22 day of NC: wishing myself a fast and painless death

[PrettyGood]

My ex boyfriend of 7 months (the serious and the perfect one I was living with) broke up with me 22 days ago by confessing me that he was spending all this time with me because of convenience and not because he loved me. He said that love has disappeared at the time we started living together induced by my monotonic lifestyle, busy work-at-home schedule (he always went to sleep alone and I was still working) and the fact that not only his friends saw nothing interesting in my personality, but all of his family wished him to break up with me sooner because I wasn't the type they imagine in their circle (financially poor and totally dependent on him). He was living with me, hearing all those negative words about me from his family members, as well as wishing to know the painless way to break up with me and not to break my heart into pieces (emotionally I was head over heels for him and he was everything to me).

 

The moment he confessed all the truth by saying "I don't want to waste your time any longer, I'm sure you will find a guy much better than me who will make you very happy." I packed all my stuff and left his house without him stopping me (he was watching TV and saw me crying while leaving). I had to carry so much items to the bus station and he didn't even helped me, just locked the doors behind as I was in the other side of the house doors. Two hours later (it was a late night) he started messaging me if I reached home safely. I replied I'm still not at home and I didn't informed him when I returned. I was in deep shock, stoned and a week after he wrote me another message asking to remain friends. I couldn't. I wasn't eating, I wasn't drinking anything, I've lost a lot of weight during this self-starving week and I was crying all day long. I begged him by writing long messages to change his mind - nothing worked. He just didn't wanted me in his life any longer.

 

Now it's the 22nd day of NC post break up. I have parents and friends who have their own lives and just can't spend several minutes to listen to my heartache. I just can't handle being that lonely any longer. I'm 29, I really hoped this guy will be the last one in my life (he was so serious by planning our marriage, future children and future together). I considered his home - my home. It was new house and no other women besides me lived there. I considered his bed - my bed. I considered him my one and only man higher than my own parents and friends who couldn't find a moment for me. Now I just can't carry on this loneliness and desperation. First time in my life I really want to die to make him feel at least guilt by knowing how serious I was about him. I never thought I could commit suicide for any man. Now I really think of it.

 

Every night I fall asleep, I start dreaming him with some kind of pregnant woman and still rejecting me. It's unbearable. I wake up crying very early and can't fall asleep. I take herbal medicine to stop the anxiety attacks which are provoked by thoughts that I'm 29 years old, alone, doesn't have children (which I really want so much for several years!), doesn't even have a loving man. All I have is a newly created company which should be my salvation but it's also doesn't bring me any profit, so I barely can pay for my food (not talking about living with parents because I can't pay for rent). All I think - that all men wants women who doesn't want family, just sex and entertainments. I tried to deny this thought by registering myself to the dating site - I really want to much to meet someone to love me the way I am, to date, to take care of someone, to give my heart and soul, not waiting for another years to pass by in loneliness and desperation. This way I've found two guys. They think I'm perfect, the only thing is that one of them is not grown up enough to think of the family (even though he's 33y.o.) and another man is 29 y.o. but could be my hugest possible love in my life (he's the reflection of myself), but lives 98 km away from me. I have no idea any longer if I have a will to start something new in another city (as before!) again. It's even smaller city and I could work from anywhere I want; however, I'm so scared it may break into pieces the moment I put all my love in trust in him.

 

Next week I should meet both guys and I really want it so much. However, today I've just started thinking of suicide. I just don't know if I could bear another break up with some other loving man. I want family, I want children and I have nothing material to suggest for anyone but my inner deep love and attachment. My weight is still decreasing and now I'm at the edge of being an anorexic woman. I just don't see any sense of continuing my life any longer without love from a man, my family members, my friends, without having children. I'm afraid that I will not attain the day I will be happy again.

[annie24]

hi - i am so sorry you are going through this. i really think you should talk to a doctor or therapist. yes, i understand that you want to be a wife and mother, but you can't make this guy or any guy the center of your life. you have to keep yourself grounded and find meaning in your life. that's going to be a much healthier way to approach future relationships. big hugs

[Ironman3]

It's going to be alright... Dont know what else to say.

 

Hugs...

[SooSad33]

You are NOT ready for any more MEN in your Life! Look at all you just said. You are 'Heartbroken', you're a mess, you're hurt & confused. LAST thing you need is another Relationship.. sorry to say. ( And if you were to go there, it'd be like a 'Rebound relationship'. Again, nothing but a confused mess. And what you don't need!).

You need to work on YOU right now. You need to 'heal' and get yourself a lot more stable and reassured. You can NOT expect anyone else to make you 'feel whole' either. That has to come from YOU and your own ;peace of mind;.

See what I'm saying?

Of course you're all broken up from the hurt & pain.. not eating..tears etc. Same thing I'm going through right now and i've had this for 3 months. Lost a 5 yr relationship. Very painful

So- I DO understand how it feels. and I can tell you right now, the LAST thing I want or need is another relationship after what i've just lost.

I will be dealing with this on my own and some therapy for the next few months until I feel a lot better than this!

I suggest you do the same. Expect your feelings/moods to be up and down for a while and if things are really bad? Go see a dr for something maybe 'depression'? I have something as well right now.

Either way, do NOT go looking for another man to 'fill that empy void'. NO, you need to STOP all of that and take care of YOU, okay?

One day at a time.. Tc

[SooSad33]

What will also help is a cpl good friends.. confidants. or just hang out here. There's so many hurting same as you here. We DO understand.

What you don't need tho, is another relationship.

[PrettyGood]

Thank you so much for all of your support. At this moment I think that it's just better to get some advice from the internet if my closes people can't provide it. I think I've broken up emotionally and physically mainly because 1 year ago (3 months before meeting this ex) my grandmother died and I couldn't take part in her funerals because I was abroad studying and didn't have money to travel back and forth. It was very unexpected so I felt like it was some kind of betrayal. Then I met him and he knew all of my weakest points and moments. I gave all my heart to him and for the first 3 months he was in heaven. However, now since he broke up with me, I just felt like my old pain, grief and wounds were torn off and opened to bleed again. Maybe that's why it's much more difficult emotionally to take care of myself than ever before.

[JulianaF57]

I know sometimes we don't want to show people our weakest, neediest sides, but I think you do need to be around people who know you and love you: your family and friends. And btw, you are panicking way too early. There is lots of time for you to meet someone and have a child with them. I think this guy is more than a little cold-hearted. Anyone who leaves the tv on while they break up with you is a jerk par excellence. Be glad he's gone. I think you should treat yourself with some care and concern right now, and make sure you eat something and get some sleep. I'm sorry this man really had you fooled. But he wasn't the love of your life. Build up yourself a little bit, so that your life is about you. It is possible to fall in love again. Stay away from this loser and someone better will find you.