I dont know what to do with myself!! PLEASE READ THIS.!!!

[Sophia_Jane]

I am having a hard time in general in my life and my boyfriend of 4 years has said he has had enough- He tried to end the relationship with me yesterday. There was a lot of crying. But now it seems like he hasnt made up his mind properly and wants us to talk tonight. I asked him whether he sees any hope but he wont say anything. i just feel liek its being dragged on and I dont want to keep him in the relationship if he doesnt want to. But I will do whatever it takes to make it work- even counselling.

 

When I say this he just says I respect your sincerity!?!? What does that mean..

 

I feel lost, low , depressed I cant think - i dotn want to eat I feel liek I am in a state of limbo...I cant stop crying - my stomach hurts..

 

I just want to email him at work and just say lets not meet if you see no future.. He kissed me good bye today on his way to work and let me hold his hand. Does this mean that its definatly not over yet?? Whats goign on!!!

 

PLEASE HELP!!!

[Foz]

im not too sure what is going on but i think the best thing to do is to meet him and talk it out with him, find out what are his fears and whether you can work through them and then take it from there.

 

Keep us posted..

[arwen]

Hey sophia,

 

I think your boyfriend is very confused at this point. I understand your feelings, they make you wanna jump out of your skin, you just don't know what to do.

 

Your boyfriend is giving you signs that he is not happy in the relationship, which can either mean he breaks up or something major needs to change. Each relationship develops patterns over time. Sometimes these are negative patterns, and those are very difficult to change. Remember that if you stay together, it will be a task for both of you to prevent that the same pattern occurs again. Because then, after a few months you will be having the same discussion again.

 

I wouldn't email him. I see that it's early in the morning here on enotalone.com (I am in Europe, so here it's almost 4 PM), and you will have a hard and long day waiting for him. He might need the day to figure things out, contacting him now will only push his buttons at this point.

 

I have been through this with my longterm ex a few times. We keep loving each other so much, but it just doesn't work. Try to use this day to figure out what YOU want, instead of trying to guess what he's thinking.

 

Do something nice for yourself, like shopping or taking a long bath. Hang out with girls and keep venting when you need.

 

I hope for you things will turn out fine. Remember that you cannot force someone to be in a relationship with you. I have tried that in the past and I only ended up more hurt than before. Set him free, and don't manipulate him. Even if this means a (temporarily) break, I would try to avoid discussions in which you keep on begging and pleading.

 

Ilse.

[Sophia_Jane]

Okay I am thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to move out temporarily. Give us some space. We moved in togetehr within a few months and I think it was too fast.

 

Maybe the space would do us some good. Take it back to the dating stages again. I did mention it briefly and he said it was like takign a step back in the relationship - but maybe thats what we need..

 

I am here at home playing games and reading books to take my mind off things and I am thinking about what I want..

 

I do agree I need to be more independent. You see I was in a car accident and lost 2 fingers and I met him shortly after and he has helped me through my depression. Now I think I want him partly half cus I love him and teh other half because I need him. Maybe me moving out will help me figure this out.

 

I love him so much - just breaking up would be a bad idea- too much to handle. He says he loves me and still is in love with me - so surely that is worth holding on to...Maybe if we still decide to get married we can move in together later on down the road..

 

SO maybe moving out is the answer. I am a student and dotn work though and it will be very difficult to do this...

[catgirl82]

right now, the both of you seem very confused and scared. i have been through what youre going through to some extent- and usually, taking some time apart from eachother is all we need to realize how much we love eachother. its a little harder in your situation because you live together. however, if i were you i wouldnt be too stressed out yet about moving out, this is just making you feel so much worse. take it one step at a time. you need to talk first. take a deep breath. have faith- i know its cliche but if its meant to be it will be. its absolutely 100% true. please dont freak out and especially dont start acting crazy and emotional around your boyfriend (i am telling you this from experience, it only makes things alot worse and he will get frustrated and then you'll have to wait even longer to sort things out). so, try to be calm. take some deep breaths, watch tv, read, call up your friends and family. you are going to be ok. keep us posted on the situation

[Sophia_Jane]

I wish I didnt involve my parents. I just had my dad on the phone and he is now angry with my boyfriend. Its causing further problems now and I dont know what to do about that. All he keeps going on about is forgetting about hima nd just concentrate on uni- uni - uni - uni thats all they care about...They are telling me not to move out...UNI IS THE LAST BLOOMIN THING ON MY MIND....

 

I AM FED UP AND JUST WANT TO HIDE FROM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE....

[RayKay]

I would NOT email him. For two reasons, you are feeling that as you are feeling emotionally frustrated and I think would regret it. Two, it plants in his head that maybe there is no future rather than letting him think things over today.

 

Relationships have their higher moments, and their lower moments...and you get out of them what you invest in them. Are there any reasons you can think of why he might want to end it? Stress, not enough excitement, boredom? Do you argue a lot? Do you share similar values and interests?

 

He might be willing to work on the relationship or not, but in either case you will BOTH have to put some work in to see what the problems are and how they can be solved together (with or without outside help). It will take a lot of communication and it will not be easy...but if you both feel it is worth it, it might be rewarding.

 

When you talk to him tonight, stay calm, listen and allow him to talk and share. Don't try and make decisions for him or push him (he might just get mad and do something you will both regret). Be open to suggestions, and have some solutions.

 

Good luck, I know how tough it is..those talks are always heartbreaking.

[Sophia_Jane]

Well we had our chat yesterday. Luckily I had enough time to think about what I wanted and I realised that I have to start doing things for me- not expecting too much from others and build my own life. He agreed and he said he liked this new side of me. I told him the things I take responsibility for and he stated that he too knows it takes two to tango/cause an argument. But I dont think he really came out and said exactly where he has gone wrong... I would like to discuss this further..The night before however I pointe dout to him all the things he has put me through- regarding his debt etc..

 

Anyway we decided - well it was more my initial decision to have a trial until January - New Years and decide whether we think things are better and we want to carry on with things.

I felt really positive about this conversation and happy. But in the evening when I heard him planning about going out to his best mates 30th b'day party - it felt strange.. Strange, in a way that was my dad right when he said Jonathan just wants his cake and eat it. He wants to have time to do his own thing and slot me in???

 

I am not sure about this as I knew he would be going out for weeks now..

 

Is it that now he expects that we wont have an argument and if there is a argument he will be tempted to just threaten to end it and put me through all this again.. ?? He said no of course not...

 

I obviously dont think its a good idea to tlk about marriage now- but are we doomed from the start as apparently couples who live together - hardly ever get married?? Am I goign to be in a 1 year relationship with no ring on my finger!!?!?! Its 4 years next April...

 

But then he brought up the trial thing twice. To me it sounded like he was just saying ahh well you know we are JUST goign to give it a go till January...Like he wants out and is just biding his time..! His answer to this was no thats not what he is thinking..

 

Why do I feel still so hurt and angry when I look at him. I dont want to go through this pain again. I think to myself yeah maybe if this did happen again - I will be stronger to cope. But now I wonder do I realllllyyy want him... I want time for us to hang out- but we have both made plans all weekend with our friends. He did take me out to dinner last night in a expensive bar.. so I guess thats okay...

 

But right now I feel low still, confused, unsure, hurting. I dont want him to mend this pain I want to mend this myself (as is this something that he can mend) - give me time to feel the pain and thereforeeee make myself stronger.

 

Maybe I should respect him and forgive him for the fact that this was how he was feeling. He explained last night that he felt that it must of took him a lot to want to end this relationship and that is osmething he needs to think about...

 

Is he with me now out of obligation or feeling sorry for me?? Or because he truly loves me?? I dont think he would stay for teh sake of it?? Or would he??

 

I didnt want to get out of bed this morning and work out - but I am trying to force myself to hang out with my mates this weekend, sort out uni and pay a few bills and find some jobs. As I decided I want a job of my own...

I feel like we have broken up in a way?? But why would I feel this way??

 

The main thing is we are still together.. But I have to find my ground.. I want hugs and loads of kisses and support from him to make me feel better about myself. BUt I guess this is the first step to making myself feel good..

 

I am reading Feel the fear and do it anyway...

 

My initial fear is that I will get hurt again... But the real underlying fear is that I wont be able to handle it... I WANT TO REALISE I CAN HANDLE IT...

 

Over the next month or so his mother is visiting from the Caribbean next weekend and I know they will be spending a lot of time together and so I will be a bit out of the picture.. So maybe this is the best time to handle thi s pain..

 

Hopefully soon I will be able to stop wanting to cry....