Ending It - How Do I Let her down easy?

[blgmike2]

So for those of you who don't know my story, look at my last posting.

 

I let this girl know from the get-go that I had issues about my ex, that I wanted to take it slow, and not to rush things. Well she rushed things. Within not even a month of officially dating her, she has things at my apartment, she had me meet her parents. Things are just moving way too fast and after thinking about it for a solid week, my heart just isn't it with this girl. I am going to take the rest of this week to really think it over but she is just not the one for me.

 

I hate hurting people and I know I will probably end up hurting her. She is more of a friend to me more than a relationship. Love her personality and her as a person, I just don't see this going anywhere. I have been looking to be in a serious committed relationship and its not with her. I am not going to force myself to stay with her and hope that it gets better.

 

How should I break up with her without completely crushing her?

[lemondust]

You need to break up with her today, not after a few days. Chances are she senses there's something 'up' and it's not fair to drag this out. I am glad you've decided to let her go, as I remember your other post.

 

Call her, explain that although you've enjoyed getting to know her and think she is a fantastic woman, you know deep down that your heart isn't in this and know you don't want things to go any further.

 

Don't leave any room for her to misinterpret and think you're just having a rough time, and need some space to think things over. Make it crystal clear, you don't want things to go further, it's over.

 

Unless she offers friendship, I wouldn't go down the friendship route.

 

It will very likely hurt her, but it will hurt even more if you drag it out needlessly.

[Edmund Exley]

I hate to say this, but you played a part in this too. She didnt suddenly just start leaving things at your apartment. You agreed to meet her parents. By doing those things, you allowed her to think this was moving OK.

[markie6]

Treat others how you would wish to be treated... honesty and integrity are all that's required

[blgmike2]

The reason I went and did those things (meeting her parents for instance) is because I wanted to give it a real shot and not just call it quits because I was having some small feelings of doubt and uncertainty. As the weeks progressed, its just getting worse.

 

I have made the mistake of letting a good thing go in the past numerous times, which is why I am going to take the rest of the week to really make sure this is what I want. I just don't know how to break it to her without crushing her, if thats the route I choose.

[lemondust]

Consider it longer if you must, but it sounds like you're pretty certain to me.

[laninaperdida]

You *did* play a part, but girls are relentless & pushy with that stuff.

1/2 the guys I know got "tricked' or pressured into those couple things & before they knew it 1 month turned into 1 year & they were like NOOOOO.

(I strongly believe it's a sneaky yet productive tactic that works... After a few months he just lets her call the shots... Reflect! You know a few couples like this, trust me.)

I think you need to tell her this:

"Listen, I like you, but I told you where my head was @ from day 1: I wanted to take things slowly. You're not respecting that. I'm @ fault for going along by allowing you to leave stuff @ my place & going along for the ride &meeting your parents, etc.. However, this ride is over. I'm sorry, but this isn't the type of relationship I want to be in. In the future, try to respect him & yourself... When a guy says he wants to take it slow, let him take it slow."

This last line is a little harsh, but women are anayltical, she "needs" to know what she did "wrong," so telling her that this is what she did wrong will actually make her feel relieved.

Int he future, you, also, MR, better change your behaviour.

If you say you want to take it slow, the second she leaves a hair tie you give it back.

She left a shirt? Fold it and leave it by the door & insist she take it with her.

Don't enable her behaviour, you know?

[blgmike2]

100% agree. I just HATE hurting people. And I know it hasn't been that long but I can tell she REALLY likes me. She lives an hour away from me and is going to graduate school in August 1.5 hours away from me where I will only get to see her on weekends. Its just the right timing for either of us.

 

It sounds like hurting her is inevitable..... And I can't stand that.

[Edmund Exley]

^^ this above is perfect

[blgmike2]

^^ this above is perfect

 

were you referring to me? or the previous poster?

[Tanzi]

I think there's a moral in this story don't you? Why not wait until you are over your ex before you start "looking to be in a serious committed relationship."

 

You said you don't want to force yourself to stay with her but, really, what you did was force yourself into a relationship you weren't ready for.

 

In answer to your question, just tell her the truth. Honesty is always the best policy but however you break up with her, she is still going to be crushed. Hence why the moral of this situation is rather an important one.

[blgmike2]

I know know that a-little-blue.

 

I AM ready for a relationship, but after talking it over with some friends, she just wasnt the right one to help me get over my ex. We rushed into a relationship yes, but I am confident that I will find someone better than my ex some where down the line. I now know to really think about what I am doing before entering a relationship. Unfortunately, in this situation, someone has to get hurt for me to realize that.

 

I once again say, I HATE hurting people...

[laninaperdida]

I think there's a moral in this story don't you? Why not wait until you are over your ex before you start "looking to be in a serious committed relationship."

 

Ideally, this is the right thing to do, yes.

However, I won't ever deprive myself of companionship, sex, dates, etc., just because I still want my X.

This may make me a bad person, but YOLO, lol.

I'm not spending Friday nights alone even though Chris* is inviting me to dinner/drinks just because I don't want a BF.

I'll tell the guy I'm not ready for a relationship, he can proceed @ his own risk...

If his feelings get hurt, too bad.

 

OP: You're going to hurt her, that's inevitable. As long as you learn from it, you're not a bad person... You're not an *******. Just make sure you do not enable future behaviour with a girl you're uncertain of.

[lemondust]

I know know that a-little-blue.

 

I AM ready for a relationship, but after talking it over with some friends, she just wasnt the right one to help me get over my ex. We rushed into a relationship yes, but I am confident that I will find someone better than my ex some where down the line. I now know to really think about what I am doing before entering a relationship. Unfortunately, in this situation, someone has to get hurt for me to realize that.

 

I once again say, I HATE hurting people...

 

I'm sorry but, it's not other people's responsibility to help you get over anything. It's up to you to get over your ex on your own.

[Edmund Exley]

were you referring to me? or the previous poster?

 

Sorry, Laninaperdida's post. Yours went up in between.

[Tanzi]

I won't ever deprive myself of companionship, sex, dates, etc., just because I still want my X.

 

Never said anyone had to.

 

Nevertheless, I still think unless you are completely over your ex there is little point in trying to commit yourself to a relationship. All you are effectively doing is trying to fill a void and, in situations like this, people make the wrong choices and choose someone who isn't suitable for them in their need to fill that void. When your heart is healed you will be able to make rational, clear and right choices.

 

Never said you couldn't have fun in the meantime though, as long as you aren't dragging someone into something you are ready for.

[Tanzi]

I know know that a-little-blue.

 

I AM ready for a relationship, but after talking it over with some friends, she just wasnt the right one to help me get over my ex. We rushed into a relationship yes, but I am confident that I will find someone better than my ex some where down the line. I now know to really think about what I am doing before entering a relationship. Unfortunately, in this situation, someone has to get hurt for me to realize that.

 

I once again say, I HATE hurting people...

 

You may well be ready for a relationship but you heart isn't healed enough to let anyone else in at the moment. Trying to find a partner to help you get over an ex is just a recipe for disaster.

[blgmike2]

I understand where you guys are coming from. I know I have to heal myself. I want to meet people, I am ready to start dating. But im not breaking up with her STRICTLY because I am not fully healed. I am breaking up with her because I see no future with her. I look at her more as a friend. And then here going to grad school and being close to 2 hours away from me. Its not the right time in my life nor hers to be seeing each other.

[laninaperdida]

Never said anyone had to.

 

Nevertheless, I still think unless you are completely over your ex there is little point in trying to commit yourself to a relationship. All you are effectively doing is trying to fill a void and, in situations like this, people make the wrong choices and choose someone who isn't suitable for them in their need to fill that void. When your heart is healed you will be able to make rational, clear and right choices.

 

Never said you couldn't have fun in the meantime though, as long as you aren't dragging someone into something you are ready for.

 

Even when you tell & show them, I find people think they can change you or you'll eventually come around.

*Sigh.*

I'm ready for a relationship when I'm ready for a relationship, lol.

[lemondust]

I understand where you guys are coming from. I know I have to heal myself. I want to meet people, I am ready to start dating. But im not breaking up with her STRICTLY because I am not fully healed. I am breaking up with her because I see no future with her. I look at her more as a friend. And then here going to grad school and being close to 2 hours away from me. Its not the right time in my life nor hers to be seeing each other.

 

That's understandable, and you are by no means a bad person in any way, shape or form, just human. However, you know how it feels to be hurt, so handle this in the same way you would want it to be handled if you were on the 'dumping' end. I'm sure this girl is a fantastic woman in her own right, just not right for you.

[blgmike2]

Nicely said lemondust. She is a great girl, fantastic person. Just not the right one for me. And again, unforatuntly it took me about a month to realize that and now I am going to end up hurting her.... Because I have been on the dumping end, I am going to feel so SHlTTY hurting her....

[lemondust]

Nicely said lemondust. She is a great girl, fantastic person. Just not the right one for me. And again, unforatuntly it took me about a month to realize that and now I am going to end up hurting her.... Because I have been on the dumping end, I am going to feel so SHlTTY hurting her....

 

The fact you anticipate feeling bad for doing this shows how much of a good person you are, and shows you have a lot of respect for this girl. There is no wrong in ending a relationship....the problem tends to be in how people end it. Honest, clarity and respect are always best.....no confusion or mixed messages, and definitely no blame or harsh words.

 

There are valuable insights and lessons in all things.

[Tanzi]

Even when you tell & show them, I find people think they can change you or you'll eventually come around.

*Sigh.*

I'm ready for a relationship when I'm ready for a relationship, lol.

 

Well, if your honest, then I guess they proceed at their own peril but if they really like you they will see themselves as the one who "saves" you. If you really aren't over your ex it is probably best to avoid putting yourself , and them, in that predicament.

 

When I split up from my previous ex I had two guy friends (I hadn't known them long, admittedly) who both said they would come round to cheer me up on separate occasions on nights when I didn't feel like going out with a particular group of friends. The first time, I remember thinking how nice that was, until the guy tried to kiss me. The second time, I said no, but he insisted and turned up anyway. This guy also made an awkward lunge at me. The thing is, as much as I wanted to love and be loved, if the person isn't right or if I am not over my ex, it just plain turns my stomach!!

[Ms Darcy]

I AM ready for a relationship, but after talking it over with some friends, she just wasnt the right one to help me get over my ex. We rushed into a relationship yes, but I am confident that I will find someone better than my ex some where down the line.

 

I understand if and when relationships don't work out. It happens. But it's disingenous to start saying all of this stuff when you were NEVER emotionally available in the first place.

 

People incorrectly think that they just need to find a better girl to 'get over' the ex. So they lazily lay back, expecting magical feelings to emerge for the new person. So they go from relationship to relationship claiming no 'spark.'

 

It would be very annoying if you said to her: "Well I told you from day one we need to take it slow." Take it slow means take it slow. It doesn't mean "I am not over my ex, and I would go back to her in a heartbeat, but I want regular sex." Getting into a relatioship is a promise that you are ready to commit ... yet you considered responding to your ex's message and (in the thread) you said how much you still wanted to be with her. In what universe is that 'ready for a relationship?'

 

So yes, you do hold some culpability for leading her on. You have to be brutally honest. I would have taken let's take it slow, getting into a relationship, sex (which I assume you are having with this girl), meeting the parents as signs that you are comfortable with more. Because ... (taken together) they ARE the standard signs you are ready for more.

 

The culpability isn't just because you didn't realize how unready you are. The culpability is from people SAYING DIRECTLY that you were not ready for a relationship and yet you went for it anyway. I think ignoring that led you to hurt a person when you didn't really need to.