Overwhelming feeling of disappointment... Am I justified?

[pandorasbox1]

I was wondering if any of you have ever felt overwhelmingly disappointed by your partner time and time again? When I feel this way its a really hard feeling to shake.

 

My ex and I have officially been broken up for a month. The breakup occurred due to numerous recurring problems and we felt that we needed time apart from eachother to work on our own respective behavioural and emotional problems. We both intend to continue with a relationship at some stage. Today was the second time that I saw him since the breakup. And unlike the first time, it was hardly as awkward. We kissed and held hands and everything felt kind of normal... except it didnt. For some reason I found it hard to really connect with him. I know this could be due to numerous reasons but thats not really a concern right now. I know I still love him deeply and that he loves me. On both occasions we spent about 4 hours with eachother in a public place.

 

My parents have been out of town and were supposed to arrive home today however plans changed and they are staying another night. So after our meeting and discovering I would be home alone again, I invited him over, saying that if he wanted to spend more time then he was more than welcome. I dont know why but some big part of me expected him to show up at my door an hour later and that we would have had a romantic afternoon together like old times... Needless to say, this didnt happen and Im extremely disappointed. Im disappointed to the extent of heartbreak. Instead he said that he misread my message and that he was out friends... Friends that he sees up to 5 times a week and sometimes twice on weekends. When we were still together he would only ever see me on Saturdays because Sundays were HIS day and the rest of the week he was too busy.

 

I feel massively pissed off and disappointed and this is causing me to question and doubt whether I ever truly want to be with him again if he cant drop his friends for once to be with me. Toward the end of the relationship I felt taken for granted and sorely neglected and he knows this and says he is trying to work on it. However, today makes me question whether I will ever the number one (or atleast number two) priority in his life... Is this expectation wrong of me?

 

Am I misguided in feeling this way? I feel like I expect too much and that I should expect nothing instead. I hate feeling this way. Its eating me up inside. Should I just take what I can get or what he can offer?

 

Im at a total loss and I feel like an idiot for feeling this way sometimes. I feel I need to see a therapist or some professional. Can anyone offer ANY advice?

[indea08]

If you're looking for permission to feel the way you feel, you have it. You're not crazy, you're not expecting too much. I was in the same boat. Every fight we had I always had to try and mediate the situation and work things out, otherwise things wouldn't have gotten worked out. Just ONCE I wanted him to say "you know what, I love you and I'm sorry and let's just be happy together." Now I've broken up with him and I would love to see that he's taken my words to heart and see him make even the smallest attempt to show me he still wants to be together....but I've learned not to hold my breath. I deserve the guy who buys me flowers just because, and won't let me go to bed angry, and wouldn't ever let me go.

 

So you have every right to feel how you feel...and I'm sorry you have to handle that. It hurts, I know. But he won't change. Either he gets or he doesn't and if he doesn't, he's not going to. It SUCKS, but that's how it is.

[lavenderdove]

>>When we were still together he would only ever see me on Saturdays because Sundays were HIS day and the rest of the week he was too busy.

 

If that's the best he can do than you weren't really his GF, more of a casual date. I see you are 21 and i imagine he is young too... He's just not at an age where he wants to commit to you and he probably doesn't want a serious relationship because he has other things he wants to do and his male friends are very important to him at this age.

 

I think what you need to do is recognize that you were way more into him than he was into you. Sadly, that happens. He's content seeing you once a week to get his sexual needs met, but you want more of a real/normal relationship where he is entwined with your life and spends more time with you. You are just both looking for different things out of the relationship. I don't think that justifies needing therapy, but it does justify you seeing that you are really serious about him and he is not all that serious about you. And if you let him, he will turn this into a FWB situation which will really disappoint you.

 

If you are constantly disappointed and have to fight with him just to get him to see you a small amount of time every week, you shouldn't be together and you definitely shouldn't be sleeping with him because he's using you for sex once a week but not committing to you. You want a RELATIONSHIP, not once a week hook ups or booty calls.

 

I really suggest you break up with him if you're constantly feeling like a beggar at his door. You need to be with someone who really is excited about you and wants you all the time, not just once a week.

[catfeeder]

There's nothing wrong with what you want, only that you want it from someone who won't give it. That ~will~ drive you nuts.

 

Just because you haven't met your match yet, that doesn't mean you won't. Give yourself the chance to learn how to uninvest in the wrong guy and be on your own for a while. Invest instead in faith, confidence and your ability to create a well rounded life beyond a BF. Then when you meet him, he'll respect you and your time instead of taking you for granted.

 

Head high.

[pandorasbox1]

I appreciate all of the advice. I know I am young and sometimes I feel emotionally mature beyond my age... I feel like Im looking for my life partner already and I know that probably wont happen for a long while. He is 25 and part of me hoped that he would be atleast a bit more mature at this age and want the same things that I do... But you are all right... As much as I want him to be mr right, I dont think he is.

 

We havent been sexual with one another since the breakup a month ago and he makes a point of contacting me everynight just to catch up a little. In some ways he is really is making the effort with me but in others he isnt.

 

I honestly dont feel ready to let go of all of this just yet. I know Im probably going to end up more hurt in the end but I think its a lesson that I have to learn.

 

So I think I need to focus on me, which is hard for me to do because I always give everything of myself to the person I love. Outside of him I dont have many friends so its extra hard.

[lavenderdove]

There is nothing wrong with only seriously wanting to date rather than casual dating at your age. But you need to keep in mind that at 21 you may not have enough experience to choose the right partner and should probably have other things in place like finishing school and having a career before you make that decision.

 

And by default, he's not 'making the effort' if he broke up with you. He may be trying to convert you to being a friend rather than a lover, and may also be hoping that eventually you'll be OK with the breakup and hook up with him now and again for FWB sex when he's in the mood. Perfect situation for him if he prioritizes his friends and his 'me time' over you.

 

Also note that one of the most common breakup lines is 'who knows, maybe we'll get back together in the future.' That translates to him wanting to soften the blow on the way out because it is sad to think of a final break and there can be a lot more drama and negative feelings if the person who really wants the relationship realizes the other person is gone for good with no coming back. It's a great getaway line but not necessarily sincere.

 

btw, the fact that you spent 4 hours with him then he didn't show up when you invited him over for more shows where his head is... he's still not interested in spending a lot of time with you or getting back together. He was specifically avoiding a situation where you might start thinking you were getting back together when he has no intentions of that. So i think you wll heal faster if you accept that he has broken up with you and you need to be working on healing and getting over him rather than acting like you are on a break rather than a breakup.

[pandorasbox1]

Thank you and you are right. Your words are sticking and I will think things through carefully. Thank you

[nfperception]

Yes, I have felt disappointment about my ex because he would say one thing and then do something else. Tell me that he was going to do something special for me, then didn't, and many other things. Yet, I still miss him from time to time. Oh well.