Husband has sex with me when he thought I was passed out

[Grace26]

Thank you. I did explain, what happened after I started coming to. I was to me very drunk, as I have two kids under five we don't go out much anymore, so out of practice. But I think people think I was so drunk I couldn't remember my name! Not true, all in all I had about five vodka and cokes, not enough to be blind drunk, but enough for me to feel spiny and go straight into a deep sleep. I do need to talk to him, but it's also v scary to think when it comes out, everything is going to change.

[Angel Irulan]

wow so he raped you.

 

personally i would be consulting with a lawyer and drawing up some divorce papers because he just raped and disrespsected you and your body

 

In the context of marriage, some women might think that's kind of hot! The point is, she's not sure how she feels about it. Sounds so far like it was an epic marital sex fail on both of their sides. My guess is he won't try that particular stunt again.

 

Angel

[lavenderdove]

btw, i'm not judging you... i'm trying to point out that there is a very good chance there is an alternate explanation to what may have happened and if you believe your husband is a good man and unlikely to do this then perhaps the other explanation may be what happened. I would hate to see you wreck your marriage to a good man by jumping to the wrong conclusion and making a false assumption about something that could have another very valid explanation, a drunken blackout where you consented, passed out, slept for a bit, then re-awakened not remembering your consent.

 

But if you genuinely believe deep down that he's a rapist and capable of raping you against your will or consent, then by all means, you should leave him.

[Furbys]

Of course things will change but isn't this better than you never having the talk with him? I understand how difficult of a situation it is because you have a family and you never would of thought your husband would do this. But unless there is communication then nothing can be resolved.

 

I think you need to give it some more time to sink in. Have some time away from him in a separate room and think about what you want to say to him. Write it down on some paper so it is clear on your mind what you want to say. This way you can have the talk with him and ask him all the questions that are on your mind.

[Grace26]

Lavender dove. U clearly don't understand. I am a sensible geriatric nurse and mum of two. I don't need to be patronised. Please don't waste anymore of our time. All the best.

[Grace26]

Thank you, you r right. We were going to go to his mums tomorrow, think I'll pretend to b ill and stay home. It's hard having time to think with my girls on the go all the time! Then I can quietly try and find the right words.

[agent1607307371]

Afterwards, I heard him whisper 'terrible' at me and then he went into the bathroom, leaving me spread out completely naked on the bed,

 

Lets be real here, if he thought for one minute that you were awake and aware, he would never have done that.

 

This is the full stop on his disrespect for you as a person.

 

I don't know how to advise you about your marriage in this, but I feel 100% that this action makes it clear he knew you were not with him.

[Purusha]

Hi Grace,

 

I want to start by saying that I was raped in a relationship so I know where you're coming from, although it was done in an entirely different manner than you've described I get how it's totally messed with your head and altered the way you see your husband and your relationship.

 

As other posters have said, it's imperative that you get to talk to him about this in some way to resolve how this has changed things for you. As you've said, he's otherwise a kind and caring man and may well have thought that he could get away with it without your ever finding out, however this says a lot in terms of the boundaries and respect you thought you had in your relationship and this needs to be sorted out.

 

Think carefully about how you want to approach this, whether you want someone to take the kids out for you so that you have a good amount of time to talk about what happened without them being in ears reach and give you both time enough to think and talk things through, or whether you need some time out alone to sort through your emotions before talking to him.

 

This may be resolvable, but you can't know that without dealing with it on some level first and seeing how you feel afterwards.

 

Whatever happens, do what's best for you and pay utmost attention to how you feel, be kind to yourself and give yourself the time that you need.

 

Wishing you all the best xx

[Grace26]

Thank you so much for understanding.and I'm so sorry you went through such a horrible time. Last night I sent him a private email, telling him I Knew what he did nd how angry and confused I was. He admitted everything this morning, but with no explanation of why. I can barely look at him. We have to b all smiles today as we're visiting his mum for Easter bank holiday, and the girls r so excited. It's going to be hard, if I was on my own I would have run for the hills by now. I'm thinking I would like to go and stay with my best friend for a couple of days, if I can get the money together (she lives quite far away) then I will. You're right, I need time and space to try and make any sense out of this.

[Purusha]

Hi Grace,

 

No worries at all - it was a long time ago for me so doesn't affect me now, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that what you feel is totally understandable.

 

Good for you for confronting him about it, that takes courage so you should feel very proud of yourself for not letting it slip under the carpet. It's the most important step and will give you the ability to talk about it openly.

 

That's great that you're planning on getting some space, it's hard to think when you've got children to consider and attend to, and as far as they're concerned it can just be mummy going on a little holiday to see a friend.

 

If you want to work on this with him do consider getting some help to build up the trust and understanding as it may be difficult to do this alone, and if you feel you can't go any further with this relationship don't feel guilty, you need to do what's best for you whatever that involves.

 

I hope you get the space that you need with your friend and start to feel better soon - good luck with everything and take good care of yourself xx

[Grace26]

Thank you, you've been such a help. It's great to know I'm not alone. X

[superfan]

I just read this thread and while I cannot empathise, I do feel for you.

 

What happened to you (by his own admission) was not a mistake. It was rape. Don't kid yourself - rape CAN and DOES happen within the context of a marriage. And that is what has happened here. You said that you did not have the ability to communicate or tell him no - that is rape.

 

Trying to make excuses or victim blame (like saying the OP was drunk and therefore gave some kind of drunken consent or that she doesn't remember so it can't be rape) is exactly the kind of attitude that perpetuates rape culture and makes it so difficult for victims to come forward - especially when it was committed by someone they know and trust.

 

It makes it so much harder because this is a man you chose to share your life with. Someone you trusted and loved and never believed would willingly hurt you. And yet you know what he is capable of. No matter what anyone else says, this was NOT your fault OP. It doesn't matter if you had drunk the entire bar dry - any man who has sex with a woman who cannot give full consent has taken advantage of her and in this case, he raped you.

 

What you decide to do with that is obviously up to you. I know you said you won't go to the police, and that would have been my advice because this is a crime and one I believe he should be punished for. What if he does it again? Can you ever trust him again?

 

I know you have said he is a good father and therefoer that makes it harder, but can you stay with a man who has absolutely no respect for you or your body? Can you stay with someone who would willingly violate you like that?

 

These are questions only you can answer. I would advise seeking some professional counseling to help you deal with all the after emotions you are obviously going to be going through.

 

Whatever happens, good luck.

[Grace26]

Thank you for your input. It did make me very angry when some members tried to imply I was too drunk to know what had happened. He has taken full responsibility now, and actually said he wouldn't blame me if I went to the police. Then moments later he's talking about taking our daughters somewhere fun together on Wednesday (his day off) its like he's done his grovelling and now presumes it'll all be forgotten and we'll move on. I still don't know whether I can. Told him if we stand any chance w must get therapy and if it doesn't solve anything, we'll call it a day. I've also made it quite clear that he must not lay a finger on me until then and my daughter is sleeping in bed with me, just so I can know for sure he won't come in. Your question can I stay with a man who violated me, even if I believe he'll never do it again, I honestly don't think I will. Lets face it, if I didn't have children with him I would have packed my bags by now.

[superfan]

It is NEVER EVER EVER your fault when someone lays a hand on you without your consent. So many people have this misconception that if it is a marriage, it can't be rape. It can. It is. It doesn't matter how drunk you are - ever. If you are not able to say 'yes', then you have not given consent. It is possible he did not realize the severity of what he has done, but that doesn't mean he hasn't done it.

 

I truly hope you are able to get past this - whatever choice you decide to make.

[Capricorn3]

I pretended to remain passed out and hoped he'd finish quick and cover me back over.

Why did you do this?? I think you could have saved yourself a lot of grief if you had just told him, "NO, not now", instead of pretending to be passed out, when you were AWARE of what he was doing and let him continue. I just don't understand it.

[Grace26]

In hind sight I wish I had, but I just froze. I'm still in shock now. Looking back, even if I gad pushed him off the damage would still have been done. If it had carried on much longer I think I would hav come to my senses and pushed him off. I don't think anyone knows for sure how'd they would react. Don't forget, this is my husband, who I used to trust most in the world, not a stranger who I def would have screamed the place down.

[Purusha]

Agreed, how you react in your head and when it happens are two different things - shock's a weird beast, in your head you're the ninja queen of course!

 

It sounds like he doesn't totally grasp what he's done, and it can be hard (I found even women find it difficult to understand which really surprised me) to see why, if you have sex with the person anyway, it's a big deal.

 

As you've said initially, you've been violated in the most intimate and vulnerable situation by someone you thought you could trust, and who you thought respects and loves you.

 

I still think taking the bull by the horns and getting some space is a good idea to try and get your head together, and bear in mind also that if you want to work on this that he may need help understanding what his actions have done as it doesn't sound like he's there, or that he's trying to normalise things by acting as if things are as they always were, which of course is going to make you feel trivialised.

 

You'll have to take the bull by the horns here and do what you need to do with you, and I really agree that therapy is a good option, even if you don't stay together for you to be able to communicate this in an effective way it's really important for you to deal with. Get in a position where you feel stronger and it will make things easier to deal with the day to day.

[superfan]

In hind sight I wish I had, but I just froze. I'm still in shock now. Looking back, even if I gad pushed him off the damage would still have been done. If it had carried on much longer I think I would hav come to my senses and pushed him off. I don't think anyone knows for sure how'd they would react. Don't forget, this is my husband, who I used to trust most in the world, not a stranger who I def would have screamed the place down.

 

I think it's hard for people to understand why people have different reactions than they would to certain situations. My brother attacked me at New Years a few years ago and put a whole the size of a basketball through my door. My friend and I left the house and ran to a hotel where we stayed the night. I SHOULD have called the police (and many criticized me because I didn't) but at the time, I was just in too much shock to consider it and because it was a relative, I felt they would not take me seriously.

 

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I woke up and found my husband doing something like that to me. I can totally understand why you would freeze or go into shock over it. And you are right - the damage would have been done no matter what you did. He still violated you - regardless of how far he got.

 

Just because you have had sex with him before, does not give him the right to have sex with you when you are passed out or against your will. Nothing you did here was your fault - not being drunk, not laying still, nothing. Do not let other people's opinions lessen the severity of this.

[Standbyme555]

I'm not going to go to the police. Whatever mistake he has made with me, he is still a brilliant dad, and I'm not putting the kids through that. I guess, as its only just happened I'm trying to get my head round it. Unless he admits what he did and begs my forgiveness, then, I'll never get over this, and have to end it.

 

 

 

You said you guys were very very drunk. Maybe he doesn't remember? You should definitely confront him, im sure he'll feel terrible and have some sort of explanation. But.. Its YOUR body.

[Standbyme555]

Perfect response!

[faerietale]

I'm sorry if I'm not understanding your story correctly, but I don't see why people are so quick to jump to the conclusion that this is rape and that you need to divorce him.

 

You said you both were drunk. While I don't agree that negative actions should be justified by mass consumption of alcohol, I can understand that perhaps because you are his wife, it was his birthday, and he had a lot to drink, he didn't think it was big deal that he wanted to "get some." Maybe to him, he thought, "my hot wife is lying here and I want sex, but she's asleep. This sucks but I still want her." And then he went for it. I could understand the discomfort you felt waking up, after blacking out, to see someone having sex with you, but if this is your husband and he hasn't done this before, why is it such a catastrophe for you? Also, maybe you DID consent to it somehow and you don't remember. There are multiple explanations as to why this happened and you're always going to be questioning it unless you ask him about it. If he didn't think of it as a big deal, maybe to him, he only saw it as him wanting to have sex with his wife and he was just too drunk to realize that you were passed out, but maybe since he wanted you so much, he didn't care and didn't think you would either.

[faerietale]

Also, I am APPALLED and disgusted by those who ALWAYS jump to the conclusion that people need to break up, divorce etc without understanding the full story. People come here for support and are presenting just one side of the relationship. They are not here to have people throw it back in their faces and tell them the worse of the situations.

[lukeb]

If the OP is deeply disturbed by what happened regardless of how anyone feels or anyone's opinion it needs to be dealt with. I would think though that when you have a young family the days when you are getting skunk drunk out of your mind would be behind you. Does it mean that it is her fault? No. The problem is it comes as little comfort, best not to find yourself in that predicament to begin with.

[Not a rookie]

Every human being's most important duty, regardless if it is a man or woman, is to protect and guard themselves. If you don't, who is going to do that for you?

Getting drunk out of your mind is one way you can put yourself in harm's way.

What if you got drunk elsewhere, you were alone and got gang-raped? God forbid.

Please be more responsible with yourself and alcohol.

Your hubby probably did not mean any harm, he probably thought you guys were having drunk sex. Remember he was also really drunk and was not sober when he did that.

[Scotcha]

Is it at all possible he realized you were conscious? (It's pretty hard to pretend to be asleep/it's pretty easy to tell when someone isn't really asleep) It could explain both his rather nasty comment and not responding when you apologized for not having sex.