I plan to commit suicide

[tiredofvampires]

You said that you have a doctor who DOES take you seriously. I understand that he referred you to the crisis team, but I'm wondering if you can explicitly tell him this:

 

I also still wish that someone would just sit with me long enough to listen to me, to offer me the help I need, to give me a chance, I wish if there was anything anyone could do, that they would do it. I'd accept being hospitalised, I'd accept therapy sessions with someone who had the time to listen, i've already accepted medication, I would accept anything, but I can't accept what doesn't get offered.

 

and beg him to DIRECTLY contact the hospital or some inpatient facility himself, or to have a direct conversation with the crisis team, to ask them to admit you. He needs to over-ride the idiots who evaluate you and talk to staff who can admit you somewhere.

 

I don't understand how a doctor is in no position to admit you himself, if he warrants it medically necessary. I understand long waits, but there are such things as psychiatric emergencies, and this is one. Ask him how he can arrange for you to be triaged ahead (that means, put ahead of others) due to the emergency situation here, as your suicide is like standing on a ledge 50 storeys up.

 

I also can't imagine that a psychiatrist in the UK only sees his or her patients every 2 months. What about regular psychiatric patients who need regular services? Right now, you need a doctor who believes you to intervene by appealing to any hospital or inpatient board and going above the heads of bottom-level workers. Bottom-level workers just act like robots, so you need for your doctor to appeal on your behalf to get you committed to an inpatient facility. Don't just get "referred" -- he needs to do the arrangement himself, on the basis on critical need and triage. Tell him all the things you have on hand for your suicide and tell him that every day your partner is goading you to suicide and emotionally abusing you.

 

BUT YOU ALSO NEED TO KEEP THIS IN MIND: anyone would be depressed under your circumstances. It's just cause and effect. If I touch a hot stove, my hand is going to get burned. If someone is abusing you, or many people are abusing you for years, your brain is going to get "burned." So this is an appropriate response to life situations. But when you have a burn from the stove, is it right for you to cut off your hand because the line in front of the burn unit is long? Or because they put a sloppy dressing on it? No, you don't cut off your hand -- you go back and show them that they have poorly addressed it, and you realize that your hand does not need to be amputated, it needs to be given treatment so it can heal.

 

So in the same way, you can't amputate your life because you have been injured -- you and your life have the capacity to heal, if you get the right care and change the circumstances you're now living in that perpetuate the cycle. I know it's exhausting trying, but imagine one day being away from your abusive partner and feeling proud that you finally found that self-care and healing to move forward. This is a problem with a solution. So you have to understand that it would be as tragic and mistaken to end your life as to chop off your hand when there are treatments for burns that work.

 

I believe with the proper care, you could have a new lease on life. I can tell from your posts that you are a resilient person with a lot of motivation, even though very depressed, so you have great potential here to recover, once you GET the help!! So don't throw that all away!

 

I have a friend working in the NHS, and he got to inpatient care for something critical. Then he was seeing a therapist twice a week, to maintain him. He was in London and maybe his being an NHS worker helped him. But I wonder if you are going to leave -- can you leave to London? A city with more services, and go into a women's crisis center there?

 

Certainly, taking a train to a place where you CAN show up and get care at an emergency facility would be better than leaving the planet for good.

[tiredofvampires]

Perhaps, happydoodle, you should start a thread in the Health: Mind, Body, Spirit forum (which more posters see than the suicide forum) specifically asking posters in the UK what sort of crisis clinics are available and how to get to them without all the bureaucracy. I'm sure there are good ones, and maybe you need to go somewhere else for them. Even your friend is appalled at your care, and she lives in the UK. So don't let location stop you from this! It might be some travel, but your life is priceless!!

[Adastrajane]

About 25 years ago, had a terrible depressive illness. I'd had them before but nothing that bad. I also had my secret plan. Against my will, I was admitted to hospital. Started on a different medication and sent home the next day. My little boy was just sitting in the garden with such a worried expression. When he saw me come up the driveway, the relief and joy on his little face was heart breaking. The medication worked. It took weeks to start feeling better, but eventually I could actually feel the lift in my spirits like a light had been switched on. Over the weeks, the light switched on earlier and earlier in the day until, at last, the terrible sensation was gone.

 

I have been on that medication for the past 25 years, and I have been well. I went to university, got promotions, started my own business 8 years ago. For some unknown reason, and in spite of the medication, I am again suffering in depression. But this time I know, even though my depressed brain tries not to let me believe it, that I can get better again.

 

Put the kids in a pram and go for a walk.

Go to the park.

Make a list of everything you are grateful for.

Keep yourself and your kids warm.

Eat regular meals

TURN OFF THE TELEVISION

Listen to uplifting music.

Read about others who have suffered as we do and how they have coped.

Make another list of all you are grateful for.

Join a mother and baby group

Go and help with meals on wheels.

Bake cakes and biscuits.

Read Tony Robbins books unlimited Power and awaken the giant within.

 

You have to work at getting better. You don't want to work, because your depressed brain is telling you that nothing will work. Don't listen to it. As soon as sad thoughts take over your brain, tell them to get lost. Put on loud music and dance ( whether you want to or not). Think happy thoughts. If you have no happy memories, make some up! Think about that movie that made you laugh.

 

You will have to work at it, but you can get there.

[happydoodle]

I have managed to keep myself at home. I an seeing someone at the doctors surgery tomorrow. I will give it another chance. I will tell them how i'm feeling, I will tell them what plan to do if i'm left alone any longer, because I know I want this to change. Deep down I want to be well, happy, I want to enjoy life. Depending on what happens tomorrow, I will take my next action. I don't know what that is yet, i'm really just exhausted, tomorrow will be the last cry for help I make. There won't be a next time if they shrug me off again. I'll make sure they know that too. If they do shrug me off, I hope their ignorance will be punished as it's wrong. And the thought that they are treating other people the way they have treat me makes my stomach churn.

[onelittleladybug]

HD I am so glad to hear that, I cannot even tell you. Thats an excellent plan, go see the doctor tomorrow and talk to other people as well if you can. Tell them everything, hold nothing back. Make them listen to you, refuse to leave if you have to. Call 999 if no one is listening. Then remember we are here, we are listening to you. You have my contact info, you can talk to me any time. Im about 8 or 9 hrs behind you in time zone but my hours have been weird lately. I just want you to know Im here for you. Fight for this, you deserve it. You know you have friends on this board, we are rooting for you and we are here for you.

[shaynah]

How are things? How did it go with the doctor?

[onelittleladybug]

Happydoodle my friend finally emailed! Turns out she didnt get my message until a week later as I sent to the wrong email addy. She didnt have any new resources to go to in the UK but she did say this (which I thought was pretty big) - that your GP is able to refer you to therapy! She said it is very important to get your GP to work with you on this, the way she put it is to try to get him/her on your team. She said that since you are meeting with crisis team they already consider this a serious issue but she said that resources vary depending on location and that while in some places you get immediate access to psychologists/psychiatrists, other places especially small ones may have a waiting list that is more difficult to handle. She stressed that there are no magic solutions, most of the work you do yourself with the guidance of professionals. She gave me 2 websites that she highly recommends for you to read and familiarize yourself with:

 

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I really hope this helps. I browsed over and I think there is some really interesting stuff on these sites. My mother has been depressed and I am excited for her to read this too. I have had seasonal mood disorder this winter, not nearly as bad as full on depression but I still need a bit of help so I will be reading this myself.

[tempestuousX]

This hit home for me. I haven't managed to post anything yet, but reading you post literally feels exactly who I do. Hopeless. I just want the confirmation so it'll make it okay. Someone to say to me "You know what Sage? You've suffered enough. Make yourself happy"

 

If you find another option that actually WORKS. I'd love to know.

[icantsay]

hi happydoodle,

I've been following your thread, and i hope you are ok. how are things?

just know someone is thinking of you!

[happydoodle]

Hi, I am now on a psychiatric ward and have been for the last 2 Weeks. Things got bad. Things still aren't better, I still regularly have thoughts of self harm and suicide but am in a safe environment. It appears this is going to have to be something I'll learn to deal with. There is no magic cure or tablet that they can give. Some days are ok, and my mood changes very quickly from feeling hopeless to feeling strong enough to take on the world. Very confusing and very difficult. Hoping I can learn to handle it a bit better and get out of here and get my kids back with me. Thanks for your comment.

hi happydoodle,

I've been following your thread, and i hope you are ok. how are things?

just know someone is thinking of you!

[shaynah]

Hang in there happydoodle. I too am thinking of you.

[happydoodle]

I would love to tell you that my trip to hospital was a positive life changing point....but if I said that I've be lying. They decided there was nothing they could do to help and discharged me with no extra help than I had before I went in. I have spent the majority if the time in bed in tears since I got let out. I can't look after kids, I feel more depressed then I ever have. I didn't feel ready to leave the hospital, I feel like they'd support me to kill myself, as it would be 1 less in the system. I'm trying to look for things to motivate me, but I just end up in tears. I feel so sad and unhappy.

[MarkieDaBarkie]

@happydoodle, It is of course not true that they would think of you as one less problem in the system, and even if they did? **** them! You have the power to take over the world! I just read your thread and it brought tears to my eyes... It saddens me greatly to hear about another human being in such pain... I hope you'll find happiness in the world somehow, someday... I also hope you don't have suicidal thoughts anymore!

[Bearey28]

I have experienced suicide. My boyfriend's ex-wife hanged herself last June on his birthday. Lots of people were very upset, including myself. Yet, over the time, we have realized that she did not deserve the respect to be mourned. My boyfriend is starting to get angry at her, finally!!! Now I understand why it is the most selfish action anybody could do. It does cause everyone to blame oneself. I even blamed myself for god's sake!!!!! Suicide will cause you to get yourself be at the lowest level of respect even after death.

[tiredofvampires]

@Bearey: I completely understand your reaction, and the anger is very justified. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss you've all gone through. It's such an awful thing to do to everyone, it IS an incredibly self-absorbed act, and no one comes out without lifelong scars. And OP's children will carry this cross on their backs for a lifetime. You do know that, OP?

 

But people who commit suicide or think of doing it don't really care about being respected after they're gone. They just want to be out of pain. So to threaten them with lack of respect I think is fruitless. I don't think many of them feel respected right now, as it is.

 

Happydoodle, you need to get away from the toxic influences in your life. You have an abusive relationship with your SO, and that repeats many of the messages that make you feel like hell. What are you doing to actively work to get this relationship out of your life? It's a cancer, and you have to cut all the cancers out that feed your depression and feelings of worthlessness.

 

Are you on medications now? Did the hospital set you up with an ongoing therapist?

 

Because that's what you need. ONGOING therapy.

 

What was your experience there like? What sort of things did they try to do to rehabilitate you?

[happydoodle]

Hi, a little update on me, i'm doing a bit better, managing to make some plans for a future. Its hard and its going to take time for things to be ok, but for now, they are very much more bearable than they have been for the last 6 months.

Beary, I understand what you are saying about it being selfish and you would have no respect after death, but looking back on how bad I was feeling, at the time I really couldn't have given a damn, I just wanted my pain to end, and to not hurt others with how I felt. Couldn't see at the time that it would effect anyone negatively. That wasn't something I had control over, yes it may have been a selfish choice, but looking back I see how desperate I was. It was an awful 6 months! It was hell.

Tiredofvampires, my experience in hospital was ok. There want much help offered in there regarding therapy, it just gave me a chance to think things through and be safe. I was not given any medication, and therapy is something I am still not receiving. I will have to wait to receive done CBT, but other than that, nothing more is being done.

I still have thoughts about suicide, but alot less frequent and they aren't as strong as they were. Of course I great if I don't do something about my home situation, it could effect my mental health again in the future, but for now, i'm going to try and start living 2013. this year just hasn't started in my mind, its been a blur. I feel like I haven't been here for the last 5 months. I need to try and start living. I'll get there

[todayisrough]

Happydoodle! You are a strong person! Don't listen when people say it is selfish and just go to hospital and get treatment! I told numerous doctors about having an eating disorder and depression when I was 17 and never got help except being threatened with* If you don't stop then..* I called a self help line once after I had cancer and was cutting myself and they brushed me off. The guy on it was even hurtful and blamed me for being emotional! One thing I will tell you! No one is responsible for your happiness except yourself! I blamed a lot of these people not helping me, family not taking me seriously until I was only 38kg .. Only you can change it and you need to heal and forgive yourself! Try to find more outlets for your depression.. Eating healthy.. sports.. forcing yourself to go out with friends... etc.. I know depression I know this is hard! I just want to say Bravo you've made it this far! Baby steps xx

[Hisilarn]

It's great that you're better, but if you're still having those thoughts, you should do something about them. Doctors and therapies can help, but you should find your inner peace yourself. Meditation can give you a new, peaceful life, if you believe in God you can try to find a religious community as well. Also, and forgive me if it sounds a bit harsh, you should try to care a bit less about yourself, and more about others. If you look for oppertunities to help others whenever you can, you'll forget about your own problems easier and also feel a lot better. You need to find a permanent solution, inner peace.