how do i make her feel safe / make her doubt her reasons for breaking up with me

[iago2010]

The other night my gf and I went out in Dallas and when we got home we had a huge fight when we were both extremely drunk. I don't remember all the details, but I became frustrated when she accused me of doing something I didn't do and would not listen to me when I told her I didn't do it. And in my drunkness, I expressed this frustration by throwing a plate (not at her, she wasn't even in the room) and then later by throwing some laundry and hitting her with a pillow (not to harm her, i didn't even do it hard, but just to express my frustration with how she was acting). I also yelled a bit, but nothing too crazy. At no point did I hurt her, nor did I have any intention of doing so. I don't remember everything, but I know I chose a pillow intentionally because I had no desire to hurt her. But I was also too drunk to really explain myself, and throwing some stuff, while scary and not acceptable behavior, was sort of a shortcut way to release my frustration. After all of this, I finally left (i took a cab, i didn't drive).

 

When I woke up in the morning I realized what had happened and went back to her place. I cleaned the mess and apologized but she was terrified of me and said I crossed the line and broke up with me. I know I ****ed up. I can't hardly blame her for being scared, since even though I am certain that I would never hurt ever, i could imagine that its scary to watch someone throw things in anger. I know that some people, despite this sort of crazy night, would understand it for what it was - a drunken mistake that would never happen again (seriously. never. this is the most shameful thing I've ever done. I don't have any history with alcohol abuse but even so I won't be touching the stuff for a while. I also have no history of physical abuse and have never even done something like throwing a plate before). The real kicker is that she has a few things in her history that make her extremely sensitive this kind of behavior and I have no doubt triggered this in her.

 

We are still on good talking terms, and we are still very much in love. We continue to see each other and have even slept together a few times. When we're making love, she melts back into me, tells me how much she loves me and how she doesn't want to lose me. But when those emotions calm down, they are replaced by her vivid recollection of the night and an extremely strong mental belief that she can't be with someone that has acted like I did.

 

Please don't accuse me of being physically abusive, because I'm not, nor have I ever been, and I would never hurt this girl. The night was very out of character, and I don't even want to start to doubt whether I'm the kind of person that would hurt my partner, because I am certain that I would not. I don't want to adopt any of that night into how I think of myself, and I feel like mentally its important to separate my identity from a series of acts that I did when I was almost black-out drunk and don't represent me at all.

 

I absolutely love this girl and want to be with her. I'm ashamed of what I did and know it'll never happen again. Even so, I'm willing to take steps, like seeing a therapist, just to be certain and to give her a sense of security. In the mean time, I'm looking to this forum for help. I would appreciate both practical advice and sympathy because I am really hurting right now at this loss. What I really want, are some ideas on how I can make her feel safe enough to be with me and to help convince her, over time, that she can be safe with me. As a purely logical matter, it is impossible to prove conclusively that I will never do it again. (you can't prove the absence of something). And her survival mechanism in her brain says she can't give me another chance because the cost of being wrong is too high. To give you some background, a distant family member was murdered by that person's best friend's physically abusive husband, so i think her mind links up physical abuse with death. Even though I'm not physically abusive, our night had shades of similarities and so she sees being with me as being very dangerous. The inconsistent part of this is that even since this event happened she has had no problem being alone with me, sleeping with me, showering with me, etc. Clearly, she is conflicted.

 

She has told me that there is a conceivable future where we could be together, but that the timeline is different than what I'm hoping for (i.e., I'm hoping to get back together in the next few weeks after things calm down). From her suggestion, it maybe 6 months or more to reset. I'm not impatient and if I could feel certain that we'd get back together in 6 months I could prob be ok with that. But she is unable to assure me that she'll get over this with time. I'm worried that giving her too much space will mean she'll spend a lot of time thinking about the night and not as much time thinking about how good she feels when I am around.

 

My fear is losing her and this relationship forever. So, like the title suggests, how can I make her feel safe with me? How can I get her to create some sort of exception or soften this hard line in her mind that anyone that does something like I did once can never be trusted as safe ever again? I feel like once she can leap that mental hurdle and imagine giving me another shot, then I'll be on safer ground and don't have to fear losing her forever, even if she needs time to recover.

[rosasnyder811]

You are trying to justify abusive behavior by saying "I didn't mean to do it," "I didn't do it hard, " "I didn't throw it at her."

Whether you have had a history of abuse or not---you were abusive that night, and that is what is scaring her now. No one is saying you are a bad person, however, it is obvious that controlling your anger is difficult when under the influence of alcohol.

You messed up, so going on your schedule is selfish at best. You need to go on hers and take her lead. She is looking for a reason to stay away from you because of your behavior, but she is also looking for a reason to get close to you again.

She is in contact with you. That is good. You can't build a relationship when you aren't in contact.

You have to make changes in yourself to show her that you are trustworthy and will never do this again. Swear off of alcohol, and go to counseling to figure out what this anger is that is inside you when you drink.

 

There is no exceptions for abusive behavior. All she can do is forgive you. The only way you are deserving of that is if you do what you need to do to show her that you know you screwed up. Stop making excuses for your behavior, it shows that you don't take responsibility for it. You did it, you screwed up---now you fix it. No excuses.

 

Now, go make things better!

[squirl]

Get help for your drinking. If you are blacking out you have a problem. Go to some AA meetings and learn about it.

[ThatwasThen]

Have you thought about enrolling in an anger management class? It will help you to communicate when you're being made frustrated by someone or something. Not only that, it will show her something tangible that you are taking steps for this to never happen again and that you're doing it for yourself because you're behaviour scared you and well as her.

 

You'll have a better chance of convincing her that "it will never happen again" if you've been taught how to control it.

[iago2010]

Ok, this is a fair response and I expected it. I appreciate you taking the time to give your feedback. And yes, that night my actions were physical and insulting. I guess the word abusive is so loaded these days, and it really suggests habitual action - which it is not. So I don't want to have that label placed on me. But I absolutely realize that what I did was unacceptable, offensive, and wrong.

 

What I am really looking for right now are some more specifics about what fixing it looks like. How do you fix something that is such a freak occurrence? I don't experience anger on any sort of regular basis and even when I am angry I never act like this.

 

I do feel that alcohol played a strong role. I will take your advice and swear it off. As it is, I don't drink very much (literally 1/wk socially), and this was the first time I got this drunk in quite a long time. Not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain that it is hard to see a chronic problem when there isn't a real habit, just sort of a freak occurrence. I also can't imagine needing AA, but is this something more than 1 person thinks I should try? Either way, the evidence is clear, like you said, that I must have a hard time controlling my anger when I get that drunk, so best to avoid that state.

 

So, in summary, do we have any other suggestions, besides counseling and no more drinking, that will either help me change or help her see that this is not something she has to worry about in the future?

[iago2010]

Anger management class is a good idea. I have a hard to communicating what I feel sometimes (though it never results in physical manifestations, with the exception of apparently when I'm really drunk).

[mhowe]

"Besides counseling and no more drinking"....hmmmm === those look like great suggestions.

 

There is no easy fix here.

 

You need to change. Her reasoning does not. Isolated incident -- or preview.....that is how she is looking at it. Words are not going to change her mind.

Action.

[tattoobunnie]

You may say don't call me abusive, but you were. The fact that you can't admit that you may have a problem is the hugest reason why she cannot feel safe with you or trust you. Only when you begin to accept that what you did was abusive and dangerous can you begin to figure out how to resolve things within you in order to move forward with your life.

 

Physical abuse starts somewhere. And that means, physically throwing things, punching walls, which in turn can turn into people. While people like to blame an incident with alcohol in the problem, for many people, you get them drunk enough, and they do not have the same reaction that you had, nor any desire to throw things.

 

Think of this way, no one ever thinks they are capable of shaking a baby, until they do.

 

If you want to get back to her good graces, you will need to work on yourself. AA - just to see what happens. Therapy for anger issues.

 

I've been around enough abusive people from boyfriends, mother in laws to even my mom to spot the start of something.

 

Good luck. Also, don't make it about getting back together, or else she will think you're just acting on good behavior that will snap back. You actually have to commit to therapy, or not drinking, or talking about what the hell happened, and being accountable for it. Stating, oh, it's random, oh, it's alcohol, oh, you weren't even in the room ....WILL NOT FLY. It will translate as cop-out about how you didn't do anything wrong. That will push her even further away.

[FrenchFries]

Excuse me if I missed it, but how long have you been together? I have to agree that nothing is going to "show" her like going through some kind of class/therapy, etc. It would freak me out too, if my bf did something like that. Have you told to her that you would go to therapy(or whatever)? If so, what was her response?

[Shane Falco]

What you have to do is figure out why you reacted the way you reacted without the alcohol factor. What exactly triggered you and why did you blow up in that manner. I lost my last relationship due to a drunken meltdown (though I wasn't remotely insulting or "abusive" to my ex) which freaked out my ex big time. So I know what you are going through, because I had never had any sort of reaction like that prior or since. That being said, there's no way that she is going to be able to trust you until you identify and work on why you flipped out. It's more likely to become a regular occurrence if you don't take the steps to figure out why it happened in the first place.

 

I haven't sworn off of alcohol, because alcohol wasn't the cause of my outburst. It just happened to help trigger it. I've drank quite a few times in the months since and haven't come close to repeating that behavior.

[rosasnyder811]

Exactly as mhowe states it---your words do not matter to her. She is staying in contact with you, so she does care. This gives you an opportunity to ACT. Show her you are doing something about this problem by getting some real TANGIBLE help. No one is calling you an abuser. You did something ABUSIVE one night. We are calling you out on it and letting you know what it was so you can accept it and fix it, and possibly build a new relationship.

When you talk with her, she needs to see that you are working on these changes so she can feel safe with you again.

 

But again---no excuses. Especially to her. "I did something inexcuseable, and I'm sorry. I understand I scared you and understand your reasons for leaving me. I'm taking steps to make sure it never happens again, and I hope that my actions will someday allow you to trust me again."

[iago2010]

I'm definitely considering and thinking about everything you are saying. I definitely get the argument "abuse starts somewhere" and "Isolated incident -- or preview". They are good arguments, especially considering the facts. Maybe the are accurate. But in my mind I feel like abuse is the farthest things from how I feel. It is really difficult to reconcile. Its also because I guess I assume that people that are abusive know that about themselves, or know that they are angrier than other people, or that they're always on the edge of losing it. I feel none of those things about myself.

 

That being said, all of these very honest and thoughtful responses are helping me swallow the gravity of what happened and I am starting to feel resolve about trying out some counseling. If this really could be a problem for me, maybe if I nip it now I'll never have another incident like this ever again.

 

Please keep the posts coming, I really appreciate them and I am soaking up everything you are all saying.

[mhowe]

I had an ex who was verbally abusive to me. I drew the line -- and eventually left.

Years later, I heard from his brother "were you afraid of him"....no, and gave background.

 

Turns out -- and this is a grown man -- slapped his mother.

Years later -- in "anger" -- hit his 81 year old father...

 

Preview. Bottled up anger and resentment. Fix it now.

 

PS...he never thought he had a problem...was just "venting". Right.

[rosasnyder811]

Actually, abusive people do not know that they are abusive, nor do they care. Right now you are still trying to make excuses for your behavior here. I don't care about justifications, excuses, or how you feel about it. The fact is you did something abusive, and if you can't accept that, then you have no chance of getting her back.

You need to accept it first, then you need to act on it. Stop trying to convince us that you aren't abusive, and prove it through your actions. No one here is even saying that you are a chronic abuser. Many people make mistakes once. How you address it will determine whether there is a chance of it happening again.

Right now, your actions are showing that this COULD happen again, because you aren't willing to accept that you are capable of it. Whether you feel it now or not, you did have that fit of rage that night, which means there is the possibility of it happening again.

That is the next thing you need to accept.

Now, here is where you get set apart from an abuser--- an abuser will continue to make excuses and pretend there is no problem. Someone who isn't will admit they have a problem, and set themselves apart by addressing it, to make sure it NEVER, EVER happens again.

[LonelyGirl10]

My advice is to stop making excuses to her, and admit that you screwed up. You are making a ton of excuses because you don't want to label yourself as abusive. You may not be abusive over a long period of time, and it may never happen again. However, you were abusive to her on THAT night. Even if that was the only time it will ever happen. Your behavior was still abusive on THAT night. If I was her, you would have to admit that to me before I would ever give you a second chance.

[rosasnyder811]

By the way--- going to a few counseling sessions doesn't make you crazy, either. It takes a strong person to admit they have a problem and want to address it. If you want to continue using alcohol, have ONE drink. TWO max, and leave it at that. There is no reason to get drunk. Especially when you have these tendancies.

[rosasnyder811]

My advice is to stop making excuses to her, and admit that you screwed up. You are making a ton of excuses because you don't want to label yourself as abusive. You may not be abusive over a long period of time, and it may never happen again. However, you were abusive to her on THAT night. Even if that was the only time it will ever happen. Your behavior was still abusive on THAT night. If I was her, you would have to admit that to me before I would ever give you a second chance.

 

EXACTLY. She obviously knows that you aren't a chronic abuser, but she can't trust that, either. You need to man up, stop making excuses, get help---to show her that you care about her and it never WILL happen again.

[squirl]

The reason I suggested AA is that your original disagreement was about your gf saying you did something you thought you didn't and you got frustrated when she wouldn't believe your version of the facts.

 

You also said you didn't remember everything that happened this one night because you were so drunk.

 

When a person starts saying alcohol is why they don't remember things it is hard to have a discussion with them.

 

There are probably other red flags you haven't noticed or discussed that you are giving off. These little cues will probably also go away when you do the counselling or other behavioral changes.

 

An AA meeting won't hurt and it might help. You can decide it isn't for you.

 

Good luck.

[indea08]

honestly, I don't think you did anything all that terrible... You threw a plate when she wasn't in the room. you hit her with a PILLOW. worse things have happened. sometimes when I'm mad I punch a pillow. That's not abuse, that's just relieving anger. It's her past experience that changes things and makes it seem terrible. To get her to trust you, I agree with the other posters that you have to actually DO something (such as anger management) instead of just SAYING I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, etc.. I don't think AA seems logical, it doesn't seem like you have an alcohol problem. People get drunk, it happens. Anyway, my point was to tell you not to be so hard on yourself. You acted the same way a lot of guys do when they're mad, girls too. People need an anger outlet. It just happened to be in a manner that triggered past issues with violence for the girlfriend. Good luck to you!

[Edmund Exley]

He hit her with a pillow, after smashing things. Harmless? Perhaps, but when one is sloppy drunk and raging it could be scary and she felt her space was invaded. He needs to be hard on himself as he knew that she had these issues and he betrayed her trust in him not to do it. Sure other people do stuff like that, but other people dont always have partners that have been victims in the past.

 

The only thing that can heal any of this is time. Doing all the counseling and stuff is great, but its going to take time for her to get fully accept this was a one off incident, time for her never seeing this happen again.

[matti]

I've been in your shoes before and therefore, I understand your situation. Actually, I used to drink quite a bit myself. However, I can become easily frustrated at times and that factor mixed with alcohol creates serious potential for hazardous behavior. Your best bet is to lay off the sauce for a while. I kinda lucked out and alcohol and I sort of grew apart. I very rarely ever drink and if I do, I might have a drink or two at most.

 

Secondly, there really isn't anything you can do at this point. What happened has happened. The damage is already done. I would just take a moment to sincerely apologize and let her know that you are in fact taking 100% responsibility for your actions and then leave it be. Don't pressure her, but remind her that you care. If she backs off, so be it. Only time is going to fix a situation such as this and I believe that time will allow her to heal and forgive.

 

Good luck my friend!

[rosasnyder811]

Is this post really excusing his abusive behavior? Throwing a pillow might be harmless, but breaking things and screaming out of anger like he was doing in a drunken state is a frightening thing, especially for someone who has past issues with this, as she does. That makes what he did worse, actually--because he knew the past and did it anyway.

It doesn't matter whether he is abusive or not, he did something abusive, and now she is scared and will need to take the time to get through it.

People do need an anger outlet, but you have to be careful with how you manifest it.

[matti]

Is this post really excusing his abusive behavior? Throwing a pillow might be harmless, but breaking things and screaming out of anger like he was doing in a drunken state is a frightening thing, especially for someone who has past issues with this, as she does. That makes what he did worse, actually--because he knew the past and did it anyway.

It doesn't matter whether he is abusive or not, he did something abusive, and now she is scared and will need to take the time to get through it.

People do need an anger outlet, but you have to be careful with how you manifest it.

 

 

I'm just letting him know that I've been there and I understand. I've matured over the years and with it, I chose to leave alcohol as well as the actions that come with a little too much of it, in the past. Therefore, it's quite obvious that I definitely don't condone those types of actions.

 

It all comes down to opinions and beleifs. There is no right or wrong answer when dealing with morals and values. The reason he posted was because he was looking for some advice. We're not here to shame or lecture him in the process. He knows what he did was "considered" wrong by many, especially his girl and now he has to live with his actions.

[ThatwasThen]

I think op is being quite open to advice and criticisms.(Post No. 12) So ^^^ Flogging a dead horse isn't productive when he's already conceded that he was wrong. If he's truly remorseful, he will take a course on anger management for himself.. The bonus will be that his chances of resuming with his gf will increase if she sees something tangible being done that will curtail history from repeating itself.

[rosasnyder811]

I think op is being quite open to advice and criticisms.(Post No. 12) So ^^^ Flogging a dead horse isn't productive when he's already conceded that he was wrong. If he's truly remorseful, he will take a course on anger management for himself.. The bonus will be that his chances of resuming with his gf will increase if she sees something tangible being done that will curtail history from repeating itself.

 

It's not really flogging a dead horse when in the post you refer to, he is still making excuses for his behavior. Making excuses is not going to help him get back his ex. He may have conceded that he was wrong, but he is still trying to justify it, which is also wrong.

I'm not doing it to be a *****, I'm doing it to help him understand that this is what he needs to do if he wants any chance of getting her back. I would expect to be treated this way too if I did something like this.