Chances of getting back together after ex has fallen out of love?

[John John]

The thing is for me, nothing bad actually happened per se. I think she just became bored and slowly drifted away from me. We were so busy focusing on our respective school/careers that we took each other for granted. This was NEVER the case early on. We always had fun plans initially, but as our adult resposibilities grew, we did fun things less and less. And I know lift just gets busier, but I would hope that, if we ever did try again, we both know that that we both have to make the effort, no matter how busy things are.

[Huntress0527]

The thing is for me, nothing bad actually happened per se. I think she just became bored and slowly drifted away from me. We were so busy focusing on our respective school/careers that we took each other for granted. This was NEVER the case early on. We always had fun plans initially, but as our adult resposibilities grew, we did fun things less and less. And I know lift just gets busier, but I would hope that, if we ever did try again, we both know that that we both have to make the effort, no matter how busy things are.

 

If someone became bored with me that tells me that they really aren't into me or that they met someone else. In either situation, they wouldn't be coming back if they asked for another chance.

[PaintWithLight]

So you are saying people who break up should never get back together? How about those people go get back together, got married and have children?

 

I do not agree with that logic, but I'm not in your mind so meh. Most people I know have broken up with their SO once and got married.

 

Sometimes something is broken, but with time/space it can be fixed. Only if both give 100% and things change!

 

If my ex were to come back, well we would succeed because what broke us up, is gone! And stay's gone!

 

For every example you give for a couple that got back together and were married, there a hundreds of more successful breakups that were done because of all the right reasons.

 

Even your married couple probably had a breakup or two in their past before they met. Those breakups were actually necessary to free them to actually meet their future mate. You can play chicken and the egg all you want. Most breakups happen for a reason, most reasons are valid, most incompatibilities mean intact.

 

Easy to change your selection than to expect your person to change.

[John John]

If someone became bored with me that tells me that they really aren't into me or that they met someone else. In either situation, they wouldn't be coming back if they asked for another chance.

 

There isn't anyone else, I know that much. 5 years she was always honest with me, and I really believe her when she said there wasn't anyone else at all. She just got bored and felt that we weren't right for each other (which she NEVER said until the very end). I believe it's a case of GIGS syndrome that caused her to fall out of love. But I don't know 100%, and never will know. We will see what happens.

[alomejor]

MCJD4ever, i know exactly how you feel, your words would literally come out of my mouth as well.

 

I broke up with my bf of 4 years a month ago, same as you and your ex, we were really in love at one point, got along super well, had lots of wonderful time and memories. both families have met, everyone was thinking we should be married soon. I have every reason to believe we should have a future together. But he never pop the question.

 

In the past year,the relationship was still loving but i have started to feel like we are more like close friends, sex life was almost non-existence in the past 6 month, he was not interested, and honestly i was not interestd either because his lack of interest made feel i was unsexy and undesirable, it started to feel weird, like i no longer felt like i was a woman anymore when we were together, and a deeper connection or real intimacy was lost. Although i still love him deeply, and almost certain he's the one, sometimes, i cann't help but wondering, is it what our life going to be like if we really get married? We were sure very happy together, but maybe that deeper connection isn't always build on happiness only. I don't know. But i still love him very much and i was willing to work it out with him if he wants the same thing. He told me he's not sure about our future, so i broke it off. Later on he confessed that he still loves me, but not feeling in love anymore. So i guess that's what makes him undecided. And i was shocked when i heard that he felt out of love, because all the time, he was behaving like a loving bf.

 

Anyway, that missing intimacy feeling is definetly one of the reasons that makes me decide to finally break it off . Although it's extremly painful for both of us. 4 yrs is not short time. Now i am feeling much better, are able to see things clearly and rationally, i believe that unsaisfied sex life is definetly the main thing to blame for loss of intimacy between us. Without it, how do you feel that you are a man or a woman? And how do you expect to see the sparks between two people who lost their sexual identities in a way to comfortable relationship? And when you don't make any effort to make her/him to feel special, when men fail to give to please women, and women fail to receive and appreciate in a relationship,plus without sex, what makes a couple different than just regular close friends?

 

That's what i have figured out so far, hope it will be helpful to you. Truth is, although i am still healing, still miss my ex dearly, still somehow hold hope that we could be together one day, somehow by focusing on myself, doing the things i love, i feel like i am an attractive woman again, that feeling just brought some light to these difficult days.

[John John]

Wow alomejor. Your story is strikingly similar to mine. It was actually painful for me to read your story because I feel it is virtually identical to mine.

 

And the way you put really hit me. How can I feel like a man (and my ex, a woman) if our sex life is virtually non-existent? I definitely think we got way too comfortable. It's definitely a mistake that we were BOTH guilty of. There were plenty of nights I put the moves on my ex, and she wasn't interested, and vice versa. Either one of us (or both) were always tired due to our hectic schedules, and I guess in our minds it was like "eh, she/he will always be there, we can have sex tomorrow night." And that's how our sex life (which was once awesome) fell apart.

 

I definitely learned from this. Going forward, no matter how long I'm with a woman...I'm really going to make every effort possible to make her feel special and sexy. I told my ex every day how beautiful and sexy she was...and while I'm sure that was nice to hear, actions speak much louder than words.

[Reflective82]

I'm sure it can happen, but I too drove myself crazy with this. I got similar reasons from my ex bf after 4.5 years "i'm not in love with you anymore, I don't see a future, I've wanted my feelings to change." It's been 7 months and he hasn't come back. Just don't get too much false hope.

[John John]

I know. Thanks Reflective. I'm trying as hard as I can not to. I have been dating other girls here and there.

 

Funny for me though, this kind of hope actually reinforces me to stick with NC. Because I have to prove my ex that I am strong and that I'm just fine without her. And NC is also the only tool I have to heal myself right now. So for me, even though this hope is somewhat debilitating at times, it has helped me to keep NC in a weird way, if that makes sense.

[alomejor]

to MCJD4ever, i have been reading relationship books after the breakup, you know, trying to figure out what happened and why, i found two really helping me to identify the problem in my relationship.

 

one is ' I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship' by Andrew G. Marshall, the other is ' Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right! ' by Patricia Allen.

 

The first one mentioned that one of the reason of this fallen out of love thing is lack of argument between couples, it's surprisingly true to my case, we rarely argue, and we agree with each other almost on everything. I am not saying we are not independent people anymore, but we are too much like one person, and somehow, you lose a bit of your own identity. And when you act too much like 'one person', desire is lost, tension is gone. So i guess even two people are really compatible, we still need to strive to be 'different' in order to keep the spark.

 

The second book, says that in a relationship, there is always a male and female energy, and it needs to balance, you need to pick your role and you do certain things to play your role and keep that balance. Reading this makes me realize that in my relationship, lack of health sex life and other habit just broke this balance. For example, my ex was a really sweet and considerate person, he always asked for my opinion and let me make a lots of decisions for both, while i appropriate he respected my feeling when he consulted me, i felt that i would love to follow him, make him the leader of us two, that's what female energy should do most of time. So while my ex had some complaints that i was sometimes "bossy', he continued to consult me on everything, i kept making the decisions, it's really frustrating, i felt like sometimes i was the 'boss' or the 'man' in this relationship and i didn't like that feeling. And you bet that will kill any sexual desire. I don't know what's your relationship like, but my point is, when you are getting too comfortable together, sometimes this male and female role blurred, and you got thrown off the ying-yang balance.

[John John]

Thanks alomejor. I think of the 2 books you mentioned, the second one speaks more to our relationship. And I honestly never thought of it that way. But it definitely makes sense. I think part of the loss of attraction was the blurring of our roles. The thing with my ex was that she is a feminist and doesn't necessarily believe that the man should be head of the household. So while I tried to be assertive whenever possible, I wasn't overbearingly so. But I'm wondering if maybe subconsciously (even though she claims differently), this made her feel less attacted to me.

 

All I know is, I'm sticking to NC indefinitely. She has my number if she wants to find me.

[mochi8]

Your story sounds just like mine. My bf of 7 years broke up with me because he said his feelings changed. I did two months if NC to LC. He contacted me and we kept our conversation light. After two months, we got back together. We talked and kept everything slow and easy.

 

To tell you the truth, after being with someone for such a long time it is impossible not to miss or care but that might not be the reason for them to get back wih you. Take some time and do things for yourself. I am glad I did. After a month or two, you will have a clearer sight of what you want in the relationship.

[matti]

I too have been finding many similarities between my most recent relationship and both of yours (MCDD4ever and alomejor). The time we spent together wasn't nearly as long (between 1.25 to 1.5 years rather than 4 or 5). However, what you read and wrote above, alomejor, totally hit real close to home.

 

My ex and I never actually argued. Sure, we'd have disagreements, but not very often and we never once yelled at each other or fought in the traditional sense of the word. I also found myself being very passive towards her as well. The main reason is because she had a long-term illness/disability and I tried my hardest to understand life from her point of view and give her as much slack as I possibly could. When we did in fact have a disagreement, I never really stood up for my beliefs or even put up a fight. This is mainly because I felt as if my opinions/arguments were trivial and petty compared to what she had been and was constantly going through, especially because, I've never walked a mile in her shoes. When you're constantly trying to sympathize with someone in such a state, especially a loved one, it's hard to disagree with them. I realize now that I wasn't only subconsciously providing an excuse to silently bow out of each conversation/disagreement, but I was doing more damage than I could have ever realized. Now that I think about it, I bore the hell out of myself.

 

I can also see how our roles might have gotten confusing as well, since we're so much alike when we're being ourselves, minus her illness. Also, our birthdays are literally one week apart, we share the same sign and we're the same age, with me being a bit older, by a week. Not that I believe in horoscopes and all the superstitious beliefs, but I do believe that because we're so close in age and have many similar tastes, views, hobbies, talents and so on, there was rarely anything new to bring to the table.

 

Thus far, I myself have been NC as well. I haven't really been counting the days. After all, I felt as if staying in contact wasn't going to do either of us any good. Especially immediately after the relationship, while we're both attempting to work on our lives.

[fentiger]

It can happen! Have been back with my 'ex' 2.5 years now - see my post on the 'getting back together really does happen' thread

[Chelsea1987]

Hi I really need your help Please. I was with my fiancée for 5years (engaged for 2 and a half) We're each others first love she was 17 I was 20 when we first met. We never had any big arguments and always happy with each other. We were planning on moving out at the end of the year and a wedding next year. Then she dropped this bombshell on me. we didn't see each other for a week due to work. Then she tells me she wants to break up because she doesn't feel the same anymore and doesn't feel anything for me. I haven't seen her for 4 weeks now we have spoke on the phone but only talking about why we broke up. That was a week ago. Is there anything I can do to get her back?maybe give her another 2weeks then ask to meet up? I don't know what to do but I feel like I don't want to give up. Please help if you can. Thanks

[walrein100]

Any new news on what happened in your life now after 3 years??...

My situation is around the same as all u guys. This actually gives me hope on NC more importantly on myself. It really feels like a shame when a person u were with for so long(mine 2 years) breaks up and suddenly stops loving.

[boltnrun]

John John and walrein 100 .. any update on your respective situations? I am in the same situation and would like to know your updates. Thanks guys!

 

A better idea would be to start your own thread. Reviving 9 year old and 6 year old threads is unlikely to get any responses, especially since the OPs are usually long gone.

 

Maybe the current posters can help.