Need attitude change on concept of marriage.

[tea]

Bf wants me to consider marriage again seriously because last time he asked I freaked out for 2 weeks and avoided the problem until now.. and he just brought it up again because "it's very important" according to him.

 

Well, so I freaked out some more on the Long Distance Relationship forum and I think I'm finally calming down now and I came to the conclusion... not really, there's still the big issue on whether I'm really going to go through with it and whether I'll move to Japan with my boyfriend indefinitely... but anyways... I came to the conclusion that I need a major attitude change on the whole marriage issue.

 

The biggest reason why I'm so stressed about the whole issue is my distrust in marriage. I don't believe it'll work... I know with him and I we have a chance, but I just don't believe it's going to work and I don't want to risk us hating each other 20 years down the road and making our children suffer. I don't believe in myself more than I don't believe in him. I know he'll make a good father and a good husband, and he claims that he knows I'll be a good mom.. but seriously, I won't. I think I'm more likely to abuse my kids than anything else.

 

...=/ the problem in our relationship really is "me". I can't commit, I don't want to get married, I'm scared and I'm a coward plus I'm about to run away. I need to change how I view marriage or ultimately I'm going to hurt both him and me.

 

so... help? =/ How do you think about marriage? For those who actually have a WORKING marriage without affairs, how did you make it work? For people who want to get married or are already "happily" married, why do you want to get married?

 

Bf says he'll make sure things aren't too different from now so I won't have to panick, but it's not working. I AM panicking and he's not even going to propose until next year.

[sasha12]

I feel the same way as you about marriage. I've been married twice. The first time I had a nervous breakdown, the second time I had a heart attack. no joke! It scares the hell out of me! I think you are taking this marriage thing pretty seriously though and marriage just isn't the right thing for all people. For me neither one of my marriages worked out and I was left pennyless. I have always admired those people who have a long lasting marriage. But I don't think I could ever do it again. Good luck to you though!

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you should be able to talk a person into getting married. If marriage freaks you out that much then it obviously isnt something that you should do at this point in time. If for whatever reasons you never feel comfortable with the whole marriage idea then you need to not get married. Either way you need to work this out with yourself. You should not go into a marriage thinking like this, this is only going to make your fears about marriage come true. If you are having this much problems with marriage then you dont need to get married. You need to be aware of the consequences of that decision and live with them. You cant always concern yourself with what your significant other wants if it doesnt match then there is a problem. If that problem isnt resolved then it will fester and cause more problems down the line. Its time that you sit back and make a mature decision based on the information that you have in front of you.

[tea]

I know, I know I know I know I know!! That's why I'm looking to change my attitude. I know I'll have to change or I'm going to hurt us! I'm trying!! >_

 

Ever piece of information I have in front of me says I should agree and go with him and get married.

 

... *sigh* *breath* but I just have this huge fear about the concept of marriage. I dont' know why I keep thinking he'll cheat, we'll abuse each other, we're going to hate each other and abuse our kids, and why I keep thinking marriage is going to ruin everything when I KNOW that's not the case and the two of us can be happy. I don't know why I'm so negative on the issue...

[spiderman_56]

?!?! ... mariage is nothing else than beeing with the person you love and commit eternal love in front of humans and gods / whatever , however you conceive marriage .

 

chlidren , what the heck ?!?! children r supposed to be the resullt of the love between parents , not some kind of obligation ..if u think u can't handle kids , don't HAVE ANY !

 

girl if yo do not love that man , please do him and yourself a favor and not waiste years of both of your lives !

 

People are not scared of doing what they fully trust and believe in . 0X

[Iceman26]

I am about as far from marriage as I can be, but I thought I would share my thought with you because you seem like a good person with an intelligent post.

 

You are too young to get married. In fact, I would go as far as saying that you are too young to have a serious boyfriend, you should be out having good times and experiencing life.

 

I am not trying to be mean, but you still have a lot of things to experience, goals and dreams to achieve and even trying to find a stable career takes most people until they are about 30.

 

If I were in your position I would tell your bf that you need more time to experience life and become more established in life before you make a life long commitment like that.

 

Work on yourself first, since it seems you have many doubts about yourself, and you may fine that your negative views of marriage have changed.

[tea]

Oh.. I'm sorry ^^: I forgot to make something clear.

 

No, we're not getting married anytime soon.

 

We're seriously talking about it because we have decided that our relationship is marriage bound. We know we're a good match and we share similiar values and such... I thought about playing more and getting more boyfriends, but I thought it over and decided that I don't care to play anymore and this is the person I want.

 

 

But... yeah, we're seriously talking about it because he wants to propose next year and get married when I'm 23 or 24. I don't know if 23 is still too young, but idealy if I'm having kids I want kids around 28. The younger the woman is the more beautiful her child is... and more symatric + intelligent... so I'd like to have kids around 27, 28... >_> hopefully I'll want kids by then. We're getting married so early so I can move with him accross the globe where I'll see him a lot more often than now. Since bf's in the military and he has decided to make the military a long term thing... I also encouraged him against my will because it's something he wants to do... >_

 

I know he's the person I want, I want to marry him around 23... and I think I'm giving myself before next year when I see him to change my attitude...

 

I love him, I want to marry him, but I can't go through with the whole thing if I don't change how I preceive marriage. >_

 

=/ @_@;;; how do I change? Work on myself? How?

[melrich]

Totally agree with Spiderman. You are way too young to be getting married or even thinking about it. People say marriage is nothing more than a certificate and it really doesn't change much. But as one who has been married, believe me it does change things. Even though you can separate, it is a huge commitment that ties you to another person in many different ways...emotionally, socially, financially etc. No one should even consider marriage until they undersatnd the implications of those commitments and they are ready for them.

 

In my experience, people aged 19 to 28ish are still finding out who they are and are changing way to much to be able to make a lifetime commitment.

 

Marriage is a great institution but you have to be ready for it and successful marriages take a lot of hard work.....more than you could possibly know at 21.

[tea]

richgabe, while I agree that 23 is still fairly young to get married, I have to dissagree that 28+ is a good age.

 

I think for myself I wouldn't even consider marriage after the age of 30. Based on a stanford study a couple of years ago, the chance of women getting married after 32 is less than 5% and the chance of women marrying after 38 is as slim as being struck by lightening. The nubmers have problem risen, but around 30 is hardly a good age to marry, especially for women.

 

34 years old and above women are considered too old to have safe pregnancy...

 

Besides, I think commitment is something you learn along the way, instead of something people figure out on their own.

 

I agree that I'm too young at 21, and probably still too young at 23, but I dissagree that I will be too young at 25. As of whether I am commited or not... I think I am, but only the future can tell.

 

With your advice... What do I need to know? THAT's the part I really want to know. What should I know? Don't just tell me I'm too young and I shouldn't commit or I wouldn't commit. I know if I'm commited or not and I know I'm too young in everyone's opinions except like... people who know me. Our parents, relatives, and friends all believe that the two of us are ready. We want to wait a few years before we really decide, but before you vote against us even CONSIDERING, please know that we HAVE to consider. If we're not commited this won't even work. ... =/ he's in the navy... we can't be like everyone else who just string along and see what happens. If we're not commited it and not thinking about marriage it means the military WILL be in our way and WILL keep us apart indefinitely. If the two of us aren't married, if I'm sick he won't know, if I die he's not allowed to visit, if I want to visit him I'm not a relative so sucks to be me and I should just go disappear.

 

 

=/ >_

 

What I really need to get rid of is my internal fear. =/

[Galaxygirl]

Well, Tea, I know you are confused, but you will know when you are ready to get married. A friend of mine got married at 38, and had her first child at 42! And the child is just beautiful. You will know when the time is right.

[melrich]

Yes Tea, Galaxygirl is right. I cannot tell you what you don't know. I can only tell you that based on my experience, a persons dreams, goals and desires will change a lot between the age of 21 and 30. Just the fact that marriage scares you so much is probably a good indication that you are not ready for it.

 

In Australia, the average age for a woman to marry is now 29.2 and is increasing every year. That does not mean to say the people who get married earlier cannot make it work, there are many people that know much younger exactly what they want. It's just from the doubts you express you don't seem to be one of them.

 

All i'd recommend is that you continue with your relationship, be in love, live together but perhaps don't put the pressure of getting married on yourselves right now. Put the subject aside for a year or two and see how you feel then. If you are completely comfortable with marriage when you are 23 then go for it.

[mahlina]

Tea,

 

I know where you're coming from...I completely agree with GalaxyGirl. When you know that the person is the 'right' person, then without a doubt, those fears of getting married will go away. I am a firm believer that true love exists. Even with high divorce rates these days, I still believe that marriage can still last. I used to be really skeptical about marriage in the past, but I realized that when you run into the 'right' person, it's almost as if things just fall into place. You won't have to doubt a man's intentions, because he shows you love without you having to ask. When there is a sense that the love that both partners share is unoonditional, that's when you know you have found the right person. The right person never leaves you feeling doubt, worry, or distrust.

 

Some people marry for love. Other people marry for money. Some people marry out of convenience (i.e. they feel as though they're getting old, so they settle down). But I think that the best time to get married, is when both partners marry for love, and they know for sure that their other partner is truly their other half. They're proud to bring that person home to meet their parents. They're proud to know that they're partners will be the ones who will bring their kids into this world. They're proud that their kids will resemble much of their partner. Marriage is something that they're proud of. Why? Because they're mature, they know what they want, and they found what they want. With people who marry for shallow and superficial reasons, I think that they're just another sad added statistic to divorce rates. They don't marry out of love, but rather, out of selfishness. They're probably the ones who will most likely cheat.

 

Sounds like this is not your case. You're choosing to marry out of love, which is great. Take your time. There's no rushing into marriage. If anything, give it a little more time to let him to prove to you that he deserves to be your husband, your life long partner..

[tea]

mahlina.. I think my problem is more that I know this is what I want and I have no doubts in him... but I have doubts in myself instead. >_> I'm afraid I'll turn out to be just like my parents.

 

-_-;; I know this is the person I want and I know I want to marry him... realisticly speaking I don't have any doubts that we won't work out, but I just can't get away from all these things that bulit up in my head.

 

I want to get married around 23, 2 years before I think when I should get married... =/ I know because it's my boyfriend that I'm even considering this, since all my friends since high school were thinking I'm going to make a singles only club when I'm 30 for those that are happily single forever. =/

 

 

>_

 

You're all right though, I am young and I always laughed at those people who were thinking about marriage before 22.. >_> and here I am... -_-;;; I kept talking my friends out of wanting to get married... >_>;;;; and I'm seriously considering it when i'm only 21. It's a big step that's against what I wanted for myself and I thought it over... I think... most of his family have just been waiting for us to get married since Easter, and my family's just waiting for him to propose since this summer... and the two of us said we're getting marriage counselling next year + engagement. That step we're sure of.

 

We might put actually marrying off for another couple of years just to make sure we're not rushing into it, unless if our premarriage counselor thinks we're good to go too.

 

... >__> I'm my mom's daughter, why should I be any different. >_>;;;My mom says they married out of love too... >_>;;; I hope they didn't.

 

 

Well, the optimistic part of me that's kind of being covered by all the pessimistic thoughts just don't believe that we'll fail. ^_^ We're really a good match and we really do love each other. Our relationship was kind of an accident and it was never easy (ppl keep giving us weird looks + distance), but ^^: yeah, I can see a future with him... if I don't screw things up for everyone.

[tea]

Something else worries me too. If so many people made the wrong judgement about whether they will work out... assuming people didn't go in marriages expecting them to fail... if so many people made wrong judgements and went into a marriage only to find that it doesn't work, why should I be any different?

 

>_> but then, I try using that to convince myself out of thinking we'll work out, and it didn't work... lol... we have similiar concepts on how our kids should be raised, whether we'll have kids or not... eventhough I'm really scared about that too... I dont' want to screw up as a mom. >__> so did my parents. haha.

 

Well, my parents didn't get married until they're 25.. for their age that's pretty late. They didn't have kids until 30... when they're sure they want to be together.. then it went downhill from there. I really don't think age makes a difference. When people make the wrong judgements they make the wrong judgements... doesn't matter how old they are it happens. 21 is still way too young though, mainly because I'm just about out of school and I haven't started working yet...

 

... ... ... eh... feeling better about this whole thing. o_o

 

... or not. Kids often grow up to be like their parents right? Children from abusive families often turn out to be abusive towards their families. I don't want to hurt anyone so I planned on living alone. I forgot the percentages, but a fairly high amout turn out to be like parents... if I start abusing him and forces him to abuse me and we all abuse our children... then our children will grow up to be abusers and abuse their spouses + children... thus the cycle goes on and everyone will hate each other. =/ Bf kept saying, that's why we have two parents, so we can check on each other and make sure we're not abusive... @_@; but what if I'm forcing him to be abusive? Maybe I'll just have that bad an attitude so everyone just hate me and in turn hate each other. ... =/

 

... I wonder if I'm abusive. =/

[mahlina]

I see what you're saying...However, not everyone's perfect, right? We all have our own weaknesses, our own flaws, but it's up to us to embrace it and work on making ourselves stronger, smarter, and wiser. Some people are aware of their own weaknesses, but they're always in denial and give into their weakness. They give up and get jaded. They constantly lie to themselves. My friend just got married. For a 21 year old? I think that she still has a lot ahead of her, but what were her reasons for marriage? I think it's because she's afraid to be alone, especially because she has two kids. Now, this guy is the abusive type. Our group of friends can tell. A lot of her actions tell me that she never listens to herself. She's like zombie, blindly walking throughout life, always living in denial.

 

So my point is, listen to what's truly bothering you. Work on improvement. I also think that the 'right' partner encourages us to be the best that we can be. They don't have to out right say it, but it's just the feeling that you get when you're with the right person. It's almost as though they're our catalyst, someone who motivates us to overcome our fears. If you have the feeling that you will become like your mother, then try working on that. I didn't have the best childhood either. Lots of drama in the family as a kid. You know how the struggling immigrant family liftesyle is like, right? Kinda dysfunctional, but functional in its own way? Well, try to accept the past for what it is. You can't really change it. You're a product of it, but you can change the outcome of your situation. You can choose to grow stronger from it.

 

Realize that anything's possible. Fear is what consumes most of us. Due to fear, we're always in denial. But when you make the effort to challenge yourself and face that fear, then anything's possible, even a happy marriage with your man. It can, and it will happen. It's just up to you to dig deeper to make it happen. Make yourself a better person by improving. That's what will give you a lot of grace. Find that strength inside of you. You will become a more well-rounded person, not a dead beat. Be that strong woman. Life's about learning, so make this your challenge. Maybe this situation is meant to be: it's something that forces you to grow in an adverse situation. Never give up. Hang in there.

[SecondChance]

Tea,

 

I think this is wonderful that you are facing your fears and exploring change, no matter what the outcome will be. I was in a very similar position to you. My parents had an extremely conflictual relationship for a number of years, I was terrified of getting married, and thought I would be a bad mother, etc etc etc. I have now been happily married for six years (no kids), and the relationship is nothing like what I feared it would be, nothing like what my parents' relationship was. I should tell you that if I had waited until all my fears went away before I got married, I never would have done it. I was a basket case right until the day of the wedding, and you probably will be, too (if you decide to do it). Don't worry, that's not necessarily a sign that you shouldn't be getting married.

 

How did I do it?

 

1. Therapy - lots of it - for the 2 years before I married, and for several years afterwards. I had major issues from my family, and I don't think I would have been able to get married if I hadn't dealt with those.

 

2. I would also recommend that you and your boyfriend read books together, or take marriage/relationship classes together, that kind of thing - just to get you "thinking" and "talking" about the issues that you will face as a married couple. I highly recommend John Gottman's The Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work.

 

3. Research shows that the biggest reasons why marriages fail are conflict resolution and lack of intimacy/connection. You two need to learn how to talk about and solve problems in your relationship - and there will always be problems - AND learn how to stay connected, which probably isn't such a big issue at this point.

 

Anyway, you seem to have a good grasp of what your fears are, and are trying to deal with them. Keep up the good work![/u]