than it needs to be to understand their issues, I stop giving two sh**s. Pick your people an screen out the "intellectual debaters", sure, but if you're so closed off that you refuse to engage with someone who has an open mind and the will to listen to what you have to say then the whole thing's really just a circle-jerk.

[lavenderdove]

How do you get over it?

 

Well, there are tons of things in life that can be great fun at the time, BUT you learn self control and to balance your life. You really sound like you don't much like her, but were just addicted to the sex in the same way one is addicted to heroin or any other drug. Drugs can be fun for a while, but they have a horrible downside and in the end they destroy people. It sounds like your relationship was no good on lots of levels, so really it had a shelf life and it expired even if your sexual attraction to her didn't.

 

So imagine this: you were in the throes of a sexual addiction to this woman, and were already experiencing the drama/downside of her behavior, her cheating, the jealousy, the drama etc. Now imagine she gets pregnant on one of these escapades. And suddenly you've got an unstable woman who is now the mother of your child, soaking you for a lot of child support, neglecting the child while she chases lots of other men, who then takes up with an abusive man who beats her and your kid etc. So RIGHT NOW you are only seeing the positive side of your addiction (the 'fun' factor) but there is no way this turns out well if you barely liked her and she is unstable and unfaithful and with a taste for cheating and violent men.

 

So you have to look at it like kicking a drug, and going cold turkey. Google 'thought stopping' and start practicing it to wean yourself off thoughts of her. And don't allow yourself to picture her when fantasizing about sex or masturbating becuase that keeps her alive in your head. The more time and mental distance you put between you and her, the faster she will lose her hold over your thoughts. Because she is only alive as a fantasy in your mind at this point, and if you practice thought stopping to wean yourself off thoughts of her, you can get her out of your mind faster.

 

Don't catastrophize about the future either, that you'll never meet someone else who really turns you on sexually, because you have no clue who you will meet or when or how excited you'll be in future. That's like sitting around moping that you'll never have as much fun as you did at 21 when you were drunk all day and didn't have to work or that your life will be all downhill after 21. It does you no good to fantasize about things you don't have or can't have either. I'd love to live in a million $$$ house but that isn't ever happening, but i don't spend any time allowing myself to fantasize about being in one either. You need to get a grip on your fantasies, and the rest will take care of itself.

[lavenderdove]

>>how much of the negative pressure with regard to sex comes from other women rather than men.

 

Women can be surprising catty sometimes about looks or how people dress, but honestly, they don't spend nearly as much time talking about sex with each other as men think they do. They're more likely talking about how they like guy X or Y or how they feel fat and wish they could lost 10 lbs or how they like the way someone else's hair is done, but most don't go into deep detail about their sexuality or what they are doing in bed with someone (or several someone's). They talk about love and feelings WAY more than they talk about sex. They just don't 'bust balls' the way guys do when it comes to sex, and most of them are offended if guys say derogatory or crass things about them and are supportive of their female friends about that. They see sex more as intimacy between two people rather than as a sport, and because it is intimate, they usually don't go into great detail about their sex lives with person X or Y.

 

Very young girls may 'brag' or say something nasty about some girl they are jealous of on things like Twitter, but most girls as they leave their teen years and get older don't expose intimate details about their sex lives except with some very trusted friends or sisters.

[Melbournite]

Thanks for getting back on topic

 

I'll check out the thought-stopping info. It is like the fantasy has a hold on me still.

 

It's not that I didn't like her I didn't really have a chance to get to know her given the drama started within the first couple weeks meeting. After the trust was ruined early on we just fought a lot and she seemed to play games to fuel it. Without going into too much detail she really didn't treat me well so I always saw a shelf life there.

 

I have a tendency to second guess my decisions, sugarcoat the situation and make excuses for her crappy behaviour so it makes it hard to remember why I was annoyed.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Melbournite. I'm actually from outside Melbourne, and not meaning to try and fuel any argument, but I do think to some extent, the use of the word nympho can be interpreted differently due to cultural differences - a bit like how Australians can use the term "ole baaarstid" as a term of endearment. Maybe another Australian woman here will disagree with me, but I probably wouldn't regard the term as derogatory as say American women might.

 

Anyway, back to the original topic. I could be wrong, but this reminds me a little of what I have read about sexual addiction - though of course, not as dramatic. Some people subconsciously use sex, including masturbation as an escape, sometimes from stress or from some situation in their lives which they are not happy with. Does sound a bit too that there might be a type of codependent dynamic in there.

[Melbournite]

Yeah you could be right there, the sex addiction aspect has been something I've considered, as I said in a previous post if the sex side of things wasn't so good I'd probably find it easier to let go. Any tips in that area?

 

And what do you mean by codependent dynamic?

[Dragunov-21]

Cheers, that's what I was after.

[lavenderdove]

One more thought... men can get very addicted to sex with hookers because sex is the hooker's profession and something they do for 8 hours a day/night so they can get very efficient at pleasing men and doing wild things that men are less likely to get from a 'normal' girl because sex is their 'currency' that they use to keep men hooked on them and coming back for more. They also learn what really turns men on and get right to it to hurry them along so they can get to the next customer and make more money.

 

So sex may be this woman's currency and way of controlling men and keeping men hooked on her, even if she DOES treat them very crazily when out of bed. You describe behavior that seems very unstable in some ways, and many people who were abused as children can become quite kinky and promiscuous and over-sexualized as adults because of their abuse issues and how they've been abused in the past. So that crazy sex and drama you experienced and her choice of an abusive ex in the past may be a reflection of deeper issues than you know and she is just playing them out and repeating them as an adult.

 

So you have to ask yourself, was this REALLY someone who you could get along with for 30 years? Or someone who was deeply troubled and gave you a trip through porn land because she has serious issues and doesn't know how to live a stable and normal life and has learned that crazy sex is addictive and can keep you around and control you? Many women who are abused are made to do all kinds of degrading sexual acts by their abusers, and then they get very confused and form a trauma or 'betrayal bond' with their abusers where they start to confuse love and sex and abuse, but have learned that sex PLEASES their abusers and may control him and hence they get very good at it.

 

So you probably can't separate the crazy/unstable from the sex in terms of this particular girl. And frankly you can't live with crazy for 30 years. What frequently happens in cases like this is if she does have issues and likes the drama and high intensity of an abusive relationship, she will ALWAYS keep the drama high, and will use sex to control you but eventually what starts out as sex for fun, goes to sex as control, and eventually goes to sex as a weapon to punish you (i.e., cheating on you, withholding etc.) because she probably does have issues and angers and resentments towards men if she's been abused and not had therapy to address that rage and trauma and teach her how to live a normal life rather than chasing crazy sex as a repitition of the trauma and negative relationship patterns.

 

The one thing i do see as slightly 'abnormal' about you in your post (and not really abnormal but an attitude you need to fight) is where you say something to the effect that you can't stand the thought of her being with another guy sexually because he is getting something you value so much. That is really looking at her as a source of 'sex supply' and dehumanizing her like she's your favorite sex toy and you're mad he's using it instead of you, and you really need to examine those thoughts/feelings. You may have some sex addiction issues of your own if you're mainly casting her in the role of sex toy and not seeing her as a whole human being that you love and cherish on multiple levels rather than just for sex. That's like hating your drug dealer, but loving the drug. You'll put up with the crazy drug dealer and the ridiculous price you have to pay for the drug because you are addicted to the drug and must tolerate the drug dealer to get the drug. So even THINKING that about her in that way shows you that (a) she knows very well how to use sex as a tool to control men and (b) you are a bit out of control of your own fantasies and urges and will chase crazy sex even if all you really want is the sex and hence will use a disturbed woman to get it. So breaking up with her was a healthy impulse believe it or not, and staying with her while using her for sex was not.

 

Now what about the future? 'Normal' people can have some really excellent sex lives together if they have an attraction and love sex as a hobby but also really love each other and respect each other and don't use the other person as a sex object/supply but rather as a true partner where there is both love and sex. So you're missing a big part of the equation in this relationship with this troubled woman who seeks abusive lovers and crazy drama. You need to look for a woman who really enjoys sex and is willing to experiment (and believe me there are TONS of those women out there is you look for them), but you also need to learn to respect her as a whole person who isn't just your 'sex supply' or you'll end up in another bad relationship with a woman who might be a stripper or an ex-hooker or someone abused as a child who is acting out and using crazy sex and drama as a means to control her partner becuase she doesn't know any other way to relate to men based on her background.

[Silverbirch]

Yeah you could be right there, the sex addiction aspect has been something I've considered, as I said in a previous post if the sex side of things wasn't so good I'd probably find it easier to let go. Any tips in that area?

 

And what do you mean by codependent dynamic?

 

Well, I suppose it's worth looking at the various aspects of your life - work, friends, family, money, da de da - and looking at how you feel about the important things and whether you are satisfied with your life - especially if you feel powerless/very unhappy over aspects of your life.

 

Co-dependency is difficult for me to describe right now - it's very late and I just finished work. People who are co-dependent tend to find themselves with unhealthy behaviours, especially in relationships and often become involved with people who reject them or else they reject others. A lot of people who are co-dependent have been affected by family dynamics where alcohol, substances or mental health issues have played a part. Sorry I know that's not much of a description.

[Zopeegelela]

My friend - I left my wife, ruined the life that I knew and created, for a woman who sounds just like your girl. And yes, I started the affair for sex. I wanted more of it. I wanted the excitement, which I got, but I got a lot more than I ever bargained for. I lost everything, including my peace of mind. Sex gets old really fast. It is companionship, understanding, maturity, level headedness, compassion, belonging, etc. that make a life. These things make a family and these things are hard to get, but so so so easy to break. Get out while you can. Sex will come... and the quality of it is up to you, it is all in our minds. I wish you the best my friend. Let my story guide you.

[savignon]

Yeah you could be right there, the sex addiction aspect has been something I've considered, as I said in a previous post if the sex side of things wasn't so good I'd probably find it easier to let go. Any tips in that area?

 

And what do you mean by codependent dynamic?

 

I had a recent similar situation with lots of BS and drama end unnecessarily dramatic and hateful complete with blocking on social media, emails, etc. yuuuuck.

One thing I read about guys/gals that are sooooo good in bed is that they, in their own minds and as result of their own MO, are always putting on a big show and exciting performance because they know its going to end...they know every time could be the "last time"...they know they're gonna move on if you don't move on first. So if every time could be the "last time" it's fueled with passion, excitement, and the chemistry of two people going down on a sinking ship. That made so much sense to me that it made me feel better. Also, similar to your situation, it wasn't really a relationship anywuas, certainly not a healthy one, and miles and miles away from what I'm actually looking for. All of those things plus TIME has helped in the healing process.

Also, like another poster said, craaaazy awesome sex can only last so long by nature...so once that fades, what else is there to the relationship? Those are things to look for and nurture because those are the things that endure.

[Melbournite]

Thanks for the feedback particularly lavenderdove taking the time to write all that. I think it is a currency for her but she also enjoys it, I don't feel it was a chore for her. At the same time she knows the effect it had on me and it did become a weapon or at least could have done.

 

I think she only wanted me for sex to be honest, and I was the rebound from her abusive ex who couldn't fill those shoes and give her that fix. She would have preferred a casual open relationship buddy kind of situation with me. I've done that before and it's fine when it's honest and your both on the same page but I couldn't do it with her when I had feelings there.

 

I've got some things to investigate with myself so will do that. And of course time will help me get over her.

 

The kinky and promiscuous result of her upbringing and past relationships sounds like it could be what's happening here. The dirtier or more wrong something is the more of a turn on it is for her. Great fun but dangerous in the hands of instability. And very very addicting for a guy.

 

Too bad you can't have your cake and eat it to haha

[AE9876]

Just to chip in on the debate - given recent headline news about comments made to your own female Prime Minister, it's probably safe to assume that Australia still has some way to go in terms of it's culture with regards to sexism but I digress. I think Lavenderdove has it all on the money here. She is a very wise lady.

 

You know yourself that this is not a healthy relationship. This girls sounds quite damaged and probably needs to work through some issues but probably doesn't even realise it. Sex is very important but it is always better in the confines of a balanced, loving, mutually respectful relationship.

 

How funny I should receive the following message in my inbox today. I think it sets out quite well the sex/relationship 'payoff'. I thought it was really insightful and it suggests sending it onto a man and now I can (but I guess he is talking about healthy, regular women here):

 

 

Before your read this brief letter, I want you to know that this is really written for men to read and my hope is that you can help spark change for as many men as you know.

Dear Men,

 

If you're like most men, your sexual energy is often directed from one of two places.

 

 

You are either stimulated by your head or your little head.

 

 

If it's your head, you fantasize about being with a woman who turns you on and you get aroused. If it's your privates that get sparked, your lustful desires usually wants to take over to conquer and penetrate her.

 

 

Women aren't like men with an on/off switch. For a woman, desire is built over time, and trust is how you truly connect to a woman. For the right man, a woman possess an amazing capacity for infinite sexual desire.

 

When a man truly wants to 'know' a woman, not just penetrate her, he will have the key to opening a woman up to unbridled passion and uninhibited sexuality.

 

Believe it or not, you have an ability to turn a woman on at will and her delicious desires when you come from a place of confidence & trust because you already know what she wants.

 

Did you know that your meager attempts or insistent demands for your selfish needs is really no way for a woman to truly open up?

 

 

You might even think that giving her an orgasm is fair exchange for your sexual gratification. But if you do, you would be wrong.

 

When a man chooses to know a woman beyond the 'hit it and quit it' approach, he is opening himself up to a whole new world.

 

Every sexual desire you've ever had is waiting for the man who dives into her heart, not her pants.

 

What does it mean to know a woman?

 

It starts with trust and that trust is built by the man who isn't ruled by his penis.

 

 

Trust is gained with trustworthy acts.

 

 

Do your actions match your words?

 

 

Don't say you want to see her again and never call. Don't plan a date and bail for no real reason. Don't say you're ready for a committed relationship only to later tell her you're still hung up on your ex.

 

 

Trust is built by actions.

 

Seek to know her. Listen to her and learn about her. Women are dying to share their deepest feelings and for the man who listens (not trying to fix) and supports her without direction, she will feel known.

 

When you know a woman, she will feel safe because she trusts you and when you do that, she will be utterly consumed by you.

 

 

In fact, you might be the first man who has ever done this for her.

 

 

It will be like a spiritual steroid pumping her up with a connection like she's never experienced and she will feel fulfilled.

 

A woman can be opened into the depths of her soul and her desires will become infinite for the man who never stops seeking to know her.

 

If you want to learn more about a woman and what really ignites her soul, read the following: The Way Of The Superior Man

 

Wishing you an amazing journey into a woman's heart.

 

Jonathon

 

Hope that is helpful.

Best wishes