Is he tight or am I expecting too much?

[penelope1978]

Been with my boyfriend for 7 months.

We get along really well.

He earns about £12,000 more than me a year and has paid his mortgage off completely, whereas mine is very low a month but I am still paying for it.

5 years ago he was with his son's mother who ripped him off big style. She had never worked in her life, had two kids from a previous relationship and before she left him she was taking money out of the account to line her nest before leaving him for another man. She also took all of the savings he had. She also took all of his furnature and left him with only a bed and completely wrecked the house. They were never married.

 

I stay at his every weekend and on friday nights we go shopping. He pays for this and doesn't ask for any contribution and obviously I am eating there too along with his son as he sees him every weekend. Just lately I have been showering there rather than at home cause my shower is not working properly too.

 

He wil often treat me to takeaways also, although I do on the odd occasion treat him too.

 

My job is not secure. I have a month left and then we're not sure what is happening after that. I do though have £8,000 in savings which he knows about.

 

I have been on about going on holiday for ages now, me him and his son. We finally booked somewhere to go last night and it cost £443 each. I paid for my holiday he paid for his and his son's. I am no gold digger but I just wanted to make sure that what I argued against my family was right. My sister said to me that when she first met her husband he paid for absolutely everything and wouldn't hear of her even offering to pay half. She said that is what men do if they really want you.

 

How long will it take him to actually trust me that I am not like his ex ? I always offer to pay half for things when we go out and I show him that I am not the kind of girl to be like his ex because for a start I have my own property (only a one bed flat) and own car. She went to him with NOTHING, two kids, no job and an alcohol problem. I think my situation more than proves I am different to his ex, who incidentally doesn't speak to him now because she tried to get half the house and she couldn't because she couldn't prove she had paid anything towards the mortgage. But he still went and fixed the tyre on her car for her when she rung him (because she said she would struggle to get his son to school) - even though she has two cars!!

 

My burning question is this: Should he have offered to pay for my holiday too? All my family think so and it has set my head spinning thinking he is taking me for granted and/or doesn't feel the same about me as he did his ex. They had a joint account and he said he would never do that again.

[LikeWater]

Okay, two things.

 

1) Your sister (and I guess the rest of your family) is living by old ideals that are not only unfair, but also have no place in today's world. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and his family was telling him something was up because YOU were expected to pay for the three of them. That if you really loved him you'd do that no questions asked; no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Suddenly it sounds pretty stupid, eh?

 

2) You have to take into consideration what his ex did to him. Trust takes a while to build, and in the grand scheme of things you and he haven't been together for all that long. You're looking at it all wrong. It isn't that he cares for you less than he did the ex, it's that he probably put all his trust in her and she completely betrayed him. He's understandable cautious about what he does financially now, and it really doesn't have anything at all to do with you.

 

Before your family started chiming in with their nonsense, it sounds like you didn't have a problem with paying your own way. That's because unlike your sister, you were being logical instead of expecting him to be Mr. Perfect-Prince-Charming-Hero-God-of-a-Man.

 

Don't listen to your family. Go have a wonderful holiday with your boyfriend and his son.

[Capricorn3]

Been with my boyfriend for 7 months.

 

I have been on about going on holiday for ages now, me him and his son. We finally booked somewhere to go last night and it cost £443 each. I paid for my holiday he paid for his and his son's. I am no gold digger but I just wanted to make sure that what I argued against my family was right. My sister said to me that when she first met her husband he paid for absolutely everything and wouldn't hear of her even offering to pay half. She said that is what men do if they really want you.

 

My burning question is this: Should he have offered to pay for my holiday too?.

 

Your sister is WRONG and no, I don't think he's taking you for granted at all (imo). After only dating for 7 months I don't see any reason at all why he should pay for your holiday, especially as it seems it was YOUR idea in the first place and you going on for ages about going on holiday with him.

 

So, to answer your question: No, I don't believe he is being tight and yes, you are expecting too much.

[sara-pezzini]

i would never ever just expect my BF to pay for my holiday or anything for that matter, so yes, i think you expect too much and your sister lives by ancient standards..

[CRCfem]

I agree with all above.. me and hubby still pay half half, out of habit, convenience, and fairness..

[SapphireNoir10]

He may earn more but he also has a child to support etc.

 

I usually offer to pay half with my boyfriend. I wouldn't expect him to pay for a holiday for me after 7 months of dating. VERY unrealistic

 

The amount of money someone spends on you has no relation to their feelings about you

 

I mean, how many footballers wives are spoilt rotten and rich etc but their husbands treat them terribly and are unfaithful?

 

I'd rather have a NICE guy that treats me well...and you say he treats you sometimes as well. Than a guy that just buys my love.

[penelope1978]

Hey everyone,

 

Many thanks for all your replies. My gut instinct was right. Sometimes its hard to trust your own opinion when people, whose opinions you value greatly, tell you something contrary to what you first thought.

 

The only other thing that bugs me, if I could have advice is that when we first met we were only friends for around two to three months. He told me he and his ex were always having sex. We have sex at the most twice a week. It has caused problems. In the beginning he had struggled to maintain an erection. He has now quit smoking and this area has improved, but it still makes me majorly jealous that she had the benefit of all that sex! When I have spoken to him about it, he has said he was a lot younger then (early thirties) whereas now he is 44 and always tired due to a busy job. But I am so frustrated by this!!

[LikeWater]

One thing you really need to do is stop comparing yourself to the ex. Stop comparing your relationship with the one he had with the ex. She needs to be out of both your heads completely.

 

Wanting more sex is totally okay, of course, but he does have a point about being younger at the time as well as being tired. Have you tried making things more exciting? You know, being really active in getting him to want to have sex with you without making it seem like you're complaining about the lack of sex. Does that make sense? Maybe being in some sexy lingerie when he gets home from work. Suggesting you want to try something new. Things along these lines? Spicing it up and all that.

[penelope1978]

One thing you really need to do is stop comparing yourself to the ex. Stop comparing your relationship with the one he had with the ex. She needs to be out of both your heads completely.

 

Wanting more sex is totally okay, of course, but he does have a point about being younger at the time as well as being tired. Have you tried making things more exciting? You know, being really active in getting him to want to have sex with you without making it seem like you're complaining about the lack of sex. Does that make sense? Maybe being in some sexy lingerie when he gets home from work. Suggesting you want to try something new. Things along these lines? Spicing it up and all that.

 

how do you mean "both of our heads completely"? Do yu mean he may not be over her. I have spoken to him about this before and he said it took him 18 months to get over it all, but now when he sees her he feels nothing. All he sees is George's mum. They have been split for 4-5 years. I am the first person he has been out with since, mainly because he hasn't met any other women due to not going out.

 

It really did bug me when she rung to ask to have her tyre fixed. She hasn't spoken to him since the day she left. doesn't even tell him anything about his child and just picks up or drops off. But when she needed her tyre fixing he wouldn't say no. When I asked why he said it was for George's sake. It really is buggin me out.

[LikeWater]

No, that isn't what I meant. I just meant that both of you shouldn't be bringing her up, talking about her, thinking about her, etc.

 

You both should be focused on each other, yourselves, and the relationship you share.

 

I think what you're feeling in regards to the possibility of he not being over the ex is due to your own insecurities.

[becomingkate]

It really did bug me when she rung to ask to have her tyre fixed. She hasn't spoken to him since the day she left. doesn't even tell him anything about his child and just picks up or drops off. But when she needed her tyre fixing he wouldn't say no. When I asked why he said it was for George's sake. It really is buggin me out.

 

I've asked my daughter's dad to help me with my car, when I was single. I didn't ask for any other reason other than I needed the car, and part of the reaon was getting our daughter to daycare etc. I wouldn't worry about that.

[penelope1978]

No, that isn't what I meant. I just meant that both of you shouldn't be bringing her up, talking about her, thinking about her, etc.

 

You both should be focused on each other, yourselves, and the relationship you share.

 

I think what you're feeling in regards to the possibility of he not being over the ex is due to your own insecurities.

 

Thank you LikeWater for replying once again. I try not to bring her up and he very rarely ever brings her up. I guess I have her on my mind more than he does because I am jealous of her. Mainly when I am feeling down and negative, and today I am feeling that way for some reason.

[penelope1978]

I've asked my daughter's dad to help me with my car, when I was single. I didn't ask for any other reason other than I needed the car, and part of the reaon was getting our daughter to daycare etc. I wouldn't worry about that.

 

Hi Becomingkate,

Thanks for sharing the other side of things with me. My only problem is that she was completely evil to him and she has two cars, so I didn't see why it was a dire emergency to fix her car but still it is my jealousy and not really anything to do with me as it doesn't really affect me. Just bugged me out lol.

[itsallgrand]

I think he has a lot of baggage yet from the ex. Going to fix her tire - no. That sucks. Why. Did you two ever discuss it?

If he had said "well it's because of my kid", I have to be frank (when aren't I), I wouldn't have been pleased. Bs. It's not honest. IT wasn't a favor for the kid, it was a favor for the ex. Who is an adult, and more than capable of having that done - either by herself, or paying someone to do it. He allowed her to take advantage of him: full stop.

 

I think that would be the part that concerns me the most. His baggage and ties to this ex yet.

 

As for the holiday, I don't think that is any indication of how he cares for you or not. I do think part of it does have to do with trust though - your instincts that he doesn't trust you all the way are right.

 

7 months in, what is fair? As far as trust? Depends what you are looking for. Depends what your tolerance is too.

 

If you stay with him, you'll have to be patient. And be willing to risk that...he might never change. He might never give you what you want - the level of intimacy, the level of trust, the whole deal.

[LikeWater]

I think he has a lot of baggage yet from the ex. Going to fix her tire - no. That sucks. Why. Did you two ever discuss it?

If he had said "well it's because of my kid", I have to be frank (when aren't I), I wouldn't have been pleased. Bs. It's not honest. IT wasn't a favor for the kid, it was a favor for the ex. Who is an adult, and more than capable of having that done - either by herself, or paying someone to do it. He allowed her to take advantage of him: full stop.

 

Is it not possible that despite all she's done to him, that he's a good person who helps those in need?

 

It's not like he went and had coffee with her.

 

He changed a tire for the mother of his kid. Does that really have to be anything other than, you know, what it is?

[itsallgrand]

Is it not possible that despite all she's done to him, that he's a good person who helps those in need?

 

It's not like he went and had coffee with her.

 

He changed a tire for the mother of his kid. Does that really have to be anything other than, you know, what it is?

 

If it was a regular split, no. That would be a possibility.

 

When it is someone who used him, gutted him, took him for all he is worth. Different story. The ex is a known user - he's going back for more. You can't "be a nice person" to users and expect the same results as when it is a "normal" person.

 

Get what I mean?

[penelope1978]

Is it not possible that despite all she's done to him, that he's a good person who helps those in need?

 

It's not like he went and had coffee with her.

 

He changed a tire for the mother of his kid. Does that really have to be anything other than, you know, what it is?

 

He is that kind of person, not making excuses for him by the way. He drops everythign to help most people with their cars as he is a mechanic. She said she couldn't get their son to school. I said to him why didn't u ask where her boyfriend is or why she can't use her other car?? We ended up rowing about it. Well mainly me rowing because he doesn't really row.

[LikeWater]

If it was a regular split, no. That would be a possibility.

 

When it is someone who used him, gutted him, took him for all he is worth. Different story. The ex is a known user - he's going back for more. You can't "be a nice person" to users and expect the same results as when it is a "normal" person.

 

Get what I mean?

 

Sort of. I get that most people definitely would be done with that type of person and wouldn't have any more interaction with them than absolutely necessary. I have no idea what you mean by "going back for more" and "expecting results". To my knowledge, he wasn't asking for anything in return, nor was he doing it to make peace with the ex or whatever. She needed to get her son to school, he changed a tire for her, and that was that.

 

Of course, only he knows the real reason why he does what he does. We can all guess, but none of us could know for sure. That goes for any person.

[penelope1978]

Sort of. I get that most people definitely would be done with that type of person and wouldn't have any more interaction with them than absolutely necessary. I have no idea what you mean by "going back for more" and "expecting results". To my knowledge, he wasn't asking for anything in return, nor was he doing it to make peace with the ex or whatever. She needed to get her son to school, he changed a tire for her, and that was that.

 

Of course, only he knows the real reason why he does what he does. We can all guess, but none of us could know for sure. That goes for any person.

 

He said it was for his son's sake. Plus he is also an easy going, non-confrontational guy. Before I was with him he would fix stuff for people as a favour. So I honestly don't think it was preferential treatment because it was her as such, but still it bugged me out because I am jealous of her and also because she was a cow when she left him.

[mhowe]

Then this really is all about you and your insecurities and not him.

And he is over it and over her -- so for the sake of the relationship, YOU need to let it go.

[itsallgrand]

He said it was for his son's sake. Plus he is also an easy going, non-confrontational guy. Before I was with him he would fix stuff for people as a favour. So I honestly don't think it was preferential treatment because it was her as such, but still it bugged me out because I am jealous of her and also because she was a cow when she left him.

 

Well that explains a lot more.

 

Jealous of her? Why? She sounds awful.