Co-Dependent No More Experiences and Wisdom

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

I'm hoping I have put this in the right place, and that it's okay. For quite a long time now, I have known that I am like the people who Melody Beattie writes about in her book,"Co-Dependent No More". I'm re-reading the book and making sincere efforts to put it into practice.

 

So far, I've gotten to recognising some of my dependent and rescuer behaviour, and I think I am having some success at stopping that and becoming undependent. Now, I'm having to look at my own life, taking care of myself and my future. It's a bit scarey at times but I really want to do it this time.

 

Has anyone else worked at doing this - especially anyone who might be familiar with either Melody Beattie's book, the Alanon program or 12 step program for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Did you have any real light bulb moments which you would like to share or wisdom.

 

Thank You.

[quirky]

I have read most of the book eventhough I wasn't involved with an alcoholic and eventhough I am not religious. But a lot of my relationships were co-dependant. I found it very eye opening. Occasionally I dip back into it to feel centered. What do you do to stop your old patterns?

 

The biggest lesson I learned from this book was to detach and to not be blown by every wind.

[Silverbirch]

Hi and thanks Quirky. Well, so far the main thing it has made me realise about myself is that I feel that I have had to do lots for the men I have been in relationships with. In some of those relationships, the men expected it. I am certain that the man I have been seeing for quite some time really doesn't expect me to do those sorts of things. For example, my ex-ex could be a real hypochondriac and he was also obsessed with going to the gym and with food. I wasn't living with him, but he bought "me" a juicer, but that was because he wanted me to juice lots of fruit and vegetables for him. He also expected me to cook him special foods. Then in the next relationship I was in, the man had 2 teenage children he had joint custody with. He really didn't cope well with that and had a very bad relatioonship with his daughter. He was always pushing his children onto other people - even though in some ways he was over-prtective with them. He asked me to take leave from my job to be home on the school holidays - and I did.

 

It's a weird thing especially about food because I just love to coook for other people, but I don't cook much just for myself. I don't take as much care with my own health as I do of taking care of the health of the people close to me -= well that has been the pattern in the past.

 

I've also been overly generous with money and gifts, spending more than I really could afford, and have gone without some things for myself which I shouldn't have - for example, putting aside enough money for regular visits to my family interstate.

 

All of the other men I had been involved with at some point had drinking problems - 2 had been to AA. This current man doesn't drink, but can be very moody by his own admission. He is very unwell with Lymphoma and having chemo at present. I am trying to be a good friend without taking over. His daughter does a lot for him because she wants to and I try to stand back and help when I am asked.

 

I think that I have felt that if I didn't do those sorts of things for people then they wouldn't want me because "just me" wouldn't be enough - and maybe with those particular men, there was some truth in that. I don't think it is the case with this man although I don't know if it will be a lifelong relationship.

 

Sharky, when I have gotten to the part of the book of looking at my own life and future, that has been pretty scarey though not totally sure why it should be because I can be good at taking care of others - just not myself.

[OccultFigurine]

 

 

 

I think that I have felt that if I didn't do those sorts of things for people then they wouldn't want me because "just me" wouldn't be enough - and maybe with those particular men, there was some truth in that. I don't think it is the case with this man although I don't know if it will be a lifelong relationship.

 

 

This part stood out for me, because although I have had co-dependent behaviours in the past, I believe that certain people needed me to be like that for the relationship to survive, so I try not to beat myself up about that too much. I read the book, at the time, and it certainly helped me in the short term to disengage from a lot of my ex's dramas. However, I think the thing that helped me the most, and ensures that I won't end up in a relationship like that again is probably just being single for a good while, focusing on my own goals related to my career and my family.

 

I have no immediate plans to get into a relationship until some more of my goals have been met, but I know the warning signs and know I will be much more cautious about who I share my life with

 

Edited to add: I don't know if it's a generational thing or not, but most of the women around me growing up had given up a lot for their partners, and in some ways this was unconsciously instilled in me that that's what women did for their partners-gave up their careers, moved, centred their lives around their husbands and their husbands jobs. I'm hopeful that my own daughter will see another way of doing things

[mhowe]

My father was an alcoholic --- and an emotionally distant man. I obviously watched the dynamic between my parents, and in turn, felt "comfortable" in a relationship where I was the "emotionally healthy" one. But I wasn't --- I was co-dependent, trying to "save" my alcoholic bf of the time.

 

I don't remember the "aha" moment --- I just remember getting to the end of my rope and thinking, "this can't be all there is to life, to relationships, to love".

 

And I broke up with him, and set out on my quest to find ME. Probably for the first time. I didn't date, focused on my career, family, friends...and myself.

It took years --- but it took years to lose myself as well, so I guess that is to be expected.

 

When I was ready --- love found me again. And I had discarded in the meantime, the need or belief that I had to be anyone but ME. And if that wasn't "good enough", then it was the wrong relationship.

[Silverbirch]

Yes, and thank you OF. My ex-ex is now with a woman who is even more of a carer than I am. She is also more overly giving financially towards him than I was, and goes without essentials for herself. He really "needs" someone like that - he had previously had problems with alcohol and drugs and his mother was still giving him money when he was middle-aged and she was in her 80's. Despite this, due to his spending, he was forced to declare himself bankrupt due to credit card and other spending. From what I can make out, he doesn't work at all these days but has a luxury motorbike and goes on a lot trips to nice places.

 

I think that most of my life, I envisaged a future in a relationship - partly because I didn't really think I could have a decent long-term future on my own. I like my job although it doesn't pay all that well. However, I'm starting to get on top of things - taken up salary packaging, have found out how I can borrow to buy a new car with 6 years warranty and pay very little interest instead of driving old cars which I am constantly having to pay money on. I have even been looking about at properties which I am quite certain one day I very likely will afford to buy for retirement for me and my furry family. I saw one last night quite suitable which is currently rented out and was thinking out how I could do it - making the most of tax breaks by doing improvements while it is rented out - example, external work on the house, installing good heating, and taking out insurance so if it gets knocked around by tenants, I could afford to get it fixed. All of that seemed too big in the past for me to think about. My future was in the hope of being able to do that with another person.

[OccultFigurine]

Yeah I think these types of guys will always find someone to look after them, whether it's a girlfriend or a mother,there's always someone propping them up. Once you're able to step back and let go, you realise that it's not going to be you....

 

you've actually just reminded me of something from way back. I was 19 and with my first boyfriend=we had just moved in together. His mum came round for dinner one night, inspected our house for dust (!) and then proceeded to tell me that I wasn't looking after 'her boy' properly because I wasn't washing his shirts to her standard! I think I was too naive and a bit shocked at the time to react as I should have, but it figures that since we split (11 years ago) he's moved back in with her and hasn't had either a job or another girlfriend- he also got into so much debt that he now has his benefits paid into her bank account...I was well away from that one!

 

All your plans sound very exciting! It's amazing once you take looking after someone else out of the equation, the world just seems to open up and opportunities appear. When you're looking after someone else emotionally, I think you kind of survive day to day, and can't see far enough into the future to make any kind of plan. Although I've at times thought that relationships weren't for me, due to the unhealthy dynamics involved, I've now come to the realisation that actually, I was just in the wrong ones, and that a healthy relationship will give me emotional space to pursue my goals, as well as support them. I wish you well in your endeavors!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks M. I hope it isn't icky for me to say you are a type of role model for me! My father was also an alcoholic and he wasn't about much. He treated my mother terribly and eventually left her for a younger woman who gave and gave and put up with him. Once my mother refused to be bullied into issues related to her money, that was the end of the marriage.

 

Yes, OF. You know, you can give and give until you are dry with alcoholics or very troubled people but it can't make them love you. There is usually always another woman or a mother who will enable that person. There is no point in going down the gurgler with them.

 

The thought of having my own place one day is just wonderful, and I'm trying to be as realistic as I can about what I will be able to afford and how to go about getting it. My regrets are not only that I wasted that time and money, but that I could have put some of that in to my family of origin.

 

I'm finding the book very good, but I haven't done any of the writing yet - I'm going to go back and do that.

[mhowe]

I am not sure I should be a role model --- but I have lived my life to the best of my ability, and learned my lessons along the way. I find that if/when you learn the lessons, you no longer have to repeat them!

 

There will be other lessons --- my long standing one has been PATIENCE. Let the river take you...don't fight the current. Because inevitably, you will get to the same place, but you won't be so tired!

 

My dad was an amazing guy -- he did not abuse my mom, or us. But he was an only child of a very odd and dysfunctional union of his parents --- and really had no idea how to be "open". My mother was one of six...and I think part of the attraction was that she had a clan! And never was that more visible than in her demise, when 4 remaining siblings and a dozen cousins rose to the occasion of coming together in her support.

 

I learned very young that I wanted to be "independent"...not count on a man for my financial security. I am sure that at times, if my mother could have left him, she might have. I also know, on her deathbed --- that she told me --- "I have always loved him". They didn't know about the languages of love...and they did not speak the same language. But they adored each other.

 

I realized, w/ my long term bf who was an alcoholic --- that I could not change him, or fix him. Another lesson. Learned.

[Silverbirch]

Hey, I like that -"Let the river take you, don't fight the current. Eventually, you will get to the same place but won't have to fight the current." Makes perfect sense. Do you mind if I make that my signature - at least for a while?

 

I didn't consciously feel that I wanted to be dependent - but I did feel I wanted to be part of a couple and do certain things together - like get a house and make it a home, put down roots. Well, now I will do that myself.

[mhowe]

Wow...I am replacing Rocky!! You are welcome to it!

Hey, I like that -"Let the river take you, don't fight the current. Eventually, you will get to the same place but won't have to fight the current." Makes perfect sense. Do you mind if I make that my signature - at least for a while?

 

I didn't consciously feel that I wanted to be dependent - but I did feel I wanted to be part of a couple and do certain things together - like get a house and make it a home, put down roots. Well, now I will do that myself.

[Silverbirch]

LOL, Yes, it's done!

[mhowe]

Wow...my very own quote! That's a first!

[Silverbirch]

Well, if this is only the first, imagine what could be to come! :single_eye:

[Silverbirch]

Oh Wo, I am now at the part of the book about looking at the realities of how life is. Everything she writes makes perfect sense to me.

[chitown9]

We need to ask ourselves at times, "Am I helping, or enabling?" ...chi

[Silverbirch]

Good point Chi.

 

When I am really honest, I think that sometimes I have done things because I have really wanted to be loved, but well, love doesn't work that way.