Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Ok, so I have only hung out with this guy twice, I broke one of my rules and slept with him, this is only the 2nd time we hung out. We stayed up all night talking after we did, so it wasnt awkard and we have had contact since then. I feel really disappointed in myself because usually Im really good at not doing anything sexual until, me and a guy have atleast said we are dating. I now dont know what to think of the situation, I know most people say that when you engage in sex early it probably wont go anywhere.. I honestly would like to get to know him better, but I am afraid I ruined it, any advice would be great thanks Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Talk to him. Ask he what he is thinking and explain you got "carried" away --- and would like to develop a relationship, not an FWB situation. Because on date #2, it does look like it is about sex. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I would not bring up "I don't just want an FWB situation" -that makes it sound like you have baggage/negative past. State it positively "I'm really having fun getting to know you and I look forward to getting to know you even better - I think I got a little carried away the other night - I feel like things moved a bit too fast". Your story reminds me of an old friend of mine who used to have a lot of one night stands and he said (laughing) that almost every woman said the next morning "I never do things like this!". Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Talk to him. Ask he what he is thinking and explain you got "carried" away --- and would like to develop a relationship, not an FWB situation. Because on date #2, it does look like it is about sex. I know how should I approach him, our schedules are off so he works from the afternoon to late evening, so our schedules are off because I work until the afternoon. I would rather know where he stands now than later Link to comment
valerie25 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Just stay cool and instead of staying in, meet in public places so that you can get to know each other. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I would not bring up "I don't just want an FWB situation" -that makes it sound like you have baggage/negative past. State it positively "I'm really having fun getting to know you and I look forward to getting to know you even better - I think I got a little carried away the other night - I feel like things moved a bit too fast". Your story reminds me of an old friend of mine who used to have a lot of one night stands and he said (laughing) that almost every woman said the next morning "I never do things like this!". But I really dont do things like this, Im not embarassed just really surprised at myself, she I text him? Link to comment
calichick007 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 But I really dont do things like this, Im not embarassed just really surprised at myself, she I text him? I agree w/ Batya re: not giving him the "I don't usually do things like this" speech. Even if it's true, tons of women offer this after having sex too soon and I feel like guys rarely believe it because they hear it so often. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I agree w/ Batya re: not giving him the "I don't usually do things like this" speech. Even if it's true, tons of women offer this after having sex too soon and I feel like guys rarely believe it because they hear it so often. So basically I really screwed up Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 I already gave him the " I dont do things like this" after it happened, then we stopped and some how did it again, we laughed about it later and talked all night about random stuff, but now I want to see where his head is Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 So, ask him. It sounds like you have a good rapport. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I know how should I approach him, our schedules are off so he works from the afternoon to late evening, so our schedules are off because I work until the afternoon. I would rather know where he stands now than later Just avoid anymore at home dates. If it fizzles out then it will be a good reminder to keep dates public for a while! Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 Just avoid anymore at home dates. If it fizzles out then it will be a good reminder to keep dates public for a while! Thats a good idea, so should I not say anything? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Thats a good idea, so should I not say anything? Well, you already told him "you never do this!" so he knows you don't want to be seen as easy. I think casually letting him know you enjoy getting to know him and want to continue to do so is fine. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 So, ask him. It sounds like you have a good rapport. Yeah thats why I dont know if it would be awkaward if I say something plus I dont really know how to say what I want haha Link to comment
calichick007 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Yeah thats why I dont know if it would be awkaward if I say something plus I dont really know how to say what I want haha If you feel comfortable enough to give him access to your body, you should feel comfortable enough to tell him what you want. I always find this kind of thinking very confusing. Now isn't the time to clam up. It's very difficult to try to back your way into a relationship once you've thrown sex into the mix... hemming and hawing about what it is you want will only make it more difficult -- at least in my experience. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 23, 2013 Author Share Posted September 23, 2013 If you feel comfortable enough to give him access to your body, you should feel comfortable enough to tell him what you want. I always find this kind of thinking very confusing. Now isn't the time to clam up. It's very difficult to try to back your way into a relationship once you've thrown sex into the mix... hemming and hawing about what it is you want will only make it more difficult -- at least in my experience. Thats true so I should ask him what he is looking for? Link to comment
rapunzel Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 I would not bring up "I don't just want an FWB situation" -that makes it sound like you have baggage/negative past. State it positively "I'm really having fun getting to know you and I look forward to getting to know you even better - I think I got a little carried away the other night - I feel like things moved a bit too fast". Your story reminds me of an old friend of mine who used to have a lot of one night stands and he said (laughing) that almost every woman said the next morning "I never do things like this!". Good advice on what to say above, or say nothing and don't give your power away to him, as if you are now somehow diminished in his eyes because you had sex and he, of course, being male, doesn't have to fear being judged for acting on the most natural of impulses. And that the failure of a potential relationship based on the event that sex occurred would naturally, be YOUR fault, and not his. I think women do feel the need to explain/apologize for breaking this "rule" because the double standard is alive and well and is not going away. Sorry I'm still licking my wounds over the last guy. We were physical fairly early on but did not have sex until about the 12th date and that is the last time I saw him. Good luck and I'm glad you are not embarrassed but please go easy on yourself. I would not ask him what he is looking for but if I were not comfortable with what happened, I might distance myself a bit, play it "cool" and see how he reacts. I would see if he takes the lead and I would try to avoid having future encounters with him turn into a sex-only type thing. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Thats true so I should ask him what he is looking for? I don't think you should yet -you've only had one date. Definitely find out in general what he's looking for and tell him you don't feel comfortable having sex again unless you two decide to be exclusive. Link to comment
732mni Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 So basically I really screwed up It sounds like you had a great time with this guy, and the feelings were mutual. The OP did not suggest he was playing or using you, So congratulation would seem to be in order. Yet instead of being happy about it, you are obsessively worrying about breaking one of your self imposed rules. Keep in mind you are the judge, jury and plaintiff in this case. You are the one that set the rule. And you are the one that went against it. That indicates that you are not sure what you really want. And instead of looking internally for direction, you are looking externally for guidance. Instead of following your heart, you are more concerned in following girl code so that you wont be judged harshly or shamed. No one else has a right to judge you! What is more important to you: Being with someone that makes you happy, or adhering to girl code? Either way, Ill just say congratulations on the nice evening you had. I dont think you screwed up at all. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 I agree I do feel like I should just be happy and go for it, plus not having any kind of sexual enounter for over a year didnt help my impluse, so if it wasnt this time then next time it was bound to happen, I am human. I just feel like now he wont be as interested because I didnt really leave any mystery I kind of just gave it away. It doesnt help that I only heard from him twice this week. Which isnt unsual but Im parinod. My dating life has sucked this year, so im almost expecting the worse. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 I agree I do feel like I should just be happy and go for it, plus not having any kind of sexual enounter for over a year didnt help my impluse, so if it wasnt this time then next time it was bound to happen, I am human. I just feel like now he wont be as interested because I didnt really leave any mystery I kind of just gave it away. It doesnt help that I only heard from him twice this week. Which isnt unsual but Im parinod. My dating life has sucked this year, so im almost expecting the worse. It's good that you know that about yourself now -about what your personal boundaries and limits are when it comes to casual sex. I don't think it has to do with being human generally -it has to do with your specific way of dealing with an opportunity to have casual sex. I do think having sex early on increases the risk that the relationship won't proceed but as you wrote you would have made the same choice with the very next person given your personal approach to casual sex. That someone else might have made a different decision doesn't matter. I hope he calls soon. Link to comment
mhowe Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 You heard from him 2x and you are not even dating yet. Relax. Link to comment
GoinCrazyIN Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 UGH this is one of my recent annoyances with women. Why does everything have to be on a "timeline"? Timelines put stress on things. Why worry about rules or anything of that sort? You like each other, there is a mutual attraction. You are both adults. Get over it. Move on. Sorry, pet peeve. Link to comment
Redabc123 Posted September 24, 2013 Author Share Posted September 24, 2013 It's good that you know that about yourself now -about what your personal boundaries and limits are when it comes to casual sex. I don't think it has to do with being human generally -it has to do with your specific way of dealing with an opportunity to have casual sex. I do think having sex early on increases the risk that the relationship won't proceed but as you wrote you would have made the same choice with the very next person given your personal approach to casual sex. That someone else might have made a different decision doesn't matter. I hope he calls soon. Thank you for your positive response... I hope he does too Link to comment
732mni Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 You heard from him 2x and you are not even dating yet. Relax. Yeah. I think a big cause for unneccessary drama in relationships is the gap between genders on texting/communication frequency. Twice in a week, i would think is a healthy amount, but from reading these threads it seems like most women would prefer at least twice a day? And even more often once youre in a committed relationship? Yes, there may be some guys that think less of you because of the early physical intimacy, or just use women in general. Here is how many times they would have texted you: zero. So I think that is a sign you are in good shape here. Link to comment
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