Constantly being judged by my BF's family

[lovinggirl]

Ever since my bf told his family he wants to marry me next summer. I've been invited to have dinner with them and during the dinner, they were asking me questions non-stop.

The dad is more about my family background, but the mom and big brother more about my job.

I felt like I was being judged. I asked my bf if his mom said anything after every meeting. I know my bf wasn't completely honest with me and his mom must have said a lot of mean things about me. The first meeting his mom said I wore too much make up and I always wanted to look pretty in front of my bf. I was defensive and told him, "Oh, it's a sin now to be wanting to look pretty in front of my bf? And it comes from a woman who wears a lot of make up herself!" His mom is 70 yo and wears a lot of make up too for a woman her age. My bf didn't say anything but I really regretted it because I know she's still his mom and I did sound disrespectful and judgy also.

The second meeting since she asked a lot about my job, she commented that she worried I don't make a stable income because I work as a sales. She said "You have to make sure your wife helps you financially so all the burdens not only on your shoulder". Oh my gosh, my bf is a dentist and he makes much more than me and I'm not a high maintenance like Beverly Hills' wives. Why would she be worried about this?

I made another comment said, "Your mom sounds so materialistic"

He got upset again. Well, I really don't know what to say anymore. I actually started to think, do I really want to be part of this kind of family who the mom is always trying to find any flaws in me that she could find. But my bf always comforts me telling me that she's doing that not because of me but because of her issue of letting go his sons.

I know his mom is not a bad person either. She's generous, thoughtful and compassionate with all other people except me.

 

Sigh, I really don't know how to talk to my bf about this and not offend him.

[DN]

I don't think she is wise in telling you her thoughts and worries, but they are hers and are valid for her.

Oh my gosh, my bf is a dentist and he makes much more than me

For instance, she is probably worried that if you two were to divorce, her son would end up paying you alimony, child-support or whatever.

 

I think you would be better not to go to war with her over this but demonstrate over time that her concerns are unnecessary.

[Fudgie]

I think if you want to be a part of this family, you shouldn't tell your boyfriend your thoughts on his mom. He could easily tell her and that would make the whole situation worse.

 

I feel ya, in-laws suck. Best thing to do is just suck it up. I think with time, once she sees that you're not going anywhere, she will probably back off a little bit. But all you can really do is wait.

[becomingkate]

I felt like I was being judged.

 

You probably were being judged, but I don't see where they said anything bad about you; make-up is completely subjective anyway, unless you're wearing Kardashian-type make-up. And it's very important to a parent to know that your son/daughter is going to marry a partner who helps out in all ways, which includes financially.

 

If his parents had said you had a big mouth, or dressed like a tramp, or called you dumb or something similar, then I'd say you have a right to be upset. But these are normal concerns that you will have over your own children some day.

 

Try not to be offended. If you marry this man, these people will be around for a long time!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are some men who will only marry someone who they know will fit in with their parents mindset to the letter...pleasing mom and dad in their choice of partner becomes more important than who the partner is. As long as your boyfriend takes his mother's comments with a grain of salt then you have nothing to worry about. The best thing you can do is to try as best as you can to take it with a grain of salt rather than say anything nasty about her to your partner. It is clear from her attitude that you are not likely to ever get along with her.. she is 70 years old and is not likely to change...if you plan on marrying your bf then you need to work out how best to cope with her attitude and just let it glide off your back.

[Fudgie]

Maybe this makes you feel better but....think of this, you may not get along with her ever but if she's in her 70s, she may not be around that long anyway. In law parents don't last forever.

[Snny]

OP, I remember you. You have had problems with this guy since last summer about him sticking close to his family and allowing them to wreck his relationship with you. ENA members in the past have warned you about this... so this behavior should not be a surprise to you.

 

This is who he is. Wake up. If he isn't putting his foot down on them now, then he's definitely not going to while he's married to you. Fine, he got upset... but he isn't doing S about it either. He has absolutely NO backbone when it comes to dealing with his family. His family will not stop picking on you until he draws the line with them and makes it clear to them that he's not going to tolerate it.

 

No offense... let him go. I don't see this relationship getting better since these same problems keep coming.

 

But my bf always comforts me telling me that she's doing that not because of me but because of her issue of letting go his sons.

I can recall you once telling us that your boyfriend is 40 years old. The fact he cannot stand up to her now... no way. This is a petty excuse, IMO. if she's this capable of controlling your boyfriend... JUST WAIT until you are married and she will try to control your marriage.

 

Maybe this makes you feel better but....think of this, you may not get along with her ever but if she's in her 70s, she may not be around that long anyway. In law parents don't last forever.

It's still no excuse to put up with family members bullying her (and our senior member Victoria can chime in on this one). If it doesn't get better, it invites TENSION into your marriage. The OP's marriage will eventually be severely damaged and she will be left unhappy- especially if the spouse refuses to handle his parents.

 

So what if they decide to have children and they are still around? The OP can't avoid them either.

[Batya33]

I think you have to stop criticizing/judging his mom to your boyfriend especially in the defensive way you do it. I agree that they're behaving in a difficult way but please try to kill them with kindness - you're marrying the whole package here, ok? My in laws are in their 80s and I've known them for many years (with an 8-year gap in between when my husband and I broke up while bf/gf) -and I've known how close he is with them and still is.

 

It makes life much nicer if you can get along and act with kindness and grace. I'm lucky in that I love my in-laws and am especially close with my mother in law and my husband gets along great with my parents. I wouldn't count on the "oh they're in their 70s" -they could easily live another 20 years and it could be that a significant amount of that time will involve your husband as caretaker in some way so get ready for that to (as I type this my husband has been gone since Tuesday taking care of his parents hundreds of miles away while I cared for our young child who is sick with no help- so you need to be ready for sacrifices like that). Start today to have a cordial relationship, be supportive of your bf's relationship and if something disrespectful is said do your best to brush it off and find a calm way to tell your boyfriend later if it hurt you - but only if it's a huge deal to you. Just my two cents.