The ex, and interacting with her new BF (divorce not yet final, he sleeps over)

[nbr]

Ok,

Some know my history, others don't. At this point I doubt any of it matters.

 

I filed for divorce, and that's slowly coming along. Everything is rather civil, no lawyers, minimal namecalling, kids are not being used as weapons or snitches (AFAIK), communication between the Ex and I is good, friendly even.

 

We finally came to a point where we both emotionally want to get back together, but we know we can't, we will be right where we left off, I'll start drinking again (at 10 months and 1 day! Wooooooooo!), in short: hell.

 

The guy she was cheating on me with now sleeps over openly on nights the kids are not with her. They are currently being shielded from this relationship (though my daughter has a pretty good idea). I stay positive about "mommy's friend" with the kids, and in fact he and I have talked a bit. I believe he is physically safe for my kids, and don't see an emotional threat.

 

Now, I know it is in everyone's best interest to be at least polite, and possibly friends with this guy... never ever going to be "drinking buddies" kind of friends, but, somewhere in the positive side, hopefully.

 

I accept that he was lied to by her as well, he had no idea I was being lied to by her about their dates, he thought it was all open. He is another dad at the kids' school (our children are in class together no less).

 

Any tips from others out there how to deal with the turmoil inside from these interactions? I can keep it together just fine when I'm at the interaction, but afterwards I am emotionally ruined for at least a day. The ex and he don't try to shove anything in my face at all, quite the opposite, but still...

 

Tangential question: is trying to be friends with the ex's new partner a bad idea always, or is it really up to the individuals?

-nbr

[CatsMeeoow]

I know its rough... but yes, for your kids its best to be on good terms with your ex and her new beau. Its something that few people can actually achieve.

 

Take it a step at a time and just smile and be friendly at the door. Keep the conversation directly about the kids - ie homework, issues at school, medical. Make it business like. You don't have to ask how she is doing or how work is going or him either.

 

It does get easier but it does take a lot of time to get there. My blended family suffers because their mother uses them as pawns and refuses to discipline seriously bad behavior that creates a lot of anger and resentment in my husband and after 3yr of it he has been pushed too far and its ugly. Its so not good for the kids at all. When you are feeling defeated from a recent interaction remind yourself its not about you... or your ex... or her new beau... its about your beautiful kids! Look at their pictures... and remember it does get easier and better.

 

Hugs!

[nbr]

My interaction seems to be more direct. My kids and his kids are friends. I can't really tell my kids, "No you can only play with his kids on mommy's days."

 

Case in point, they are all coming to my dojo Friday for a public event, by my kids' invitation to his kids. He will be there with the ex, and I'm actually thinking about trying to invite him onto the mat (I'll play nice) for a demonstration.

 

He's not a bad guy, and karma will take care of anything I have resentment for...

-nbr

[CatsMeeoow]

Well that is a very intertwined thing with the kids being friends with his kids and all... still you will reap the rewards for taking the high road.

 

When my husband and I were dating his ex wife showed up at my home unannounced and knowing her ex was at work and her kids were with his family to threaten me and my son. This was the first time I met her. I was dating her ex and of course we were to the point that we did kid friendly things so our kids could get to know each other - baseball games, museums, etc. She informed me that all of her family was teaching her son who was 10 at the time to hurt my son. WTH??? Needless to say those poor kids wanted so bad to enjoy themselves with their dad at our home but were getting some pretty horrific signals from their mom... who they of course love no matter what. Why make it that ugly? She wasn't hurting me or my husband - she was truly only hurting her own kids. They were miserable and they didn't have to be.

 

So hold your head high... your kids will respect that far more even though they may not be of age to truly understand until years from now. Remember karma will take care of its own... you don't have to help it.

[RedDress]

I think you are doing fabulously, nbr. And CatsMeow has some great advice.

 

Sometimes it's just about faking it until you make it.

 

You don't have to be this guy's best friend, and like CatsMeow said, you don't have to ask about his work or how they are doing - but the friendlier the interaction, the better.

 

I know some people who even have dinner together (ex-husband, new wife, ex-wife and new husband) all as a family, I know other families who are just cordial and again others who are train wrecks. Of course - you just don't want to be in the 'train wreck' category. The rest is up to all of you and what you are all comfortable and happy with.

 

Don't push yourself too hard to be extra-nice... but it sounds like you have things under control and that things will only get better.

 

Time is your best friend in these instances. Time and the knowledge that you are doing good by your kids.

[lavenderdove]

My best advice is don't push it... as in, if it's still hurting and messing with your head, then minimize contact and definitely don't try to be friendlier than being civil.

 

After enough time has passed you won't care, but as long as it makes you feel emotional, you need to tread lightly and keep your distance. There will be plenty of time to be more friendly with him IF he becomes a permanent fixture in your kid's life (i.e., they move in together or get engaged), but if they're just dating and you're still affected by this, no need to buddy up to the guy. Let time heal you, and also wait to see if their relationship is even permanent (which it may not be). Many relationships that started in cheating fall apart due to lack of trust and cheating issues.

[nbr]

I find myself soooooo frustrated with myself.

I want to move on, which means she can move on.

Sexually she is still attractive, but emotionally I have been hurt so many times I don't want her.

 

So why do I still get so hurt inside? That's the frustrating part.

Heck I even have a gal that I get along with great, chemistry is great, from the little bit of kissing we've done, that's great.

So why am I still stuck? meditation. lots of meditation.

[nbr]

Many relationships that started in cheating fall apart due to lack of trust and cheating issues.

 

I'm wondering if this is *why* I'm stuck. That deep down I really think the marriage could have been fixed had he kept his mitts off it. I know I feel resentment towards him, that just because his marriage was failing didn't mean he had to interfere with mine being healed.

 

If this is where I really am stuck, then I will be better once they split (if they do)?

If they don't, how to ever get over that resentment?

 

I know if I knew the answers then I would already be better... one of the universe's twists of irony I suppose.