I might break NC - what have I got to lose?

[whattheheck]

My ex gf broke up with me in August, and we have had very limited contact. I was thinking on writing her a letter before I leave out of state for two weeks for Christmas. I was thinking on writing her a letter to let her know I still care and miss her, and still love her. That way, I will be away from home for two weeks with my family, and not expect any call or response from her.

 

I'm not sure if she is still seeing her new bf, but probably is.

 

I'm thinking - is NC really the best way to try to get someone back, or is it only the best way to heal?

 

I really want her back still. Which is best? Write a letter or forget about it?

[hockeyboy]

do you want her back..who she is now? or do you want the old her back?

[whattheheck]

I just want the chance to sit down with her someday and talk about things, and see if there is a chance we could start fresh. It seems like if I had a second chance, I would be able to heal even better even if it did not work out, because then i would know that I did all I could.

[hockeyboy]

because then i would know that I did all I could.

 

i know that feeling all to well. maybe you should try contacting her again..not that i think its gonna work to get her back but rather so you can feel like you've tried everything. fair warning...because i did it...it hurts at first, but afterwards if you really do start to move on you will feel better. honestly though..if you try and she turns you down will you feel like you've done your best? you shoud, you have. but will you really start to let go afterwards. i think you need to if she won't talk about it with you.

[whattheheck]

Thanks - I guess it is a decision I will have to make. Honestly, i do not think she will even respond to the letter, but I think i really would move on better after that.

 

what is your opinion - which is a better shot at getting her back - sending the letter, or continue with NC?

[hockeyboy]

personally if i wanted to break nc, i'd call her

[whattheheck]

Wow - That would be tough for me, but I may do it. Which do you think would be better to get her back in the long run - NC or call?

[hockeyboy]

dont worry about the long run. if you plan your whole life around this girl your setting yourself up for heartache.

 

call her..just to talk, small talk. for now.

[whattheheck]

Thanks - I'll try that.

[trishcollins]

what is your opinion - which is a better shot at getting her back - sending the letter, or continue with NC?

 

I think that neither is a sure thing on getting her back, but I think that for your own sake, you might want to write it all in a letter and mail it. That way you don't have to deal with an expected email response or a potential phone call. Hand writing is best, it shows you took the time and you care.

 

I also think that writing the letter is mainly for YOU and not for her. I am doing something very similar on the advice of my professional counseller. My reasons are more to do with trying to help him, so that he can move forward. He has a lot of issues he needs to resolve and as long as he is feeling guilty about breaking up with me (which he feels he had no choice, even though he still loves me), he won't start moving forward and working on those problems.

 

For me, it will give me some closure, knowing I have done everything I could to try and help him, as well as try and get back with him. If I get no response from this effort, then I will finally be able to close the door and move forward.

[gersanos]

I second all that hockey boy has mentioned. I say you contact her one way or another. My first love broke my heart years ago, and I wanted her back so bad. When she decided to come back to me, I just didn't want it anymore. I missed the old her, the way we used to be, but things were just not the same anymore. If I never went out with her again, it would have taken me much longer to let her go because I was holding onto sweet memories that were killing me inside. I was hoping at getting back together for so long, then when we did I received true closure.

 

My recent ex, which was the second girl I ever loved, I think I'm doing the same thing with. I really wanted her back, but after running into her a couple of times I'm realizing that I really don't. I terribly miss the old times, the way we used to be, etc., but not the way she is now, or maybe it's just me that has changed because i've started to move on. I'm not sure. I still miss her, and still think at times about getting back together, but I think much of that is just focusing on all the good times, and not the bad or the here and now.

 

Good luck to you with what you do, but contact would not be a bad idea, considering you have been away from her for quite some time and have had time to heal. Things may work out, or you may realize that hey, I don't really want to be with her anymore.

[whattheheck]

Trish - so are you going to pour your heart out to him, and tell him you love him, etc? Or is it going to be more casual? Any ideas on what to write?

[hockeyboy]

call her first. if you want to write to her...write exactly how you feel. when you go to give it to her, tell her the jist of it and let her have it and let her take her time to reflect on it. im telling you though from experience, you may not like the reaction you get initially..however in the long run, if you can let go, you will be happy you did it.

[trishcollins]

Trish - so are you going to pour your heart out to him, and tell him you love him, etc? Or is it going to be more casual? Any ideas on what to write?

 

See my post: link removed

 

That is the letter I plan to send when in mid-Dec as I board a plan for Tasmania for three weeks

 

As you can see in the note, I am walking a fine line. I want him to know I still love him, but I understand what he is doing and why, and that I don't blame him. I don't talk about missing him, or specific memories, just that what we had was great and he gave me so much, etc.

 

It's a tough call, because there have been days when I have only been angry and blame him completely, but given the circumstances -- he lost his wife unexpectedly three months before we started dating, we dated for almost two years, and had made serious plans to move in together, but his daughter was very unhappy her father had moved on, and eventually that was our downfall. He felt like a failure because he couldn't keep everyone happy and felt he had no choice but to end it with me and spend time with his kids (20 & 17) even though he says he misses me and still loves me -- I really can't blame him. It was inevitable.

[whattheheck]

Thanks to all. Also, I think she still has her boyfriend that she went to very soon after we broke up. Should that make a difference in my decision to contact her?

[hockeyboy]

chances are she will contact you when and if she is no longer w/ him.

[whattheheck]

Hockeyboy - I guess I really want to know your (and anyone else's) opinion as the letter will help or hurt my chances someday. what do you all think? Will the letter even make a difference?

[hockeyboy]

whats it gonna say?

[whattheheck]

I'm not sure - I kind of want to say I still love her, miss her, etc. But I'm not sure what to say.

[hockeyboy]

if your going to write it make sure you..

 

-keep it short...if its long she won't take it in..you'll overwhelm her.

 

-dont be to sappy...it will only get you pity, not her respect

 

-make it clear, you love her, want her, but you know its not the end of the world if it don't work out and you'll be happy regardless

 

-if she had "problems" with you and thats why she left you...then address them. don't just come out and say "i fixed this about myself..." but rather say things that will show her you've worked on yourself.

 

-dont have any expectations

[whattheheck]

hockeyboy - thanks. I will try to write something up in the next few weeks. Then, I'll see if I have the guts to give it to her.

[hockeyboy]

good luck.

[trishcollins]

-dont have any expectations

 

I agree with hockeyboy. No expectations are best. As I said with my letter, my motives are a bit different, so my example may not suit your situation.

 

I worked hard to make him understand I don't want him to pity me or lost respect for me. That is absolutely the last thing I want. Don't go on and on about the "good times" and missing her -- she already knows that. Just make sure you point out why you love her and why you think your relationship could work again, but understand if she decides it is not what she wants.

 

If you have no expectations, you will not be disappointed.

[chai714]

The letter has ZERO effect on getting her back. Keep a journal of your thoughts instead. That letter you're debating on sending is for you and your own peace of mind. She will not benefit from it and it will NOT benefit your position on getting her back whatsoever. If you think about it, the risk of sending the letter is greater than the reward.

[JohnnyTable]

My advice is to write the letter but DO NOT SEND IT.

 

I don't see how it could do anything positive. Look at it from her point of view. If she is with another guy, she doesn't want to hear about your love for her.