WHat do you guys think about a guy on his 40's, have kids but never married

[MorningSong]

I wonder what do you guys think about guys on their 40's. have kids but never married. I understand that everyone is different, but when I talk about this with my guy friends they told me to stay away from these type of guys if I want a serious relationship and have a family in the future.

 

So I wonder what do you guys think?

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I would not date a guy in his 40s, so he would automatically be out of the running for me.

 

If I was in my 40s and hoping to get married/have kids, I would be interested in someone looking for marriage and kids.

 

It depends on the guy though. If he's not a player and is wanting marriage/family then maybe. So long as he does not have a bunch of kids.

[allcity]

I'm a guy but I'm gonna comment here anyway. In my opinion, anyone that makes a judgement about a guy (or woman) that's in their 40's and has never been married but then also thinks that a person that HAS been married and divorced before is a better catch because of it, needs their head examined.

 

It's like those people that say they wouldn't trust a person that has never been in a long-term relationship and yet they'd have no problem trusting the people that have been through loads of long-term relationships and yet all of them ended. Totally bizarre logic!

 

Some people have never been married or in a LTR because they have standards and have never met Mr/Mrs Right and they weren't prepared to settle. If that makes them a bad catch, that says FAR more about the person judging them than it does about them IMO.

 

Get to know each person on an individual basis and make your decision based on that alone. Making stereotypes and judgements will affect you and your life just as much as the people you choose to judge. In short, your guy friends really aren't giving you great advice I'm afraid.

 

I know a lot of married people and all of them are miserable and wish they'd never got married. And yet (non-married) people still hold marriage up as the holy grail and the defining factor. Marriage means very little in any shape or form I'm afraid. It's the person's personality, commitment and ability to listen and be kind/loving that makes all the difference in a relationship...and they all have little to do with a band of gold that can be easily removed with a divorce.

 

Harsh but true! Too many people confuse marriage with commitment unfortunately, when the latter can exist just fine without the former, and the former doesn't necessarily mean the latter is present in a relationship.

[MorningSong]

I'm a guy but I'm gonna comment here anyway. In my opinion, anyone that makes a judgement about a guy (or woman) that's in their 40's and has never been married but then also thinks that a person that HAS been married and divorced before is a better catch because of it, needs their head examined.

 

LOL, yes, I know what you mean here. But I don't think that people are judging or make steriotype here. It's more like once people get used to live on their own, and it's harder for them to change/compromise in a relationship. It's the team player vs independent worker question.

[allcity]

LOL, yes, I know what you mean here. But I don't think that people are judging or make steriotype here. It's more like once people get used to live on their own, and it's harder for them to change/compromise in a relationship. It's the team player vs independent worker question.

 

Sure, there's some truth to that, but a lot of guys have been in relationships their whole lives and STILL refuse to change/compromise in a relationship. Talk to some married women and see what they say about their men and how many say that their man is awesome and always willing to compromise Again it comes to deciding on people on an individual basis and never on a stereotype that could easily be wrong and could cause you to miss out on someone awesome, just because of a judgement with very little basis.

[EssexMan]

I don't think you can generalise about those men as a group. Okay, the having kids yet never having married is a slightly unusual facet of them which you maybe should take into account when you're assessing their personality, but that's as far as it goes. There are far too many other variables.

[allcity]

OP, I guess just ask yourself whether you'd be happy for men to judge you for your past decisions and how many times you'd been married and divorced, rather than just getting to know who you are TODAY. That's all the answer you need, really.

[MJWasHere]

I think you cant form any opinion of a man based solely on the fact he is in his 40s, with child(ren) and neve married.

 

Every circumstance is different. has he had prior long term relationships? What was the relationship(s) with the child(ren)'s mother like? What is is his lifestyle like?

 

"40s never married" isnt enough to form an opinion as to someones date-ability.

 

Not all people choose the status quo path in life, and for good reason!

[Angel Irulan]

I wonder what do you guys think about guys on their 40's. have kids but never married. I understand that everyone is different, but when I talk about this with my guy friends they told me to stay away from these type of guys if I want a serious relationship and have a family in the future.

 

So I wonder what do you guys think?

 

I agree 100 percent with your guy friends! Don't ever ignore what this type of friend has to say about their own sex, they'll almost always be on target.

Angel

[allcity]

I agree 100 percent with your guy friends! Don't ever ignore what this type of friend has to say about their own sex, they'll almost always be on target.

Angel

 

Out of curiosity, how's that kind of thinking working out for you in helping you find good men and have good relationships? And on what basis and personal experience are you so sure of the truth of such a blanket statement? No jokes...serious question.

 

Men can't make "ALL men like this" statements about other men with any more accuracy than women can about other women. Believe it or not, each of us are different and stereotypes don't define any of us. I know it's a mind-blowing thought but men aren't one huge hive-mind. We each have our own story! Sheesh!

[abitbroken]

It depends. Did he have a kid (KID, but not KIDS) at 17, and the mother not want anything to do with him, or they decided marriage was not feasible and he is in the child's life? Or did he have a long term unmarried relationship and have several kids and refused to commit to her?

 

I wouldn't want to be with a guy who had kids out of wedlock, but I rather date a guy who made a mistake and fathered a child when very young, tried to be involved but was pushed away, or is in the child's life and the young woman wouldn't marry him, or they decided it was best not to, rather than be with a guy who was for all intents married, continued to have kids with the woman and then refused to marry.

Granted, I would only be involved with guy #1 if he sincerely wants to marry when he finds the right woman. The second guy I wouldn't give you two cents for. I would run far away to Timbucktu.

[ForumGuy]

....I don't think that people are judging or make steriotype here.....

You can repeat the title of your thread and think this is not about judging or stereotypes?

[allcity]

Abitbroken, no disrespect or judgement meant on your opinions and beliefs, but do you really think marriage equals commitment and loyalty, more than an awesome, loyal, loving man that doesn't put that ring on your finger? If so, where do divorces, annulments etc fit into that viewpoint?

[lostnscared]

You can repeat the title of your thread and think this is not about judging or stereotypes?

 

Exactly. OP whether you want to admit it or not, you are judging the fact that this man has never been married but has children. Why else would you make this thread asking what our opinions are? It's about judging a person for not following society's traditional path of college, long term dating, marriage then children. Not everyone follows the same path and not everyone values the same things. If marriage is important to you then it's important to find a marriage-minded man. If a man that WAS married when he had his kids is important to you then maybe this guy isn't the right guy for you. Not everyone thinks marriage is important, not everyone thinks marriage needs to be required before having a child, and for some people accidents happen. We don't know enough about this man to say anything about what we think. It's about what you think.

 

Personally I have no issue with a man who had a child out of wedlock. But that's because my values toward marriage are not very strong. I had children out of wedlock. I was in an 8 year relationship and got pregnant. We were engaged and called it off. Things changed once the children were brought into the relationship(amongst other things) and we realized that we were not compatible anymore(we did try but could not make it work). Based on that experience, I understand that "things happen". And therefore I would be able to overlook someone who had something happen, as long as they were a responsible, kind-hearted human being who wanted the same things I wanted.

 

You have to decide what you WANT.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wonder what do you guys think about guys on their 40's. have kids but never married. I understand that everyone is different, but when I talk about this with my guy friends they told me to stay away from these type of guys if I want a serious relationship and have a family in the future.

 

So I wonder what do you guys think?

 

Lots of guys in their twenties have children with a woman and never marry her..then they go on to marry some other woman once they hit their thirties or forties. The real issue, no matter what the age of the guy: why are they no longer with the mother of their children, whom they never married.

[Throwaway999]

As somebody who is over 40 (no kids, thankfully), I find this thread kind of hilarious!

 

Allcity, your attempts to bring LOGIC to the discussion are funny, but probably won't convince the OP or anybody else. Nobody would ask "What do you think about a guy who is 34 with kids but never married?" or 27 or pick any age. 40 is one of those big round numbers that, if you are younger, seems like a million years from now and you assume YOU will have everything together and have your life sorted completely by then! Reality, of course, is much different. I don't seem to recall there being quite so much dread associated with turning 30 among my friends, it seems like most were glad to finally get to an age where they were considered completely "adult," but now apparently turning 40 puts you over the hill, so any flaws you have at 39 are that much worse at 40 (like having children from previous relationships).

 

You can see this on the dating sites, people (both men AND women!) will set their age range to stop at 38 or 39, regardless of their age. In my brief and abortive foray into online dating, I saw women who where like 36 or 37 who were willing to date a 28 year old man, but nobody above 40. So, I can only assume that the men are even worse.

 

But anyway, it is all relative. From being a musician, I hang out with people in a pretty wide age range, from early 20s to their 50s and 60s. Some people live hard and look like **** by the time they are 30, some 50 year olds look better than those 20 years younger. Something about the combination of poverty and avoidance of responsibility really makes some musicians age well! And of course the same thing is true not just with looks, but with having your life together. Some 50 year olds lives are a mess when they are at a point in their lives when younger people think they would "have it all together" by then, and some younger people have a good head on their shoulders and make better decisions than those twice their age.

 

I would hope that by the time 50 or 60 rolls around people, will have given up on those kinds of expectations, but who knows? Somewhere right now there is probably a 50 year old judging a 65 year old for not having grandkids yet or whatever you get judged for at 65...

 

Oh, and to get all "ghost of Christmas future" on you young whippersnappers... unless you get hit by a bus or something, IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU! oooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo (scary ghost noises)

[Batya33]

I got married in my 40s and my husband was in his 40s -never married no kids. I avoided dating men who had children because of the added responsibilities/complications. If I were the OP I would want to know all the circumstances of why he was a single dad before making a judgment call (that is if I was ok with someone who had children).

[needhelp6]

I wonder what do you guys think about guys on their 40's. have kids but never married. I understand that everyone is different, but when I talk about this with my guy friends they told me to stay away from these type of guys if I want a serious relationship and have a family in the future.

 

So I wonder what do you guys think?

 

 

I think you cant form any opinion of a man based solely on the fact he is in his 40s, with child(ren) and neve married.

 

Every circumstance is different. has he had prior long term relationships? What was the relationship(s) with the child(ren)'s mother like? What is is his lifestyle like?

 

"40s never married" isnt enough to form an opinion as to someones date-ability.

 

Not all people choose the status quo path in life, and for good reason!

 

I'm a guy in his mid 40's, never been married with an elementary school age daughter. I spent my younger years focused on my career, never even thought of marriage. Then in my mid 30's I met a wonderful woman and we had a child together and were together for 10 years. We just never got around to getting married, it wasn't a priority for us. Today we are no longer together and I'm dating a woman in her mid 30's, divorced no kids. The fact that I haven't been married doesn't seem like a pro or con to her. I'm the first to admit I'm a long-term/relationship guy, I'm probably more of a long-term/relationship guy than many of my married friends. My point is I think every situation is different.

[Throwaway999]

I got married in my 40s and my husband was in his 40s -never married no kids. I avoided dating men who had children because of the added responsibilities/complications. If I were the OP I would want to know all the circumstances of why he was a single dad before making a judgment call (that is if I was ok with someone who had children).

 

I never would have considered dating a woman with kids when I was younger, but now that I am older there are women out there with grown children! Just as an example, I have one friend who was a single mom and I always thought she was pretty cute, but back when I was in my 20s, the responsibilities/complications would have just been too much. Now, her kid is almost 18, and while it isn't like there wouldn't be ANY, the responsibilities and complications are of a nature I think I could probably handle at this point. I wouldn't rule out somebody who had children from a previous relationship now.

 

This friend just got married recently, so she found some guy who felt the same way, obviously!

[EssexMan]

Now, her kid is almost 18, and while it isn't like there wouldn't be ANY, the responsibilities and complications are of a nature I think I could probably handle at this point.

 

If there's just one child, of that age, I think you could almost totally insulate yourself from child-related issues if you wanted to.

 

Obviously they would occasionally impact at second-hand. But it's not like you're going to be woken in the night by an 18-year-old screaming.

 

Er, well, actually you are, but for different reasons, it's a different bottle they're motivated by

[missjulie529]

I would think that he has committment issues.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would think that he has committment issues.

 

Plenty of married men have commitment issues as well. Marriage doesn`t suddenly make someone no longer afraid of commitment. Plenty of married men (and women) cheat, plenty of married men (and women) have no emotional connection to their spouse and just muddle through their marriage. Commitment is more than just being in a long-term relationship or getting married.. commitment is also about how you treat the relationship you are in...loyalty, compassion, emotionally there. Plenty of so-called committed people (married) are not loyal, compassionate and emotionally there with the spouse...they simply like having the social status and financial perks of being a couple.

[missjulie529]

Plenty of married men have commitment issues as well. Marriage doesn`t suddenly make someone no longer afraid of commitment. Plenty of married men (and women) cheat, plenty of married men (and women) have no emotional connection to their spouse and just muddle through their marriage. Commitment is more than just being in a long-term relationship or getting married.. commitment is also about how you treat the relationship you are in...loyalty, compassion, emotionally there. Plenty of so-called committed people (married) are not loyal, compassionate and emotionally there with the spouse...they simply like having the social status and financial perks of being a couple.

 

You're right people can be unfaithful either way, but I mean..maybe he thinks that if he got married he would feel like he's OBLIGATED to be committed since it's a legal processing..like..maybe hes afraid of it not working out and doesn't want to go through the pain of getting divorced..

[itsallgrand]

I think it depends what you are looking for. First of all, are you alright with dating and potentially being with a man who has kids?

 

See that would be a dealbreaker for me right there if I was dating. Because I was looking for a man with no prior marriage/no kids. Lucky for me, there are some out there.

 

Other than that, I don't see how him not being married would be a doomsday call for not being able to commit. I'd be more concerned about dating a divorced guy than one who hasn't been married. Because of what I am looking for.

 

Other than that, if you are open to him having kids, then you would have to get to know the person a bit and find out the circumstances and what they are wanting and what they have to offer. To decide if that person could potential be a match, or if there are other deal breakers that come out.

 

I don't think it is any different than dating any body.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You're right people can be unfaithful either way, but I mean..maybe he thinks that if he got married he would feel like he's OBLIGATED to be committed since it's a legal processing..like..maybe hes afraid of it not working out and doesn't want to go through the pain of getting divorced..

 

The thing with having children with someone is that is already a commitment for life. You are stuck dealing with the mother of the children for life...so anybody who thinks they are getting away without a legal commitment just because they aren't married, are not dealing with reality...because once there are children involved, there are all kinds of legal and financial issues that get tied in.