I plan to commit suicide

[OhioBird]

I think you need taken care of, some TLC. Go to your doctor, explain to him what you said here. People will help you when you need it. At least try all your options. Seriously, what do you really have to lose?? I hit rocl bottom so many times, I have learned to do things for ME and thats that. I am much happier that way. GIve it a try, your telling us on here, so you must want to try. Good Luck, chin up!

[happydoodle]

Thoughts have been coming back again. It feels like its something I'd consider doing again. I can feel myself planning it in my head. Thinking about it more often and feeling more like its something I want to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought I was doing ok. Nothing bad has happened, nothing that should be mashing me think like this, I just don't know what's going on. I still have everything I need in the house. Why are these feelings coming back? I feel myself faking everything I do, faking my smile, acting how people want me to be. I don't know how much longer I can do this

[shaynah]

You remind me so much of myself when I was with my ex after I had my first baby. I had really bad postpartum and it never got treated. If I got through, so can you. My life is completely turned around and amazing now. I came from a very dark place to this and NEVER dreamed it could be possible to get here. It IS possible though. I think a call to your doctor would be a place to start, maybe your new meds need adjusting or something. Being honest, like you are on here is the best thing you can do. Do you any friends who know how you feel and support you or family? If you feel really bad then I would recommend self admittance to a hospital.There they can keep you safe and get your meds sorted out.

[happydoodle]

No, I don't have any friends or family I can be honest with. I don't believe I would be admitted to hospital as I am still capable of looking after myself, its the suicide thoughts that i'm having problems with. And they aren't interested in helping you with them until you've acted on them I just don't know what's wrong with me.

[OhioBird]

Take one day at a time, Meds do work but not right away. Takes at least 2 weeks or more to build up in your system. If I may ask, what are you taking?

[shaynah]

That's really horrible they wont do anything unless you've acted on your thoughts...that could be too late! I'm so sorry you don't have anyone close to you who can help. Where i'm from you can take yourself to hospital admit yourself if you are really sick. Don't beat yourself up, you are already feeling bad enough. You have an illness like any other...cancer, diabetes ....mental illness is no different. It's something out of balance that needs intervention and treatment. You said before you see a regular doctor? Maybe a real psychiatrist would give you the treatment you need. You probably need counselling as well as medication. I think the two should always go together. One to help the physical imbalance in your brain, one to help change your thinking or even give you resources you might need for outside help to deal with your life circumstances. Either that, or it's a waiting game. Waiting for the meds to kick in properly. Do not give up!

[happydoodle]

I am on 20Mg Citilopram now. Previously I was on fluoxetine but that want going well.

I have been refereed to a mental health worker. I have been assessed and given another appointment for a months time. I am angry about this as it is the one thing I said I didn't want to happen. Seeing someone once a month isn't enough. I'm just so tired of thinking I'll be ok, then going back to having the same thoughts, the same feelings, feeling like suicide is the right option.

I just feel like its a waiting game, one day I just won't be able to cope anymore and that'll be it. I don't feel like I will get through this. There's too much. Nothing will change the way I think and feel. Just feels hopeless and i'm so tired. I keep imagining what I am going to do, visualizing it in my head, it doesn't feel so wrong, it feels right. I don't feel like me, I feel life i'm watching me from a distance, watching my fakeness, watching my fake laughs, fake smiles, watching myself cry, get angry, act happy. I don't feel like me, I feel so disconnected. I thought I was doing ok, but all I want to do is run away, escape from it all. I want to find somewhere quiet, remote, near no one,.where I won't be found, and take my alcohol and tablets with me. I just want to disappear from here, escape from my mind. I'm not scared of pain, death, nothing.

[ivywall]

I'm late to this post, but hope I'm here in time to tell you this. My mom was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 5. This was in the mid-80s, so it was an even more close minded world and mental health issues were so much more stigmatized and less understood than they are now. She ended up hospitalized for a significant amount of time to receive intense treatment. This helped her more than anything could before. She got out, found a path for herself, and never looked back. The main thing I wanted to say was she and my dad divorced short after, and she got custody of us. People respect the idea of trying to make yourself better and recognizing that you need help. Your kids need you, and love you, and you don't want to miss out on all of the things they are going to do. College, weddings, babies. You want to be there for that, I know you do. Getting help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strenght and something your kids will admire you for forever, trust me, I know this for a fact. Please hang in there and seek help, cling to the things you love, and never, ever, ever think you aren't of value or are a worthless person. You have more value than you could possibly know, and are here for a reason. You'll find that reason and everything will click into place. Please, take care of yourself and your little ones.

[happydoodle]

I'm feeling pretty awful again now, just how I did when I started this post. I'm just so tired. I don't feel strong enough for this. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to leave, I want to go do what I planned. I want to do it. Its driving me crazy feeling like this every day. I won't get better, I can't do it.

[onelittleladybug]

Happydoodle you said you were back with your partner. And now you feel worse. Any chance there is a connection?

[happydoodle]

Happydoodle you said you were back with your partner. And now you feel worse. Any chance there is a connection?

 

no...he's been nice. And helpful, but I feel no different. I feel worse by the day, suicide thoughts keep getting more and more frequent. I just can't do it. I don't want to wake up every day to feel this way. Suicide shouldn't even be something that crosses your mind, never mind it being the only thing you can think of. I just can't keep doing it. I'm so tired of trying, I want to do something, I need to do something. No one listens, no one helps, I can't help myself, it's my fault and I deserve to be punished. I need to do something to hurt myself, something that will shut the world out for a while or forever. I can't do it.

I'm selfish I know, i'm a coward, I shouldn't be thinking about me, I should be thinking about everyone else, but I can't do that anymore. I wish I'd died 6 years ago when I tried taking my life. I wish I'd have given up.

[onelittleladybug]

Suicide shouldn't even be something that crosses your mind, never mind it being the only thing you can think of.

 

I dont know if this helps at all, but I think a lot of people experience feeling like giving up at some point in their lives. Im not comparing this to your feelings but I dont think it helps you at all to think you "shouldnt" feel the way you do.

 

I can't help myself, it's my fault and I deserve to be punished.

 

No that is absolutely not so. What you deserve is to feel better and it very possible.

 

Do you know what happens in your body when you are depressed? This is a chemical imbalance that impairs your brain from picking up neurotransmitters that enable you to feel joy. It doesnt matter if it happens because of your sadness, or if your sadness is created by this deficiency - at some point your body needs help to repair this function in your body and restore your ability to feel positive feelings again. Like I said in a previous post, this is just like any other disease but because it messes with your head/emotions you need an intervention more than just drugs and obviously your drugs are not working for some reason. You need more help. I dont know why you are not getting it, it is frustrating to watch from a distance and not be able to do something for you because all we have here is writing to you. You should be in therapy, someone should be checking on you every day. I wish I could help you, I have a friend who worked in mental health care in the UK and I am going to ask her if she knows of any resources for you. Please PM me if you like. In the meantime, please try to keep fighting.

 

I know you are tired, I understand it. I had some kind of a breakdown over a decade ago and I did see someone who, much like you are describing, did not actually respond to my need. I told them I was suicidal and they didnt help me. I look back and I think about what if I had gone through with it, how much I would have missed. I am so grateful I am still around. I still to this day do not understand why the social worker didnt respond to my need, I never even got a follow up phone call from them. But I also know from other experience that there is help available. You just have to find it, you are currently not getting the right kind of help.

 

Please stay with us, come and post here. If it helps to talk and if you ever feel like it PM me.

[happydoodle]

You are not the only one who can't believe the lack of help I have been receiving. I also have a friend who works in mental health but she is in a different area to me. She can't believe how our system has treat me. I have had meetings and explained how I feel to about 6 different health professionals in the last 3 months, 4 of those were meant to be mental health professionals, been dismissed every time. They don't want to know. How can I keep pushing for help when I know they don't want too?

I started taking some of the tablets I have in last night, I plan to take more this evening. I just want to sit it all out. I'm not stripping enough for this. No one wants to know because I can still take care of my kids, I do that because I have too, I would get ripped to shreds by him if I didn't and I couldn't handle listening to him and his criticism. Once i'm not here anymore, I won't be able to hear the criticism, I won't be able to see the disappointed looks and hear people telling me i'm selfish and pathetic. Everyone will finally understand how I feel.

[onelittleladybug]

How can I keep pushing for help when I know they don't want too?

 

They probably want to but they are overworked and lacking in training. You need someone with more experience in dealing with this.

 

I do that because I have too, I would get ripped to shreds by him if I didn't and I couldn't handle listening to him and his criticism.

 

Based on what you just said your partner is contributing to your depression. You were getting better before he moved back in.

 

I also have a friend who works in mental health but she is in a different area to me.

 

Please call your friend now Happydoodle. Please.

[happydoodle]

I have pushed for the help as far as it will go for me. I have spoken to the professional mental health workers in this area, they have patronised me, just told me it would be a shame cos i'm young. 8 years feeling like **** on and off.more than enough for anyone. I'm just tired, exhausted. I just can't keep asking for help to be let down. I clearly am not worth the hassle. I clearly don't deserve to be happy, i'm just exhausted from trying.

[onelittleladybug]

I completely understand your exhaustion and your disappointment. You do deserve all the happiness in the world. I can assure you of that. You are completely worth the work, you have had bad luck because you havent found the right person to really help you. I know you have been let down but this can still change.

 

I want to help you. I have written to my friend who has worked in the system in the UK. She moved to another country, I wish you could see her directly because I know she could help you but I also know there are more people like her. I dont want to give you false hope but I really want to ask you to wait.

[onelittleladybug]

Happydoodle I am going to try to catch some sleep now but I will check on you when I wake up. Please think about what I said.

[shaynah]

Im sorry this has been such a struggle for you. I hope you will hang in there, if for no one but the sake of your children. If either one of your babies has depression because it can be genetic, you need to be there for them to help them through. They we be depressed anyway if they have to grow up without a Mom and a father who could be emotionally abusive to them without you there to protect them. It sounds to me like your relationship is really bringing you down and that would be my first order of action. Tell him you need more then a weekend break and see how you end up feeling. I honestly think if you can get on your own without your husband and start gaining some independence and start living your life the way you want to live it as much as you can, you will start to get better. Think about how you would like to see your life? You obviously want "out"of your present situation. There is other life out there, other options. You can be left alone by the people who criticize you, and make you feel like '''''''' if you want, without having to end your life. Ending your life is not your only option! If anything it's better to be angry, get mad and feel the power of that, to help you through. Get your fight on and fight for yourself and your babies. Fight for the life you want, the life that will bring you joy and happiness in the future. What do you love? What do you want to create in your life? You can do it! Start to journal, or draw or exercise ..something that will help you to get these emotions and feelings out. Heck....turn to magic to get you through. Whatever ...the options are endless I have a million ideas. I came through a really dark place years ago. My ex constantly criticized me, he always put me down. I got to the point where I felt like a caged tiger who had just given up and laid down depressed. Its pretty amazing how people can beat you down, I know I've been there. I started by writing and walking. The writing helped me get things out, and walking helped me because exercise releases endorphin's and is good for your overall health. I put my baby in a stroller or a snugly and away I went. Then eventually I stared dreaming up the life I wanted...the life away from my ex. I was terrified of being a single Mom, but it was more amazing then I ever could have imagined! I was away from him, and my life was sooo much easier. It was my life, I was in charge of myself and my child. It was the best thing I ever did. No it wasnt perfect, still had hard days, but things just kept getting better. I have only ever looked back to share my story. I have had depression at other times in my life, but never to that extent. When I think of where my life is now, it would've been an awful shame to not have gotten to live it. That is not even taking into consideration my child who would have suffered the most. I hope sharing my story helps to give you some kind of glimmer of hope. Any hope is better then none.

[shaynah]

Something else I forgot about that helped turn my life around was a movie that I absolutely loved and it represented the life I wanted. I watch it over and over again, and it inspired me to change my life. A mentor could do that for you, someone you admire and can look up to, or even a book that speaks to you could have the same effect. What about religion, are you religious? I am not religious myself, consider myself spiritual, but I don't think religion is a bad idea for some people. You may need something to believe in, and something to give you that spark of faith and hope. Not to mention, usually churches are an awesome source of support where you could meet people that support you. It seems like you are missing support in your life, and that is something that you really need.

I know all of this is easier said then done when you are feeling the way you are, but you haven't even come close to exhausting your options.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi Happydoodle. I was reading up on Citalopram and it seems that many patients experience feeling worse in the very beginning before they get better. You can say then that the drug is effective. I imagine it must seem like things are not going to get better. I think its very often hard to see and believe that things are changing. But often, even with ones own feelings, the changes that are taking place are not so easy to spot but that doesnt mean its not happening. If you have the tiniest hope I wish for you to hold onto it. You have been carrying this burden for a long time and that has taken strength, which means you have more of it than you realize. Your energy has all so far been spent on surviving/coping and thats understandable, but you have not been thriving. Can you please try to remember a time in your life when you felt good. Its ok if it was a short moment, just try to remember the feeling.

 

Like Shaynah said, taking your life is one path while there are so many other paths possible before you which are not permanent and can be changed if needed. If you can muster up some energy to go out for long walks, listen to music and try to remember something that used to make you feel good.

[happydoodle]

thank you for sharing your story shaynah. I just feel so sad right now. I feel like i'm making right choice. I know the medication can make me feel worse to begin with, but i'm really struggling with getting through that. I want to take more tablets tonight, I plan to do it before bed. I feel like it's what I want. I don't want to be judged, given attention, sent to hospital, none of that, I want to make one decision in my life that is for me. My kids will be fine. They won't have me dragging them down. I can't be happy.

[onelittleladybug]

HD I have found some resources for you by googling around. These two seem to offer more than just a support group.

 

"Maytree offers a short stay in a safe residential setting where you can talk, reflect and rest - and restore hope. Maytree is a place where you will be heard, respected and accepted, without judgement and in confidence." link removed

 

Rethink - "A national mental health membership charity, that works to help everyone affected by severe mental illness recover a better quality of life. Rethink provides hope and empowerment through effective services and support to all those that need it and campaign for change through greater awareness and understanding." link removed

 

It might be easier for you to ask your friend or your partner to call them for you to see what they can offer you.

[happydoodle]

Thank you onelittleladybug I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to run away, disappear, at least then I can't get disappointed at the lack of help, you don't ask, you can't get disappointed.

[metrogirl]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down again. I really really urge you to please think of your babies. You say they will be fine but they won't. They need their mum, even if you believe they don't need you.

 

Some meds take longer to work than others, some meds don't work for everyone and other meds can cause further suicidal thoughts and if you are exhibiting those thoughts then you need to have them change one or all of your meds. You have come this far, you can go further. Just be a little patient, let the doctors find the right balance of meds for you.

[onelittleladybug]

Thank you onelittleladybug I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to run away, disappear, at least then I can't get disappointed at the lack of help, you don't ask, you can't get disappointed.

 

I understand. But think about this - the best way to guarantee disappointment is to NOT ask for help. By asking you increase your chances of getting what you need. Im curious, if you were certain to receive what you need, what would you ask for?