If I'm Holding Him Back?

[imklax]

Hello, I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months. Recently it has come to my attention that he wants to become an actor, which means that he would possibly have to interact with girls on a sexual level. This makes me extremely uncomfortable. While I realize this is jealousy and I should get over it, I also realize this is a part of me and I never will be okay with him kissing another girl - even if it's just acting. I expressed to him that we could try, that I would do my best and if I found that he found acting more important than this relationship, he could choose it over this. He said I was giving him an ultimatum, but I told him that I would try my hardest to overcome my feelings for him! One cannot simply change their feelings, correct?

 

I can't decide if I should just end it now (though it is not just dating, it is serious and we love each other very much) and not hold him back or see what happens. If he is willing to choose a career over this relationship, though, doesn't that mean he doesn't really consider it a priority in the first place?

 

Thank you.

[DN]

You need to get over this. I direct community theatre productions and kissing scenes are always difficult to direct. It's about as unsexy as it gets.

 

You aren't so much giving him an ultimatum as blackmailing him by saying it's either him not kissing other actors or the relationship and it is really, really, unfair.

[imklax]

I have worked in film for quite some time and I know exactly what happens on sets. I know what I am doing is unfair and I recognize that.

 

I maybe should have mentioned that he attempted cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship, with his ex, and that is probably a factor in why this makes me so uncomfortable. We are currently rebuilding trust. I would love to get over it, because I do think I am being a jealous girlfriend. Any tips on that?

[DN]

Well, if he cheated that is more understandable, it would have been a good idea to have said that originally.

 

What is the major concern - that he will cheat or that you just don't like him kissing another actor?

[greywolf]

Is this something that would have bothered you before he cheated?

[East4]

If you have to change who you are in order to stay with your SO, then this relationship is not in your favor, because you won't be your authentic self. And happiness comes from being yourself and be accepted and loved by your significant other the WAY YOU ARE. Always when we truncate our true self in order to fit into a relationship, or a situation, we suffer, build resentment towards the person/situation that demands us to abandon our authenticity, and in the end things end up badly.

 

Remain true to yourself-this a recipie of emotional and psychological health.

 

I think nobody should demand of you to go against your nature. If you are jealous and possessive-so be it.

 

If your BF wants to act-OK, this is his decision. But it is also your right to withdraw slowly or completely end the relationship to avoid further heartbreak. He has already showed you that he's not cheat-prove, so do you think he will resist the temptation while participating in hot scenes.

[NymphaeaLilly]

It's not fair of you to give him ultimatum.

Career is something person is supposed to do for the rest of their life, no one has a right to intervene in other people's choice. At the same time relationships are so fragile and can end at any moment. Who in their right mind would chose a pretty short relationship (7 months isn't long by any standards) over something you are supposed to do for the rest of your life?

That said, I'd never ever date an actor. I'd never be comfortable with him kissing and touching other girls. If might be unsexy as DN said, but we all know how many actors and actresses got together on set.

You two are simply INCOMPATIBLE, nether you need to work on your jealousy nether he has to change his career. The best thing for both of you is to break up and try to find someone more compatible.

[Kendahke]

I maybe should have mentioned ...

 

What else are you going to throw into the pot that he's done to spin this?

 

If you know what you're doing is unfair, then you need to end this because forcing someone to give up their dream in order to make you happy is the height of being unfair. Would you rather deal with someone who resents you because you have issue with him doing an aspect of his job as an actor? You would not be able to withstand the level of bitterness directed at you as a result of him giving up what he really wants to do to please you.

 

Would be different if you two were married and he came up with this idea this morning... but that's not the case.

[imklax]

I realized I was wrong in asking him this and thank all of you for your replies. I want to stay with him, as I think jealousy is something I want to overcome in myself, anyway. I just hope I find a way to do it.