What helps you stick with NC?

[John John]

I have been in NC for just over 1 month now, and I have to fight the urge to contact her every single day. It's getting slightly easier, but not by much. I feel like I have so much to tell her still. I feel like I've learned a lot through self reflection about what caused us to break up. And before we started NC, she said "maybe we can meet up in a few weeks to see how we're doing." And we did hang out a few times after the breakup (some of those occassions were fun and ok, others were not so much). She said before we started NC that "you can still make me laugh" and "I still would like to hang out with you and have fun." But I try to convince myself that these are just breadcrumbs.

 

I know I have to keep NC, because she already knows that I want to reconcile and that I believed our problems were fixable. I know she chose this, but I go back and forth in my mind believing that I can change her mind and that there's absolutely no point in contacting her. And every time I go on a date where I'm not into the girl, I want to break NC even more (please don't give me the "you're not ready to date" routine - I did date a girl since my ex that I actually liked to the point where I temporarily forgot about my ex and was into her, but then she fell off the face of the earth after a few dates).

 

How do you guys keep yourself motivated to stay in NC?

[SheWearsRed]

Hey MCJD4ever, my main motivation is the knowledge that any contact the only thing that would do for me is setting me back to a place of pain, anxiety, and make me feel the rejection all over again... I understand the urge to contact her, but, and you have said it, you can't change her mind.

 

I've been the dumper in a couple of relationships, honestly, the only thing further contact from the ex did it for me was upset me... Hang in there, it will get better; sometimes not as fast as we want it, but it gets better... Avoid further contact; if you have the time to read my last post will see how devastated is get to know what we don't need to know.

[Tom1990]

Sheer terror, the fact that I'm not ready to face whatever crap she may deal me, and she's capable of dealing out a ton of crap, especially if she feels threatened. I need to work on me like I'm some kinda emotional Batman before I'm ready to face that again. Unfortunately in my case, it's an inevitability that I see her again. My therapist recently pointed me in the direction I need to grow, after months of slow, torturous work.

 

If you can avoid her, at any cost, do so. Your soul will thank you for it!

[wilyone 11]

The list of reasons below keeps me motivated as a woman. Some of these may be applicable to you:

 

No contact shows that you:

Have respect for self

Won’t tolerate unacceptable behavior from a man who doesn’t appreciate you

Won’t pursue a man who doesn’t reciprocate feelings

Putting energy into detaching from him

Not masochistic

Not worthy of your time or attention

Hurt you deeply so you don’t want to bother with him anymore

You are working on you

Have a lot of things going on and don’t want to deplete your energy

Don’t want to take chance of getting hurt again

 

Tell yourself:

He feels lonely and isolated

Feels like a failure

Ended up with no love

[Trinity11]

Pick a friend or maybe a few, every time there is something that you would have text you ex, like something funny you saw that you want to share....text that friend instead.

Worked for me and it helps reconnect with established friendships.

[MasterPo]

Pride. Some say its a terrible thing, depends on you. I broke NC just once to 'talk like adults', biggest mistake of my life. Some can do it but not many so be advised. As much as I wanted the pain to be over and just to be with her once more, pride stepped in. I forced myself to think of the situation and accept that she chose another. Whatever her reason doesn't matter, she chose another. I think that thought helped the most.

 

Is it for you? I don't know. Keep busy, focus on something ( in my woe, I learned to lay tile, play a guitar, go on a reality show pilot, get really buff and have met some great people!) and when it all goes to ##$#$, exercise and a dab or two - okay a damn bucket - of Butter Pecan ice cream. I have cross the painful river and now its all about a new life, took me almost 3 years. It can be done and most will complete it faster than I did. I wish you mad luck.

[sarahvalent]

The list of reasons below keeps me motivated as a woman. Some of these may be applicable to you:

 

No contact shows that you:

Have respect for self

Won’t tolerate unacceptable behavior from a man who doesn’t appreciate you

Won’t pursue a man who doesn’t reciprocate feelings

Putting energy into detaching from him

Not masochistic

Not worthy of your time or attention

Hurt you deeply so you don’t want to bother with him anymore

You are working on you

Have a lot of things going on and don’t want to deplete your energy

Don’t want to take chance of getting hurt again

 

Tell yourself:

He feels lonely and isolated

Feels like a failure

Ended up with no love

 

100% me too. It's more the principle than anything else. I have only briefly considered doing it and justifying why, but then I remembered all these reasons and they are what stick for me.

[John John]

Thanks guys. I think what has made it so hard to keep NC is that she said in her last text to me "maybe we can meet up in a few weeks and see how we're doing," and earlier she said "i'm not necessarily closing the door on us forever." But I keep telling myself that these are breadcrumbs or her trying hedge her bets. And I deserve so much better than that.

 

I still feel like I have so much to tell her and that I now know what I did wrong. I defintely don't blame myself completely for what happened, but i do feel like i've learned a lot and want to show her I'm working to improve it. But then again...she is not as mature as I am, and she probably has more growing to do, so it's not worth it.

 

What also makes it hard to keep NC is that some have said that NC actually works against chances of reconciliation, because it makes you look weak. Some have advised that I stay in light contact with her, but be friendly and light and don't bring up the past. They've said if you do light contact, you show emotional strength and you keep the lines of communication open. To me, these are valid points, and they make me question NC,..

[quirky]

Pride mostly. I have gone through night after night crying uncontrollably yet never once contacting him.

 

But also reminding myself that if he wanted to, he would have stuck it out. Fear of rejection has been one too. I think pride has its benefits but I have doubted it lately because it can actually keep you more stuck as it is focused on ego and self preservation (to an obsessive degree) rather than self love and allowance.

 

If she's the one that broke up with you then it's up to her to contact you. Though it depends on the reasons of the BU. If she BU because you were neglectful and took her for granted maybe the ball is in your court. But you said she knows you're interested in reconciliation..so I'd say keep moving forward.

[matti]

I just remember that she's the one who walked away and therefore, if she wants to talk to me, she knows that there are multiple ways to reach me. If she hasn't contacted me, there's obviously a reason for that and I'm not going to go out of my way to find out exactly what those reasons are. Personally, I don't know why anyone would want to set themselves up like that.

 

I understand that hope does play a huge part in how people think and that sometimes we allow it to cloud our best judgement. I also suppose that maybe I haven't lost 100% hope as of yet myself. But, while I still hope that one day maybe things might eventually work out, I try to keep the "reality" of the situation near me at all times. If it were to work out, it's definitely not going to happen anytime in the very near future. By that I mean that there's definitely going to be enough time in between to move on, get my life back together and ultimately, clear my head to the point where I can take a step back and re-analyze the relationship from beginning to end and assess/determine whether another attempt would be worth the effort and hard work. During this time, I can either use it for or against me (or make or break myself). I've always been the type to use my negative emotions to fuel my more positive goals and endeavors. I've also seen people allow their failed relationship to kill their motivation and as a result, they allow the other positive aspects life to erode to the point where they hit rock bottom and have to start from scratch again. I've definitely worked way too hard to get where I am now to let that happen. I know you can probably relate bro. We're going to be just fine in the long run.

[John John]

Thanks matti and quirky!

 

She was the one who broke up with me. I treated her like a queen for 5 years, and she fell out of love with me. I definitely know now what I did to contribute; I got too comfortable and could have made her feel more special and support her on certain things that were important to her. But overall, I was very good to her, and I wanted to marry her. I was willing to work things out for sure. But she left, and she knows I want to reconcile. She said at one point (before NC) that she was always afraid to contact me because "I've already hurt you enough and don't want to make it worse." So I wonder if that will block her from getting in touch if she ever has an epiphany. But like you guys both said, I have to keep going with NC no matter what.

 

It definitely sucks...but now that I'm starting month 2 of NC, hopefully it will get a little easier.

[Snow93]

Like other posters have said really. Pride and the knowledge that contacting will only serve to make things worse for you in the long run. I thought of contacting my ex as my own personal dirty drug habit. In the initial stages of post breakup I was very bad for contacting her and yes, while talking to her it...did't feel okay but it was better than being alone (so I thought) even if we were arguing or something, it was still comforting because I knew where she was and what she was doing. In a twisted way, we were still "connected" while we were contacting. Right afterwards though? I would "crash": feel guilt for succumbing to the urge, stupidity for degrading myself to her by talking, clinging to her and general despair because she was gone and not coming back. I use that knowledge to keep me driving forward and I'm happy to say that apart from a very minor relapse late last month (after she threw some breadcrumbs to me) I've maintained NC for a good long while.

 

It helped me to mentally (hell, even write it down if you like) her negative traits. Anything. No matter how petty or shallow. It really helped me. The "Post here instead of contacting your ex" topic here on the forums is an absolute godsend. I rely on that topic a lot and it feels so good to vent, as bitter as you like. We don't judge here because we KNOW what it's like! It's a great feeling of camrederie too I feel, just being amongst other people who've been through it or are going through it.

 

Good luck man!

[matti]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I've thought about all of this myself, many times in fact. However, we've definitely made our point. They know how we feel and if they really want to reconcile, they'll move mountains to make it happen if they really want it bad enough. If they aren't willing to do that, then it's obviously not much of a priority. I don't know about you, but I personally rather be with someone who knows what they want and are certain enough that they'll go out of their way to make it happen. Not to sound arrogant to conceited, but I consider myself too good for someone who isn't sure of themselves or what they want. I hope by the time they come around (and hopefully they've thought long and hard and by then they've realized that they're going to have a hard time finding someone who better understands and cares for them like we did), we'll all have the dignity and self respect to expect the best or walk away. There's no room in my life for any less. I'm not going to just "settle" for any half-@ssed efforts just because we have a past together and at one point in time we were once happy and/or in love.

 

I've realized over time that it's best to remember the great memories as they were rather than try to replicate the past. Sometimes I look at a photo of an ex and I together and think to myself... We may not be together forever or for the rest of our lives even, but as far as the image and the space-time continuum is concerned, you will exist together forever at that very moment in time. No person, place or thing can ever take the from you my friend.

[matti]

It definitely sucks...but now that I'm starting month 2 of NC, hopefully it will get a little easier.

 

Like you, I'm also starting month 2 of NC. It's been an interesting month.

 

My ex also said something about talking or hanging out again after a period of not talking (or NC in our terms). I'm not sure if she was just saying that to ease her guilt or not, but I suppose only time will tell if she was full of it or not. Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who plays those games regardless. So, I guess it works out either way.

 

Right now however, every-time I get a notification/alert on my mobile phone, my heart skips a beat as I think to myself "Please don't be her right now!". Because I know that even if she did text right now, I doubt it'd because she wanted to reconcile, it'd most likely be for something pertaining to bills, mail and/or some other mundane purpose that had nothing to do with our relationship whatsoever.

 

Like I said the other day, I was about to leave for work when I saw a notice hanging on my apartment door with her name on it from the parcel company. Needless to say I was a bit irate, because now I either have to somehow obtain her address to forward it to her parent's home with a letter telling her to get her sh*t together and change her address with everyone or return it to the sender with a note to the parcel service stating that she no longer resides here. I've seriously thought about just chucking the package in the garbage and forgetting about it. Besides, why should I have to deal with it. Her problems are no longer my responsibility. She lost that privilege the moment she walked out the door. If she never receives the package however, I might hear from her, asking if I got a package and then I'd have to explain that one, haha. Even if I'd love to give her a piece of my mind for disturbing my life and healing, I know I'm much better than that, and that's definitely not going to help any, regardless of what the future may hold.

[kz91]

Deleting the number. But with me, my ex has also changed her number, I think.

 

It gets easier, I promise.

[Fraggle]

Been 7 months NC now, and I have contemplated breaking the silence on a number of occasions, but in the end my pragmatism has gotten the better of me. What would it achieve, how would I react, am I ready for any form of contact?

 

It is difficult for me to say exactly who broke up with who as she argues it was me and I argued it was her....

 

She was not belligerent in person, but not very nice by e-mail

 

SO another Sunday and another is she waiting for me to contact her thought....

 

I seriously doubt it, she was and is far more emotionally detached and able to compartmentalise emotions than I was, probably one of our main differing factors

 

For all I know she is with someone else now, which initially I struggled with, but now I'm relatively acceptant of it, not that I would want it thrust in my face

 

I've been with someone for a few months so why wouldn't she?

 

See these above thoughts are what keep me in the land of NC right now, although part of me definitely feels far more detached from her than I have done for a long time.

 

Guess I keep NC, maintain the pride and self worth, so long as it's not me and her being so stubborn that we're avoiding something that could be resolved... : /

[John John]

Just made eye contact with my ex as she passed by (I'm in a coffee shop we used to always hang out at, she walked by).

 

My heart literally stopped. I'm ok for now... But damn, I hope I don't break down later.

 

Why is love so }%*€% painful and complicated?

[John John]

And the couple next to me is planning a wedding. Fml.

[kz91]

A few things helped me with the whole NC thing..

 

1) it's not worth it anymore.

2) they're not worth it anymore.

3) if they wanted to text you, they would, it's not hard.

4) texting each will prevent you from moving on.

5) it puts you back in step one and you don't want that.

6) DELETE THE NUMBER.

7) you won't be able to let go if that's what you're trying to do.

 

You just have to be strong, the only thing that can help you is yourself..

[dumPI]

Helped me knowing that there is REALLY nothing you can do to get her back

[MissMetamatics]

I have been in no contact for 12 days. I was with my husband for a total of 5 1/2 years and married 18 months. He had an affair and he is being an azz, so luckily for me it has made it surprisingly easy to want to continue no contact. I know when I talk to him, I have to start the healing process all over again. It is like having a wound that just barely started to scab over and picking at the scab, so the wound has to heal all over again. If that makes sense?

 

Instead of dating, why dont you take up a hobby or do something to keep yourself busy? That way you won't be obsessing over how hard it is without her...at least I know if I do not do something to keep myself busy, then I drive myself crazy rehashing the failures of my relationship, instead of focusing on making myself better.

[MissMetamatics]

Like you, I'm also starting month 2 of NC. It's been an interesting month.

 

Like I said the other day, I was about to leave for work when I saw a notice hanging on my apartment door with her name on it from the parcel company. Needless to say I was a bit irate, because now I either have to somehow obtain her address to forward it to her parent's home with a letter telling her to get her sh*t together and change her address with everyone or return it to the sender with a note to the parcel service stating that she no longer resides here. I've seriously thought about just chucking the package in the garbage and forgetting about it..

 

Matti, I know the feeling! I get my soon to be ex husbands mail ALL THE TIME. We haven't been together in about 10 weeks. But it is annoying. My husbands mother lives near me and for awhile I was taking it to her house. But then I started thinking WHY? Why am I making sure he gets his mail. I asked him 14 times before I started no contact, to change his damn address, especially with his Credit Union. He tells me "I have already", but I still end up getting his mail. So I am just going to write "return to sender", it is not my responsibility to make sure he gets his mail. He is almost 39 and is a big boy, so he should be capable of calling them and letting them know. But yes, I agree it is frustrating and irritating. So do not break no contact and return to sender. If she starts not getting her mail, then she will go to the post office wondering why.

[John John]

I started the gym again this weekend, and I have to say....it definitely helps. I was forced to join a more luxurious gym in our neighborhood since the ex joined the gym i used to go to. I'm meeting with a personal trainer this coming weekend. Luckily, I always eat right, and didn't get fat the 5 years I was with her.

 

Revenge body, here I come!!

[Staples 29]

And for extra meaure - DELETE all contact details. That way you can't but not stick with NO contact

 

I sent an emotional email about 5 days after the disagreement which broke us up saying how the whole thing made me feel, sent it to him (turned into yet another argument); deleted that and his number right after and was done with it.

 

The only other contact I had afterwards was again by email to confirm that I had NOT received money he was to send to me after collecting my bank details. Bet that dented his ego even more. He replied to that surprisingly but nothing of worth and I have NEVER attempted to contact him again. This was our second break up by the way after he begged me back.

 

Probably helped that I know his ego was bruised and I told him right when we got back together I faked some of my orgasms (admittedly because I didn't want him to wonder why I wasn't having one every time we had sex; plus I didn't want to fake it anymore); even though we didn't have sex because we were taking it slow and rebuilding our 'relationship'... Lol. I had to stick that in there.

 

 

It will get easier with time. Now it doesn't occur to me to contact him even when I get random moments of longing. Envisioning my very beautiful next boyfriend also helps (who said daydreams were for kids alone)

 

3.5 months down the line and sometimes it hurts; sometimes I don't remember; sometimes I don't care; sometimes I randomly burst into tears; sometimes I'm happy reminiscing; sometimes I think he must know what he's missing.

 

Long story short - I know one day I am going to thank him for letting me go and that makes it all worth it.

[John John]

Yup, I did all of that. I deleted her number (though I've still got it memorized, and my mom still has it haha), and all of her emails (though I still also memorized her email). I also deleted and blocked her on Facebook and Google chat so I won't even see her name come up.

 

Some days are worse than others. Unfortunately, she lives in my neighborhood, so we're bound to run into each other at some point. I go in circles between wanting her back and not wanting her back. And then I sometimes want to 'get through' all this pain so I can become indifferent to her, and THEN look into the possibility of reconciliation.

 

I guess it's up to fate. I'm not sure how much I believe in fate, but if there's one thing I know...I am not a patient person. Guess I have to learn lol