Smoking

[xonicolemarie]

Hello all, My boyfriend was a pack a day smoker for 15 years, when we started dating he decided to quit to save money and his health. He quit smoking over a year ago. Now I found out that he is actually doing it at work behind my back (im not sure how often) When I confront him about it he lies straight to my face. Im more upset with the lying. We do have an age gap(hes older) and I feel like that right there could mean his health(and probably life) will go before me but with the addition of smoking that will only speed up the process already. My father died in October and seeing my mother alone and dealing with it just makes me even more worried about his health and keeping him on earth as long as possible. I told him all this and he still lies and says he doesnt when he does. I dont know what to do anymore, now that our relationship is serious I want him healthy and dont want to date a smoker, but if hes just gonna lie about it, I dont know what to do. I dont want to be a nagging girlfriend but we all have a certain amount of what we can tolerate in a relationship and the lies are getting to me...I work in the summer with him and his coworkers that lend him smokes or smoke with him know that hes lying to me and Im just embarrassed that it has become that relationship, I dont want to be known as the girl who has the bf who lies to her ... any advice?

[rosasnyder811]

Well, you're pushing the issue which is going to make him hide it more. You need to tell him---I don't like that you're doing it, but if you're going to do it, please don't lie to me about it.

And then talk to him about alternatives to smoking or quitting, but don't pressure him.

People that are addicted to things are only going to hide their addictions if they are pushed.

[metrogirl]

Smoking is probably one of the nastiest addictions to break. If it is a deal breaker for you then you should just end it now.

[camus154]

Smoking is a tough one. Bottom line, you aren't going to be able to control him with this. Either he quits for himself or he doesn't quit at all.

 

As far as the lying goes....yes, you shouldn't lie to your partner. Yes, lying's a no-no. But you won't get very far if you make this aspect bigger than what it really is. I'm not trying to make excuses for it, but the reality is, closet smokers are going to sneak cigarettes behind your back. Count on it and accept it--or don't accept it and break up--but don't make it your mission in life to fixate on how your boyfriend is a no-good liar who embarrasses you around others because they all know he's doing something behind your back. We're talking cigarettes here, not him banging the secretary and then having to go to the company Christmas party.

[xonicolemarie]

Rosanyder811, Ive tried telling him to just be honest but he wont, he still continues to lie thinking I have no proof and as soon as I explain how I know, then he comes clean. Im not even very pushy, I dont bring it up unless I catch him..it sucks cause I really do love him

[rosasnyder811]

Rosanyder811, Ive tried telling him to just be honest but he wont, he still continues to lie thinking I have no proof and as soon as I explain how I know, then he comes clean. Im not even very pushy, I dont bring it up unless I catch him..it sucks cause I really do love him

 

Have you asked him in the way I stated, or demanded it? The way we communicate with our significant other is important.

[xonicolemarie]

camus, I understand what ur saying, I just hate the fact that I either have to see him ruin his health, or leave him...I get that its my decision but it doesnt make it hurt any less.. I lose either way

[xonicolemarie]

Rosasnyder, to be honest ive tried doing it both ways, today I found out again aka why I posted on here and so far I have just said to him, just be honest and we can figure out how to get through this, but he gets SOOO defensive

[camus154]

camus, I understand what ur saying, I just hate the fact that I either have to see him ruin his health, or leave him...I get that its my decision but it doesnt make it hurt any less.. I lose either way

 

I think you're being a tad melodramatic about how much this "hurts"--no offense. Is he a chain smoker? Does he have a horrible cough? Do you honestly believe the cigarettes he sneaks at work is going to kill him? Maybe it will, of course. But then, maybe he'll get hit by a bus tomorrow. Maybe a blood vessel will burst in his brain one day. Maybe he'll be a life-long smoker and live to a ripe 85 years old.

 

We're all gonna die one day, after all. I understand being concerned for his health--I do--but it's equally important to keep things in perspective.

[quirky]

Could you accept him being a smoker?

 

My grandmother smoked all her life and she lived until 75, hardly any problems throughout her life just had a heart attack one day.

[xonicolemarie]

camus, I dont think im being melodramatic, he coughs all the time(it even affected our sex life), when he was smoking he had a little over a pack a day, I understand that someone can die any way but why increase the chances by putting bad **** in ur body, Hell, I wouldnt mind eating cake all day but im not going to for my health (diabetes, obesity) so in that sense I just dont get why ud put that crap in ur system

[camus154]

camus, I dont think im being melodramatic, he coughs all the time(it even affected our sex life), when he was smoking he had a little over a pack a day, I understand that someone can die any way but why increase the chances by putting bad **** in ur body, Hell, I wouldnt mind eating cake all day but im not going to for my health (diabetes, obesity) so in that sense I just dont get why ud put that crap in ur system

 

So you don't understand it. So what? There are a lot of things you won't ever understand in this life, and most of them will be about the choices other people make that you wouldn't.

 

I do understand being concerned for his health, but it's not your battle to fight. There is no you and him "figuring this out." It's entirely on him. Accept it or walk, those are your only two realistic options here.

[EssexMan]

It's possible that if you accept that he smokes and he no longer has to lie about it, he will welcome your support in cutting down dramatically (which is a very good step from both a health and financial POV, if he's unable to give up).

 

Many smokers, even those who don't want to or are unable to give up, would like to do that and find it a lot easier.

[xonicolemarie]

he hates smoking, he hates that his brother is a smoker and is constantly throwing that in his face, he paid good money to get the laser surgery to quit, he doesnt smoke behind my back because he doesnt care, he does it because the craving is just too hard for him to resist, which is why I do try to help him "fight the battle", but thanks for ur imput

[xonicolemarie]

thanks essex man that is a really good idea, Im gonna try that today when/if he admits that he is actually still doing it and agrees

[camus154]

thanks essex man that is a really good idea, Im gonna try that today when/if he admits that he is actually still doing it and agrees

 

This isn't going to work. You know what he'll do? Roll his eyes at you and insist he's not smoking. And then shut down the conversation. If you brow-beat him into fessing up or talking about how he might quit, he'll nod and say whatever it is he thinks you want to hear. And then tomorrow he'll go light up on his lunch break.

 

Accepting that he smokes means being quiet about it and stop trying to corner him into confessing. Stop having conversations with him about how he might quit. The best thing you can do is leave him to be his own adult in this decision and be supportive of him if--and only if--he comes to you about it.

[EssexMan]

The best thing you can do is leave him to be his own adult in this decision and be supportive of him if--and only if--he comes to you about it.

 

Quite. The desire has to come from him. And many smokers would like to give up or cut down, so it's far from impossible he will have that desire. However, it's going to be impossible for him to express it and difficult to achieve it if he has to remain secretive about the whole thing.

 

So, acknowledge that he smokes. Don't go on about it, but don't make a great pretence that he doesn't, either. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the day that he feels comfortable enough to go out in your back yard (or whatever) for a smoke when you're around is actually the day that you might start to be part of the solution. (But even then, don't force it!)

 

The end of accusing, lying and sneaking around will be positive for your relationship, too.

[itsallgrand]

Smokes? Where? lol. I am an ex smoker.

 

Bottom line is you can't do anything except be there when he is ready to quit. He's a smoker, alright.

 

I quit and started and quit and started so many times. Makes a person feel like crap. But no matter how much a person wants to do it for other reasons besides because they really want to, it doesn't get done. It's very personal.

[EssexMan]

no matter how much a person wants to do it for other reasons besides because they really want to, it doesn't get done. It's very personal.

 

Absolutely. I'm a smoker too, and I've always known there was no point trying to give up until the "inner me" really wanted to. He's nearly there, now!

 

(Actually, what I'd really wish to do is be like the woman I once knew who managed to smoke just one cigarette a day. But I doubt I have that will power.)

[HeatherB]

You can only make rules about what goes on in your personal orbit. I dated a smoker once, and I hated the taste and smell. So I said that I didn't care what he did as long as his smoking was easy for me to ignore. He had to figure out how to hide it from me, but I can't imagine there was much forbidden thrill. He gave it up eventually for a combination of reasons. Don't push people into corners where they feel like they have to lie to you to keep you.

 

If you want to be a leeetle devious, you could take up a bunch of new interests that require a lot of physical exertion. The more often he has to confront his reduced lung power, the more often he'll notice a major downside to smoking.

[xonicolemarie]

If you want to be a leeetle devious, you could take up a bunch of new interests that require a lot of physical exertion. The more often he has to confront his reduced lung power, the more often he'll notice a major downside to smoking.

 

Haha this reminds me of our sex life in the beginning when he was smoking LOTS, he couldnt do it for very long and every orgasm would end in a nasty cough in my face....talk about...dissapointing

[itsallgrand]

Absolutely. I'm a smoker too, and I've always known there was no point trying to give up until the "inner me" really wanted to. He's nearly there, now!

 

(Actually, what I'd really wish to do is be like the woman I once knew who managed to smoke just one cigarette a day. But I doubt I have that will power.)

 

Woo I'm glad he's almost there! Yeah right...just one cigarette...haha

[90_hour_sleep]

Absolutely. I'm a smoker too, and I've always known there was no point trying to give up until the "inner me" really wanted to. He's nearly there, now!

 

(Actually, what I'd really wish to do is be like the woman I once knew who managed to smoke just one cigarette a day. But I doubt I have that will power.)

 

off topic...but i wouldn't envy that woman. most smokers who smoke only one a day spend the entire day thinking about smoking. and the relief from that one smoke just reinforces the ridiculous justification for smoking in the first place. allen carr told a story about some high-powered business woman who only smoked once a day. she was just as miserable a smoker as the guy chain smoking all day. torture. i remember doing the same thing myself...and feeling the same way. addiction is addiction is addiction. personally, i don't think it's one of those things that goes by degrees. you are...or you aren't.

[EssexMan]

off topic...but i wouldn't envy that woman. most smokers who smoke only one a day spend the entire day thinking about smoking.

 

That's interesting. I don't know her history (I didn't know her well); whether she was a more regular smoker before, or not.

 

Not to turn this into a general giving-up-smoking thread, but from my perspective...well, I'm just getting bored with it. The ratio of cigarettes-I-enjoy to cigarettes-I-need-to-feed-the-habit has been going down, and down, and down for some years (the actual number has also been going down as well, so an overall increase is not the explanation for the ratio change).

 

So, while obviously I've been well aware of the rational reasons for giving up for many years, for the first time I'm actually feeling that I'd be better off without the damn things.

 

And, to be a bit more on-topic - OP - this is definitely something I'd need my gf's support for! Not that I'd expect or need her to go to any great lengths, but I'd need her to know I was going through a biggish thing in trying to kick a habit. So, that's another reason why it's actually better for you and your bf to acknowledge his smoking.

[superfan]

I think you're being a tad melodramatic about how much this "hurts"--no offense. Is he a chain smoker? Does he have a horrible cough? Do you honestly believe the cigarettes he sneaks at work is going to kill him? Maybe it will, of course. But then, maybe he'll get hit by a bus tomorrow. Maybe a blood vessel will burst in his brain one day. Maybe he'll be a life-long smoker and live to a ripe 85 years old.

 

We're all gonna die one day, after all. I understand being concerned for his health--I do--but it's equally important to keep things in perspective.

 

I don't think it is melodramatic at all. I watched both my grandparents die of cancer caused by smoking as well as my Dad undergo a triple bypass this year after suffering several heart attacks due to arteries clogged with nicotine. I think the OP has stated that she has had relatives suffer from the ill effects of smoking and given that it HAS affected their sex life and lifestyle, to me it seems like a very valid health concern.

 

It's more than just a "bad habit" it is something that WILL down the line affect his quality (or length) of life, so I can understand why it is such a tough choice for her.

 

I would not even date a smoker. That would be an instant deal breaker for me. The second I found out he smokes, I would be out. I can't stand the smell, I am asthmatic so it would affect MY health and I have seen too many relatives die from smoking related illness, not to mention the stains on the teeth, the constant coughing and other nasty aspects of it.

 

You're right though, in that the OP needs to decide whether to accept it or walk away. For ME it would be a deal breaker (as I said) but the OP is already in pretty deep it seems, so that can make it harder to walk away even if she feels it is the right thing to do.

 

He isn't going to quit unless he genuinely wants to. Sit down with him and say to him (non judgmentally) that you love him and that you only care about the smoking because you want him to live a good long life and it scares you. Some tips that have helped my Dad quit - putting $10.00 in a drawer every time he craved cigarettes or wanted to buy another pack of smokes. By the time he realized how much eh was spending on them, he had even more incentive to quit (the triple bypass was a motivator as well)