Some never heal...

[Pebek]

It's been close to 8 months since my gf of 4 1/2 left me. I've been on 100% NC since that day. The pain still sometimes chokes me when the memories rush in. I caught a glimpse of her today. Man, does it hurt. I guess I still love her. Deep down in my heart there is this ray of hope she'll come back. I know it's stupid but I just can't help it. I don't have the luxury of time like most of you 20-somethings on this forum. For God's sake, I'm 40!!! What else is there for me? A few years of healing? Then what? Starting over at almost 50?!

Judging by the way I'm feeling now, I know how I'm gonna feel in March of 2005, exactly a year after the breakup...

[annie24]

ok, sounds like there was a lot of hurt and anger, but a lot of love too, if you were together for 4.5 years. Assuming she hasn't filed a restraining order against you, you can try, maybe, just one last time.

 

Send her a large bouquet of flowers (red roses, preferrably) with a letter telling her that you miss her terribly, and that you still love her, you know she's the one, and you want her back, and that you'll even go to couples therapy if that's what she wants. Oh yeah, and Godiva chocolates. Tell her that you've made progress on the issues that were causing problems in the relationship (ie, if you didn't have a stable job, tell her you now are stable in your job, if that's the truth.) I say use a letter, since she broke up with you and thereforeeee, she wants space, so this is the best way to give her a message without invading too much of her personal space.

 

You really need to be respectful of her space and time. An ex tried to win me back a few years after I broke up with him (he cheated on me and was an overall jerk), and I agreed to SLOWLY start talking to him again since he broke my heart, but then he started e-mailing and calling several times per day even though I told him not to, so then I shut off all contact with him. It's annoying when you ask for space and someone won't give it to you.

 

But if she tells you once again to get lost, well, I guess it's time to move on. I know lots of people (including my dad) who didn't find their true love until their 40s. Good luck!

[me4ta]

I watched this really interesting documentary with a funny title "What the bleep do we know". Basically it's a lot of interviews with different scientists on human emotions, self image and love from the stand point of quantum physics.

 

I'm a complete zero at sciences even though I'd taken it but basically not to go into the exlanation of what physics has to do with your problem, I'll tell you what I heard there.

 

When we look at one object and if our brain is monitored, certain parts of the brain light up, similarly if we close our eyes and imagine the same object - same parts of our brain light up - hence, our brain doesn't know the difference between real and imaginary.

 

So when they started talking about our attachments to people for instance, this is what is going on - when we remembering stuff, our brain is perceiveing it as reliving, hence you are not moving on, you are kind of still there in the past - not physically of course, but mentally...that's why if we remember doing something and we get shivers - it's our brain reliving the same emotions and sending signals to the rest of our body.

 

You are forcing yourself to life in the past - you are not allowing yourself to live in the now and look at the future. In the same movie they said that when we have positive thoughts - everything around us kind of works out, because we look at things differently, we notice good things, like all green lights on the road, etc. When we have negative thoughts, we think - omg, everything sucks, even this is not working out, my boss is yelling at me, etc. etc. etc. You're concentrating on negative, like thinking about you being in your 40s and that you've spent 8 months and still miss your ex and it's soon to be a year and if you're getting over it that long, you're not gonna have that much time to find a new relationship since you're gonna be closer to 50s.....YOU ARE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

 

Don't do it, by feeling sorry for yourself, you're keeping yourself in the past: your memories are crashing you.

 

During the past 8 months - what have you done? were you hoping for her come back, or were you thinking about starting your life without her. Think about it, she's not doing it to you, you're doing it to yoursel. You have all the power to be happy, you have to just think positive, you have to make an effort to do that even though I know it's hard, but what do you want to do - sit there and think and think about her, or make an effort and break free and find your happiness again?

 

I hope what I wrote here motivated you at least a bit - I've been there, I know what it's like, BUT think positive, look at what you have, you're alive, healthy, you have this this and that (fill it yourself with what you are and what you have)......and think about it......some people might think you're the luckiest person because you are or have all those things......it's all relative, you can do it - just let it go.

[Pebek]

annie24, thanks for replying. Well, it's not that simple. But then again, it never is. I do have a stable job and the breakup wasn't a nasty one. We never had any arguments or harsh words. There is only one issue. She's 24. Period. That sums it all up, I guess. She must not have loved me, even though we had a fantastic time at the seaside in summer of 2003 and were planning to go to the same place again this past summer, which never happened of course. Basically, what she told me on our breakup day was she didn't see us together in the future and wasn't sure of anything including her feelings for me. She mumbled something about me being the most important guy in her life up to that point (no wonder, she's so young) and that was it. In fact, she cried most of the time and I was the one who did the talking and asking. She just nodded 'no' to almost everything. That was how she just dumped everything we had down the drain in one night. Just like that. Like I was only a useless something holding her back. She didn't even say goodbye or whatever you say in such a situation. Imagine how I felt! The person you shared all those intimacies with suddenly becomes the coldest stranger on earth who doesn't look you in the eyes or say goodbye one last time. Like I wasn't there! Like we never talked or ... whatever.

[trishcollins]

I don't have the luxury of time like most of you 20-somethings on this forum. For God's sake, I'm 40!!! What else is there for me? A few years of healing? Then what? Starting over at almost 50?!

 

Okay, move over, a 44 year old woman wants to speak What we lack in age, we make up for in experience. And I can tell you right now, there will be someone else. You can't tell me at 40 you never had another serious relationship before this ???? That's at least the one thing that keeps me motivated since my breakup. I have been here before and I survived. I also have the experience and knowledge to know what I do and don't want, so next time I will be armed. Of course, no one knows what the future holds, but you certainly can't hide behind you age. Afterall, you're a guy, it's not like you have a biologicial clock that's about to stop

 

Anyway, I am sorry you are going through this. I know it's tough. It's only be 4.5 months for me, and I still struggle with it everyday. My 2-year relationship was great, but circumstances (long story) forced him to end it, and now I am reliving all those moments and experiencing those feelings all the time, but it's getting easier. I know that I have to pick myself up and move forward.

 

If I was really worried about my age, I would just top myself and be done with it. Believe me, I wouldn't trade what I know today, to be 20-something again. There are plenty of great woman in their 30s-40s and 50s who would love to met a SINGLE sensitive and caring man like you. When you are ready, get back out there.

[icme]

Pebek, both my parents had their second divorces when they were in their 40's.. can't have been much fun, especially having gone through it once 10 years earlier!! but since that time, they are both with other people and have been with them for 12 years or so – and I have never seen either of them happier – every day since. No kidding.

 

Its easy to think you're on the heap at 40. But also complete nonsense. you know, its not much different to thinking you're life is screwed at 30 - neither thoughts are rational, they're jsut a symptom of the negativity we all face after a break up.

 

When you do find another person – the time you've spent miserable and anxious will be washed away, not like it never happened, but enough so that nothing about it will stop you being happy again.

 

Things will change for you. They change for all of us. Sometimes bad as we know.. but sometimes good. You just have to ride out the storm during the bad times.

[Pebek]

trishcollins, thanx a lot for replying. I guess I'm making the post breakup blues more serious than it really is. Of course, I had been in a serious relationship before this one. But this one has been the longest and deepest of all and it ended a few months before I turned 40. As you see, there are two things that come into the picture here. That's why it's so hard for me to pick up the pieces and move on. I know I'll survive but there are times I just fall down crushed by the memories. It's because the relationship was so good while it lasted. We had no fights or arguments. I could have guessed it'd come to such an ending but obviously I was blinded by my feelings for her. Now that I'm 7+ months away from the breakup I can see things I didn't see before.

There's one thing you said I don't quite agree with. You say

I also have the experience and knowledge to know what I do and don't want, so next time I will be armed.

Every relationship is unique and when you open your heart to another person you're bound to get hurt big time if that relationship should ever fail.

Other than that, I just want to thank you for taking the time and trouble to write back. You've been of so much help to me that words can't say. I've been on this forum on and off since my breakup in March and I don't know how I'd have survived without your help. All you ppl here are just wonderful.

 

icme wrote

When you do find another person – the time you've spent miserable and anxious will be washed away, not like it never happened, but enough so that nothing about it will stop you being happy again.

 

Things will change for you. They change for all of us. Sometimes bad as we know.. but sometimes good. You just have to ride out the storm during the bad times.

 

I need to read such lines over and over again. They make me feel so much better. Thank you so much.

 

Pete

[trishcollins]

Well, you are right, every relationship is different. I try to remain positive and open and trusting, even though I saw red flags flying high in both my last and previous relationships. Both were rebounding (in a different way) and not only was I the "transistional" person for both of them, I was also the "evil" stepmother in the last relationship -- although I was never really "evil", I represented something his daughter could not accept. It was so clichéI almost wanted to laugh. I even predicted that it could happen -- wrote it in my journal two years ago when we first met. However, I really hoped we could overcome those things, and believed that every situation should be given a chance and so I opened my heart and trusted it would all be okay. I still try to keep an open mind, even though my past experiences might dictate different behaviour. If you don't take risks, nothing will ever happen.

 

I also went through a huge "age" crisis with my previous breakup. I was 37 and he was my "last chance" at a family of my own. I was staring down 40 and when he dumped me, I feel apart. It took me 18 months to get to the point where I could even consider dating again, and at that point, I really started to reconsider my idea of having my own children. That was really hard for me, as I always wanted my own children, so I started therapy. Sure, I could have gone to the sperm bank like a friend of mine did, and I have the financial and physical capabilities to support a child on my own, but to do it without a partner -- at least without a partner by choice -- was not something I wanted to do. Besides, I don't like the prospect of running after a toddler at 50

 

At 40, I accepted the fact that although I was capable of physically having children (and still am), the baby store would remain closed for good. In fact, when I met my "current" ex (who's wife had had a hysterectomy after their second child, so birth control was not an issue) -- I said that if I should get pregnant, I would keep the child, that I had done my share of birth control and that it was up to him to do something -- so reluctantly, he went and got snipped. Now, THAT should prove he loved me

 

Anyway, once I made the decision not to have kids, my world changed and I started meeting people who were in a place where their kids were almost grown up, and they were ready to have fun and travel and do all those things that when you have kids, you put on hold for 20 years.

 

I don't know. I think about my breakups at 20, at 30 and at 40. You are in different places in your life, you want different things. Now that I am almost 45, I want someone who is free to travel and enjoy life, when we are still healthy and fit enough to do things, and have the money to do it. A really different outlook than when I was 20.

[Pebek]

Can you believe it? 8+ months of 100% NC after she left me and I still feel like crying sometimes. Can't seem able to shake off the past.

[Foz]

you are bound to feel like this still, you were together for 4.5 years and coming upto Christmas as well its hard. but once you get over the first Christmas and New Years eve without her you should start mending..

 

Its just a thought but i remember when my Dad died the first everything was hard, christmas, my birthday, his birthday...and then it just got easier..the second everything was not so bad and then the pain faded but the memories remain.

 

a relationship ending is like a death, you go through the same grieving process..and i am trying to remember the resources i used to get over my dad's death to get through my boyfriend ending our relationship after 3.5 years..its only been 3 months so im still quite raw to be honest but im hoping that 2005 will be better than 2004!!

[Pebek]

Foz, thank you again for your reply. Yeah, it's like a death. When you realize that it suddenly gets a bit easier dealing with the past. I hope the summer of 2005 will be better as it's going to be the second one without her. Funny, how fast days go by...