Can't let go of the sex..

[Melbournite]

Hi all,

 

So this is a bit of a moving on/sex question. I was seeing someone on and off for only 4 months, but it was a pretty intense 4 months. I found her very attractive and she's a bit of a nympho so I found myself addicted to the sex it was that good.

 

The downside was we were fairly incompatible. She pretty much used me as the rebound for her abusive ex, wanting me to treat her like crap since part of her must have enjoyed that about her ex. She was manipulative, jealous and generated drama between us. I got wrapped up in the drama and fuelled it myself to so between us both it wasn't a good situation. We couldn't go a few days without epic text arguments.

 

So I feel like she's not the best option for me given it turned to crap so quickly and we fought the whole time. She slept with someone else early on before we were official but after we'd agreed not to sleep around. That hurt a bit and I struggled to get over it until I did the same myself. It was a pretty messed up situation really.

 

It became apparent she only wanted me for sex when she slept with her ex and wanted to compromise me wanting to be exclusive by her being able to only sleep with me and him only. Needless to say I said that wasn't good enough and we continued on for a while, on and off, each not being able to trust each other until it was called off.

 

The problem for me is the sex stuff and it always has been. We cut it off a couple moths ago and haven't hooked up since or anything. It's what made me jealous she slept with someone else and made me fight with her about it. I couldn't handle someone getting to feel what I valued so much.

 

And now I can't seem to forget about it. It's the most intense lust fuelled relationship I've ever experienced. As I said she's a bit of a nympho and some of the things she used to be into would put pornstars to shame! (Sorry for the mental image..)

 

All this chemistry led to what I can only describe as an addiction. It was like a drug I've never felt before, and I've been with a respectable range of women sexually. I've heard of falling in lust before and maybe that's what it was.

 

So now I feel a bit stuck, like wanting the cigarette you know is bad for you. I even sugarcoated how I seen her and questioned whether the problems were all on my side and if I could have done things differently.

 

When I think of her now I only think of the sex though. I don't really miss her as a person, I can hardly say I knew her as a person after such short a period together on and off. But even so she didn't treat me well and I probably deserve better.

 

So I'm wondering if there's other guys (or girls) that can relate to this? I'm concerned I may never feel something that intense sexually again. I'd love to fall in love with someone and get into a relationship but what if the sex is mediocre and I long for my past experience?

 

And how do I move on now and get over this person and the addiction? How do I stop fantasizing about her and what I'm missing out on now?

[Melbournite]

Oh and to add some context, my previous relationship was 10 years, high school sweethearts. I ended that as I wasn't sure what I wanted but knew I wanted to live a little. That was a couple years ago, this new thing was the first time I've had a crush and started seeing someone since becoming single.

 

So I'm no stranger to the relationship experience, this was just an intense months where I got into someone that wasn't great for me unfortunately.

 

Can pick em..

[lerenard]

If you enjoy abusive nymphos that are using you for sex and that is all you want - go for it, what else can I say.

Lovemaking is a caring close relationship is so much better then that. If you concentrate on sex (which I can understand, it is important) it will always disappoint you and feel mediocre.

Getting to know someone in a very intimate, exploring way is what is the best, not just fu*king your brains out with someone who likes pain. It can be nice... but its not love.

[NorthDallas40]

Maybe this will help you move on:

 

There are other sex-crazy girls out there who are total pornstars in bed. Yet some of them are also good people with good morals, who will be faithful, and who will treat you with respect. Ones that you can genuinely love and know that they love you in return.

 

I know, because I've dated several women just like that.

 

Lose this chick and wait to find one who's like I just described. It may not be as difficult as you think!

 

Good luck, brother - there's one waiting for you.

 

But you won't find her until you get this girl out of your life.

[Dragunov-21]

G'day

 

I think you may find it fades over time. She might have raised your expectations but I doubt she's ruined all other girls for you. Do you typically fall hard for girls? Emotional attachment can make a lot of things seem less important.

 

If nothing else, try not to stress over something you can't consciously change.

[Melbournite]

I've been with my fair share of girls who are great in bed, I think the issue here was I was really attracted to her as well. Took it to a whole new level. As I mentioned it was my first actual crush since my ex 12 years ago. Maybe I do fall hard easily once I feel that crush and it was heading that way? Dunno, I feel like if she wasn't how she was in the sack I wouldn't be dwelling on things much now.

 

It's tough to describe, an intense addiction are the only words that come close. I feel like I'm going through withdrawals now haha

[Dragunov-21]

I think I know what you mean. If it was the chemistry that really sold it, not the f-tricks, then I think you're pretty safe. You'll find other (more stable) girls who can make you feel that passionate.

[Melbournite]

How do you mean mate?

[Dragunov-21]

Sorry, think I might've misread you; I thought you meant that it wasn't so much what she could/would do in bed but rather that, coupled with the chemistry/spark/passion/whatever-you-wanna-call-it that made it so special.

 

If that's the case then yeah, you'll get hung up on her for a bit but I wouldn't be worrying that you're never gonna find something like it again, you know?

[Melbournite]

Ah yeah I know what you mean. Yeah you read it right, it was the crush accompanied with the good sex that was like perfect storm, it intensified it all.

 

Ideally I'd love to have the chemistry, attraction and connection all in one with someone who does treat me well.

 

She ticked the sex and attraction boxes but the rest was a mess. It was hard not to get hooked though, and tough to get off the hook know.

 

Maybe it was due to her being the first chick I had feelings for since my ex..

[lavenderdove]

OK, people love, love, love heroin and alcohol but that can kill them too. This is about being an adult and recognizing that a roller coaster is exciting but you can't ride a roller coaster 24x7 and live a happy, normal balanced life.

 

So it's about understanding that being an adult involves making good and rational choices based on the totality of the situation and not just something that is exciting but unsustainable 24x7. You already KNOW that the two of you don't get along without all the drama, and there is no way you can live a normal, stable life with someone who is unstable emotionally.

 

One thing you could try is to be very honest with her and tell her all the drama is exhausting, and would she consider going to counseling to learn how to live a stable life rather than a crazy one. People who have been involved in abusive relationships do need some therapy afterwards to learn how to live a normal life rather than the craziness of an abusive relationship. Abusive relatonships really skew what love means, and people who do leave these relationships usually need therapy to get them back on track again.

 

But you honestly sound like you don't even like her and are just using her for the sex. And if you don't even like her than eventually the sexual thrill will wear off and you'll leave regardless.

 

One final word... please don't call women nympho's. Really, that is an old fashioned/derogatory word. Some women LOVE sex and sexual variety and experimentation, and that doesn't mean they are 'bad' girls or there is something wrong with them. And if she's a nympho, you are a nympho too because you're sharing that sex with her, so that is a wretched word/concept when applied to women that labels them as bad/wrong when they are doing nothing more than their male partners are doing, but the men are regarded as 'studs' and the women given derogatory names. Your problem may be that you have a good girl/bad girl problem where you want a 'dirty' girl in bed and a 'pure' girl out of bed so you'll never be satisfied. You'll never be happy if you split the way you look at women and look at them in a sexist way where you want a submissive Madonna as your 'good' girl out of bed to raise your children and then want a wild girl in bed. If that is the case, then you may be the one who needs therapy.

[Dragunov-21]

Maybe there are cultural differences at play here but AFAIK "nympho" just means that a girl really really likes/is proactive about/like a lot of sex. If that's a bad thing it's in the interpretation of the listener, not the word. The way you're comparing it with "stud" makes me think you're confusing it with "s|ut".

 

Nympho ain't a dirty word around here...

[Kendahke]

Maybe there are cultural differences at play here but AFAIK "nympho" just means that a girl really really likes/is proactive about/like a lot of sex. If that's a bad thing it's in the interpretation of the listener, not the word. The way you're comparing it with "stud" makes me think you're confusing it with "s|ut".

 

Nympho ain't a dirty word around here...

 

The woman in question may legitmately be suffering from nymphomania.

 

To wit nymphomania [/b](ˌnɪmfəˈmeɪnɪə

 

— n

a neurotic condition in women in which the symptoms are a compulsion to have sexual intercourse with as many men as possible and an inability to have lasting relationships with them

 

 

and just so you know:

 

satyriasis (ˌsætɪˈraɪəsɪs)

 

— n

a neurotic condition in men in which the symptoms are a compulsion to have sexual intercourse with as many women as possible and an inability to have lasting relationships with them

 

If her issues are truly psychological, coupled with not having resolved her abusive relationship, then the use of the word "nympho" is highly insensitive and dismissive.

[lavenderdove]

>>nym·pho·ma·ni·ac

[nim-fuh-mey-nee-ak, nim-foh‐]

1. a woman who has abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual desire.

2. (of a woman) afflicted with abnormally excessive sexual desire.

 

Just about every woman i know would be insulted if you implied she was a nympho because she liked sex because it implies she is abnormal in some way. The male equivalent of nymphomania is satyriasis, and most men wouldn't like being labeled a satyr or lecher either!

[Melbournite]

Dragunovs interpretation if the word is how I mean it, nothing at all negative implied. She loves sex and is into some pretty awesome things, much the same as me. That's why she's hard to get over, because she was so much fun to be with. Nothing wrong with a strong sex drive and the confidence to use it.

 

Maybe I do need therapy though who knows.

[Melbournite]

It's ended now anyway, couple of months ago, she was getting close to a guy prior to it ending who she's since started seeing. So no chance for counselling etc, although I did raise it with her when we were together and he response was that only she can fix herself.

 

In other news she hit me up for sex the other day as the guy she's seeing wants to take it slow and she wanted to get laid. I declined assisting her in cheating on her new guy but it told me things haven't really changed with her and how she sees me.

 

As a result of me knocking her back she lost it at me and has since cut me off. Facebook blocked and all!! Haha tragic

[Melbournite]

My question is more centred around moving on from a feeling so intense, the withdrawals etc. and any advice from those that can relate as they've experienced something similar.

 

Again apologies for the term nympho used, certainly not meant in a derogatory way, purely as a compliment to her sexuality. Perhaps sex goddess is a more applicable term..

[Edmund Exley]

My question is more centred around moving on from a feeling so intense, the withdrawals etc. and any advice from those that can relate as they've experienced something similar.

 

Again apologies for the term nympho used, certainly not meant in a derogatory way, purely as a compliment to her sexuality. Perhaps sex goddess is a more applicable term..

 

Sometimes to rid ourselves of something bad, we have to give up something good. If you are willing to stay in a relationship where you are being disrespected and have no chance of something good simply for the sex, then so be it. But don't be surprised and cry "heart break" when you are left behind, which eventually you will be.

[Melbournite]

Totally agree with you there, I've already made the call and ended it for that reason, it wasn't a good situation overall. I'm not planning to restart things.

 

The problem for me now is getting over the infatuation that still lingers so I can meet someone better. I'm still hung up a bit that's all.

 

Maybe my situations a bit less common.

[Dragunov-21]

>>nym·pho·ma·ni·ac

[nim-fuh-mey-nee-ak, nim-foh‐]

1. a woman who has abnormally excessive and uncontrollable sexual desire.

2. (of a woman) afflicted with abnormally excessive sexual desire.

 

Just about every woman i know would be insulted if you implied she was a nympho because she liked sex because it implies she is abnormal in some way. The male equivalent of nymphomania is satyriasis, and most men wouldn't like being labeled a satyr or lecher either!

 

Thanks for the English lesson, but common-use has it's place in defining terms and Australia (late gen-Y in particular) tends to be a bit more laid-back in that respect (making an assumption you're not Aussie). You have every right to be offended, but don't speak for everyone else.

 

It's a bit sensitive to confuse "above the apparent average" with "abnormal", I think. Once again, I understand why it is offensive to you, but it's not an intrinsically offensive word under all audiences/circumstances/uses.

 

I think you'd struggle to find an Aussie male who would be offended at being called a satyr. Lecher commonly holds connotations of predation and unwanted advances, so isn't strictly parallel IMO.

[sharky988]

Thanks for the English lesson, but common-use has it's place in defining terms and Australia (late gen-Y in particular) tends to be a bit more laid-back in that respect (making an assumption you're not Aussie). You have every right to be offended, but don't speak for everyone else.

 

It's a bit sensitive to confuse "above the apparent average" with "abnormal", I think. Once again, I understand why it is offensive to you, but it's not an intrinsically offensive word under all audiences/circumstances/uses.

 

I think you'd struggle to find an Aussie male who would be offended at being called a satyr. Lecher commonly holds connotations of predation and unwanted advances, so isn't strictly parallel IMO.

 

 

Dude, if you were a chick, you might be more *sensitive* to these oppressive archaic stereotypes that modern women are still fighting to overcome.

[Dragunov-21]

True, but without trying to get into a gender-politics debate I think that as much pressure comes from women as men when it comes to demonising female sexuality, irrespective of the initial source of that pressure way back in the years BC.

 

If you think back to primary school, who was the one that got picked on; the guy picking his nose (or whatever) who was self-conscious about it or the one doing it unashamedly? I think that flying the "offended" flag in the face of something that is intended innocently is more likely to harm the cause than help.

 

But I suppose that's why I'm a trade worker instead of a gender-issue scholar

 

*EDIT* Saying "It's not abnormal, stop implying that it is" is actually harmful, IMO, because it seeks to support behaviour based purely on its normality while reinforcing the idea that if it was abnormal then it would be ok to denigrate it.

 

It's not just a gender issue.

[sharky988]

It's not a gender issue for YOU, because you're a guy. If you were a girl, you'd understand how hard it is to fight against these kinds of derogatory stereotypes about women and their sexuality.

[PaintWithLight]

Totally agree with you there, I've already made the call and ended it for that reason, it wasn't a good situation overall. I'm not planning to restart things.

 

The problem for me now is getting over the infatuation that still lingers so I can meet someone better. I'm still hung up a bit that's all.

 

Maybe my situations a bit less common.

 

Now it is down to you just controlling your thoughts and fantasies. I think you had good sex but you turned it into legendary status. Just remember her mental crazies and you will be able to cool your jets big time.

[Dragunov-21]

I think I might have been a bit ambiguous there.

 

What I meant is there is a serious issue (ostracism of anything unusual) that has broader-reaching implications than gender-politics in isolation and that the argument that it's unacceptable to imply that something's is normal and that it shouldn't be denigrated for that reason is actually symptomatic of that problem.

 

Rather than seeking to normalise behaviours that are unusual (not referring to the sex drive of OP's ex here) the focus, I believe, should be on attacking the notion that there is any reason to attack or be ashamed of something that is unusual but not problematic/harmful.

 

I understand what you're saying about being a guy. I'm actually a white, straight, tall, reasonable-looking, agnostic, middle-class male in a developed nation so I've never had to experience denigration based on any of these factors.

 

I would still be interested to hear from you (or any other women) how much of the negative pressure with regard to sex comes from other women rather than men. My friends growing up have been almost exclusively female, and from what I've seen (at school at least) there's a lot of blue-on-blue when it comes to this stuff.