Married 28 years and trying to understand wife's lesbian affair

[hurting guy]

Just signed up on this forum, and I need help. My wife and I have been married 28 years. I am 53 and she is 51. We have three sons ages 23, 21, and 19. All the boys are in college and doing well. They know about the affair.

 

At the beginning of January, I confronted my wife and she confessed that she has been in a sexual affair with a girlfriend for the past 15 months. They had sex "frequently" and it took place at our own home, in our bed, on trips they went on together, at the affair partner's apartment, etc. The extent of the lies and betrayal is mind-blowing. She said her level of sexual gratification was 3 or 4 times better than the best sex we ever had. That was hard to hear. I have since learned that the affair partner has been out of the closet for the last 20 years, but she was knew in town and I did not know she was lesbian.

 

My wife knows that to heal our marraige, she needs to break the relationship off. But she refuses to do so "right now." It has been six weeks since her confession, and she and her partner continue to send love notes, and have met secretly a few times when I have caught them, and see each other at least 4 times a week, although several of those times will be with other people in a small group discussion session. The other group members do not know about the affair. Everything is being kept very secret right now. My wife says they are not having sex any more, just discussions as they try to sort out all the emotional stuff packed into this mess.

 

My wife states she is straight, but I don't know how she can say that in light of the objective facts about the affair. To me, she is in denial about her sexuality. I understand the denial. We live in a small community, and are both Christian. If she comes out, I know there are many who will judge her, say mean things, and not be very accepting. We don't need those friends, but coming out for my wife will be hard. Of course, other friends will be supportive.

 

About three months into the affiar, she cut off all sex with me, saying "she just couldn't do it anymore." I believe she felt continuing to have sex with me was a betrayal to her lover. Of course, I thought she cut off sex because of our general marraige troubles. I was feeling and experiencing all the effects of the affair, such as the the withdrawal and lack of emotional intimacy with me. Things were obviously wrong, but I was blind to the sexual affair, but knew there was an emotional affair. For a long time, I thought her affair partner was like the sister she never had. With hindsight, it is easy to see all the red flags, but I just did not recognize the obvious until it went on for more than a year.

 

In about a week, my wife will move into a rental house by herself. She wants space and freedom to think and process. She says she will continue to be in relationship with her affair partner, but she says she will not have sex with her. It is very difficult to believe her, although I want to believe her.

 

I have been devastated by the betrayal. But people can sometimes re-build trust. My wife claims that there still is hope for us, but it is so hard for me to see where that hope is. I don't know much about GLBT stuff, but it seems to me that her actions can only mean one thing, and throwing the various labels aside, she must at least have a strong gay tendency to have engaged in such a lengthy and frequent affair, and with such high sexual gratification. Am I correct in thinking that if we are to rebuild our marraige, we need to do so with both of us understanding her sexual preferences. At a minimum, it seems to me she must be bi-sexual. She is trying to tell me that she doesn't feel like she is gay, and that is hard for me to believe, given the facts. To me, it feels like she is in denial, afraid to face and embrace her sexuality. My fear is that she convinces me to stay in the marraige, and then a year or two down the road, she has another affiar and I am going to be hurt all over again.

 

Right now, I am so depressed, confused, hurt, that I can barely function. Despite everything that has happened, I still love her. I have always seen us growing old together gracefully, life partners, and it is so hard to face the reality that this is all coming to an end.

 

Any help that readers might offer in trying to process this situation is much appreciated.

[DN]

In your place I would treat this exactly the same as if she were cheating with a man and divorce her immediately.

[Moontiger]

What would you do if your wife had an affair with a man and refused to break it off?

 

She is bi-sexual. She is a cheater. She is a lair. And, she is asking you to stick around and just accept her behavior.

[PaintWithLight]

You need to gather your support and start thinking about yourself here. Forget the whole same-sex issue. If your wife told you that she was moving out to her own place to continue her affair with her male lover, would you even hesitate to begin divorce proceedings?

 

She has deceived you and lied to your face. I know the idea of starting over at 50 is a hard thought but you are right. You cannot wait around for this to play out again with another affair. She has made her decision for what suits her. You need to find the path that protects your feelings and allows you to begin to heal.

 

Sitting on the sidelines and waiting for her to return is not an option.

[Not a rookie]

Why do you care about people's reaction when she comes out? She had the nerve to tell you that she will continue to see her. I call that chutzpah! You should stop caring about her and start caring about yourself. While you are at it, file for divorce.

[hurting guy]

If it was a man, I would know better how to deal with the affair. But I feel like the lesbian affair is more difficult, because I can't offer what she gets from that relationship. If it were a man, we could have boundaries and I think I could re-build trust. But with same-sex affair, I will always be wondering about the next female friend. I think that is one of the reasons she is trying to tell me she is straight. Part of me wants depserately to believe her, but to me the facts say otherwise.

 

Divorce does seem to be the obvious answer, but after 28 years it is so difficult to just throw in the towel.

[abitbroken]

It is up to her to face the music with "the public," not you.

 

I know it is not comforting to think about, but adultery is a Biblically supported reason for divorce. Some people DO heal and mend after an affair but her unwillingness to end the affair is troubling. I can't even begin to think how this will affect your young men. I hope she also considered that aspect of her decision to cheat.

 

Please don't suffer in silence to protect her - could you talk to your pastor or other counselor about this confidentially? I would recommend a male mentor or close confidant like a brother or close male friend but I doubt you will confide in them fearing it will get out.

[hurting guy]

I have spoken to the pastor, as well as a good male friend who has been very supportive and confidential, and I am seeing a mental health counselor. The counselor has been very helpful.

 

I do want to protect her because I want us to stay on good terms in the event of a divorce. I want us to be able to both be there at future marraiges, child births, etc. If we divorce, the word will spread all over town what has happened and why. A few people already know (not from me), so it is just a matter of time.

 

But given her actions, am I completely stupid to think she might step out of the relationship after a couple months on her own, and possibily come back to the marraige, or is the pull of having tasted the forbidden fruit usually too much and will almost inevitably lead to the same thing.

 

My theory is that she has repressed these sexual preferences for years, and now that our boys are old enough to understand these things, she let it out. If I am correct, then it is difficult to see how she can repress those feelings again. Yet, she seems to think she can.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is possible she is going through the proverbial mid-life crisis and decided to experiment with a woman. Regardless, she cheated, lied and betrayed you. Once you have gotten over the shock and the bargaining stage, you might realize that you don't need to be on chummy terms with someone who could betray you like that. If her reputation goes to pieces that is not your problem. Why do you feel the need to protect someone who had no interest in protecting you?

[Wayfara]

She said her level of sexual gratification was 3 or 4 times better than the best sex we ever had.

 

Even if it's true, why the need to tell you unless it was to hurt you?

 

She says she will continue to be in relationship with her affair partner

 

My wife claims that there still is hope for us, but it is so hard for me to see where that hope is.

 

I understand why you have it hard to see where the hope is when she refuses to stop the affair, I wouldn't see the hope either had I been in your situation.

 

It's one thing to forgive a remorseful cheater but she doesn't seem remorseful at all, seems to me like she wants her cookie and eat it too.

[lukeb]

I think it is real easy for us to say treat it like any other infidelity, she cheated and you should divorce her. Truth is there are many examples of people who make the marriage work where they both get what they need out of the relationship. Yes it won't be a conventional marriage, but if both parties want to make it work I think there is a basis to try to work something out. There are a lot of reasons why you would want to stay together including family, status in the community, financial, companionship etc.

[lukeb]

I do think it would be a mistake to think that this is just a bump in the road that there is a way to get back to the way things were. If conventional marriage is the only type of marriage that would work for you, then I would agree with most of the posts here and you should divorce her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think it is real easy for us to say treat it like any other infidelity, she cheated and you should divorce her. Truth is there are many examples of people who make the marriage work where they both get what they need out of the relationship. Yes it won't be a conventional marriage, but if both parties want to make it work I think there is a basis to try to work something out. There are a lot of reasons why you would want to stay together including family, status in the community, financial, companionship etc.

 

In other words, relegate it to a marriage of convenience. Yes, lots of people stick around with an unrepentant cheating spouse in order to maintain their lifestyle...but that doesn't mean they are very happy. There are lots of extremely unhappy people who look like they are living a charmed life with the family, status in the community, financial perks and "companionship".

[lukeb]

There are lots of extremely unhappy people who look like they are living a charmed life with the family, status in the community, financial perks and "companionship".

 

There are a lot of unhappy people in all walks of life, here is an example of both the OP and his wife to wanting to stay together. I am just saying there may be a basis to work something out so they can both get want they want. I wouldn't use the word "relegate" in describing what that is. It won't be something that would work for most people, but it may work for them. The OP isn't most people, he does seem to want to make things work eventhough his wife cheated on him.

[Moontiger]

I disagree that the wife wants to stay. She just wants to use him for stability, status, etc. Why should he put up with her not only lying to him but also using him? Its one thing if two people at the start of a relationship agree they are not going to be faithful. This is simply deception.

[abitbroken]

There are a lot of unhappy people in all walks of life, here is an example of both the OP and his wife to wanting to stay together. I am just saying there may be a basis to work something out so they can both get want they want. I wouldn't use the word "relegate" in describing what that is. It won't be something that would work for most people, but it may work for them. The OP isn't most people, he does seem to want to make things work eventhough his wife cheated on him.

 

But he wants to stay together in a marriage where he has his loving wife back - no lesbian relationships, and that she desires him and only him. He doesn't want her back just to live in the house and have a sexless, loveless marriage while his wife runs around. He will never get what he wants in a marriage of convenience. The social status benefit is gone since people are starting to know that she is running around on him. he might get what he wants if they divorce and he eventually meets someone new who is smitten with him and they both want to be married to eachother. The only way he will get what he wants with her is if she drops the lesbian lover, is separated for a long time and falls in love with him again. But can that happen if she wants to chase women? Or if she is lesbian and just "put up" with sex with him and is not bisexual?

 

Right now he has to focus on his healing. Who knows what the future will bring but right now its clear what she wants. She chose to break the marriage vows and does not want to leave her lover. And even if she says she does she will make excuses about the "friendship." if she wanted this marriage she would have left that woman cold turkey. Or not have gone 15 months in the first place.

[hurting guy]

Deep down, it seems inevitable that this will end in divorce. She knows it too. But we are both struggling with that reality. We have been married so long, have so many great memories together, raised great kids together, and I have always dreamed of growing old together. It is just so hard to let go. In the last year and half, as the affair moved from an emotional affair intoa sexual one, she started generating a tremondous amount of negative energy towards me. I believe much of that has been a defense mechanism so she feels less guilt about the betrayal. She tells me she has no desire for other men. She says women offer emotional intimacy in way a man cannot. I don't deny that, but I do believe she is blocking out the depth of our own relationship and the joy we have brought to each other. But now she says she has discovered things about herself that she didn't know. To me, with a lot of counseling and care, we could heal many things. But there is nothing I can do about the same-sex part of this. To me, now that she has tasted the same-sex relationship, and found great joy in it, she will always be drawn back to that. And unlike an affair with a guy, I feel I cannot compete with the draw she has for women. So it seems inevitable that even if we tried to stay together, I am just setting myself up to be hurt again. If anyone out there thinks differently about the future impact of the same sex part, please let me know.

 

I am not interested in sharing my wife, or a polyamorous marraige. I desire monagamy and exclusive sexual and emotional intimacy.

 

At bottom, I am grieving the loss of my beautiful wfe, my life partner, my best friend, the person who shared raising our kids and who knows me at a level that no one else in the world does. I will miss her when I wake up and make coffee in the morning alone, or when I make a meal, and walk the dogs, etc. I fear being alone. I fear never finding love again like I have had. I now know what real heartbreak is. All of this seems surreal, like a bad dream, and I just want to wake up. It hurts. Thanks to whoever out there is reading this; with tears flowing, it helps to have written it.

[lukeb]

I am not interested in sharing my wife, or a polyamorous marraige. I desire monagamy and exclusive sexual and emotional intimacy.

 

At bottom, I am grieving the loss of my beautiful wfe, my life partner, my best friend, the person who shared raising our kids and who knows me at a level that no one else in the world does. I will miss her when I wake up and make coffee in the morning alone, or when I make a meal, and walk the dogs, etc. I fear being alone. I fear never finding love again like I have had. I now know what real heartbreak is. All of this seems surreal, like a bad dream, and I just want to wake up. It hurts. Thanks to whoever out there is reading this; with tears flowing, it helps to have written it.

 

It would seem that divorce is pretty inevitable then, based on what you wrote here. I am sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to put out there that there are other options out there, and people do make non-traditional relationships work.

[hurting guy]

When my wife confessed the affair, I very much wanted her to also tell me that our marraige was more important to her and that she would cut off all contact and terminate the affair relationship. I wanted her to choose me, and decide to work on the marraige. But she refused to do that. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted. She claims that she is not having sex anymore, but to me, that doesn't matter. What matters is that she has chosen to continue to be in relationship with the affair partner. When I told her that everytiome she sees this other woman, it cuts me like a knife in the stomach. She said she understands that, but still feels it is necessary to continue to have some relationship with this person. I agree with the above poster who said that my wife needed to cut off contact cold turkey. Even my wife agrees that if she wants to heal the marraige, she needs to cut off contact. But she has not done that because she says she is not sure what she wants. To me, her actions state what she wants. I have to believe her actions, not her words. And her actions tell me she does not want to stay married, but is prolonging and delaying because this will hurt her too. An affair of this magnitude, betrayal at this level, has consequences. We are both reeling from feeling those consequences.

[hurting guy]

Lukeb, thank you for your thoughts. I agree with you, non traditional relationships can work. I have though a lot about that. But it would mean that she could be in a loving relationship with her affair partner, but in our community I could not be free to have relationships with other women. My wife and her affair partner would go places, do tyhings publicly, have dates, go to movies and picnics, but I could not do those things with someone else because as a married guy, it would be viewed by the community that I was cheating. In our small community (about 2100 people), it doesn't seem like something that could work for me. It could work for her, but I feel like I would be the third wheel, and would just grow to resent the arrangement more and more. Perhaps the dynamic would be different in a large city, but in this small conservative town, it feels like a disaster in the making. That is why I wrote that I don't want a polyamorous relationship. To me, it feels like I would just be disrespected by my wife. It would just be the same as it has been for the last year and half, which has been the most miserable time in my life.

 

Also, on a pure emotional level, my first choice is not to share my wife. Even if I could get past the emotional part of it, the practical side seems unworkable in our situation.

[pl3asehelp]

If it was a man, I would know better how to deal with the affair. But I feel like the lesbian affair is more difficult, because I can't offer what she gets from that relationship. If it were a man, we could have boundaries and I think I could re-build trust. But with same-sex affair, I will always be wondering about the next female friend. I think that is one of the reasons she is trying to tell me she is straight. Part of me wants depserately to believe her, but to me the facts say otherwise.

 

Divorce does seem to be the obvious answer, but after 28 years it is so difficult to just throw in the towel.

 

Hm. So you honestly believe she's entitled to have anything she wants? So what if you can't offer her what another woman can? She knew that and decided to make that sacrifice when she got married. Now she's changed her mind. I would too if I were you and divorce her.

[PaintWithLight]

I think it is real easy for us to say treat it like any other infidelity, she cheated and you should divorce her. Truth is there are many examples of people who make the marriage work where they both get what they need out of the relationship. Yes it won't be a conventional marriage, but if both parties want to make it work I think there is a basis to try to work something out. There are a lot of reasons why you would want to stay together including family, status in the community, financial, companionship etc.

 

I do not see how this can be suggested. Maybe if he lived in San Francisco, New York, Chicago or another large urban center where there is a greater sense of tolerance. However, the OP has stated constantly about his fear of fallout within their small community.

 

All props to those that agree to have an unconventional marriage but they usually pick a community where they will not be the subject of gossip and speculation. The small town community that he lives in is not conductive to this lifestyle. And that is why her actions are so troubling. She is outing herself with very little concern for her children and husband. There are 100 better ways for her to have handled this.

[lukeb]

I do not see how this can be suggested. Maybe if he lived in San Francisco, New York, Chicago or another large urban center where there is a greater sense of tolerance. However, the OP has stated constantly about his fear of fallout within their small community.

 

All props to those that agree to have an unconventional marriage but they usually pick a community where they will not be the subject of gossip and speculation. The small town community that he lives in is not conductive to this lifestyle. And that is why her actions are so troubling. She is outing herself with very little concern for her children and husband. There are 100 better ways for her to have handled this.

 

I am not so sure the small community has anything to do with it. I am an completely out gay man in a small city that I would call mostly agriculture and oil frontier based. I work for a medium size contractor, and had very few problems. Mostly it is about how comfortable you are in your own skin to live the kind of life you want. I am pushing 50 and really I can't be bothered too much what the community thinks. There was a time in my life when that was a great concern for me, through the years I've found out that most people although they like to gossip they actually really don't care that much. My (or your) life doesn't really rate that high on the list of problems that everyone else has.

[hurting guy]

Lukeb, I understand your situation and I am glad that folks are not a problem in your community. Likewise, here we have lots of people who are completely out, and it is not a problem. But for me to be a straight married man, I will be viewed as a cheater if I am trying to develop love or sex interests with women in my community. I am only free to have a relationship if I am divorced. That is why the nontraditional arrangement might work for my wife (who can secretly keep the sex part quiet, while enjoying lots of public fun with just a "friend"), but it doesn't work the same for me. Not too many women want to get tangled up with a married man.

[LovelyLezo]

Hi hurting guy,

 

I am sorry for your pain.

 

I think a significant question to ask her is whether she's had previous attractions to women. Most gay people have had previous attractions before they've eventually acted on it.