buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Hi all, I am new to this site and would like some clear headed advice. My boyfriend is in his later 30's, and so am I? We have been together for almost & 7 years. We lived together at one point but seperated. He has his own apartment, but it is small, run down, and in a bad neighborhood. We have trust issues over some things he has done in the past but this has gotten better recently. About 10 days ago he starts talking about getting an apartment with his superior at work, then decides against it quickly. so figured it was a dead topic. then four days later he is applying and signing a lease! talk about a rush. So I was bothered that he seemed to rush into something so important without forethought. A pattern of his that I had hoped would change. I told him it was too fast and he didn't know this guy or how it would work. He vows that he knows him cause he has worked with him for 8 months! They don't hang out at all. He said that the appeal to doing this is he pays same amount of money for a nicer place and this guy is suppose to be deployed in a few months for a year and half and this guy's benefits will still pay half the rent. So sounds too good to be true. The catch revealed itself a few days ago. Apparently his girlfriend stays with him too and my boyfriend was not aware of this. And they are both in their early 20's. Then when my boyfriend tells him he isn't comfortable living with another woman the guy announces his girlfriend is pregnant and they knew this when lease was signed because they had been trying to have a baby. I don't feel this situation is right at all. It makes no sense. And seems like nothing but a headache. I don't like the idea of him living there with another woman. I know crap happens and you shouldn't put yourself in questionable situations especially when trying to rebuild a relationship. But to break lease now would complicate his job. So now what? should I be the understanding girlfriend or stick to what I believe, which is he got himself into this mess with his impulsiveness and now he needs to get himself out. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Why have you been his gf for 7 years? Is marriage not on the table? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I think you should avoid giving unsolicited advice or telling him anything he already knows. If you trust him it shouldn't matter. If you don't you shouldn't be with him. I don't think it's your place to say or do anything more. Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 You can't "tell" your boyfriend to do anything. He is his own person. You can tell him it bothers you and communicate it with him. But his decisions are his to make. I agree with the above...7 years is a long time to be with someone, especically with trust issues in the relationship. Is there no form of more committment between you two? I would say build the trust first. Just rememeber, you can't "tell" him to do anything. How would you feel if you told him you were going to move forward with something in your life and he started telling you what to do? Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 If he wants to get out of the lease, he can. Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Marriage is not in the near future. We have had a lot of issues in the past. I've put up with more than I can even believe. But refused to keep trying a year ago and broke it off. He promised change and over time, I decided to give him another chance. He has been doing much better and trying to make better choices about his future. But there are still things that have to be dealt with in his life before I put myself back in that situation. And do I trust him? more than I did, but not enough yet. He's cheated in the past. Link to comment
Nature girl Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 If I were you I would be finding happy things to do with my time rather than worry bout him. He's a grown ass man. Just sayin. Have a drink, leave him alone for a while and see if he comes to you. A womans silence is her loudest cry. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Honey, honey, honey. I think your biggest issue with this guy is that you can't trust him. In seven years he can't get his stuff together and be the man you need him to be? I think this is just a symptom of the overarching problem that he's not really on a mature wavelength. I am sure you would like a guy who plans, thinks in advance, doesn't rush, is stable and responsible, and faithful!!! .... But this guy ain't those things. And he's certainly not planning a future with you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Sometimes the best roommates are people who are not our best friends. honestly, the best roommate I had we didn't share friends - we exchanged pleasant small talk and had opposite schedules.It is up to him to decide if its acceptable to have this roomie or not. They have to figure it out themselves. If you are not marrying or moving in - why do you care? BTW, he is not "living with another woman" - he is moving in with a couple or a soon to be family. He will be the third wheel. It is up to him to unravel this one, not you. Also, about your relationship - if there are deep trust issues after 7 years - why not leave this relationship to find a relationship that is going somewhere? Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 We are committed to eachother. We use to live together but he ran off and left me a dear john letter, came back and begged for another chance. Over time, with his persistence, I decided to give it another try. But it has been hard to trust him with my heart. he knows how I feel about the apartment situation and if the situation were reversed he wouldn't like it at all. He says if he would have known about the woman moving in then he wouldn't have signed the lease. But it is, what it is. Link to comment
MyNinja Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Deep trust issues still after 7 years? Seems like a lost cause at this point. Let him move in if he so desires. If it happens that it was a mistake in doing so it will all be on him. Don't waste your energy on something you really can't control. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 I think everyone is surprised you would keep trying with such deep issues after 7 years. How old are you? Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 Funny, after this event. I could see him coming home one day if we got married saying " honey! I sold the house" I do feel he lacks in all of those areas. He keeps saying he is those things, but truthfully i have only seen a little of those in the past year. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 Funny, after this event. I could see him coming home one day if we got married saying " honey! I sold the house" I do feel he lacks in all of those areas. He keeps saying he is those things, but truthfully i have only seen a little of those in the past year. No comparison -his money and living situation are his to change or not. When you're married you make those decisions together. Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 getting too old to waste time. I am 37. I was married for 16 years. this is my second relationship. He has changed some, but I don't know if he can do enough. been working on it for about a year now. just get tired of trying and waiting for trust to build enough. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 He just seems not only to not think, but also to not think of you. I would not like that in a relationship. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 You are NOT committed. If you were, you would be engaged or if not and just dating, you would both choose living situations where the other one would feel comfortable coming over or you would be living or buying something individually that would bring you closer - either someone buying something they could see you both living in but not yet, something that is a starter that has resale value for when they sold it because they planned to be with you. Or whatever. Most couples progressively become more committed and not less committed. 7 years is long enough for the relationship to either be awesome and for wedding plans to happen or to realize that you are running on the same hamster wheel - the same one from the previous 6 years. Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 well, according to him, when it suits him, we should make decisions together. but he says that when it doesn't suit him. Link to comment
HeatherB Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 So your boyfriend is voluntarily volunteering to live with some strange pregnant woman while her man's off deployed somewhere for a year and a half? Then later, a new baby in the place crying all the time? He should be paying waaay less than half the rent in exchange for all this. In fact, they should pay him. Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 20, 2013 Author Share Posted March 20, 2013 He is assuming the girl will leave when the guy leaves. He really didn't look into this much at all. Link to comment
HeatherB Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 He is assuming the girl will leave when the guy leaves. He really didn't look into this much at all. Just stop advising him about it then. Sometimes you gotta let people live and learn. It's the only way they get wiser. Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 He is wanting some assurrance that I won't end it over this. I can't promise that. My trust will be tested. and maybe it is time for that test. to see if the work has been worth it. He said he doesn't want to break the lease and owe the penalty and risk the consequence at work. But he don't want to lose me either. He and I both have agreed that living with the opposite sex is a no no. Been there, done that. It was a rule in our relationship. But he states he didn't know. So he wants me to "bend" on this because he was not informed. He keeps giving me the "I'm so stressed out" speech, and all the consequences of breaking it. and then he even mentioned keeping the apartment but staying at my house most of the time. I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to know what to do. But he can't seem to figure it out by himself. He just keeps talking about how "life sucks", and he is about to "crack". Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 I told him it was too fast and he didn't know this guy or how it would work. He vows that he knows him cause he has worked with him for 8 months! well, that's ironic. he knows that this friend of 8 months is ok to move in with, but is still unsure of his gf of 7 years...... i feel (IMHO) that two people in their late 30s who have been dating for 7 years should be the ones moving in together... not two bachelors. maybe it's just time to break things off...? Link to comment
buterkup Posted March 21, 2013 Author Share Posted March 21, 2013 he wants to move in together, I don't. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 he wants to move in together, I don't. Good move on your part. So...do you think he is getting back at you by involving himself in a crazy situation? Or to say "NO! Move in with ME instead.." Honestly, I don't understand why you are sticking with him. The "promise you won't break up with me over this" is manipulation on his part big time. Don't promise a thing. And don't fall for it. Link to comment
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