Ranting to Your Partner - Yes or No?

[jenny_mcs]

Honestly, I would not be able to deal with anyone ranting several times per week about random stuff (someone owes me a dollar, the washing machine's broken, etc). Dealing with little things like that is a part of life. There are always going to be small annoyances. I wouldn't want to have chunks of my time (when I want to be relaxing) eaten up by someone losing it over such things.

 

Also- I just took looked at your previous posts. Here are the people who have annoyed/aggravated you so much you had to start a thread about them (and this is just within your last 10 or so threads): your mother, your professor from study abroad, your academic adviser, your boyfriend, your boyfriend's mother

 

It sounds like you are very easily angered and annoyed. Instead of blaming your bf for not listening to your anger and complaints....maybe you should invest some time and effort into dealing with negative emotions in a better way.

[sara-pezzini]

Well, from what I read here this is your biggest issue. You EXPECT him to act the way you want, then you act out in anger towards him when he doesn't do what you assumed he should. Instead of running into the room and then pouting when he doesn't follow you in, why not just walk over and say "I could really use a hug right now".

i agree, men are not mind readers and often don't respond in the way you would like them to, if i am upset or whatever, i go up to my BF and tell him that i need a real big hug, and he obliges and that alone helps, no need to rant anymore....

the other way around, he is not able to express it when something is bothering him but i can usually tell, i then ask him if there is something wrong, mostly the answer is no because he wants to deal with it himself, so then i just let him, if he doesn't want to talk, ok, but i will just give him a big hug and tell him he looks like he needs one...

he has no problems listening to when there is something really going on and i need to talk, but just a rant for rant's sake about daily annoyances? no, i don't do that and he wouldn't like that either....

[FairyGodmother]

@Edmund Exley

 

Yes, you're right. Sometimes I forget he can't read my mind, but I do my best to be explicit with what I want! I supposed I will have to try harder in the future to remember that.

 

@shes2smart

 

I guess I didn't understand this difference in dynamic. In the future I will try to save my rants for my girl friends instead; hopefully that will diffuse the situation a fair amount!

 

@jenny_mcs

 

I am already seeking therapy for anger management. However, you know nothing about my life, so while your statement implies I was wrong to be angry at some of those people that is incorrect. I would also like to point out that your selection bias ignores the fact that I only post things that I feel relatively strongly about on ENA.

[penelope13]

There is a huge difference between sharing your daily events (including negative ones) with your partner and unloading your unfiltered and unprocessed emotions.

 

Everybody rants at times and might not want advice how to resolve the issue at hand, however it shouldn't be your standard mode of operation for dealing with your emotional reactions.

 

It sounds as if you just want to unload all your emotions on him and have him help you with the first round of processing and filtering. If he doesn't react in the manner you wish, you transfer your frustration and anger towards him. If this is how you react towards the trivialities of life, it's indeed a very negative way of communicating.

 

Why not try to learn how to deal with the initial onset of emotions by yourself first, thus when you talk to him about what occurred that day, the intensity of your emotions is already diminished?

 

There are multiple methods how to deal with your emotions first, including trying to calm down your breathing first, or using the pent up energy for something else (going for a jog, to the gym, tidying up something etc). Another possibility is to simply write out your vent. If you need the illusion of a conversation, make is in the form of a letter to someone. By the time you have typed it all out, the intensity of your emotions will already have ebbed down.

[Batya33]

I guess you could call my brother yelling at me and calling me a f*cking idiot small. Obviously we have different definitions of what is worthy of being consoled.

 

No I don't think that's it at all. It's about being more selective and perhaps if something like that happens simply say, calmly, "I need a hug, I had an upsetting conversation with my brother", then have your hug time, use it to take a deep breath and after that perhaps say something like "ok, tell me something good about your day" - that redirection and breathing is far healthier than getting yourself all worked up and subjecting your partner to all that negativity. IMO.

[jenny_mcs]

 

 

@jenny_mcs

 

I am already seeking therapy for anger management. However, you know nothing about my life, so while your statement implies I was wrong to be angry at some of those people that is incorrect. I would also like to point out that your selection bias ignores the fact that I only post things that I feel relatively strongly about on ENA.

 

Of course I don't know anything about your life, and I never implied you were "wrong" to be angry at those people. What I'm saying is that most people don't have an extensive list of people that they are angry at and a laundry list of people who have "wronged" them. I'm glad you're in therapy for your anger. I hope you consider penelope13's post- she has some good suggestions.

[pinkelephant]

I'm a pretty ranty person by nature. I process things by talking them out with my friends and family. It can be seen as being negative, which I'm not even going to try to dispute. Now, it occurred to me awhile ago (pretty recently), that while I can get upset that my friends/loved ones are not being supportive and loving when they don't listen to my ranting.... I gotta admit, it's a selfish line of thinking. It didn't occur to me that I was imposing on them by ranting all the time AND my actions were not supportive and loving TO THEM. Everybody has their problems and they're busy dealing with it. Why am I adding on to that load - and often?

 

Anyway, one of my friends is very very moody and is upset pretty much all the time. It causes people to care less and less. To the point now, if anything were to happen, nobody would care. The boy who cry wolf, you know?

[pinkelephant]

And to be honest, in the conversation you posted with your boyfriend, you sounded really abrasive to me. It would overwhelm me as well. I know you were upset and his response made it worse (I've been there lol), but the way BOTH of you communicated isn't constructive.

 

 

You can't get someone on your team by fighting them. You get them on your team by working with them.

 

On that note, I'd also like to add that I agree with a mfan about girls like to rant and men like to solve problems. I've had this frustrating experience with a lot of my boyfriends who just want to solve the problems I'm ranting about. When All I want to do was rant!

 

Think about what you would like as a response from him: Oh hun that sucks, etc.. and hopefully you both can work toward an exchange where you both can get fulfillment out of it.

[lavenderdove]

>>The point is that you thought they would be the only person who really cared that you were upset, and be supportive about it.

 

But the problem here is that your partner is not meant to be an emotional dumping ground. many young women in particular make this mistake, where they want to cry in their BF's lap like he's the Daddy and is supposed to make it all better or listen to extended (or frequent) rants until you wind yourself down.

 

How often is it acceptable to rant, and what are 'rant-worthy' topics? If you want to rant about how some woman at work that he's never met really irritates you (and you want to rant about her a lot), he might get really sick of that and want you to figure out a way to learn to get along wtih the woman rather than just rant about her all the time. So after a while, his attitude will be, don't rant about it, do something about it.

 

Many people don't realize how self involved and negative frequent ranting can feel to the people who must listen to your rant. And some people have more tolerance for ranting than others. So you need to negotiate with your BF what his comfort zone is in terms of listening to ranting. Petty ranting all the time can really annoy people, and you may not be aware how often you do it.

 

As an adult, i think you need to set your standard higher, as in working on venting your stress in other ways that don't involve expecting your BF to be a lightning rod for your stress. If your BF is the type of person who doesn't want to listen to a long rant and is more a person of 'action' rather than 'comforting', then you need to start trying to be a bit more action oriented and less venting oriented. Or if you feel you are the kind of person who needs to rant a lot (i.e., more than maybe once every couple weeks) you need to find a man who is more comfortable being a lightning rod for your stress/ranting.

[mfan]

I agree with PinkElephant about the abrasiveness of your communication. It's full of attacks and generalizations, which would raise the defenses of even the most patient listener. I recommend you take an assertiveness training course; in fact, I think assertiveness is a great skill (and sometimes a fun one!) for anyone. It would help you improve your communication skills and also it would help you to feel like less of a victim.

 

IMO, assertiveness training is like prevention whereas anger management is like being in the hospital -- it's the result of not having prevented the problem in the first place.

 

Here's what you said:

 

Me:

Why can't you just listen to me being upset, I need to vent and all you're telling me is to not to have a cow. You're not taking me seriously, and I'm irritated about something. If you're upset about something I would listen, and be like well that sucks. And that's it, not shush you.

 

I've highlighted the unassertive parts in red. See how much of a victim you're being? Your partner doesn't want anything to do with victims; he doesn't want to act like one himself, either.

 

A stronger statement would be something like:

I feel like you are not listening to me even though I'm upset, because I want to vent and all you're telling me is to not to have a cow. When I tell you about my issues and you don't respond to them or attempt to end the conversation, I feel like you're not taking me seriously. I feel irritated about something. If you're upset about something I would listen, and be like well that sucks. And that's it, not shush you. I'd like you to treat me in the same way.

 

I think the whole conversation would have gone in a different direction had you begun like this. Again, I recommend assertiveness training to everyone but in your case I think it would be especially helpful.

[ItRainsItPours]

OP ranting is not a pleasant thing to listen to from any partner. I have a semi-toxic work environment and would come home angry and rant to my girlfriend about it. She was patient and tried to comfort me but I could tell that it was wearing thin on her so I stopped. Your partner should be there to be supportive of real problems, but the little annoyances of life can be dealt with internally. Or you could just casually mention them and then let them go. It doesn't sound like you are looking for advice or affirmation but that you are engaging these negative emotions because anger is in a strange way satisfying.

 

I'll tell you my girlfriend complains sometimes and it drives me nuts. When she's actually upset then I'm all ears and try to be as empathetic as possible. But sometimes she complains about not having free time while being a fulltime student with no job. As someone who is a fulltime student and a fulltime job I have almost no patience for this. You said your boyfriend has health problems, it's quite possible that he finds some of the things that really get your goat trivial.

 

Also, to the both of you, I do not think it is a good idea for you to post threads about one another unless one of you deactivates their account. The point of ENA is to seek advice with complete anonymity and without fear of judgement. If you two are posting threads asking for advice the ensuing threads can cause one of you two to feel alienated. Especially if the majority of posters side with the OP.

[Batya33]

It also helps if you try to come up with a lighthearted/funny way to describe the annoyance - and then that becomes the habit.