Never thought I'd be posting here, but..don't see the point anymore.

[PhilliesFan001]

I'm not saying I want to kill myself right away, I'm not in that kind of anguish. I just don't really see the point in going on anymore really. I don't even have good reasons for it.

 

I have a lovely fiance who loves me very much, a good family and a few close friends. My job is okay. Nothing dramatic or overly tragic has happened to me in the last few years. Rough childhood but who hasn't had one of those?

 

For the past few months I've just been feeling like I really don't like myself. I hate who I am. I try to be a good, likeable person, but I think I'm failing miserably. I work hard, I do nice things for people, I'm social, I try to always be cheery, but I just don't like me. I don't like my personality and I'm sure other people don't either. I feel like my friends are drifting away and that's most likely because of how horribly annoying I am. My "closest" friends don't really include me in many things lately, don't confide in me as much. It has me wondering if our friendships have been superficial this whole time, and only I thought we were close. Maybe I was stupid.

 

My fiance loves me, I do love him, but I also feel a bit suffocated. We're very different and I'm afraid our lifestyles don't mesh in the end. But I love him too much to use that as a reason to leave.

 

I don't really know where this is going. I guess I just don't like me so I suspect nobody else does either. Who knows if it's true. My family says they love me, but why would they? How do you even know if they do? They're pretty much obligated to. Same with my friends.

 

I don't feel depressed or desperate to end my life, but I also don't feel much about going forward. Maybe this whole 'suicide' thing isn't that terrible in the end, I don't think I'd be hurting too many people and it's not like I've got a whole lot going on right now. I probably couldn't anyway, too scared to die, but it's an idea I suppose.

 

I don't know why I'm writing this either. Couldn't imagine telling anybody else I guess! I don't know where to go from here.

[happyfrank]

I'm sorry you feel down. You can only go up. Everybody on this community cares. You don't want to miss phillies win any world series title either.

[pl3asehelp]

Can you describe your lifestyle and give more detail on why you feel it doesn't mesh with your husband?

[Heather Dawn]

Your fiance certainly isn't obligated to love you, but he clearly wants to spend his life with you - so unless you're saying he's a loser with bad taste, you should probably let his love bolster you while you try to seek help for what sounds like depression.

[Capricorn3]

I feel like my friends are drifting away and that's most likely because of how horribly annoying I am. .

Can you elaborate on this part please? In what way do you believe you are "horribly annoying"?

[allison2777]

I can relate to how you feel where you "dont like who you are". I feel the same way sometimes, like I just do or say dumb things sometimes. But honestly I usually begin feeling more like this if people begin to become disinterested in me or I feel like they arent paying enough attention to me. I know that I have a very fun personality but it takes ideal conditions for me to be "myself". Also, if you been living with these feelings for a while it may seem like your life isnt going to change, however how is your life supposed to change if you stick to the same routine daily. If you give yourslef things to focus on, and excel at them then youll begin to trust yourself and like yourself because your achieving more. Also, when you interact with your friends/family do you try to figure out what they may need from you? Like maybe they need a positive word of encouragement, a invite for a drink, or maybe they may just want you to sit there and listen. I feel you may be focused on how people dont "like" you as if your one of those same people! Instead of looking at it from the prospective of what can I do to make people like me?

If anything you should want to go on because your fiance obviously loves you and has meshed his life around yours. If that not enough reason to "go on" then you need to re-evaluate your love for him.

[HeartGoesOn]

If I had to take a wild guess, I would say it sounds like you're suffering from depression. Have you thought about making an appointment with your PCP?

[agent1607307371]

Go to your doctor. Please go.

 

You sound like me, like I was for a large chunk of my life. You can get help, you can move forward, you can like and love yourself again.