I don't like my best friends relationship

[Wizardwoman]

So its not that I don't like my best friend's boyfriend, but I don't really like them together. There's just a few things I have seen that kind of irritate me. I feel like they spend too much time together and she will bend over backwards for him. For example, he was living out of state and basically told her she needed to move out there or he wouldn't be able to do the LDR thing anymore. So she quits school and quits her job to move out there only to stay for 6 months and now they live back here. They both knew he would be back so I always found it strange she couldn't wait 6 more months and instead she decided to put an entire years worth of school off (because it interfered with both semesters) and I just thought he should have told her to stay here and finish school if he really loved her.

 

So now they have been back here for about 6 months and its like she doesn't hang out with anyone except for him. The other weekend was the FIRST time in soooo long that me and her got to have a night out just me and her and that's only because he was out of town. I also find it strange that the few times a group of us girls have had "ladies nights" planned out he always wants to come. So he ended up going to one a few months ago and it was just weird because none of the other girls brought there significant others so he was the only guy. So then this other time we had a ladies night thing planned and of course he wanted to come so she told me to invite the gentleman I was currently dating to come so he would have another male to hang with. So I asked my bf at the time and he was like "umm, no I don't want to go please don't ever invite me to a girls night" lol I was like good answer!!!

 

Also about a month ago one of our childhood best friends was in town (she lives a few hours away) and she is rarely in town. So we all hung out for like an hour and then my best friend left to go to her boyfriends house. Our other friend was like what the hell I am in town visiting and you can't even stay away from him for one night to hang out with me?? We tried talking to her about it but she doesn't seem to think its a problem at all. It was like she didn't even want to hang out with us.

 

So this brings us to today. Tomorrow we again have some plans for a couple of us ladies to go get drinks. Well she texts me and says she cant go because she needs to go to dinner for her boyfriends brothers girlfriends birthday.... She then proceeds to tell me she doesnt want to go and is going to try and get out of it. I was like oh well that shouldnt be too hard to get out of its not like any of you guys are married or family ya know I mean its his brothers girlfriend. She says that it is hard to get out of their "family dinners". Im like okay it would be one thing if she wanted to go, but shes sitting here telling me she wants to get out of it. What the heck is so difficult about telling them you are sorry but you have other plans already??? Which brings me to this, she also tells him she had girls night planned and he says "I want to go, how come you never invite me to girls night? you dont want me to have any friends"....I was like wow are you serious?? Why would he even WANT to come to girls night?? I dont understand it at all. And its not that he is mean or controlling, I think he is just a big baby and clingy.

 

I dont know what to think, am I overreacting? It just seems weird to me and they have been together 2 years its not like this is some new relationship ya know. I am never like this with my boyfriends and none of my other friends are either.

[mhowe]

Dear -- it is none of your business if she hasn't asked you.

 

It is her relationship with him...not yours.

[shellyf62]

If your friend is happy with this guy and he treats her well then you have no say in how much time they spend together.

You need to start spending more time with the gfs you have that like doing girl nights.

[Wizardwoman]

You guys are correct, its her business, which is why I never say anything to her about it except for one time. I just dont want her to look back and regret that she spent her early/mid 20's doing everything a man wants her to do.

[solamente]

You guys are correct, its her business, which is why I never say anything to her about it except for one time. I just dont want her to look back and regret that she spent her early/mid 20's doing everything a man wants her to do.

 

um, that is what most girls do when they get a man. you will learn that through the years. what you fail to see is that it is also what *she* wants to do, regardless of how she presents the situation(s) to you.

[Batya33]

You guys are correct, its her business, which is why I never say anything to her about it except for one time. I just dont want her to look back and regret that she spent her early/mid 20's doing everything a man wants her to do.

 

Even if those are your true intentions it's not going to come accross that way to her -you are not her mother or her therapist (and even then she'd find it tough to take). Unless she asks you point blank "do you think I'm going to regret spending my early/mid 20s this way?" say nothing. Assume she knows what she's doing and unless you see actual abuse or to that similar extreme, stay out of it.

[Wizardwoman]

um, that is what most girls do when they get a man. you will learn that through the years. what you fail to see is that it is also what *she* wants to do, regardless of how she presents the situation(s) to you.

 

Well I disagree I mean I have been in two serious relationships and I wouldn't do everything my man wanted me to do. My mother and my grandma sure as hell dont either so maybe thats where I get it from. I do agree tho with the fact that she might actually want to spend all her time with him but just tells us ladies that she wants to hang with us. Idk I have known her for probably 14 years and she has always always done what other people want and has never been the type to stand up for herself.

[ThatwasThen]

If she's happy then I doubt she'll look back and regret a thing. If you miss her then invite him and her to yours for a few drinks and/or make them dinner or something and get to know him better so you won't resent him the way you currently do. Maybe he has a friend or two he can set you up with even?

[Wizardwoman]

If she's happy then I doubt she'll look back and regret a thing. If you miss her then invite him and her to yours for a few drinks and/or make them dinner or something and get to know him better so you won't resent him the way you currently do. Maybe he has a friend or two he can set you up with even?

 

we did that it didnt really work out with his friend lol. Well I have known him for years probably like 8 so I dont resent him or dislike him I guess Im just having a hard time figuring out why he is so clingy and wants to go to all the ladies nights and stuff. And why she puts him before all of us girls that she has been friends with for our entire lives

[solamente]

Well I disagree I mean I have been in two serious relationships and I wouldn't do everything my man wanted me to do. My mother and my grandma sure as hell dont either so maybe thats where I get it from. I do agree tho with the fact that she might actually want to spend all her time with him but just tells us ladies that she wants to hang with us. Idk I have known her for probably 14 years and she has always always done what other people want and has never been the type to stand up for herself.

 

lol. ask your mom and grandma what they were like the first year with their man. it is very common.

[Wizardwoman]

lol. ask your mom and grandma what they were like the first year with their man. it is very common.

 

it might be common, but why are you so quick to think EVERY young woman bows down to her man??

[oitnb]

For once, I don't agree with the majority of the posters. A young woman in her 20's not able to go on even ONE girls night out without her boyfriend? That's not normal. Do they live together?

 

I'm worried there might be more going on behind the scenes that you're not seeing. Granted, I know nothing about these two, and it's none of your business to comment on there relationship unless you see abuse, but when a girl can't go out one night without her man attached at her hip that's a big red flag of a controlling man to me. Sorry for the gigantic, run on sentence.

[solamente]

not what i said, those are your words. i think many women, at least the ones i have known, drop doing a lot of things with their female friends when they get into a relationship with a man. especially when they get married and have kids. they just don't have as much time for the single life. i don't think it is BOWING down to anyone. it is simply enjoying being with the person you want to be with at the expense of spending time with the g/f's.

 

you are awfully defensive though. and since i am pretty sure i am probably twice your age, i have probably known quite a few more women than you. so chill.

[Wizardwoman]

not what i said, those are your words. i think many women, at least the ones i have known, drop doing a lot of things with their female friends when they get into a relationship with a man. especially when they get married and have kids. they just don't have as much time for the single life.

 

you are awfully defensive though. and since i am pretty sure i am probably twice your age, i have probably known quite a few more women than you. so chill.

 

I am not defensive at all I was just asking a question. No need to tell me to "chill" just because you are older than me.

[Wizardwoman]

For once, I don't agree with the majority of the posters. A young woman in her 20's not able to go on even ONE girls night out without her boyfriend? That's not normal. Do they live together?

 

I'm worried there might be more going on behind the scenes that you're not seeing. Granted, I know nothing about these two, and it's none of your business to comment on there relationship unless you see abuse, but when a girl can't go out one night without her man attached at her hip that's a big red flag of a controlling man to me. Sorry for the gigantic, run on sentence.

 

THANK YOU lol finally someone understands that is it not normal!!!

[oitnb]

THANK YOU lol finally someone understands that is it not normal!!!

 

Have you gotten to know him personally? Sorry if you've already answered that, after seeing everyone say "it's not your business" repeatedly I quit reading. Yes, it's not your business, but I think in this situation it's perfectly acceptable to be concerned. So long as you don't blow the situation out of proportion.

[solamente]

actually, you are being so defensive that it sounds like you are jealous. so, there is your answer. you are jealous of her relationship. so get over it. and chill.

[oitnb]

actually, you are being so defensive that it sounds like you are jealous. so, there is your answer. you are jealous of her relationship. so get over it. and chill.

 

She is clearly worried about her friend and posting here for advice. She does not sound jealous at all to me. I think nearly any woman would be concerned if every single girls night, when no men are there, her friend drags her boyfriend along. There's no need to be snippy just because people don't agree with you.

 

Oh and age doesn't always = wisdom. Just saying!

[Wizardwoman]

She is clearly worried about her friend and posting here for advice. She does not sound jealous at all to me. I think nearly any woman would be concerned if every single girls night, when no men are there, her friend drags her boyfriend along. There's no need to be snippy just because people don't agree with you.

 

Oh and age doesn't always = wisdom. Just saying!

 

Agreed and thank you... And I know him but not super well. I don't THINK he is controlling, but the signs kinda make it seem that way. So I dont really know. I just know it is bizarre that she can never do anything without him whining that he wants to come along or whining that she isnt going to his house instead.

[oitnb]

Agreed and thank you... And I know him but not super well. I don't THINK he is controlling, but the signs kinda make it seem that way. So I dont really know. I just know it is bizarre that she can never do anything without him whining that he wants to come along or whining that she isnt going to his house instead.

 

Maybe plan a one on one coffee thing with him or something? Just a "I want to get to know my best friends s.o. Better" type thing? And see what he says? I'm not saying hit him with a tirade of accusations, just see if he brings anything up that could lead to you casually asking him why he likes coming to all your girlie hangouts so much. Make sure it's super casual though, you don't want to create any awkward situations!

[Wizardwoman]

Maybe plan a one on one coffee thing with him or something? Just a "I want to get to know my best friends s.o. Better" type thing? And see what he says? I'm not saying hit him with a tirade of accusations, just see if he brings anything up that could lead to you casually asking him why he likes coming to all your girlie hangouts so much. Make sure it's super casual though, you don't want to create any awkward situations!

 

That actually might be a good idea. I know my best friend wouldnt care either lol.

[solamente]

and you wonder why she would choose a man over you most of the time? no-freaking-brainer.

[oitnb]

That actually might be a good idea. I know my best friend wouldnt care either lol.

 

Yeah. Just tell her you haven't really gotten to know him, and would like to since she's important to you so hence, that makes him important to you to.

[oitnb]

and you wonder why she would choose a man over you most of the time? no-freaking-brainer.

 

I never choose men over my friends..... Even when I was in the honeymoon oh-my-god-he's-so-amazing stage. You're the one being defensive. Geez I thought this site was to help people, not be rude.

[Wizardwoman]

and you wonder why she would choose a man over you most of the time? no-freaking-brainer.

 

solamente,

 

Why do you feel the need to argue and be rude to someone when you are "twice their age"? I did not even respond to your last comment and here you are still going on about it. I feel sorry for you.