Really struggling

[JSHRN]

My ex broke up with me a month ago after a short but wonderful 4 month relationship. While that's not a very long time it was the most wonderful, incredible experience and relationship of my life. It wasn't without complications, though. She was only separated from her husband when we began dating. But she also talked about filing for divorce and said she wasn't ever going back to the marriage because she loved me, was in love with me, wanted to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me. I was on cloud 9 because I felt so alive and happy. Since she separated, her relationship with 2 of her 3 children became very strained. She was also estranged from her father and had limited conversations with her mother. She frequently talked about how this was affecting her and how she was going to maintain her family in her life. Even though we talked about a future together, I told her I wasn't going to come between her and her family. She continually assured me that she wanted me in her future and if I can't maintain a relationship with my family then I'll live with it - said she deserved to be happy for a change )and that she would be with me).

 

The day she broke up with me she said she couldn't continue to "live a lie" with me. She said she loved her husband and children too much to continue her relationship. I was absolutely crushed and devastated. It's been a month since she broke up with me and it's been harder and harder to deal with this. All I do is cry. I'm incredibly sad. I miss her. I miss us.

 

After she broke up with me she said I knew what I was getting myself into because she was married (she was also coming out of a 2 1/2 year affair. BUT, she never once said she was going back to her husband. I recognized and accepted that her children were her priority and understood that her relationship with them was strained. But she said she was never going back to her husband because she wanted a future with me. I'm so incredibly sad and struggling with this. The pain is unbearable and I having a great deal of difficulty coping. I'm on meds now to help "soften the blow" but I'm so incredibly sad and alone and heartbroken.

[Xylitol]

You have to accept her choice, and continue on with your life and wait it out. I suspect she will come back to you since her problems have not gone away.

 

Also, you should not date married people, you should know that you are not allowed to interfere in someones life. First let her divorce, and then let her go with you. Affairs cause a lot of emotional pain, remember she has children and a husband, you don't know nor should you justify any pain that they might go through as a result of the break up/divorce. Its a horrible experience if you think about it and put yourself in the shoes of the children or the husband, regardless of who they are and what they did, its not a nice thing to go through.

 

Think in terms of karma, don't do upon someone else what you would not want to have like to be done to yourself. Its really true.

[bluevacuum]

Sorry for your pain. I know it's real but she has many issues she needs to sort out. She had an affair, she is separated from her husband, she is dating you and promising you a future. Be thankful that you experienced love, be even more thankful that you dodged a bullet. I understand you may be sad and you will be sad for awhile, that is your right to feel so. When the feelings fade, you'll see that this is a blessing. She has so much baggage that comes with her. You went through the honeymoon phase and she jumped ship. She will continue to do this vicious cycle and you can see the pattern with her affair, separation and dating you.

 

She's bad news. You may love her and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

NC, grieve, heal, and move on.

[nutbrownhare]

To Xylitol:

 

The OP wasn't having an affair in the sense of having a relationship with someone who was committed; she was already separated from her husband. Sometimes divorces take years and years to come through, so to suggest that the OP's current situation is due to karma is not terribly fair!

 

To the OP: you and she were still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship; it's just that you'd gone into it in good faith, while she had an awful lot of unresolved issues which were always going to get in the way of any commitment to you. What you need to appreciate is that the person you loved, the person who wholeheartedly told you that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you - does not exist. You were starry-eyed (as is normal in a relationship which hasn't hit reality yet), and her words would have been very seductive. But look at the facts:

 

Despite supposedly being in love with her husband, this had not stopped her having a 2.5 year affair with someone else before you two met. Someone whose moral compass is like this will not really be able to commit to anyone in the long term. All her relationships with family members were strained, accross the generations. This is clearly a pattern of hers. She was very recently out of her relationship both with her extra-marital partner and her husband, and you were her rebound from both.

 

She's made her choice; she may well come back to you when things go belly-up once more, as her marital situation will not significantly have changed - whatever you do, if this happens - RUN!!!

 

You are right to grieve, feel angry, sad - wherever your emotions take you - as this will be the quickest way of moving on. In future, if you meet someone new, look at the way they have treated past partners - because that will very soon be the way they treat you.

 

(((HUGS)))

[JSHRN]

You have to accept her choice

 

Also, you should not date married people, you should know that you are not allowed to interfere in someones life. .

 

This probably won't make sense to a lot of people but I thought I was "justified" dating her because she was separated. Yes, I was taking a risk but I didn't become emotionally connected until she began talking about a future with me, wanting to be with me and filing for divorce. I thought I was making a good decision here and didn't think of this happening because she ALWAYS talked about a future and said she was never going back to her husband because she wanted a future with me. She said she was never going back to the marriage! I can't handle the pain of this breakup.

[nutbrownhare]

This probably won't make sense to a lot of people but I thought I was "justified" dating her because she was separated. Yes, I was taking a risk but I didn't become emotionally connected until she began talking about a future with me, wanting to be with me and filing for divorce. I thought I was making a good decision here and didn't think of this happening because she ALWAYS talked about a future and said she was never going back to her husband because she wanted a future with me. She said she was never going back to the marriage! I can't handle the pain of this breakup.

 

I've had a couple of relationships over the years with guys who were separated rather than divorced; one of them when I myself was separated rather than divorced. To equate this with having an affair with someone who is still married and deceiving their partner is absolutely ridiculous! Granted, it's likely to be more complicated than having a relationship with someone who's just split up from a non-committed relationship, but I think most of us would trust a new partner who said that their previous relationship was over!

 

As I said in my previous post, work through the emotions and it WILL get better.

[Ms Darcy]

Right or wrong it is ... to me ... best to stay away from married people. And separated to me is married with probblems. The risk of situations like this is too high. I advise waiting for someone to be divorced. This maay take a while but going through the process helps them go through the emotional pain and have hope of being available to another.

 

No more married women k?