If you fell for a difficult match like I did... High Conflict People article

[IAmFCA]

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For those of you who have followed my posts over the past year or so, you know that I fell hard for a brilliant passionate and deeply flawed man. He was the perfect boyfriend, or he was utterly absent. Friends would say he is using me for sex, but that wasn't right, media would say he is an attachment-phobe, and that wasn't right either. We still keep in contact, but only by sending messages within FB, where we are not connected as friends or any other way. My value to him is as obvious as his unacceptable behavior, and I couldn't figure out how the two could co-exist.

 

This article helped immensely. I then sent it to a friend who is in eternal litigation with his ex-wife, and it helped him too. The characterization of High Conflict People and how to understand them and work with them is so helpful that I am posting it just in case it will help someone else.

[iamkaylee]

I agree with the article to a point. Trying to change these types of people is futile. Pointing out their bad behavior or being confrontational with them about it really does make them worse. On the other hand, I think being nice to them about it and trying to show them different ways to handle their issus just makes it worse as well. The only difference is the ongoing dynamic between the HCP and other person. The former pushes their defensive hostile buttons, the latter pushes their entitlement buttons and teaches them their behavior can be tolerable or acceptable.

 

These are people you really can't reason with no matter how hard you try. I refuse to deal with them any longer, I just walk.

[ThatwasThen]

I'd just as soon banish people who don't value me or only value me on their terms while disregarding mine. Keeps life simple.

 

Here's an article on codependency that might apply to people who are mistreated but refuse to go no contact and keep themselves from getting to the stage of indifference to people and their "isms."

 

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[IAmFCA]

ThatwasThen, this is indeed a good link to pair with the other. Thank you for sharing it.

[pl3asehelp]

I'd just as soon banish people who don't value me or only value me on their terms while disregarding mine. Keeps life simple.

 

Here's an article on codependency that might apply to people who are mistreated but refuse to go no contact and keep themselves from getting to the stage of indifference to people and their "isms."

 

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Agree totally. Not interested in being a whipping post for anyone for any reason. That's their own problem to deal with so I'll just leave them to handlenit without me.

[Alone Now]

Agree totally. Not interested in being a whipping post for anyone for any reason. That's their own problem to deal with so I'll just leave them to handlenit without me.

 

Agree with all posters. Allowing someone to be involved with me who can't/ won't value me as a person first, then a woman, not only speaks of his ill suit to be in a relationship, but also about what I am willing to put up with. I deserve somone who finds value in my everyday life, a man who looks at me and sees an equal; not someone that is available to listen to his bs.

 

TWT - what a wonderful article! It really hits the nail on the head as far as both parties in a unhealthy relationship.