Need some input, boyfriends anger issues, circumstantial or part of him?

[oitnb]

So, if you've read any of my previous threads you'll know my mom has caused way to many issues in my life, so many to list it's slightly embarrassing. To sum it up, she has stolen dozens of times from my bf & I, and recently stole our rent money (688 dollars) so we've been pretty broke for a month because of it.

 

Anywaysss, ever since these issue have happened he's had bit of a short fuse. Scratch that, a REALLY short fuse lol. He doesn't get mad over stupid stuff, but when he does get mad, he gets MAD. Always raises his voice and curses.

 

He was a bit fiery when we first started dating, but nothing compared to now and nothing I would consider out of the normal range. He's Italian, so it's kinda part of him and its what actually attracted me to him. (That fiery Italian temper lol)

 

But lately it's been too much. If I say anything "attitudey" he raises his voice, so I just shut down / and or cry because I refuse to communicate with someone who doesn't have the respect to talk to me in a normal tone.

 

I've been thinking though, I don't think him being this short tempered is really HIM. I think it's a combination of stress from money problems (caused by my mom) and honestly, probably some resentment towards me. She is MY mother, after all.

 

I'm thinking once our living and money situation is straightened out, he will be fine again. Especially since he wasn't like this when we first dated and my mom wasnt in the picture. Thoughts?

[rosephase]

Have you talked to him about it when he's not upset? Sometimes people don't realizes they are communicating in a scary or unhealthy way. If you let him know that it's something that get in the way of you hearing him (as you said you shut down and cry) and that if he could work on expressing his anger less and explaining it more, you could work on what ever it is that bothers him about you being "attitudey" (probably feelings about lack of respect). Be ready to listen to him and see how it goes.

[oitnb]

Have you talked to him about it when he's not upset? Sometimes people don't realizes they are communicating in a scary or unhealthy way. If you let him know that it's something that get in the way of you hearing him (as you said you shut down and cry) and that if he could work on expressing his anger less and explaining it more, you could work on what ever it is that bothers him about you being "attitudey" (probably feelings about lack of respect). Be ready to listen to him and see how it goes.

 

I've tried to talk to him, but lately (emphasis on lately, as I said he's only been like this recently) he's the type of person who there is no talking to when he's upset. When he's upset, in his mind, he's always right. It's best to talk to him about it once he's calmed down. And yes, I think my attitude mostly stems from feeling disrespected, my pet peeve is when people raise there voice. It makes me shut down.

[mhowe]

Then maybe you shouldn't be dating an Italian!!

 

I have only raised my voice 2x in a 4 yr relationship -- and because it is rare, and because his mother did it all the time, my bf shuts down. I have accepted his "history" and learned to walk out of the room before I lose it. My family was about silence ---so I hate it.

 

Your pet peeve is your pet peeve. If he grew up with it, to him it is normal. You need to figure it out and work around it.

[oitnb]

Then maybe you shouldn't be dating an Italian!!

 

I have only raised my voice 2x in a 4 yr relationship -- and because it is rare, and because his mother did it all the time, my bf shuts down. I have accepted his "history" and learned to walk out of the room before I lose it. My family was about silence ---so I hate it.

 

Your pet peeve is your pet peeve. If he grew up with it, to him it is normal. You need to figure it out and work around it.

 

I think you misunderstood me a bit. By "fiery" I mean, he was very passionate about things he believed in and whatnot, like moral things. Things that matter. As of lately, he'll flip a switch if I disagree on how to do laundry, and things of that sort. I worded my op strangely, my apologies.

[abitbroken]

Okay, first of all I was in his shoes and my boyfriend's mother had access to steal our rent money, etc, I would darn well have a short fuse. I would highly doubt that mom broke in through the window as a cat burglar and swindled us. I would have my suspicions that my partner would have given too much access to his finances to mom.

 

I think what you should do is not focus on his temper right now - you are throwing the core issue at him instead of dealing with why he is upset - he feels violated and rightfully could press charges - but fixing this issue. I would be so livid everyone would have to walk on eggshells around me. You need to close down access to mom if she has access to your accounts for whatever reason. If she takes things when she is over - then she doesn't come over. And if she does not give you the money back, charges COULD be filed. You need to take action here as the daughter of the mother.

 

Yes, maybe after you do your best to make an effort to fix this and when this blows over, you can talk to him rationally. Have the agreement that it is okay if he rants and raves, but you will remove yourself from the room and go do something else until he cools down and wants to talk. (but sometimes venting to vent happens) Or that he goes for a walk. Whatever it is. Don't cry. don't beg. Just agree ahead of time that if he gets too vocal that as long as he is just being boisterous and not calling you names, etc, that you will just deal with it by allowing him to vent or that you will remove yourself or he removes himself until he calms down.

 

Anyway - in summary - do not just roll over for mom.

[oitnb]

My mother was living with us for a few months, that's how she had access to all these things. And it was 100% his decision to let her move in, he actually kinda talked ME into it, because he felt bad for her.

 

And yes, I've cut all contact with my mom, we kicked her out, and i told her I would never have a relationship with her again until she goes to rehab. (She has a drug issue, hence the stealing)

 

So I guess now it's just time to wait for it all to blow over. He's put up with alot for me, I often feel guilty for it, but it sucks because none of it has been directly because of MY actions. They've been because of my family's actions.