Is fidelity a lost art? Because I'm losing faith in it.

[Seymore]

Despite the rising number of marriages ending in divorce, I've always tried to maintain some hope that I will have a happy marriage of my own down the road. Unfortunately, I keep hearing stories and experiencing situations that slowly eat away at that hope. Recently it's been happening more often.

 

I remember attending my boss's wedding almost ten years ago. They were very happy. Last year my boss had an affair with a co-worker. She wasn't even discreet about it. And now things are going downhill with her husband and I've heard her saying recently that yeah, she cheated, but he cheated more. So matter of factly, like it was a competition. And so I lost a little faith there.

 

A year and a half ago I made friends with a classmate ten years my senior (I'll call her L), and her three wonderful kids - all either teen age or close to it. I remember her telling me when I met her about how her husband was her high school sweetheart and how much she loves him.

 

The other week a few classmates were going to a Valentine dance, and L asked if I'd be her date because her husband didn't want to go. Since it was going to be a group of us and we all knew each other, I said why not. Well, later that night as we were leaving in the wee hours of the morning, we wound up alone and in saying good night, she did something I never saw coming - she practically jumped me and kissed me - and hard...I mean something out of a fantasy. When the shock wore off, I stopped her and she asked me to take her back to my place. As much as I would have enjoyed that and as much as my mind was reeling, I told her no, she has a husband and three awesome kids. I also told her that I felt guilty, and she said I shouldn't because she doesn't. I was shocked. And in class a couple of days later, I was able to play it off like nothing happened and we were still friends. She would still flirt, but never crossed the line, and just to be safe I wouldn't let myself be alone with her. But I'd look at how close her and her children were in class, and I thought to myself: "What in the world would make someone think of jeopardizing this?" I'd met her husband once before and he wasn't the friendliest, but still - what makes people like this?

 

So I talked with a female friend of mine (I'll call her "N") about it, and to my surprise, she told me (and just like this): "It's most likely because of her husband. You are the only guy who wouldn't take advantage of a woman for sex when she wants it like this. So go for it, you only live once". N is also married and has told me plenty of times that she loves her husband, so I asked her if she would cheat on her husband. She said "A year ago, no. But now, I think I would." Color me shocked once again. So I asked a very close and long-time guy friend of mine and he said that if he was single, he'd go for it, and that SHE would be the one cheating. I said yeah, but you're still taking part in potentially ruining lives in the process. His response was "Not my problem".

 

Is this what things have come to nowadays? You only live once? Give in to your impulses? No thought about consequences? I don't know if I should be judgmental about it or if I'm just misunderstanding this mentality/making too big a deal about it. But what is the mindframe here?

[annie24]

The only thing I really have to say is that you have full control over your fidelity and no one else's. Ultimately, you can try to be the best person you can, be faithful, and be nurturing towards your relationship, and hopefully your wife will be on the same page. Me - I'd rather break up than cheat on someone.

 

Oh, and I know with stories like those it's easy to get discouraged. just remember that you are you and not them. Just because people around you have failed marriages doesn't mean that your fate is tied to theirs!

[Seymore]

Hear, hear - I'd rather break up than cheat on someone too! It's not just the cheating party that makes me wonder, either - it's the whole "The responsibility lies solely on the cheater and not you, so go ahead and get your kicks" mentality of the...cheat-ee? I dunno what you'd classify the party outside of the marriage.

[Chicklet]

I think that the morals and values of this country have went straight down the tubes. I've always been a monogamous and faithful partner....even while in a loveless marriage. When he and I MUTUALLY decided to call it quits, we stopped sleeping in the same room. A month later, he moved in with his parents and 5 months later, I bought a house and moved out.

 

With that being said.....my divorce only solidifies your loss of faith. lol HOWEVER, sometimes things just don't work out, but you don't sleep with another person while still in a committed relationship with anyone. It's just plain wrong.

 

I find it sad to hear the younger generation (I'm 43) talk about "casual sex" and "f*ck buddies" and "cuddle buddies" and "friends with benefits". WTH? I grew up in the 80's and people thought that IT was a hedonistic period?!?!?! LOL. Oh yeah??? Well I guess if you just add 20 years of technology and google searches, as well as social networking and porn sites........and what you've got is a country living off of bad advice, temptation and poor judgement. No wonder we're going down the tubes.

 

But gosh...don't ya just love the internet? lol It's a great tool as well! For hopeless romantics such as myself, those temptations never come to mind. So I guess it just comes down to good old free will. One thing is for sure...you can't become jaded. We're all unique and for each one of the people that you mentioned in your OP, there are many who feel the opposite

[meoww]

I think as some people get older they have more courage to break free of the rules imposed on them by society, and that this can sometimes result in destructive decision making, in the form cheating or tax fraud etc. A lot of people get married because they think it's what they are supposed to do and realize that they never really made the decision for themselves.

 

When people are younger their view of morality is more black and white and less nuanced, but I think adults are more prone to complicated cycles of self deception.

 

I don't think cheating or the desire to cheat is necessarily on the rise, but I do think people are being more honest with themselves about their conflicting and contradictory desires.

 

You also might just happen to be part of a social circle where this is more common, in another group it might not be like that.

 

It's kind of a headache because it's not really a phenomenon that can be explained by a few causes, there is so much that goes into it.

[Seymore]

YES. Casual sex, FWBs and things of the like - does anyone take anything seriously anymore? I mean, if you can pull it off without a problem, more power to you. But when people start claiming "Hey, anything goes...I'M not the one cheating", or when a married friend is saying "Hey, my SO is probably cheating on me anyway so why not" (and yes, I've heard that one too), I feel like shaking my head until it falls off.

 

But hey, we're just old fashioned and living in the past I guess

[Fudgie]

Unfaithful people have always been around. I don't think it's on the rise. People who want to cheat will cheat and it's going to happen anyway, Facebook or no Facebook.

 

There are all types out there.

[annie24]

eh.... i think cheating has always been around. sure, the internet makes it a lot easier to find a lover, but also easier to get caught. , but it's always been there. just watch Mad Men! haha!

[HeatherB]

I've heard that kind of talk a lot too. It is shocking. And the knowing look that accompanies it, as if I'm supposed to agree with them is even more shocking.

 

The people you and I are referring to are headed for divorce sooner or later, probably later. When you're happy in your relationship, you don't think that way. But most people aren't happy in their marriages or relationships once the romance wears off. Some break up, and others stick around and complain and lust after various forms of escape.

 

The thing about monogamy is that it's a two way street. I was just talking with a friend about this. We all know cheating is wrong. But so is failing to be a welcoming sexual partner when you're the only sexual outlet allowed. We try to avoid responsibility in our relationships, and that includes the responsibility to really be there and take care of your partner's needs even when they're not completely to one's taste. To do otherwise is forced celibacy, not monogamy.

 

So anyway, people who are jaded and bored and unhappy and aren't getting any are going to consider themselves exceptions to the rule. They're going to see themselves as being justified in grabbing a little happiness where they can find it, since many of the promises they think they're due are going unfulfilled.

 

The solution is to take relationships and all the responsibilities involved very seriously and go into it with your mind open, your heart in the right place, and your head screwed on tight. The people who wind up disappointed and unhappy are the ones who went into it thinking it would be a piece of cake and that love would cover everything.

[Seymore]

The solution is to take relationships and all the responsibilities involved very seriously and go into it with your mind open, your heart in the right place, and your head screwed on tight. The people who wind up disappointed and unhappy are the ones who went into it thinking it would be a piece of cake and that love would cover everything.

 

I really, really like this. And it saddens me not only when they justify it like that, but also think that it's going to solve a problem.

[JJ2980]

I disagree with some of what is being said. I am of the opinion that cheating is on the rise. Yes cheating has been around for eons and I also agree that technology has made it easier to cheat but I also believe that peoples moral compasses have changed with time too. I find people much more selfish in their thinking (not just in the cheating department either). We live in a society where people are encouraged to "put themselves first" and "do what feels best for you and don't care what others think". My only problem with that mentality is this: If everyone is putting their own needs above others then where does it leave room for being selfless? If I were to do whatever the heck I wanted, whenever I wanted then I would be doing that at the expense of others and their needs and their feelings. I can't in good conscience live with that mentality. I'm by no means a goody-two-shoes and I make mistakes aplenty but I feel a moral obligation to be a good person and to treat others the way I like to be treated and you know why? Because at the end of the day I have to live with my own decision-making and I can live with mistakes but I can't live with me being a morally-bankrupt/selfish turd whose only goal is to please thy self. Now in order to be balanced let me just say that there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first sometimes. What I'm specifically talking about are people whom make selfish decisions to benefit themselves and only themself on a regular basis. This attitude, in my opinion, leads to people being ok with cheating or thinking they have no responsibility over their actions because they're not the "married" party.

 

At the end of the day our worst critic is ourselves and if I were any less than what my conscience dictates I should be I believe I would die within my own self. There are just some things my own conscience won't allow me to do.

[d24]

we live in a disposable society where instant gratification is king, damned be the consequences.

it's not surprising (unfortunately), i'll throw in a couple more examples:

 

went out with a guy friend and we ended up chatting to two girls at a bar. He wanted one of them so I chatted with the other one ; telling her about my wife and my child (even showed her a couple of pictures) and just generally innocently chatting. No idea what I said, but it must have been code for "please throw yourself at me, i want you" because she literally threw herself on me. was so shocked and a little bit of my faith in fidelity went there. 110% i was not leading her on or giving her any signals, it was just pure insanity on her part.

 

another time i was out shopping and chatting with the cashier, just being friendly, as you do, and she looked at my ring and said "you married?" more of a stetament than a question, and I said "Yep, 5 months or so now", to which she replied instantly "happily married?" and winked at me. I was taken aback, but nothing prepared me for the "cos if not, my shift ends in 15mins if you'd like to get a drink?"

 

i think society as a whole has to shoulder a lot of blame for this situation, because generally speaking cheating is so commonplace that it's not really frowned on anymore - which is a general acceptance that it's ok by society. It's not going to get any better I don't think. Just be safe and secure in the knowledge that your own fidelity is completely within your control, and you'll be fine.

[Blue Spiral]

In my online search for FWBs, I'm constantly coming accross women that are "single," except they're still married, and they may or may not be making headway in getting a divorce. I try to steer clear of those situations. Unsurprisingly, many of them later publicly announce that they're "getting back together" with the guy they're already married to. This is accompanied by an all-caps rant that they're happier than ever, that they're being bought something big, and that all those "creepy guys" need to leave them alone now (ironically, the few times I've been pursued by women, it's been married women).

 

Of all the married couples I've personally been aware of, they either have serious problems or they get divorced. The ones that have managed to stay together for a long time are either "stuck" because they're religious or are basically living separate lives.

 

It's pretty clear that less than 100% of the population is interested in/capable of monogamy. But it's still the norm, so most non-monogamous people try to force themselves into it or deny what they really want in life. It's actually a good thing that these people are "coming out of the closet", so to speak--they can stop wrecking marriages that they shouldn't have been part of in the first place, and they can actually have a shot at finding happiness.

 

I think people are just getting tired of pretending. I know that I did...

[Pinnacle]

The milk has been free for over 40 years or so. Unless the cow mows lawns, why buy?

[pl3asehelp]

Is this what things have come to nowadays? You only live once? Give in to your impulses? No thought about consequences? I don't know if I should be judgmental about it or if I'm just misunderstanding this mentality/making too big a deal about it. But what is the mindframe here?

 

Sadly, I think you're right. The majority of of people are selfish and if they have any values or morals, their paramount creed is 'don't judge'. That idea I think is the number one problem. Everything is permitted except people who object or say no to something. Not everyone is this way, but I honestly believe it's the majority. If you're not like this, and congratulations, what it means is that you have to be much more selective and patient than others and realize that you're going to wind up rejecting the majority of people you may date. There are still some good people out there, but it takes a lot longer to find them. Promiscuity, casual sex, and FWB experiences are baggage and when you take a past lifestyle like that into a monogamous relationship, you're setting yourself up for cheating or at the very least, you're going to find monogamy difficult and certainly not as instantly gratifying. For all of the people that say 'that was the past', well, see it's not really - it's who you are and it's how you see the world - sex and love are separate to you and not just sometimes, but always because you're ruined it for yourself. People are fooling themselves that they can just turn a switch and become happy being monogamous after years of just sleeping with whoever because it's fun.

[Blue Spiral]

The milk has been free for over 40 years or so. Unless the cow mows lawns, why buy?

 

I've never liked that analogy, as it implies that women give sex to get commitment. Women aren't something to be bought. Surely most women enjoy sex, and most men want to be committed, no?

[meoww]

How about certain Asian countries where cheating is very common? They have what we sometimes call collectivist societies but cheating is a big part of the culture and maybe even normalized, especially among the older generations. People still frown on divorce over there and there is a big stigma, but people still cheat. I don't think cheating is strictly an American or capitalist thing.

 

I don't think modern culture is a big factor, especially because developing countries where women don't have much power have huge issues with cheating too, that lead to sexually transmitted infections and a whole host of social problems. People are aware this is happening, but they still cheat too.

[capilot]

Yeah, I wonder if I'm hopelessly out of date. My girlfriend who's 8 years younger than me cheated on me for more than three years and has zero remorse. Two of her best friends both cheated on their husbands, again with zero remorse. One of them helped my girlfriend cheat on me like it was no big thing.

 

I have a feeling that the era in which you can ever trust someone is a thing of the past.

[Fudgie]

Oh every year I hear the same thing: "People these days are TERRIBLE! Where did the morals go, blah blah blah."

 

Oh please. People have cheated for years. I'd be willing to wager that most "married forever" elderly couples you know have struggled with infidelity or some suspicion of it at some point in their relationships. The only difference is that they stayed married... Which may or may not be a good thing, you decide. Of course, everyone sees how long they've been married and always assumes that they were faithful. But unless you really, really, really know the people, you don't know. And even then you may not.

 

Cheating is out in the open now. People talk about it because it wasn't acceptable to talk about it back then. People's dirty laundry gets aired much more these days. Even if it gives off the impression that everyone is cheating, j think it's good because I'd want to know if a potential partner has cheated before.

 

I love the "Facebook is causing cheating!". No. All the internet has done is to make it easier for cheaters. If your spouse cheats online, that's their problem, not the internet. Don't blame the internet. You have a cheater as a spouse who would do it if given the opportunity. If what makes a difference in whether or not someone cheats is OPPORTUNITY, then you married the wrong person. Opportunity is always around. Loose coworkers, online, hookers, strangers, meeting someone in a bar, whatever.

 

Back in the day, women also were not encouraged to have careers and having children was an obligation, not a choice. Men were expected to be breadwinners and be the sole source of income (ouch!) and not show emotion. Do you really wish for those days?

 

Cheating has always been around. When you desire to go back in time, all you are really wishing for is a chance to relive an illusion that cheating didn't happen. It's a lie.

[Fudgie]

But there is hope! I've found good men in this day and age. My current boyfriend is very monogamous and has a history of being so.

 

Like cheating, there are good people who have always been around, in the past and current day. You just need to find them.