TalkThatTalk9 Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I need a bit of advice.... my boyfriend's parents are both passed away. first, his dad was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, stage 4. While he was seeking treatment and starting to progress, his mom was diagnosed with a devastating illness that landed her in the hospital and she died within 6 weeks. After his mom died, his dad just gave up and within 6 months he too was passed. during that time, my boyfriend sacrificed everything to be his fathers caretaker 24/7 while his sister was his moms at the hospital 24/7. they were extremely close to their parents, had lots of traditions. there are many special days they had throughout the year.... holidays were always family time. they were a good family together. ever since his parents died, which was only about 3 years ago.... he says they do not celebrate holidays like they used to. I am a very big christmas/thanksgiving person and decorating person, and his mom was the same way. anytime I start bringing up how much I can't wait to decorate he gets quiet.... he always tells me he is really going to try and make the best of the holidays this year because he has me now and I have already helped him get through a few days already this year that were rough. I guess what I am getting at is... it is extremely hard for me to understand what he is going through. I mean to a certain level I totally get what he is going through, but at the same time, I can never truly understand what it is like to lose both of my parents until it actually happens. I WANT to understand and say and do the right things for him when he is sad, I just don't know how growing up my grampa was a dad to me, and his death devastated me and still does to this day. I feel like a part of me is missing... my boyfirned has pointed out that it is in no way the same as what he has lost, and that I couldn't get it til I actually lose my real parents. I get where he is coming from.... it still hurts that when I try to make my mind wrap around it, he feels that I shouldn't even bother because there is no way I can understand.... has anyone out there a)lost both their parents..... or b)lost both your parents within the same year.... and c) lost them at a young age? (my boyfriend was 25 when he lost them both) any advice to me? I try and be there for him... I just have no idea what to say or do when he brings things up.... I am a type of person who deals with grief quietly and to myself. I retreated to myself when my gramps died, and refused to let people see me upset. I don't know why I am that way I just am... so when he brings things up as much as I want to be there for him, it makes me uncomfortable. I want to change that feeling in me... I want to be the person he needs in those times. I wanted to also ask how long before things will go back to "normal" aka celebrating holidays and stuff but that is such a stupid question ... my mom lost her mom 15 years ago and still hates christmas. I need advice on how to be there for him, how to support him, and how to get through these holidays without hurting his feelings...... I really want to try and lay it easy on the excitement this year for decorating if it is going to upset him, but he said he is gonna roll with it and see how it goes... how can I help him? like for instance.... nov. 10 is the navy's birthday or something along those lines... I asked him to go to a friends dinner with me, but he said he may not be able to because it was a day his dad would engrain in their heads was celebrated with the family (his dad was in the navy and vietnam).... so I keep thinking to myself this is going to be harder than I thought.....I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.... any tips? Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 There is a book called "The Orphaned Adult"...@ understanding and copi g with grief and the change after the death of both parents. It might help both of you. Link to comment
Scarlet2 Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 I lost both of my parents and I'm in my 30's. There really isn't anything you can do or say to make him feel better or to even understand until you are parentless too and it's definitely different if you lose them young or if you lose them when you're older and already established in life. Another factor is whether there is contact with other family members or not. I only have my sister now, any aunts or uncles or cousins I may have we don't know them because they live six states away and we never really knew them growing up when my parents were still alive so we don't celebrate holidays anymore with it being just the two of us. My sister would rather spend time with her friends than with me during the holidays. When I had a boyfriend, he was big on family and it was just too awkward and uncomfortable to celebrate holidays with his family, felt like I was an outsider looking in and your boyfriend might feel the same especially if he hasn't been doing holidays with other members of his family. The advice I can offer is to not pressure him or force him and just accept how he is and don't take it personal because it really doesn't have anything to do with you. The loss never goes away but with time he might start getting comfortable the longer he's with you. Link to comment
jimmyginger87 Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 I recently lost my dad and it helps to meditate. Sometimes loss can leave unresolved feelings that a therapist may or may not be skilled enough to aid someone with. And this requires caution because most therapists overestimate their own ability Meditation for 20 minutes three times a day is ideal, but even ten minutes can make a real difference. For a primer on how to meditate you may visit your local zen center. If you are christian its says in joshua to meditate night and day. If you are catholic it says to meditate regularly. If you are agnostic you may pick up a book if you are not comfortable with the religious aspect of it. Meditation has been proven by scientific research to improve natural temperment. It also helps deal wit adversity and grief. Taking up a classical form of music composition may help as well. Grief un resisted is grace. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 21, 2013 Share Posted October 21, 2013 It might also help and be cathartic for him and his sister to come up with a tradition for the holidays that honors their parent's love of the holiday seasons. I lost one parent in my 20's and other in my 30's, and IMO it makes it worse - and more a reminder - to avoid any form of celebration, because it brings to mind the extreme contrast with "normal" and thoughts of why it's so different. They need to come up with something that doesn't leave the loss as the focus - but brings in the good memories as well and lets them remember more than just the loss. It can be anything that suits them - we did a "memory grace" where we had a pre-holiday dinner, and friends and family who knew them, or even knew of them (knew things they'd taught their kids, for example) were invited to celebrate by each naming a good memory (or in cases of indirect knowledge, things like sister in law saying "thank you, Mrs. T, for making sure your sons knew to respect a woman - it was a great feeling when he knew how to court me properly!") and lighting a candle. Plenty of tears, but a good bit of laughter, and it helped everyone to remember not only the loss, but also what a gift they'd been during life. Link to comment
TalkThatTalk9 Posted October 21, 2013 Author Share Posted October 21, 2013 thank you all very much... it is basically just him and his sister now. they do holidays with their moms side of the family, but he says they are very judgemental towards him and his sister and it is not very fun. I have tried my best to try and be as open minded and understanding to it all.... he mentioned that he knows his sister wants to decorate but he thinks she is afraid to do it.... because of how he will feel but also because it will be the first time since their mom died she is doing it. he said I should help her this year, it would help us bond, and she would probably really appreciate it.... but I don't know if she would even like that. I said I would help if she wanted me to. he did also mention that christmas and holidays are about starting a new tradition once you start your new family. we were talking about how I myself have started my own traditions of my own because my mom hates christmas so much... I put my christmas tree up on thanksgiving night (lol I know it is a little much) and I watch "home alone" while I do it.... I had to start my own traditions becuse my mom gave up. I will keep in mind that pushing him to go to my family things will be a stupid move.... I really wanted him to go to my aunts and I said so, but I Am now going to tell him it is ok if he does not want to. all I want is for him to be ok and comfortable and have a good holiday..... and I will help in any way I can. and thank you very much mhowe for the book recommendation. I am going to look into it. Link to comment
jimmyginger87 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Grieving healthy is about letting go and so is zen meditation. 10 20min intervals Try it! see if it seems right. Be well Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Decorate as much as you want. I wouldn't censor it for him. I thought that you were distancing yourself or breaking up with him? Link to comment
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