Quick question about ending non-exclusive dating situation

[potd2009]

I've been non-exclusively dating guys A and B (under one month in both cases). Both are quite interested in me. Things are moving forward so well with guy A, though, that I want to focus exclusively on that situation. (We haven't had the exclusivity talk, and therefore I'd be fine with it if A was seeing other people, although I strongly don't think he is. But based on the facts that I'm developing feelings for A (but not B); I'm more attracted to A than B; I personally prefer not to be kissing two people at the same time if possible; and I don't have enough time to keep dating both, as our dates are getting longer and more serious, I'd like to end things with B and just date A. And this would still be my preference even if I learned A was dating someone else in addition to me.)

 

Here's the question - would it be kinder to tell B simply that I'm not feeling a strong romantic connection and end things that way, without mentioning A? Or is it kinder to say that things have intensified with someone else, and I need to focus on that situation going forward? I realize (having been on the other side of it) that neither form of rejection is particularly pleasant, but if people uniformly feel that one approach is better, I'd prefer to use that. From past experiences, I think I personally prefer to be told that the other person has simply met someone with whom they feel a stronger connection than simply that they aren't feeling any romantic chemistry with me. Somehow, "I met someone else" feels like it's less about me than "I'm not feeling much chemistry with you." But I wanted to see whether others feel this way, too, before having this conversation.

[pl3asehelp]

I always prefer the truth.

[iam42]

^^^ agreed. also, it feels more resolutely concluded to know the person has found someone s/he believes is better for him/her. and there's integrity and bravery in telling the simple truth.

[Jennifer89]

Tell the truth, your other explanation seems wishy-washy, though partially true it will be harder for B to understand.

[annie24]

yeah, i'd tell him that things are getting stronger with A so you want to focus on that.

 

however...... i might consider putting that off if you aren't sure that A feels strongly about you. if you want to give B a chance, you might want to keep him "in the rotation" but only see him once a week....? just something to consider....

[Snow Bird]

I don't think it's necessary to mention guy A to guy B when you tell him you don't feel any special connection. If he asks you if you met someone you like better, then tell him yes. But I wouldn't mention guy A to him at the get go. It's not his business who you like more, just that you don't want to continue with him. It's not like he was your boyfriend and you had emotional investment in him.

[potd2009]

yeah, i'd tell him that things are getting stronger with A so you want to focus on that.

 

however...... i might consider putting that off if you aren't sure that A feels strongly about you. if you want to give B a chance, you might want to keep him "in the rotation" but only see him once a week....? just something to consider....

 

Thanks, all. This is really helpful. As for A...I actually am very sure that he feels strongly about me and is completely interested; he's been very open about how he feels, both emotionally and physical attraction-wise, and his actions have wholly matched his words. I'm actually a bit flummoxed by the situation with A because I don't understand how things can be going so well - it's never happened before. As I shared with a friend this morning - I'm attracted to him, he's attracted to me, we both feel a strong sense of chemistry, we're both good communicators, we're looking for generally compatible things relationship-wise, we're both considerate of each other and immediately defaulted to egalitarian in our dating approach (from organically trading off who picks up the checks to alternating who drives to see the other (we live 45 minutes apart), we can talk for hours but also enjoy comfortable silences, we each enjoy the activities the other suggests, we share a similar sense of humor, we're well-matched intellectually/academically ... where's the darn catch?! I'm used to there being an "I like him, BUT I'm not sure about..." within the first couple of dates and persisting through the end of each of my prior relationships - and while perhaps the "but" will emerge in time, I'm excited but downright flummoxed to be, for now, dating without a "but". And right now, amidst this genuine, mutually-felt excitement with A, if I kept seeing B, it would be using him as a backup plan/clearcut second choice, which feels a bit too unfair. I've been in at least one other situation where I strongly suspect I was (at most) a backup plan, and it was no fun at all. I don't want to put someone else in that situation if I can help it.

 

ETA crossposted with Snow Bird

[annie24]

yeah, i would just tell B that you met someone that you've really hit it off with and you want to see where it goes. i've heard that before, and honestly, it feels nicer than, "i don't feel the chemistry with you."

[nutbrownhare]

Yep - just be honest. B may not be that emotionally invested either, but the truth will stop him sitting and wondering where he went wrong.

 

However - this is just a thought - if, in your previous relationships, you were looking for a 'but', this may have kept you feeling safe and not quite so vulnerable because you had a justification for not being fully emotionally invested. You might, just might, not have experienced this with A because the relationship with B stopped you from being fully emotionally invested - and therefore safe. So don't be surprised if the 'but' comes up once you're securely with him and not dating anyone else. Don't let it bother you if it does; if there were any major red flags I'm sure you'd have spotted them by now.

 

On the other hand, I could be totally wrong and this guy is the one for you. Let's hope so!

[Ms Darcy]

Agree with Annie.

 

Although, I would caution you not to read too much into things with A as you have only been dating for a month (or less).

[potd2009]

I hear ya, and thanks for the words of wisdom. To be clear, in two of my previous relationships, I DID become fully emotionally invested despite some pretty clearcut "buts" and was devastated when those relationships ended. While I'm not very quick to fall in love, I'm definitely emotionally available to become that involved, and I have been in love twice before. Here, I don't think that B has kept me from being fully emotionally invested with A - particularly because as things heated up with A over the past couple of weeks, B was actually out of town on an international trip. He stayed in constant touch, though, and contacted me wanting to resume as soon as he got back - and that helped me to clarify that I wanted to move forward with A but not with B.

 

Should the "but" arise once B is out of the picture, I'll keep your wise thoughts in mind re: not freaking out and working through any non-red flag issues. Fingers crossed that things continue to go well!

[potd2009]

Agree with Annie.

 

Although, I would caution you not to read too much into things with A as you have only been dating for a month (or less).

 

Also a good point. I do keep reminding myself that things are very new and anything could happen (including things ending suddenly), so that's always a bit nervewracking. But it's hard not to feel at least a little excitement when things are going well and just ... feel easy for now.

[annie24]

Also a good point. I do keep reminding myself that things are very new and anything could happen (including things ending suddenly), so that's always a bit nervewracking. But it's hard not to feel at least a little excitement when things are going well and just ... feel easy for now.

 

that's awesome. i hope it keeps going well. i think our words of caution come from personal experiences, and experiences of others on this forum where things were going perfectly, until the other person just said, "uh, nevermind...."

 

of course, there are no guarantees in life and love and that's what makes it so exciting and nervewracking!!

 

a few years ago, my friend was corresponding with several men on match. then her ex asked her for a second chance. she told all of the guys that she was going to try again with her ex, but if that didn't work out, she'd be back on match and would give them a call! amazingly enough, all of the men responded positively to that! things didn't work out with her ex, and she wound up marrying one of her 'backup plans' lol.

[potd2009]

Totally, and I appreciate the words of caution. I've racked up enough dating experience at this point to have dealt with things ending suddenly ... and to have been the one to (from the other person's perspective) end things suddenly, so I fully appreciate where you guys are coming from. But at the same time, you only get one beginning to any (possible) relationship, so you want to enjoy the good stuff, not to spend your time wholly on pins and needles waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you. It's a tricky balance to strike: savoring the good while understanding that it could end suddenly at any time without explanation. I think, though, that after (1) falling in love, going through heartbreak, and recovering; and (2) going through the lesser disappointment of getting excited about the wrong love interest and having things end after a few weeks, my take on it is this. If things don't work out in the first few weeks/couple of months before becoming exclusive, I will be sad, maybe very sad ... and then it will be okay ... and then there will be someone else. Having that sense of perspective is helpful, whereas in my first couple of relationships, the endings seemed like the end of the world.

 

As for your friend, that makes perfect sense to me if she wasn't already dating the men. I once had an OKC date scheduled with someone who cancelled on me the night before. He explained that things were going so well with someone he'd already been seeing that he wanted to focus only on that situation, but (if I was okay with this) he would contact me if things didn't work out with her. I was absolutely fine with that: since things hadn't gotten started between us at all/we'd never met, I didn't feel he was picking her over me or rejecting me. If, on the other hand, we'd been out four or five times and he said this, I would probably have declined to be his backup plan.

[annie24]

i understand! i hope it continues to go well for you and this guy! fingers crossed!!!

[potd2009]

Classy response from B - just said good luck and wished me all the best. I think the majority consensus to be honest about the existence of A was the right one. And whether or not things with A end up where I might hope (they're still looking great for now), it was definitely the right call not to keep both situations alive for now (I can't balance two guys both interested in working towards a serious relationship with working late into the night, training for an upcoming athletic competition, and seeing my friends.) If things don't work out with A, I'll just have to move on to a hypothetical C in future. Thanks again for the advice, all.

[lizmed34]

I think you should just tell him the truth. You met someone else. after all rejection isn't good but im sure he will appreciate the truth, get over it, and move on.