How to go into no-contact when she's texting me daily?

[theanonymoose]

Hi folks,

 

I'm going to keep this pretty nice and simple. I met a girl online from the other side of the country, and we started chatting as friends - this was about October. Things kept escalating, and about the start of November we begun to realise that we had an amazing level of similarity, and our feelings were intensifying. Around the time she started realising this, she broke up with her partner. At the start of the year she was waiting to see if she got into university over here - and she did - but a few weeks before she was due to fly over... her ex killed himself. Of course, the decision was all him, but she was certainly a catalyst, so this obviously played with her emotions quite heavily. She still decided to come over here as she didn't want to just abandon something that could potentially be quite significant, but after an awesome first few days, it quickly became apparent that her head was a bit of a mess, and she wasn't ready for anything (this was about 3-4 weeks ago now; even just last Friday she posted on FB about the death of her ex still being extremely hard). So at this point, we're definitely just friends.

 

That's pretty much the summary of my situation. I'm not going to hold my breath for anything down the track - who knows what the future will bring - but I do want to put myself in a position to allow something to happen, if we really are well suited for each other. A few sites and guides have suggested a "no contact" approach, which sounds great in theory. I'm sure I'm still a very important person in her life, and to go from being there to not could definitely swing the power back in my favour. Beyond that, it will help me get over her - something I definitely want to do, regardless of what may happen in the future - and will allow me to focus more on myself. However, there's an issue - at this point, I'm not contacting her - she's contacting me. Pretty much every day. Just for small things, or a little chat, or whatever. The way I've seen NC suggested most times is to just stop talking to them, until they crack down and contact you - but in this case, she's already contacting me, and if I just stop replying I feel like I'll come accross as rude. Right now I'm usually taking my time with replies and not being overly friendly or happy to hear from her (not being rude or cold though), but yeah, this definitely isn't "no contact".

 

What do people think? Should I just stop replying, or make replies take longer and longer until she calls me on it or gets the idea? Should I actually tell her that I want her to leave me alone for a bit? Or in my situation, should I just keep being friends with her? While I'm not opposed to the idea of staying friends with her, I don't want her to get used to us just being awesome friends, and nothing more. And I don't want her to think she can just keep me around as a maybe or a backup. While even after NC I'll have to escalate from an initial friends level, with things having just died down I feel like it'd take so long at the moment that she might get too used to having me as just a friend. NC definitely seems like the best approach to allow for anything that could happen to actually happen, but I'm open to all suggestions.

 

Thanks for any input, very appreciated!

 

The Anony-moose

[Ms Darcy]

I think you are overthinking and being rude. He ex killed himself and you are talking about having power in the situation? Real sensitive. I would just tell her you need some space and hope she can get support from others and you look forward to checking in again in the future.

 

Do not use nc as a way to manipulate the situation. Just ne honest and try to move on.

[theanonymoose]

I'm not trying to overthink and be rude. She definitely needs time. But she has the power at the moment as I made it pretty clear through my actions that I wanted her more than she wanted me (and rightfully so; she had that event decrease her feelings, but mine didn't). I know she has enough support without me around. I'm mainly considering our potential as a couple, and want to put myself in a position where, with better timing, it can be realised. It may not happen, of course, and if it doesn't then picking up the friendship should be a simple matter.

 

While I hate the game, and up until now this has been the first girl I feel like I didn't have to play the game with - I feel like these unfortunate circumstances have put me in a position where if I want to eventually see what can happen with this girl, I can't ignore the psychology involved.

[Ms Darcy]

Again with the power thing. Adults in long lasting relationships don't play games. If games worked long term you wouldn't be single.

[MrWallFlower]

Yeah, having the ex kill himself is going to make her rethink things but that doesn't mean she isn't interested in you. In fact, she seems very interested in you from what you describe. I'm sure she's grieving. I'm sure she feels like she's to blame. That's to be expected. You should not be going NC or delaying your replies to her texts. You should be there 100% for her. Her ex is gone. You should be able to talk to her about the situation and not feel threatened. You say you want to get over her but you want something to happen. If you want something to happen then you need to be there for her. It would be one thing if she friend-zoned you but this sounds more like she is relationship-shy now. I imagine this was so traumatic for her that she now is cautious about relationships and is taking it slow. So be a friend to her and be there for her. She'll probably come around. If you go NC you are going to come off as selfish and needy--probably the way her ex was.

[Cherry1010]

If a guy nc me during this difficult time I wouldn't be very happy about that. I wouldn't talk to you again. Although she has support etc you need to still be there for her. Whether friend, dating or bf.

 

If you aren't there for her, it's selfish and yes, not replying and telling her how you feel is cowardly and pathetic.

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree with this. This isn't a time for no contact if you want her to come back to you.

[amipushy]

I agree with this. This isn't a time for no contact if you want her to come back to you.

 

I also agree. If you like her and hope for a future with her then nc is the worst thing you can do. Stop the power game.

 

If you are feeling sucked in by the events and she is 'taking you down' with her then thats your problem that you need to deal with. If you can be strong for her and lift her spirits at a time like this, she will always remember that. If you drop her at a time like this, its also something she is going to remember.

 

Nothing is guaranteed even if she falls madly in love with you. If you think she is worth it, then its a risk you are going to have to take.

[theanonymoose]

Thanks for the replies. Appreciated.

 

In this case, maybe I kept my explanation of events too simple. I know people hate essays and such. When she first came over we were trying to push through - the first few days were great without issue, then she started pulling away. Kept trying to persevere, and at a few points she pulled away a little further - til we got to the point we're at now. She hasn't ruled anything out, but at this stage we're definitely just friends (which I don't mind for now), but she also mentioned some stuff that we didn't sync with, which usually wouldn't raise an eyelid if there had actually been a honeymoon phase.

 

I guess I'm looking at it more like a breakup than a grieving friend because, well, we were trying, and circumstances were against us. Am I wrong?

[lostnscared]

Thanks for the replies. Appreciated.

 

In this case, maybe I kept my explanation of events too simple. I know people hate essays and such. When she first came over we were trying to push through - the first few days were great without issue, then she started pulling away. Kept trying to persevere, and at a few points she pulled away a little further - til we got to the point we're at now. She hasn't ruled anything out, but at this stage we're definitely just friends (which I don't mind for now), but she also mentioned some stuff that we didn't sync with, which usually wouldn't raise an eyelid if there had actually been a honeymoon phase.

 

I guess I'm looking at it more like a breakup than a grieving friend because, well, we were trying, and circumstances were against us. Am I wrong?

 

I think you need to keep in perspective that someone close to her committed suicide and she probably feels a good amount of guilt and grief which may be causing her confusion. My mom committed suicide in November. Anyone who seemed MIA or who wasn't supportive I cut out of my life. So if I had been dating a person who had thoughts similar to yours, and he went NC on me, I would CUT him out the moment I realized that he was no longer offering support or talking to me any longer. It's rude, it's insensitive and quite frankly mind boggling that this is your reaction to someone who is going through grief, guilt, and confusion. The last thing she needs is a person to play games with her. Now if you truly are doing NC to get over her, then plan on truly getting over her and accepting the fact that once you do this she probably WILL NOT want more from you or to even talk to you once she catches on to the NC. So think about what you want here:

A)To get over her and never talk to her again

B)To be with her at some point in time.

C) You aren't completely sure.

 

IF it's A) then yes do the NC. If it's B then you need to remain in contact with her, offer your support, be a friend and be patient---give her time to grieve. If you aren't sure what you want then take some steps back and really paint a picture of all the possible scenarios that could play out here(or that you'd like to play out) and decide which scenario you like best.

 

And yes I do think you are wrong... You guys did TRY, and circumstances might be challenging your relationship, but she is a GRIEVING friend period, which means that you need to take that into account. If before her "ex" committed suicide things were going completely different(and better) then accept that this death is effecting her and that she needs time, patience, and support before she'll feel comfortable trying again. If you cannot accept this, then just move on.

[theanonymoose]

Ok, I'm starting to get turned around on this. To mention one more thing though - right now, she doesn't have strong feelings for me, as anything more than a friend. She saw a few things that didn't click, but I'm certain that it's just the combination of a lack-of-honeymoon-phase and not wanting a relationship right now that didn't let her overlook them (like, I have a slightly higher energy level than her - I'm not high paced, she's not low paced, but she saw it - but the thing is, we were always having fun and our levels weren't so far apart that I could ever imagine a girl having an issue with it that early on).

 

So in terms of having a chance with her without drama, if that opportunity arises for us, she'd have to get over this, and I'd have to reignite the attraction from her. Of course, this could just happen naturally if we remain friends when she eventually gets over it. I guess I'm just trying to make sure I give us the best chance possible for something to happen down the track. Que sera sera, of course, but I've never been more certain of anything - we'd be extremely happy together, and could potentially marry each other (hell, she was talking about kids on the first night). I guess I'm just a little scared of us staying friends, her getting very used to it, then even when she starts moving on from her ex's death her not being able to find that attraction for me again because I hadn't been applying 'courting psychology' at all.

[benkuske]

1.) She's not in a place for a relationship right now (for real). You both know it

2.) I understand your concerns about getting friend-zoned. You're not trying to be insensitive or a player, you understand is a reality and all guys have been there and it sucks

3.) You say there is a "real" connection

 

My advice: be open and honest. Say you care for her and you realize this is hard. Why don't you put things on pause. If there is a real connection, say lets explore it in a few months when the timing is better. You want to be respectful to her and give her space, and you also want to protect yourself from getting emotionally involved in something when the time is wrong. If this has potential, you want to "do it right"

 

And then take a break.

 

If the connection is real, explore it then. This will be better for her, better for you, and avoid getting friend-zoned while also avoid putting you into the comforting friend role.

[amipushy]

My advice: be open and honest. Say you care for her and you realize this is hard. Why don't you put things on pause. If there is a real connection, say lets explore it in a few months when the timing is better. You want to be respectful to her and give her space, and you also want to protect yourself from getting emotionally involved in something when the time is wrong. If this has potential, you want to "do it right"

 

And then take a break.

 

Good advice, I suggest you take it.