No longer interested after sex...

[Jnyce2010]

Hello Forum,

 

I have been dating this young lady for about a month. We have only been on three dates because of our busy graduate school schedule. The first two dates started off bad, but on both occasions things eventually turned for the better. However, I was concerned after the first two dates because it seemed as if I was the only one engaged. We laughed but I was making all the jokes and asking all the questions. I would purposefully remain silent for long periods of time to see if she would say anything. She just remained silent and smiled when I looked her way. SMH.. She is a very very pretty girl... So I said the third date is a charm. I was prepared to make a decision based on our interactions over 3 dates. I suggested that we get together and watch a movie at her place and have brownies, popcorn, etc.. She was very comfortable at her place as I expected.. She did open up a little bit. I did not go over with the intention of having sex so I didn't bring condoms.. I did however initiate a kiss.. We made out a little bit, then I stopped, then she initiated and then grabbed my junk and proceeded then stopped then went back at it. I was very hesitant because I had been celibate for 5 months because I am looking for something long term for the first time in my life. Long story short, we had sex, she had an orgasm and I didn't. I believe it was the condom. She wanted to continue and I opposed. She said that she had not had sex in a year but I don't know if I believe that.. I wanted to leave really bad, but I didn't want to make her feel like crap so I stayed the night and cuddled. I felt really disgusted with myself because I broke my celibacy and after sex I realized it was with a woman I really wasn't interested in... After that I just went numb...I think I want to break this off but I'm not sure how to go about it..Am I jumping to conclusions??

[Kristenelaine]

If you want to break things off and arent feeling good about the situation, then break things off.

 

Just let her know that this isnt working for you

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure she'll be hurt to know that you waited until after you had sex before telling her you weren't interested. Yet on the other hand, she walked right into this as well, knowing this was a no strings deal, since you barely know each other.

 

Are you sure you don't want to give this a chance?

[Ms Darcy]

If you are sure that you are not interested then tell her that.

[Klokwurk]

You aren't interested in her because she was so easy, in my opinion.

 

I think it's an instinctual reaction. Consider all of her pros and cons before you make a decision. If you still can't shake the feeling that you just aren't interested in her, then yea, just tell her this is not what you wanted.

[annie24]

if you wanted to be celibate, why didn't you tell her that at the time? i mean, you could have said no. she didn't force you to have sex with her.

[Klokwurk]

if you wanted to be celibate, why didn't you tell her that at the time? i mean, you could have said no. she didn't force you to have sex with her.

 

Ah, haha, if only men weren't men.

[itsallgrand]

It almost sounds to me like you have difficulties with controlling yourself when it comes to sex. That you went numb, not because of anything to do with this woman, but because of your own choice to sleep with her knowing you wanted to wait this time and find 'something long term for the first time in your life'.

 

But she is very, very pretty.....

 

If all your life you have been doing the casual sex thing, or sex outside a relationship, and now you are trying to change that, it must have felt like turning on yourself to have slept with her under these circumstances. ? I mean, if you are really serious now about wanting to wait and know a woman, and not let her outside be the determining factor on whether you have sex. Must have been a wake up call.

 

It seems to me from what you describe that you weren't that interested even prior to the sex. In fact, that may have been why you got in the sack too...if that is what you are used to. So no I don't think you are jumping to conclusions if you do not want to see her again or if you know there isn't interest...

 

but I think it's not really about this woman. I think sleeping around just doesn't feel right for you anymore and you felt it.

[Jnyce2010]

I don't like the idea that her ex is her best friend either...

[Jnyce2010]

You read my mind..I've been struggling with this all day.. I wasn't very interested because I didn't think she was really into me but every time I thought about telling her I'm done, she would call and re-establish interest...really weird..

[annie24]

You aren't interested in her because she was so easy, in my opinion.

 

 

i think this is the case. you seemed to like her a lot on dates 1 and 2, and then after sex, meh, not interested. now you are finding reasons why she is not the one - she's best friends with her ex. that only bothers you after sex??

 

of course, dating is all about getting to know one another and you can decide at any point if a person is not what you want. but it does kind of suck that you did something willingly (yes, men have free will!) and now you're finding any reason not to see her again.

[Jnyce2010]

if you wanted to be celibate, why didn't you tell her that at the time? i mean, you could have said no. she didn't force you to have sex with her.

 

Easier said than done...I think the only time I've turned down women for sex is when I see they are sloppy drunk.. Other than that for the past 5 months I've tried to stay to myself..

[Jnyce2010]

You aren't interested in her because she was so easy, in my opinion.

 

I think it's an instinctual reaction. Consider all of her pros and cons before you make a decision. If you still can't shake the feeling that you just aren't interested in her, then yea, just tell her this is not what you wanted.

 

After penetration I was sure she wasn't celibate for a year lol..I did subconsciously feel that maybe this was too easy..

[Jnyce2010]

You aren't interested in her because she was so easy, in my opinion.

 

I think it's an instinctual reaction. Consider all of her pros and cons before you make a decision. If you still can't shake the feeling that you just aren't interested in her, then yea, just tell her this is not what you wanted.

 

I kinda felt that I would be a punk to turn down a beautiful woman.. I felt kinda like I had to go through with it..I know that sounds stupid but its true..

[annie24]

Easier said than done...I think the only time I've turned down women for sex is when I see they are sloppy drunk.. Other than that for the past 5 months I've tried to stay to myself..

 

you made a choice out of free will. she didn't rape you, did she?

[Jnyce2010]

i think this is the case. you seemed to like her a lot on dates 1 and 2, and then after sex, meh, not interested. now you are finding reasons why she is not the one - she's best friends with her ex. that only bothers you after sex??

 

of course, dating is all about getting to know one another and you can decide at any point if a person is not what you want. but it does kind of suck that you did something willingly (yes, men have free will!) and now you're finding any reason not to see her again.

 

 

i haven't done anything yet..i was wanting to get some insight.. Right now I'm remaining patient.

[Jnyce2010]

you made a choice out of free will. she didn't rape you, did she?

 

i have been raped before..she did not rape me

[annie24]

i haven't done anything yet..i was wanting to get some insight.. Right now I'm remaining patient.

 

i think from her perspective, if you stop talking to her, she's going to be like, "well, he got what he wanted and got out of there!"

 

you're not the first man to lose interest after sex so soon.

[HeatherB]

i have been raped before..she did not rape me

 

Yipes. I'm so sorry to hear this. Have you been through therapy about your rape? I'm no expert, but I'm sure it could be affecting you in all sorts of ways.

[annie24]

i have been raped before..she did not rape me

 

Wow I am really sorry. Have you talked about it with a therapist?

[hrtlsngl7]

WISH I could remain celibate .Don't beat yourself up too bad, but I had that exact awkward moment of silence you had on that date. If you want more than sex....like an interesting conversation...she may not know how to have one. If you want to avoid sex in the future: avoid being alone in private places with a woman. Pretend like you're a girl who's afraid of being chopped up by a stranger you just met on the net LOLZ!!!

[itsallgrand]

I kinda felt that I would be a punk to turn down a beautiful woman.. I felt kinda like I had to go through with it..I know that sounds stupid but its true..

 

It doesn't sound stupid. It helps to make more sense of why you went through with it even though not all of you wanted to.

 

Seems to me your instincts are good to not continue to see this woman. Not because there is 'anything wrong with her'. But she is obviously ok with early sex, and it's complicated things for you, and you would be better off figuring out this compulsion in yourself that makes it hard for you to turn down sex.

 

I'm really very sorry to hear you were abused. I was also abused, when I was young. It may very well be playing a part in this.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling bad too. You aren't a bad guy for this. It's ok to do what is right for you.

[bamboobam]

You went way too fast like Usain.