I don't like my best friends relationship

[ItRainsItPours]

It's a pretty big leap to go from your friend spends too much time with her boyfriend to he might possibly be abusing her. That type of accusation can ruin a man's reputation and it's very irresponsible to throw it around without some actual evidence. OP you weren't even thinking that he was being abusive until Bah said something. It sounded from your first post that he was clingy, not abusive.

 

It isn't for you to say if she spends too much time with him. If she's planning on marrying him then you'll have to get used to it. And it doesn't sound like she's bowing down to him, it sounds like she wants to be around him that much. Some people like spending that much time with their partners, nothing strange about it. you could ask her to make more time for you, thats a fair request, but that's about it unless you want to cause problems.

[Wizardwoman]

Oh idk if I said I agree or something like that but I didnt mean i think he might be abusing her. I dont think that. I just think it wouldnt hurt to spend a night apart every now and then

[oitnb]

I never said abuse!! You must've misunderstood. I said she can't really say anything about her friends relationship UNLESS there is abuse going on.

 

And then I said that if a man can't let his girl have one night out on her own, that's a big red flag that he might be controlling. I never meant to imply he was abusive, I don't even know this man.

[MikNomis]

I know how you feel, it's like your best friend is totally whipped and they're so different from how they were before. It is frustrating because she's your friend, and you and others continually invite her to hang out but always get rejected with the same reason, "my bf." In a nutshell, it's like you guys don't matter anymore or at least significantly less than her bf who probably hasn't even known her for as long as you have. And you KNOW if they ever break up she'll come crawling back and it's like wow, now you want to hang out. Crappy feeling, I agree.

 

It's not about how much she loves him, she can love him all she wants. But to dedicate nearly 100% of her time solely for him? C'mon.

[solamente]

solamente,

 

Why do you feel the need to argue and be rude to someone when you are "twice their age"? I did not even respond to your last comment and here you are still going on about it. I feel sorry for you.

 

thank you for feeling sorry for me. aw. you were rude to me first, so perhaps i did get a bit snippy. don't worry, i will steer well clear of you from now on.

[Iggles]

I know how you feel, it's like your best friend is totally whipped and they're so different from how they were before. It is frustrating because she's your friend, and you and others continually invite her to hang out but always get rejected with the same reason, "my bf." In a nutshell, it's like you guys don't matter anymore or at least significantly less than her bf who probably hasn't even known her for as long as you have. And you KNOW if they ever break up she'll come crawling back and it's like wow, now you want to hang out. Crappy feeling, I agree.

 

It's not about how much she loves him, she can love him all she wants. But to dedicate nearly 100% of her time solely for him? C'mon.

 

This sums it up perfectly!

 

I completely see where the OP is coming from. I don't think she's jealous -- she just misses her friend and correctly sees that she's in a codependent relationship with the boyfriend!

 

It's weird and over the top that her boyfriend won't let her go to girls' night with her friends without tagging along! I admit, I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend than I do with friends these days, but I fully acknowledge the dynamics change with you bring your guy along to hang out, so it's necessary to have some one-on-one time with your friends!

[Iggles]

Oh idk if I said I agree or something like that but I didnt mean i think he might be abusing her. I dont think that. I just think it wouldnt hurt to spend a night apart every now and then

 

I hear ya. I think a lot of posters overreacted and gave you a hard time. It's not jealousy or being a busybody for noticing your friends' unhealthy relationship dynamics! Being a friend to me, means that you can be real. That means you're not afraid to address concerns with them!

 

This "mind your own business" mindset is fine for acquaintances and coworkers, but my close friends? No way! The people I care about, I will call them out if I think they're doing something shady - I will tell them if they have spinach in their teeth - and I absolutely will talk to them if I'm worried about them! That's what you do for people you love! If they're having a rough time you notice and offer to help, not look away to be "polite"!

[Seraphim]

I don't think there's anything wrong with the relationship at all. Maybe they are planning to marry? When you marry that is your primary relationship not your friends. At least not to me. My relationship with my significant other or spouse comes first ,family second and friends third. Maybe that is how she sees it as well. I don't see it is bowing down to anyone. I see it as a choice and being with who you want to be with.

 

What is happening is just that the both of you have different priorities. It doesn't make one person right and one person wrong. Of course though whatever way you want to live your life is whatever a person sees as the "right way." Just remember there's no absolute right way for anybody.

[Wizardwoman]

I hear ya. I think a lot of posters overreacted and gave you a hard time. It's not jealousy or being a busybody for noticing your friends' unhealthy relationship dynamics! Being a friend to me, means that you can be real. That means you're not afraid to address concerns with them!

 

This "mind your own business" mindset is fine for acquaintances and coworkers, but my close friends? No way! The people I care about, I will call them out if I think they're doing something shady - I will tell them if they have spinach in their teeth - and I absolutely will talk to them if I'm worried about them! That's what you do for people you love! If they're having a rough time you notice and offer to help, not look away to be "polite"!

 

I completely agree. I know most of the replies were giving me a hard time but I disagree with most of them because she is my CLOSEST friend. She isn't just a friend. Idk the more I post on here the more it seems like a lot of the people have a stick up their butt and are unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Thank you for your advice.

[mhowe]

Now, now, no need for name calling just because most people disagree with you.

 

I completely agree. I know most of the replies were giving me a hard time but I disagree with most of them because she is my CLOSEST friend. She isn't just a friend. Idk the more I post on here the more it seems like a lot of the people have a stick up their butt and are unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Thank you for your advice.

[Seraphim]

I am not at all unhappy or unhappy with my life. I just think there's no one way to run your life. Everybody has to find their own way that makes them happy. It is actually quite common when you find the person you want to be with that your friends take a lesser role in your life.

[superfan]

OK, I can see this from both perspectives. I had TWO friends whose husbands I did not trust. One, I thought was being WAY too controlling (wouldn't let her wear certain clothes, wouldn't let her go out with her friends, etc.) and he soon turned abusive. I tried to say something abuot it but she got very angry with me and made it clear she would not talk to me again if I continued so I stopped. Eventually she clued in when he started hitting her and I helped her leave. My other friend's husband I suspected of being a pedophile, but I had no proof and did not want to make a false accusation for something so serious. Turned out I was right again and she is now divorced and single with three kids and he (thankfully) is in jail.

 

Bottom line, if your gut is telling you something there is a chance you might be right but if your friend doesn't want to hear it she won't. All you can do is be there for her if the situation is unhealthy. If not, maybe the friendship is running its course...

[Batya33]

I completely agree. I know most of the replies were giving me a hard time but I disagree with most of them because she is my CLOSEST friend. She isn't just a friend. Idk the more I post on here the more it seems like a lot of the people have a stick up their butt and are unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Thank you for your advice.

 

If she's a close friend then you'll respect that she doesn't need your unsolicited advice and doesn't need to conduct her romantic relationship and social life the same way you would.