I want to give up

[Silentlyfor]

I've tried and I've tried and I've tried. At 30, I think it's about to give up and I want. I so want to. I wanted to find somebody to love and to hold and grow old with. I wanted to have, not only the love of my life by my side, but my best friend. I want somebody that I can get married to and with whom I can have have a family. But, again, I'm 30. I'm not going to find that one person I'm meant to love; I waited way too long. I know that now. I want to give up but I keep convincing myself that the perfect one is out there. I keep saying "no! have hope! You'll find the perfect one if you wait for her!". The last relationship I was in was a year ago and it didn't even last that long.

 

I know what my future is going to be. I'm going to be alone. I'm going to imagine myself some balding, disgusting, aging man that doesn't have anything to offer. I'm going to be that creepy lonely guy that everybody likes but nobody loves. I'm going to wish I had done everything in my life differently every moment I'm alive: I'm going to wish I got married, I'm going to wish I didn't give up on the girls who did care about me or I'm going to wish I never fell in love in the first place. I want to give up knowing that I'm just going to end up alone forever but I can't seem to.

 

Everybody I know is in a relationship or married. Soon the worry of being single will worsen into anxiety about being completely alone where I will be abandoned by my friends and left to rot where I am. Soon my other single friends will find there true loves and I'll be stuck in the same place, probably as a student or with a piss poor job, stuck in some sort of static state that I can bore myself away from. I'm going to end up surrounded by no one probably until the end of my days. I wish I could just give up on people too but the feeling of loneliness pushes me to hold on to that tiny sliver of hope that I will find someone. I want to give up.

 

30 more years from now, I'm going to be an old man that hasn't accomplished what came easily to everybody else. They found their true love when they were young, married them, mated with them and started a family all of whom have grown into fantastic adults. I'll remember dreaming of this. I'll remember that I let go of Kate, Yvonne and Ardythe. I'll remember I had chances to be happy with someone and then let them go. I'll stay eternally in regret about missing my chance at my prime to find the lady I want to grow old with in my crappy one-bedroom apartment that I can barely afford with my pension. And yet in those 30 years I choose not to give up despite how futile my efforts were.

 

I want to give up but the pain from loneliness won't let me. I want to leave all these crappy disgusting feelings behind and just give up trying but I just don't have the will. I want to give up on all the rejection, mind games and the general dating scene, but I want to have children and perform the function that comes so naturally to everybody else. I want to give but I won't let me.

 

Help me give up so I can just live the rest of my days alone and with peace of mind. I just want to be ok alone regardless of whether or not I end up with someone. I want to let go this need to be with someone and live my life ... but I can't. Help me give up.

[Batya33]

I'm sure you'll have other posts like this. I felt like giving up at age 38. About 10 months later when I was almost 39 I re-connected with the man I'm now married to -he was also 38 and neither of us had been married before. I don't understand why you think 30 is so old that you'd give up.

[Silentlyfor]

This is how I feel. I keep thinking I would have found the love my life by now but nothing quite works out. I keep imagining my future as lonely old man. I can't shake that feeling.

[Batya33]

I can relate to feelings like that but how about choose not to react to those feelings by giving up?

[Silentlyfor]

What choice do I have? Love from another isn't really within my control.

[sand dollar]

All the married people I know wish they had their freedom back. They tell you how great it is because they want you to be unhappy too,lol

[Batya33]

What choice do I have? Love from another isn't really within my control.

 

Of course it is. You have to be proactive about meeting people who might be a good match for you. You can't control someone else's feelings but if you control what type of impression you make and how you carry yourself and your personality, etc. you are far more likely to attract people who will want to get to know you and eventually care about/love you.

[Leftright]

I know the feeling man, I wish I had an answer to this problem. All i can do is reccommend you keep yourself busy with whatever you are interested in, and keep working on yourself. A good bunch of hobbies and interests can help to keep your mind off the fact that you're alone, and give you something to look forward to at the end of the day. In the meantime, take this time for yourself and get some counselling if you have to. It sucks being alone, but there are many ways to counter those feelings. Think about all of those people out there stuck in lousy relationships and how they wish they could leave, but can't...and then think of your life, free to come and go as you please, no obligations to nobody, and tons of spare time to spend doing whatever you want! (including working longer hours if thats your thing).

 

The point I'm trying to make is that maybe, just maybe your life situation is a blessing in disguise. In fact, we probably dodged a bullet by not having to commit so young, just to end up yet another 30-something divorcee, or single parent. ( no offence to single parents of course). It all doesn't seem so terrible after all I think.

 

If you are really down about it, I think that is a good indication that whatever you're doing isn't working, and you might have to change something in your life. Remember that relationships are about comprimise, and I can attest that most of us who have been single for too long (not necessarily by choice) have a lot of difficulty making those comprimises because a lot of us are set in our ways. ...This is something I will have to face, should a relationship ever become a part of it, but in all honesty, I am prepared to adjust should the "right" person enter my life.

[morrowrd]

You seem to have a very warped perspective of yourself, and your future as hopeless. And at the ripe young age of 30, you have plenty of time to create opportunity for yourself. The fact that you are so worried about being alone "to rot" shows me the need to start working on yourself....honestly you are in bad shape for a relationship. Almost desperate...which means there is a really good possibility of losing yourself in a relationship. That would cause you even more problems.

 

There is an order of operations here, and you need to start with yourself. There is a saying I live by, "fix the within, and you will fix the without." This means, your outer environment responds to your behavior, your demeanor, and your behavior and demeanor reflect the within. Moping around and whining about yourself, and your situation doesn't make people want to be around you, help you, let alone DATE you. Women love men who are secure....now tell me, read your own paragraphs above, do you sound very secure? Wouldn't you like to be? Not just to get dates, but just for yourself?

 

Evaluate your life, and start fixing the fixable. Do you eat right? Do you have an exercise program? Those two simple things will start you on the path of a better self image, which has a domino effect. As things improve, you will have motivation and insight on whats next on the "to do list" to fix which will continue the process of building up your self esteem and image. A better self image means a different demeanor and behavior. Thus those around you will "respond" in turn.

 

Fix the within, and the without calibrates accordingly. Basically fixing itself.

[Throwaway999]

I hope writing this made you feel better? I don't know what to add that is going to help any.

 

I think everybody has these sorts of thoughts at one time or another. But seriously, man, you are only 30 years old. When I had just turned 30, I was newly single and I actually had a pretty good time! Now it is 10 years later. I got into a relationship in the interim and now I'm single again, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but I'm not in a pit of despair either. I never really had the goal of starting a family, so if that never happens (and it probably won't, unless I knock up somebody in the next 5 minutes or so) I'm okay with it.

 

Two of my exes are now married and have kids, including the one who cheated on me with two different dudes, and I firmly believe I would be waaaaaay less happy had I ended up married to either of them than I am now, single. I'd either be being nagged to death, or two-timed behind my back. The grass is not greener where my exes are concerned. Yeah, I wish I had met the love of my life, instead of all my assorted ex gfs, but I can't change the past. They seemed to have potential at the time.

 

My brother is on his 3rd wife, we'll see if this one lasts. He is older than I am. My neighbor is turning 65 and he's single - he was married for 10 years (a long time ago) and got divorced, never remarried. He still seems to have a pretty good time and isn't ready to slit his wrists yet. There's no telling. What if you met the love of your life and then you had to watch her she die of some disease, or she got hit by a bus or something? Or what if you'd had a kid and he grew up to be a serial killer? Could be worse!

 

I was hanging out with a friend of mine the other night who had just turned 40 (seems to be a traumatic age for many) and we were just kind of joking around about being single and he just blurts out "I'm never going to find love, I realize that. I'm everybody's goofy older brother, or funny uncle, but I'm not going to find a woman who loves me. I know that." Heavy! My reaction was kind of like, "Not with that attitude, you're not!"

[Throwaway999]

Uh, yeah, THAT^ What that guy said, since it is actually helpful and all.

[Silentlyfor]

I'll be honest. These thoughts were sitting in my brain for the longest time and I needed to get them out. I wasn't about to blurt this out in a mass email or on facebook; I would have created WAY too much worry. Now that I've read what I said, what I've written seems pretty unrealistic. I am trying to get out more and make more friends, I eat relatively well and I do work out. Sometimes I still feel this way like I shouldn't bother trying. That being said, saying it out loud made me feel better. It feels like I'm getting the bile out of my system.

 

And ... I dunno. I'm a sensitive guy. Turning 30 is something that I didn't think would bother me as much as it does. I dunno. I'm under immense pressure from my mother to get married and have kids. Don't get my mother wrong, I want that myself. I really want to pass on the seed and start a family and I thought I would have done it by now. I don't know. For the last few years (from age 26 and onward) I was a pretty confident guy. In fact, I really liked myself, loved my friends and had a lot to offer some of the girls I've been dating. Now ... I dunno. I feel nothing has changed like as though I hadn't made any progress for the last 3 years. I want to change but I feel like I'm going to stuck in this pattern of not moving forward.

 

I want to try to better myself and I feel this could benefit me in the long run. Even so, as an undergrad student, I don't know how I can make changes for the better.

[Careerchoice]

My advice pertains to guys only.

 

I was a pretty confident guy. In fact, I really liked myself, loved my friends and had a lot to offer some of the girls I've been dating.

 

Making an excellent life for yourself is a noble aspiration for many reasons and it looks like you've done a great job of accomplishing this, but it is not necessary and may not even be relevant for you to do so in order to find a woman. Developing attraction is a separate and distinct skill from building a career getting in shape, having good friends, etc. You don't even have to be a good guy to get woman interested. You can be a good guy and develop attraction, but you can also be an OK guy, or a normal guy. You can also be a JERK and still succeed.

[Throwaway999]

My advice pertains to guys only.

 

Making an excellent life for yourself is a noble aspiration for many reasons and it looks like you've done a great job of accomplishing this, but it is not necessary and may not even be relevant for you to do so in order to find a woman. Developing attraction is a separate and distinct skill from building a career getting in shape, having good friends, etc. You don't even have to be a good guy to get woman interested. You can be a good guy and develop attraction, but you can also be an OK guy, or a normal guy. You can also be a JERK and still succeed.

 

Yup, this is pretty good advice.

 

I have an acquaintance who is a coke dealer sleazeball (I hate drugs, but when we met, years ago, he was straightedge!) but is very outgoing and very successful with women, at least as far as "scoring" with random chicks at bars goes. I find him kind of loud and obnoxious now (I liked him a lot better pre-coke) but he comes accross as a confident, in-charge alpha male type, a little dangerous, and women (especially ones that are looking to do some bumps) gravitate to him even though he isn't the best looking guy.

 

Meanwhile I know lots of good guys, attractive, smart and funny, with stable, legal jobs who could never pick up women at a bar like that. You may think "Well, I'm not interested in those type of women, anyway" but you'd be surprised how "good girls" flock to this dude, too. Even if they don't get picked up by him, they are clearly charmed by him, while the normal guys stand around and think "Can't these women see that this guy is a sleazeball?" Of course, they may not want to get into a relationship with a guy like that, but they do clearly find him attractive. It is kind of disheartening, and makes it easy to get down on women in general, but it is reality.

[Careerchoice]

Thanks for the rep.

 

Even if they don't get picked up by him, they are clearly charmed by him, while the normal guys stand around and think "Can't these women see that this guy is a sleazeball?"

 

This is the worst thing a guy can do. Instead of this type of passive aggressive complaining, it would be best to learn how to talk to and interact with women so they choose you over him.

 

Of course, they may not want to get into a relationship with a guy like that, but they do clearly find him attractive. It is kind of disheartening, and makes it easy to get down on women in general, but it is reality.

 

Well I wouldn't even get down on girls for this. It's not like they choose who to be attracted to. They have as much control over that as us guys about who we find physically attractive. There's no choice involved.

[Silentlyfor]

Gross. That's all I can: just gross. I typically don't go for girls who fall for guys like that. After they make that sort of choice, I don't want anything to do with them. I'll flat out say it: they not smart if they go for the sleezball and I can't date somebody that chooses to date somebody like that. End of story.

 

Oh, and those guys who are the hotties that have everything put together with stability and the like will just end up with good women who want somebody like that in their lives. The ones that chase after sleezballs will regret passing over the more decent fellow will regret the next 10 some odd years of their live (should they stick with them). I know. I've seen the women who've made that choice.

 

Edit: Oh, by the by, I could never go to a bar to pick up women. I'm just not that type of guy for EXACTLY the reason you've stated above.

 

 

 

Correct. I'm not going to get down about a girl who isn't attracted to me. I know that women do like me. I know that I have a lot of lady friends who value the current platonic relationship I have with them. Honestly talking to women, or having the confidence to introduce myself to somebody I'm attracted and then eventually asking them out, doesn't seem to be a problem of mine. The problem is finding the women I'm meant to be with who I can connect with.

 

I guess I take rejection quite terribly. Things is, I know objectively that there isn't really anything wrong or undesirable about me. I know I'm a good-looking guy, I have a great, attractive speaking voice and I have prospects ahead of me (training to be a teacher). I'm just tired of waiting when everybody else seems to have found someone. I guess I have to wait for my time.

[Sportster2005]

DON'T give up.

DO take a break.

 

DON'T wallow in self pity.

DO realize it is just that freakin hard for everyone. Stay positive and fight the good fight.