I plan to commit suicide

[happydoodle]

I understand. But think about this - the best way to guarantee disappointment is to NOT ask for help. By asking you increase your chances of getting what you need. Im curious, if you were certain to receive what you need, what would you ask for?

 

I don't know what I'd ask for. I guess I just want these suicide thoughts to leave. Even when i'm busy doing something, the thoughts are there and i'm thinking about when I should act on them. It just feels like a "when it will happen" rather than something that can be prevented. No other option makes any sense, I just feel like I'll keep pushing myself until I go through with it and there is nothing that can happen that will stop it. I want to do it now. It doesn't feel wrong, it feels like this is what I am supposed to do. Like I shouldn't keep fighting the feelings, because they will win in the end, just like when someone is beat by cancer, I've been beat by mental illness. I just want to give in now. I'm not scared of pain, of death I'd be more scared of living afterwards than anything else. And not because of the pain, but because I don't want to keep facing each and every day like i'm ok when i'm not, like i'm happy when i'm not.

[Looptd]

I'm sure you've heard a thousand reason to not go through with it. But what matters most is you haven't. You made it trough yesterday, and the day before that. You can continue to have good moments in these tough days.

 

Life will never be easy, and that goes for everyone. So you sit here and make it day by day. Enjoy your kids and their accomplishments. And keep trying to find the help that works. Try different doctors with different methods. A new perspective may be what you need.

 

There may be a fix out there for you that you haven't found yet. And visualize a day where you can look back and appretiate everything you have becuase of what it took for you to get there.

[onelittleladybug]

OK. Its really good that you talk about this, thank you for sharing this with me. I am not an expert, but I learned a bit about this from my own episode that I talked about before. Because your body is unable to process or feel positive feelings your experience is one sided. Its like you get to see only a small part, in reality there is a lot more and an infinite range of emotions but depression gives you tunnel vision. If you were to get better, I personally think that its extremely important that you stop acting like you are doing better than you are. You are not doing anyone any favors by it. On the other hand, the kind of faking that does help is to make yourself do something that you dont have a desire for but does make you feel better afterwards, even if its only for a moment. I think there is a part of you that still wants to fight. I may be wrong, Im not pretending to know more about you than yourself, but for me that means there is still hope.

 

This may sound silly, it may even be totally silly, but do you think it is possible to take a break from the painful thoughts - like deciding to take a pause from work? Im not asking you to stop feeling, but maybe get a couple minutes here and there free of thoughts where you decide to deal with this later and not in this moment. Im describing something that I do when I feel bad, I am not sure how it works when the feelings are this intense but I thought it worth mentioning. I think you are exhausted and I think you need a break but not the kind you are talking about.

[happydoodle]

No one has ever let me express my feelings and been ok with it. I've always had to sit and say i'm ok, even if I haven't been. No one has ever wanted to hear it and they still don't now. I just feel like a burden and as much as I have been a burden to my parents in growing up, I will burden my kids and partner with me and my stupid feelings too. They shouldn't see there mum be sad All the time. They deserve so much better.

It would be great to shut out the thoughts and feelings, even for a few minutes, but I just can't do it, the more I try not to think, the more I try to distract, the harder they come back and smack me in the face. I'm scared to do things that I may enjoy, because after the rise, there is always one hell of a fall afterwards and I can't handle the fall. The smash back into reality of how i'm really feeling.

[onelittleladybug]

Then its no wonder how bad things have become, because it is extremely important that you get to talk about your feelings. Your loved ones can be the worst people to have around in this condition because they do not know how to deal. Likely they are afraid and reacting counter-productively. Your children will love you no matter what and they will miss you and crave for your company. They will not be fine without you. But feeling guilty is not going to help you get and feel better. They do deserve their mother but you also deserve to feel joy. I understand what you said about diversions. I think I can imagine how that must feel.

 

Have you ever had therapy? When did this start for you?

[shaynah]

Feel free to express how you feel on here. We are listening and not judging or wanting you to pretend everything is okay.

[tiredofvampires]

I am late to this thread, happydoodle, but this:

 

I have pushed for the help as far as it will go for me. I have spoken to the professional mental health workers in this area, they have patronised me, just told me it would be a shame cos i'm young. 8 years feeling like **** on and off.more than enough for anyone. I'm just tired, exhausted. I just can't keep asking for help to be let down. I clearly am not worth the hassle. I clearly don't deserve to be happy, i'm just exhausted from trying.

 

is actually what you need to SAY OUT LOUD, AND VERY ANGRILY, to the mental health crisis team, your doctor, anyone who can see you next. Make an appointment as soon as possible, and raise your voice loudly, saying,

 

"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET INTENSIVE CARE FOR SERIOUS SUICIDAL PLANS? I HAVE DONE WHAT EVERY MENTAL HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL SAYS, WHICH IS TO REACH OUT FOR HELP, AND EVERY TIME I DO, YOU BASTARDS SEND ME HOME, OR YOU PATRONIZE ME BY SAYING CLICHES LIKE IT WOULD BE A SHAME BECAUSE I'M YOUNG. I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MORE THAN HALF A DOZEN TIMES THAT I AM PREPARED WITH THE MATERIALS TO DO THE DEED, AND I HAVE INTENTIONS TO DO IT, AND IT SEEMS THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO SINK HERE, NOT SWIM. I CAN'T COMMIT MYSELF TO A HOSPITAL FOR TREATMENT, ONLY YOU CAN; I CAN'T BE MY OWN THERAPIST, I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME ONE!!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PRIDE I'VE HAD TO SWALLOW TO COME HERE ASKING FOR HELP AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND A-BLOODY-GAIN?!! THIS IS NOT A FAKE, A JOKE, A HOAX, AN EXAGGERATION, AND THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ME HAVE BEEN URGING ME TO DO, BUT UNLESS YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, I'M EXTREMELY HELPLESS HERE. DO I HAVE TO DIE AT MY OWN HAND FROM THESE INTENSE, SERIOUS URGES AND THE STUFF I ALREADY HAVE IN MY HOUSE? HOW MUCH DOES A PERSON HAVE TO REACH OUT WITH CRIES FOR HELP TO GET THE SERIOUS HELP THEY NEED? EVERY TIME, THIS GETS MORE FUTILE AND HUMILIATING, ADDING TO MY DEPRESSION. WHAT I HAVE BEEN GETTING IS NOT ENOUGH -- IS MY DEATH THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BE CONVINCING? DO YOU EVEN CARE? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING???"

 

Sorry for the rant, I am just feeling your frustration, and the problem may be that you haven't shown them how desperate you are, you've just told them how desperate you are. SHOW THEM. What you said above may be good enough, as it's so from-the-heart. But you need to be very forceful.

 

If I were you, I'd make such a scene, they'd really be shaken awake. Don't express it like a madwoman, but express it with very firm anger and good eye contact.

 

Also, my apologies if I've missed this somewhere in here, but it seems you're only getting medication. While that's good to be working on and adjusting, you DO NEED a therapist. You clearly have a long history that has broken you down, and that HAS to be talked about to start feeling better, too. Our thoughts about our lives need to be examined, the reasons why we've started to feel this way need to be brought into the open, into the light. I'm suspecting many, many things have piled up from childhood, and none of this has ever been really talked about. Or if it has, it's been with people who were not really capable (again, excuse me if this was discussed.)

 

Stories are powerful. You have to tell your story to someone who doesn't just brush you off or treat you like a number. A good therapist really cares about getting to the deeper reasons why you are suffering so much, so you can unpeel those layers slowly like an onion, and they can guide you to shifting the way you perceive those events and feelings. There's a reason you chose a partner who is abusive, and that stems from earlier abuse, most likely. So this is material that has to be dealt with in regular, ONGOING one-on-one sessions.

 

If you don't have a therapist who is of this quality, or one at all, demand in the above tirade that you be assigned to someone else or get the care you need as an inpatient with someone who can follow you after you are NO LONGER A DANGER TO YOURSELF, and don't give up until you find that person you "click" with. There are a lot of mediocre therapists out there, but you have to start someplace, and it seems to me that this component of your treatment is greatly lacking. When I have been where you are, I've had a therapist telling me they would commit me if I said I had a plan, and she was following me each day during crisis.

 

You deserve the same, and I'm proud of you for trying so hard. That shows you know you deserve better! Just don't stop -- step it up a notch.

 

Remember each day that "deep down, you don't want to die." Don't do something that the deceased you would look upon and say, "I really didn't want to do that. I wish I hadn't done that." Continue to fight for life, because that is the healthy part of you inside there, talking.

[happydoodle]

I have seen mental health workers in the past about 5 years ago, but after I turned 18 that service dropped me because they only dealt with children and adolescents. Since then I haven't received any help or therapy.

I have been refereed to a mental health worker, but due to such high demand, appointments are so far apart it is extremely unhelpful (waiting a month between appointments). I haven't got a choice over who I see and when. The doctor took my cries for help seriously but he is near powerless when it comes to hospitalising and getting further help, that is the crisis teams job, and again due to such high demand, there services are very limited, and they would not take me seriously until I have actively failed a suicide attempt and even then they are still happy to let you walk away (when I tried killing myself at 16, they didn't refer me to anyone, they let me walk out the hospital and didn't listen to a word I said) and they will just patronise now, they haven't changed one bit, but that is the only professional services we have in this area. We have a mental health hospital, but because I am able to look after myself, I won't be sectioned, no matter how much of a risk to myself I am. I don't want to see the crisis team again, I would be far too angry at them if they ignored me again. I'd rather die then have to be patronised and made to feel even worse by those who call themselves "professionals"!

[onelittleladybug]

TOV I completely agree. HD Im glad to see you today.

 

I dont know how this works over there, can you call a therapist and set up an appointment and have them deal with the insurance system?

[happydoodle]

No, it doesn't work like that here. I only know of the free services offered by the NHS. I can imagine there are private therapists available, but I wouldn't be able to afford their services.

[onelittleladybug]

Do you live in a small town? I believe the clinic my friend worked at offers free help (although not 100% sure) but that was in London.

[happydoodle]

Do you live in a small town? I believe the clinic my friend worked at offers free help (although not 100% sure) but that was in London.

 

I am no where near London. In a sea side town. My partner has come home from work, earlier than he should have done. We have argued, I can't do this anymore. This isn't going to change, I can't do it anymore. I've had enough. thank you for all advice and help you have offered. I'm leaving tonight, and I won't be coming back. All I ever wanted was to be loved, cared about, treat as if I deserved to be happy. I can't do this anymore.

[onelittleladybug]

Is your partner in the house now?

[happydoodle]

Is your partner in the house now?

 

Yes, he is here to take care of the children. I an going to leave in an hour or so, when he is occupied by the TV. He won't even know i'm gone.

[onelittleladybug]

Where are you going?

[happydoodle]

Where are you going?

 

Anywhere, somewhere quiet, where I won't be found quickly. I fear life more than I fear death,

[onelittleladybug]

What did you and your partner fight about?

[happydoodle]

Nothing really, I just told him to shut up because he came in, being all noisy, I had just put kids to bed and I didn't want them disturbing. He's keeps trying to wind me up, well he managed it then took offence when I reacted telling him to shut up. I was planning to take more tablets anyway before he got home, when he walked in, I think I was upset that I wouldn't be able to do that too. He is just as patronising as the mental health workers. Tells me I put on the depression, he makes me feel pathetic. He told me if I carry on talking to him like he's a child, he's going to start on me again and bragged that I would end up back at drs wanting more anti depressants.

[onelittleladybug]

Yeah that doesnt sound very nice. Why did you let him back in the house?

[happydoodle]

I think deep down, I have always known that I will end up killing myself, I can't do that without him here. Now I can leave when ever I want, as the children will be getting looked after.

[onelittleladybug]

Does he know how you feel now? How serious this is for you?

[happydoodle]

No, if I told him, he would only get angry, tell me how selfish I am, tell me i'm pathetic and childish, and threaten to ring people like my parents because he doesn't want to know. No one wants to know, not him, not friends, not family, not even the mental health team. How can I care about myself when I know no one else cares about me.

[onelittleladybug]

But see thats actually the opposite. When youre surrounded by selfish people you have to care for yourself more than ever. Prove them all wrong about you by staying and eventually find what you need. There is help, but you have to find it and you cant find it if you dont look for it. So far you have asked for help with the NHS, your spouse and your parents and not received it. That sucks, but that doesnt mean the help doesnt exist it just means you cant see it in the moment. Sometimes its really just hiding behind the next street corner.

 

If you give up because they are ***holes, thats just not right. Someone once said to me rubber duckies dont swim. I dont know what that was supposed to mean originally but I can tell you what it means to me - to not expect something from people that is not their nature to give. You will only be disappointed, lonely and depressed. If someone cant give you the love you need, then find someone who can. If you leave you will miss out because I personally promise you that you can and will get better if you stick around to make it happen.

 

Get angry, go out and throw a rock in a storefront or something crazy like that but give yourself a chance because you deserve it. Thats the only thing I can say and I dont just believe it, I know it. I know your tired, it is exhausting to be so unhappy when nothing is changing. You have to change something but not this way because this isnt change, this is defeat and this guarantees you never receive the life you deserve.

[happydoodle]

I just want all this to stop. I'm not angry now, i'm just tired, so tired. I wish I'd never been born, I wish I'd never had a chance with life........but I also still wish that someone would just sit with me long enough to listen to me, to offer me the help I need, to give me a chance, I wish if there was anything anyone could do, that they would do it. I'd accept being hospitalised, I'd accept therapy sessions with someone who had the time to listen, i've already accepted medication, I would accept anything, but I can't accept what doesn't get offered. I can't accept what they systems don't think I need. Theonly help they want to offer, is to wrap my body in a body bag, and even then, I doubt the system would admit to it's mistakes, I doubt it would admit that they could have prevented my death. The system is so wrong, I haven't asked for help in 5 years, I don't ask until I really need it, I really need it now, I really needed it 2 Weeks ago, then I wouldn't be in this state now, why couldn't they just help, why couldn't they protect me from myself? That's all I wanted, why was it too much to ask?

[onelittleladybug]

I completely understand how you feel. More than you know. I have been debating telling you more details of my story but for now I feel its more important to listen to you. I want you to know you are welcome to email me, PM me here, go on Google talk... Anything that helps. I also am still waiting to hear from my friend the psychologist. She is in Europe and I am on US west coast so there is time difference and it looks like she is traveling. She will have some insight about this when I finally reach her.

 

I also want to tell you something about me: I am a person with a problem in life which is I dont ask for help until the very last moment and then its often too late or too hard for others to help me. I am trying to change this myself. The thing is everyone needs help and theres no shame in that. The other thing is you wont receive it unless you ask but you have to give people time to help you. What I have found is that many times when I contact someone for help and they cant give me what I need, they have information about someone or something else that can offer some help. Sometimes I have to bounce from one party to another before I find anything. The important thing is to not give up too soon.

 

On that note, would you be willing to give that Maytree organization a call? Consider this - if you are uncomfortable you can just hang up on them. If they are not for you they might know of some other resources. I have the feeling a private organization might be more responsive.