Best friend's ex... What to do...

[musiclover]

Hello all you wonderful and lovely people of ENA! Gosh it feels like forever and a day since I last posted on this forum. Then again, I hadn't had the need lately to get your more than amazing advice... until now.

 

So here's the situation. I think I'm falling for my friend's ex. The two of them met about 8 months ago. The three of us spent a lot of time together and even she and I spent time together when my friend wasn't around. Although at the time I never had any feelings for her because I didn't see her in that light and she was my friend's girl ( I don't cross those lines). Well their relationship was a s*#t show. Constantly breaking up, he would bad mouth her to no end telling everyone we knew that she was bi polar and crazy and blah, blah, blah. Now I know her quite well and I can confirm that this is the farthest thing from the truth. If anything, he drove her crazy because he was being a p&*@k.

 

So they broke up about 1.5 months ago and he has done nothing but talk trash and try and sleep with any other girl he can. Fast forward to this past weekend. Another close friend of mine wanted to take me out to an event in my city for my birthday. Coincidentally, the lady in question also got in touch with me that morning asking if she could take me out for my bday. So I asked if she wanted to come along. Again, no intentions at this point as I have always seen her as a friend. So she came with us and her and I had a blast. Not seeing her for awhile made me forget how amazing she is. But again, I am a loyal friend and would not cross that line. So a picture of us was taken, and apparently my crazy friend has been stalking her on facebook. He saw a picture of us together at the event and snapped. He started msging me telling me how worthless of a friend I am, that he knows I've been sleeping with her for months and that our friendship is over and he wants me to move out right away. I tried to explain the situtation to him, but he wasn't having any of it. To be honest, I think he's finally gone off the deep end. I mean to throw away a 9 year friendship over a picture on facebook is pretty crazy. He even called her and demanded that she stop hanging out with me. Mind you, I also found out from our other roommate that he had another girl over when he was talking to her.

 

After all this, I really have no intention of trying to fix his and my relationship. I refuse to be friends with someone that will only contribute to the relationship if its on their own terms. I'm not mad at him for any of it, as I know he's not in a good place in life right now. I've watched him become a manic depressive over the last few months and so far there is nothing I've been able to do. I've even encouraged him (VERY softly) to go talk to someone, but he doesn't want to hear it because in his mind, he's perfect and can do no wrong.

 

Anyway, so back to the lady in question. After having an amazing time with her and all the crap that's come out of it, I think I am starting to have feelings for her. She fantastic and her and I vibe really well together. I can tell by the looks she gives me that she is toying with the idea too. At this point, I have no intention to ever speak with my friend again until he comes back and apologizes. We have both told him that we will not stop talking to each other just because of his insecurities and that if he wants to be friends with either of us, he needs to accept that it is what it is.

 

I guess my question is, now that he's officially killed our friendship can I pursue something with the lovely lady? Aside from any feelings I may be having, I think we would be really good for one another just based on the type of people we are. What do you think ENA fam? Do I loose both, or do I try and make the best out of a bad situation.

 

One love to you all

[Bunney]

I dunno..I've always considered dating friend's exes a no-no, no matter how crappy their relationship was. So even though he was a jerk to her etc, I kind of understand that he feels somewhat 'betrayed' by you starting to hang out with her.

 

Maybe when he has calmed down you can have a mature conversation about all of this, and come to some kind of solution.

[Edmund Exley]

If your friendship with him is killed you are under no obligation to not cross the boundary. But just know that if the friendship is truly dead, this will be driving the nail in the coffin.

[Kendahke]

Did you sign a lease where you live?

 

yeah, going out with his ex wasn't a good move--getting your picture taken with her was an even worse move, if your friend means anything to you. I guess he really doesn't.

[tattoobunnie]

You totally broke BRO code! Your friend had ever right to be pissed. If you want to no longer ever be friends again, go ahead, and ask the girl out - just keep in mind, you don't stay friends with your buddies exes for a reason. You did betray him, and all the more behind his back. Obviously, you want things on your terms.

[brokenhearted1]

I would feel really betrayed if I was your friend. I had a female friend who use to do stuff like that to me, and it really hurt. Maybe your friend having all these girls around, and the trash talking is his way of coping.

 

You said he was throwing away a 9 year friendship, but come on...it's really you who is doing that. And this chick might only last for you for...three months or who knows. Do you REALLY want to throw away the friendship?

 

Put yourself in his spot, how would you feel?

[brokenhearted1]

My best friend is a straight man...even if he became friends with one of my exes...I'd be so ticked...

[roger8roger]

It will end the friendship for sure.

That said, if you are in love....follow your heart.

[missmarple]

It depends on how much you value your friendship with that guy. If you're positive that you won't continue being friends with him, I see nothing wrong with dating that girl. However, that being said, if there's a chance you and your friend will patch things up at some point, dating his ex will always be between you two. I would go very slowly with this situation..because, no matter how big issues your friend has (and seems like he does have big issues), you've been friends for 9 years and long term friendships don't come along very often. Unless you're truly, madly, deeply in love with the girl that is. If that's the case, pursue it. But if not, is it really worth it?

[Edmund Exley]

I don't think a lot of you read the whole story from the OP. He said the friendship is dead and he has no intention in fixing it.

[tattoobunnie]

I read the whole story - but the understanding that he was the one that destroyed it by breaking bro code totally went over his head.

 

It's one thing if he had mentioned to his buddy, "hey, your ex asked me about celebrating my birthday together - are you cool with that?" But no - instead, the buddy found out through FB and was publicly humiliated.

 

A lot of friendships could be preserved if you are accountable, if you can't avoid being shady.

[Edmund Exley]

I read the whole story - but the understanding that he was the one that destroyed it by breaking bro code totally went over his head.

 

It's one thing if he had mentioned to his buddy, "hey, your ex asked me about celebrating my birthday together - are you cool with that?" But no - instead, the buddy found out through FB and was publicly humiliated.

 

A lot of friendships could be preserved if you are accountable, if you can't avoid being shady.

 

Doesn't matter who destroyed it. Its dead. No need to point the finger at him.

[musiclover]

Thank you all for your responses. From what I'm seeing, there is a general consensus that I should leave things where they lie. I will admit that it was a mistake to hang out with her, however when they initially broke up, my friend was the one to ask me to drop off her things she left at the house and not to mention her again. I had thought about telling him that we were going to the event together, however remembering he had asked me not to mention her, I thought it best that I didn't tell him.

 

With that said, Edmund is correct. The damage has been done and from the way the situation was handled by him, I really have no intention in reconciling. I've seen him do this type of thing in the past to people and they would have to come back to him on his terms in order for him to accept them again. I don't see that as something worth going back to.

 

So for those of you following this thread, I will let all things be. Live and let die, right? If there is anything further to happen with my relationship with either of them, I will let the universe decide when and where those things will occur. Although it was painful to read some of your responses ( it really was just a mistake on my part and not an intentional act of betrayal), I do get your point. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the a$$ to learn a lesson. I will take from this what I can and move forward. Again, I appreciate all of your responses and honesty.

[StayTrueToYou]

You really gotta ask yourself... if it wasn't for the girl, would you guys still be friends? He is spiraling downward... you said it yourself. Isn't this the time that you should be there for him? After 9 years of friendship, you should take some responsibility for what happened. I don't know the details of the break-up, but maybe he was bad mouthing her because he didn't take the break-up well. Regardless, seeing her in a picture with you (justifiably so) probably enraged him. I am sure if the tables were turned, you would have acted in a similar fashion. With that said, he clearly does have some anger issues based on your side of the story - but instead of disowning him as a friend because you didn't like his reaction, maybe you should just wait it out so you don't actually turn into the bad guy in this situation.

 

Just to settle this dispute of the bro code.... Rule #28 states that if your buddy was with her first, you still can be too - but he has to give you his blessing. If he does not give you his blessing, its a no go. Whether you guys are still friends or not is irrelevant in regards to the code - because I am under the assumption that the girl has to do a lot with the rift between you guys to begin with. I know you say you have no intention of mending things with your buddy, but I think you should seriously reconsider that. I don't know if you are a believer in karma like I am, but I would tread lightly... Can't trust a dude who breaks one of the most sacred rules of the bro code.

[Edmund Exley]

Please provide actual written proof of the "Bro Code"

 

While I agree there is indeed honor amongst guys that prohibits this, his buddy sounds like a real drama queen. I agree with your point about shoulda asked first, but from what he said it was a picture in a group of friends, not a date. The buddy then flew off the handle like an upset 3rd grade girl scout and started calling every one names.

 

If I were the friend I would have been like "Dude, you want her go ahead. You were warned"

[brokenhearted1]

I don't think a lot of you read the whole story from the OP. He said the friendship is dead and he has no intention in fixing it.

I read that part, but he also stated that it was his friend's fault, and isn't seeing why what he did was wrong.

 

It's also disturbing that the OP stated his friend has become manic depressive and is bailing on the friendship...and then dating the dude's ex.

[StayTrueToYou]

link removed

 

See Rule 28. Haha.

 

You are right though, Ed... the dude did act like an upset little girl. Just remember, there are always two sides to every story and we don't know exactly what went down. Regardless though, the bro code makes it very very clear that he has the right to act as irrational and girly and whiny and douche-like as he wants. The whole point is that a bro is supposed to respect and adhere to another bros wishes regarding his ex.

[StayTrueToYou]

And just FYI... if you actually do look at that link... I was even very liberal in my interpretation of the rule.

[Edmund Exley]

Rule #1 of the Bro Code I grew up with with my boys - You never have the right to act irrational and girly. Always man up.

[StayTrueToYou]

Yeah... well... thats just simply being a man. Not a part of the "bro-code" technically.

[brokenhearted1]

The chick is homey hopping too...and that's just not cool...

[Kendahke]

Thank you all for your responses. From what I'm seeing, there is a general consensus that I should leave things where they lie. I will admit that it was a mistake to hang out with her, however when they initially broke up, my friend was the one to ask me to drop off her things she left at the house and not to mention her again.

 

yeah, but he didn't say "you've got my blessing to go chase after her..." and quite frankly, he shouldn't have had to say that to his boy.

 

I had thought about telling him that we were going to the event together, however remembering he had asked me not to mention her, I thought it best that I didn't tell him.

 

You should have owned up to it before he found out otherwise what you were doing behind his back. He was owed that much respect.

 

it really was just a mistake on my part and not an intentional act of betrayal

 

Dude--that is the fundamental law of friendship: you don't go after your best friend's ex and even if you are so selfish that you're going to do it anyway, own up to it before they find out--and they will! Everyone under 30 has a cell phone, everyone is on social media, pictures get taken and posted and passed around. This isn't like it's 1989 when even though one could take a picture, there was no way to instantly disseminate it accross the phone lines in seconds.