Am I just one of his toys? Is he using me?Don't want to be one of his options:-(

[sosadgirl]

In short: he's a friend of my friends, I met him when we were all together on a holiday about a month and a half ago. We started flirting. We spend nice time together, we went to the cinema, to several parties, we do some outdoor activities together. He calls me almost everyday, sometimes there is one day break and not more then two but even then he texts me. When he calls, we usually talk for 1-2 hours.

Two days ago I mentioned I was planning a holiday- on my own- we talked about it and we ended up booking a flight together. He called me the next day, he called me today - we were talking about it, he's checking everything, he already found out everything!

 

...now it starts... I googled him and I found his online dating profile. Fair enough, I knew that he is using it... but than I noticed that he was active half an hour ago! - so he logged in just after he finished talking to me ;-(

 

My first reaction now was:

- I was angry, disappointed, pissed off, sad. At the same time, I want to do the right thing - at least this time. It was horrible. I thought to myself that he shouldn't be still looking for anyone if he's seeing me - we had sex several times and we're spending time together, I thought there was some connection between us, and here such a discovery I felt almost like he's cheating on me.

 

My second thought was:

- OK, that's fine. He's not my boyfriend, at least not yet. We had sex and we're spending time together but he's not my boyfriend so - theoretically - he can do whatever he wants.

 

...it just doesn't feel right.

 

Knowing that I'm not the one for him, as he's apparently still looking for someone better, should I think now about myself first and just stop seeing him and talking to him at all so that he won't be able to hurt me - I'm afraid that I was falling for him and if I continue seeing him, he will just use me and I get really hurt waiting for him to fall in love with me, which won't happen

 

OK, I already feel something for him. I don't want to be one of his girls and apparently I'm not that special for him

 

My main question is: should I forget about him and if yes, it is better to:

- just tell him we are done and leave

-explain WHY we are done

-stay in touch as friends

-never contact him again and make sure he won't find me

-fell disappointed

- feel happy that I found out now he's not that into me?

[Klokwurk]

Tell him it would hurt you if he were seeing someone else/actively looking into other options.

 

Then the ball is in his court.

[SpottiOtti]

Yes, you need to bring your desire for a committed relationship out into the open. I know that probably sounds scary. But if you are honest about what you want from him, hopefully he'll feel he can be honest too. Then you can both make educated decisions about whether to spend any more time getting to know each other.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[blacklantana]

I'd say a month and a half is a good amount of time to assess whether or not you can see a future in someone. Some people take longer and want to "make sure" they are making the right choice and don't want to jump into something too fast too soon (which he could be doing).

 

I would definitely NOT forget about him just yet. Talking to him a little more about where you and him stand, and how he feels. If he gives off signs (trust me you'll know) that he isn't 'ready' like you are yet, maybe you can start backing off a little bit (but not enough to where it's obvious).

[Batya33]

Since you're not exclusive he's doing nothing wrong now. Why not ask him what his intentions are? He probably assumes you've been fine with having sex outside of a committed relationship since that's what you chose to do. I wouldn't assume he's using you -he's simply dating around as you are free to do too.

[HeartGoesOn]

As you said, "you're not boyfriend/girlfriend,"nor have you discussed being in a relationship. Having said that, I wouldn't tell him "we are done." Sleeping together doesn't automatically place you in a relationship, which is why having the talk first, eliminates the question "Where do we stand?

 

I wouldn't say that you're "one of his toys," since you consented.

[ThatwasThen]

Knowing that I'm not the one for him, as he's apparently still looking for someone better, should I think now about myself first and just stop seeing him and talking to him at all so that he won't be able to hurt me -

You don't know anything of the sort. In fact, if he's going away with you then there is great potential for something more concrete with him. Next time you're with him, why don't you talk about exclusivity, closing down any dating site profiles and making your relationship official.

 

Personally, as soon as I had become sexual with him, I would have had that conversation with him. If you don't want to be one of many, then make sure you're not one of many.

 

If he refuses to become exclusive with you, then you have a decision to make about yourself. That being to decide if you still want to with a guy that only wants to be casual with you or breakup and find someone who will be exclusive with you. Don't be afraid of his answer.. it's in your best emotional interests to know where you stand with him.

 

Good luck, When you talk to him, let us know how it went.

[sosadgirl]

Tell him it would hurt you if he were seeing someone else/actively looking into other options.

 

Then the ball is in his court.

I feel like it's too early to showing/telling him I wan't him only for myself. Don't want to scare him away.

[sosadgirl]

Yes, you need to bring your desire for a committed relationship out into the open. I know that probably sounds scary. But if you are honest about what you want from him, hopefully he'll feel he can be honest too. Then you can both make educated decisions about whether to spend any more time getting to know each other.

 

Let us know how it goes!

 

Maybe it's too early for that yet. The thing is: I wanted a new relationship at the time I met him, I'm attracted to him so want to try with him. But... because he is a bit of a player and I don't want to be hurt again, I thought that maybe I can have some fun too. He gave me an impression that he likes woman so I thought that since he's not going to be exclusive with me, maybe at least I can try to enjoy my time with him and then we'll see it it has any future or not.

 

First time we had sex, i didn't plan it, it just happened and then I thought that maybe at least I can get that.

 

...but I'm getting emotionally involved. If I knew that there is a chance he will want to be with me, I would wait but I'm afraid what I have now it as much as I'm going to ever get from him.

[Ms Darcy]

I am surprised this is not common (sense) in this day and age. Do not have sex before establishing a committed relationship. Yes that means wait on sex while you both figure out your feelings for each other. I say that for your future dating experiences.

 

For now just tell him you feel unsafe having sex until you know the sex is exclusive at the very least. And eventually you would like a committed relationship.

[sosadgirl]

For now just tell him you feel unsafe having sex until you know the sex is exclusive at the very least. And eventually you would like a committed relationship.

 

But we're not having sex every time we meet. We do a lot of different things together.

and I'm not so sure he is the right guy for me in the long run. I feel attracted to him and it's great to spend time with him but there are some small things that make me think if this would ever work.

[goodfoot]

SO you're not even sure if you want him but you're mad that he's not sure about you?

[Ms Darcy]

SO you're not even sure if you want him but you're mad that he's not sure about you?

 

Good point.

 

Sosa - I cringe whenever anyone says they are dating a 'player' and that they are 'afraid of getting hurt.' You are too unclear about what you want. You feel angry that he's on a dating site yet you aren't sure if you want a relationship with him. Why not just get to know him/other guys without sex so that you can clarify if you want a future with them? Adding sex to the mix adds an emotional attachment that might not happen without sex.

[ThatwasThen]

I feel like it's too early to showing/telling him I wan't him only for myself. Don't want to scare him away.

 

You don't want to scare him away? Were'nt you just saying "should I break up with him since I'm not the one for him?"

 

First you're willing to leave, now you're afraid to scare him away.

 

You're what they call "a player's dream" not liking being in the harem but too afraid to be cut off if you make any demands.

 

Figure yourself out before he whittles away at your self-esteem one uncommitted session at a time. You're emotionally involved so it's detrimental to your emotional well being to continue on in this limbo you've placed yourself in.

[sosadgirl]

You don't want to scare him away? Were'nt you just saying "should I break up with him since I'm not the one for him?"

 

First you're willing to leave, now you're afraid to scare him away.

 

You're what they call "a player's dream" not liking being in the harem but too afraid to be cut off if you make any demands.

 

Figure yourself out before he whittles away at your self-esteem one uncommitted session at a time. You're emotionally involved so it's detrimental to your emotional well being to continue on in this limbo you've placed yourself in.

 

I would like to have a proper relationship but was just thinking that if he doesn't want the same from me, it would be better for me to end it now, before I get too much involved. There is a couple of things about his artiste towards woman that worries me and I don't want to become one of the girls which whose feelings he plan play as he wants.

[ThatwasThen]

I would like to have a proper relationship but was just thinking that if he doesn't want the same from me, it would be better for me to end it now, before I get too much involved. There is a couple of things about his artiste towards woman that worries me and I don't want to become one of the girls which whose feelings he plan play as he wants.

 

Yes.. you've said that prviously wherein most of the consensus was that you ask for what you want and if he won't give it to you then leave. Why leave before even finding out whether or not he's willing to give up his "single" status for you?

 

Stop being so afraid. You don't want to settle to be one of "his toys" so ask him for what you want and if he's not giving it then say goodbye.

 

You know what you want, now you just have to get what you do have, defined with him and then decide what you're going to do. Be brave.

[HeatherB]

I would like to have a proper relationship but was just thinking that if he doesn't want the same from me, it would be better for me to end it now, before I get too much involved. There is a couple of things about his artiste towards woman that worries me and I don't want to become one of the girls which whose feelings he plan play as he wants.

 

Sounds like you've determined he's not your type. Good for you, if you're sure.

 

Next time, don't expect exclusivity when you're first dating. You're just casually getting to know each other, dating others if you wish, having fun and flirting. Nothing heavy, nothing that bonds you to him too much. Get intimate by degrees and take your time.

 

Unless you let him know before the deed that sex means exclusivity to you, don't expect it to mean that to him.

 

When you sense a player vibe, let him go. Don't bother to try to earn your way into his number one woman slot. Go for guys who look at dating more like you do. Scare away guys as often as possible. Guys that flighty aren't into commitment anyway, so shoo them off asap. The right man for you will find practically everything you do cute. You'll have to put an effort into it to turn him off.

[Di84]

I think you need to speak to him about this. I realize you haven't had the talk about it being a committed relationship to each other, but at this point you are already sleeping with him...and for most people, sex means something. So, I don't think it would be a bad thing for you to tell him what you found and then ask him where your relationship stands. In the end, what matters most is you. Not him. You. If at that point he gets mad at you or doesn't want to say you're together then honestly I think it would be time for you to re-evaluate him as a potential partner and give him the door.

[Di84]

wouldn't be a bad thing**