Boyfriend cheated/moved in with other woman - I can't move on

[bluesyvox]

I have been lurking here on the forum for the past couple of weeks and reading that I’m not alone has been a tremendous help to me. It’s been almost a month since my breakup and I still can’t wrap my mind around what happened/how it happened. I still think about him when I wake, when I go to sleep, and all day. I think most of my friends are tired of hearing about it – they all just feel like I should have moved on already. I’m finding that very difficult to do. So, I’m here now to tell my story (sorry so long) and for some support.

 

My now ex-boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years before we ever actually started dating. I was always attracted/drawn to him from the time I met him but it was just never the right time – he would be dating other girls or I would be dating someone etc. This past summer we started hanging out A LOT and gradually things seemed like they were starting to change between us. However, me being the chicken I am was afraid to say anything (wasn’t sure he felt the same way and didn’t want to ruin the friendship). Then all of a sudden the subject of him moving out of state for awhile came up. I thought – great, you should’ve said something – now he’s leaving. Well, wouldn’t you know it – that’s when everything did change and we ended up getting together. He was only supposed to be going out of state for 2 months and then coming back home. He was going to a family members to get away for awhile – things hadn’t been good for him here for awhile and he just wanted to get away and straighten himself up and become a better, stronger person (or so he said). So, we decided to have a long distance relationship for the 2 months he was to be there (he already had his return flight booked – flying back on my birthday). So, we called/texted/skyped every day and things were going ok. Anyone who’s ever been in a long distance relationship knows how hard they can be. About a month in all of a sudden he mentions something about scheduling his return flight from here when he came back. I was confused and that’s when he told me he had decided to stay in Texas. He also decided he did not want to have a long distance relationship indefinitely and so we broke up. I was crushed but we still talked quite often and he still wanted to see me when he came up for a few weeks (we had already made plans to do stuff when he got back).

 

Fast forward to my birthday – he flies in and as soon as we see each other the sparks were flying. He gave me a huge hug and started kissing me. It kind of caught me off guard because I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect when he got here (but I had hoped that he would have a change of heart when he saw me). We were driving up to Seattle for the weekend and he was holding my hand while driving telling me how much he still cared about me. Later that night while we were at a concert he ran into an old friend of his and I was introduced as his girlfriend (I was like YESSS!!). Well, we were inseparable for the 3 weeks he was here. It was absolutely amazing – it felt like we’re magnets – just drawn to each other. This time – I completely fell in love with him. I have never in my life felt the way I felt with him (and I was married for 15 years). I was dreading him leaving again because I figured – well, we had our fun and that’s going to be it. Instead, a few days before he was leaving he surprised me and asked me to come to Texas with him. I didn’t even hesitate before saying yes – I KNEW I wanted to be with this man. I loved him, my kids loved him and we were great together. He ended up talking with my mom about the plan (just a discussion between the 2 of them) and my mom said “wherever the grandkids go, I go” and my mom was on board too. My mom could see how happy I was with him and was willing to support my decision. However, we decided we would wait until Summer (June) to move so my son could finish out his year of school here first. Next, I had to talk to my ex-husband (kids’ dad) about moving the kids out of state (he lives in another state already). Right after that my ex had talked to an uncle of his that lives in Oregon and he was encouraging him to move up to Oregon instead of staying in Texas (this would put my ex closer to his 2 kids). So, instead of Texas the official plan became he would move up to Oregon in June and the kids and I would follow as soon as my son was out of school.

 

Knowing how we struggled the last time we tried to do long-distance I put him on the spot and reminded him that he said he didn’t want to do long distance before and asked him if he was SURE. He said he had no choice – he wanted to be with me and this was what we had to do and we had a time frame so it wasn’t going to be indefinite. It was VERY hard to say goodbye when the time came for him to fly back to Texas. However, at the same time I was so full of love and happiness and was looking forward to the future.

 

We called/texted/skyped every day again and were doing everything we could to make things work. Unfortunately, I was the one who wasn’t handling the distance well this time. I became very insecure. My ex-husband was a long haul trucker and cheated on me and left me for his truck stop bartender 2 weeks before our second child was born (needless to say that took a LONG time to get over). So, unfortunately I let that “baggage” make me scared that my boyfriend would find someone else down there. He assured me he DID NOT want anyone else and that he loved me. I also got very lonely – I got used to having him around all the time – so I was still adjusting. Overall, we loved each other tremendously and agreed we were not going to allow either of us to push the other one away. He was also under a lot of stress because after he got back down to Texas him and his uncle (who he was staying with and helping) were fighting constantly and his uncle kept almost kicking him out. He didn’t have a job there yet, no money, no car etc.

 

On Jan 2nd he texted me when he got home from somewhere and we had a completely normal conversation and then all of a sudden….POOF. He disappeared for a WEEK. I didn’t know what was going on. He hadn’t texted, called, hadn’t been on FB..nothing. I became a little worried at first – wondered if his uncle had kicked him out. Or thought maybe he was just staying at his friends (he would escape from his uncle’s and stay with friends occasionally) and didn’t have wifi (his phone had gotten shut off so the only way he could call/text was through Google voice if he had wifi). I was very proud of myself and didn’t blow up his phone lol. I sent a text here and there just telling him what I was up to and hoped everything was ok.

 

On Jan 8th he finally got on facebook and I caught him on chat. I asked if everything was ok and told him I had been worried. He said “I’m ok. Moved out and in with a friend up north. While I have net I have to be honest with you. I wasn’t faithful. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say but the truth.” Of course, I was absolutely stunned – my stomach just dropped. I start rapid firing questions “Is that who you’re living with now”, “Do you still love me and want to be with me?”, “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me?”. He answers “Not avoiding you. Only have net when out and about. I do love you and I’m sorry.” I asked him how it happened – was he drunk, lonely what? He answered “Yes and yes but no excuse I know. Then he says “I moved in with her and then it happened.”. Then he lost internet and went offline. I had just had a BOMB dropped on me and had no way to contact him and would have to wait for him to come back online. I WAS A MESS. However, my first instinct was – how do we fix this? I ended up sending him a message that night on FB so he would see it the next time he had net. I basically said that I wanted us to try and work through this but that he would have to come home if he wanted to work things out. There was no more trust long distance at all. I offered to help get him home if that’s what he wanted.

 

Three days later on the 11th he finally gets back online and I catch him on chat again and ask if he got my msg. He said “I did. I just got a job yesterday.” So, I said “So, you’re staying there then?” He says “I finally have a job and a place to live for the first time in 2 years, granted it is with the woman I slept with. I’m not leaving now”, “I’m not going back to my uncles” “My uncle in Oregon had other people move in with him so I can’t go there now” Faced with the reality of the situation and that I was losing him I asked if he wanted me to come to Texas. He said “That’s not going to work”. I asked why since that was the original plan before Oregon and he says “because I’m still sleeping with her” and then he went offline.

 

This time, I completely broke down. I felt like my world had just fallen apart. I felt like I lost my soulmate. I was in so much pain and felt humiliated – how could he just up and move in with some chick without telling me and cheat on me? How do you do that to someone you love? He had my whole family involved in our plans, all my friends knew I would be moving and here I was a mere month later being pitied by everyone.

 

After processing it for a couple of days I finally sent a long message to him on FB – basically my goodbye letter (I suppose totally the WRONG thing to do). I told him how I felt about the whole situation and how much I loved him etc. I told him that I wished the best for him and that I wanted him to be happy. Inside I was falling apart tho.

 

The next day I get a notification on FB that someone commented on a status of his I had commented on (the status was from a week or two before this all happened and said “if someone can’t accept you at your worst they don’t deserve you at your best” After everything had happened I commented “To err is human, to forgive divine.” The person who commented was a girl’s name I didn’t recognize so I clicked on her name – and guess who it was? Yup, it was the other woman. Her timeline was public and there were pictures of him and pictures of her and him together. I went to go back to his status and all of a sudden couldn’t view it anymore. He had just friended her and then deleted me. I was stunned. Then I realized that he was tagged under a different name in her pictures and found out he had created another FB page under a fake name on Jan 8th (right before he told me he cheated on me, he loved me and he was sorry). On this fake profile he was in a relationship with her. So, he wasn’t just “sleeping” with her – they were in a relationship. I cannot even begin to describe how it felt finding all this out.

 

That night on my way home from work all of a sudden I get a text from him saying “I got your message. I am very sorry. I wish the best for you to. I will call you when I can.” Then 10 minutes later he sends another text saying “I think we both still have a lot to say. Unless you wish for me to not contact you anymore.” Well, after everything I had found out that day my response was pretty snooty unfortunately..I was very hurt and some anger had finally kicked in. I told him “You can contact me if you want. Afterall, we were friends before all of this. I don’t know why you deleted me on FB. I figure it was self preservation. You didn’t want her to find out about me or vise versa.” He never responded after that.

 

Well, after that I did something I am VERY not proud of. I acted completely immature and lashed out. I had one of my friends, who was still friends with him, comment on that same status the girl had commented on. The comment said: “You already had someone who loved you unconditionally and accepted you at your worst. Then you recently chose to move in with someone else without telling her and cheated on her. She didn’t deserve that.” Of course, then my friend took it upon herself to add her own flair too and told him good luck with that judgement call and called him a f*ck up. I guess it was my way of letting the girl know (if she saw the comment before he deleted it) that he had a girlfriend when he moved in with her etc. Well, needless to say…I am now not only deleted. I am now blocked too as is my friend. Such a stupid, stupid thing to do. I have so much regret about that. That was 2 weeks ago and of course – I have not heard a thing from him and don’t expect I ever will.

 

I guess I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact of how everything happened. This is a man who daily told me how much he loved me, was looking forward to the future with me and my kids – how the heck do they just move on like it was nothing??? I feel completely (excuse my language)…mindf*cked. It took me 2 ½ years to let my walls down and let someone completely in and allow myself to love again after what happened with my ex-husband. Now, here I am…same thing happened again…right down to the girl being a bartender too. Needless to say this had now resurfaced a lot of old hurts too. It seems like he wanted out of his uncle’s so freakin’ bad that he seized the first opportunity he came accross and I basically became a casualty of that decision.

 

I barely eat, I have a hard time sleeping, it’s all I can think about. I have even tortured myself by looking at her FB page and seeing pics of them together (him looking happy). I need to figure out a way of figuring out how to let this all go and so far I haven’t been able to. Despite everything I still love him with all of my heart and I miss him so much. I think I’m stuck on the fact of – I want my life back – I want US back. I keep wondering if he’ll come back when they break up – how sad is that?

 

Thank you so much for letting me vent. If anyone has any suggestions on what might help me move on I would be grateful. So far I have stayed no contact since the night he texted and plan on continuing to do so. Now, if I could just stay off of FB…sheesh. Why do we insist on torturing ourselves???

[SpottiOtti]

Hiiiijole chingado. I am so sorry about what this A-hole did to you. Wow. There aren't any words I can say that your friends haven't already - you just have to mourn the loss of this dream you had with him and let time do its work.

 

I hope you will do yourself a huge favor and stop it with the FB stalking. I understand it's very tempting but it will only eat you up inside. Strength, bluesyvox. You've got it - you're a mother! You can do this. You were you, before you met him. You're still you and there is NOTHING wrong with you - remember that. This D-bag rejected you because HE is a flawed and selfish human being, not because there is anything wrong with you.

 

Hugs.

[tjcalif]

What a pile of S***..... I am very sorry.. I was just like you in my last relationship I finally let my wall down and relaxed then bamm A bomb dropped..

There is nothing you can do but keep your head high and shine him on if and he will contacts you. Don't give him the time of day!

IMO the facebokk message he deserved it.. Don't feel bad. It is a good thing he blocked you cause all looking at his facebook profile is going to hurt you. He did you a favor blocking you. I couldn't imagine how you feel but know you have cyber friends who are here if you need to talk

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He knew what your worst fear was because of what your ex husband did...and then turned around and did the same thing. Sadly it is often hard to identify a person with a vicious streak and that vicious streak comes out when they decide to dump their partner. Your ex is not a lover, he is an opportunist. Actually you dodged a bullet. Had you uprooted your life for him he would have cheated on you and dumped you in a heartbeat. At least you are safe and sound in your own place with your own life and you didn't change anything. The new woman is being used and will be dumped just as harshly once your ex finds a more lucrative opportunity. Your ex is basically a con man.

[1 point 21]

Bluesyvox...you're at the worst stage, right now. How you handle what he did to you will determine how your life goes from here.

 

Take comfort in your very first sentence...you ARE healing...believe it or not. A very selfish person was able to get into your life and do damage...it happens...why do you think we're all on this site????

 

Right now the very last thing you want to hear...is that its over. Control what happens from here on...don't include embarrassment (over your reactions to his behavior) as part of any future regrets when you're reminded of him. The best reaction (and you know this deep inside) is to stop being insecure, start working-out, flirt with other guys, lean on your friends and I promise you...life will start getting dramatically better.

 

Before you know it, you'll start shaking your head wondering what the hell you were thinking when you were with him...lol. Have faith in yourself...you'll make it through the rain. You're not alone. It's why this site exists...it's why there are thousands of songs written about heart-break.

 

Keep your chin-up...and realize this is one of the best things that has ever happened to you. Good Luck! : )

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree. You've dodged a bullet.

 

She's not lucky to have him. She has a guy that cheated with her on his girlfriend. Not exactly a catch.

 

Now you see his true colours. He has acted disgustingly and a truly horrible person.

 

Stay strong and know you deserve and will find better.

[Fletcher100]

There are no words I'm sure that can make you feel better right now and we all know because we all have been there. All I can tell you is that you're much better person than he's and eventually it'll come back to him.

Meanwhile do you want me to kick his ass? I'd be more than happy to.

Hugs

[bluesyvox]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I know what he did was wrong, and I know that it has entirely everything to do with him and not me. However, I think it's normal to go through the "What could I have done differently to prevent this from happening" stage. It's all still just very, very surreal at this stage. I know I'm healing, slowly but surely, but sometimes you wish there was a magic wand you could wave so you didn't have to go through all the pain and suffering. I'm just trying to still get past the "I want him back" phase.

 

I've been trying to think positively and trying to distract myself as much as possible - it's been helping a bit. On New Year's he and I made a resolution that 2013 was going to be the "Year of No Fear" - I'm following through on that without him. I'm preparing to move back into my old house that I had to abandon 2 years ago (when my ex-husband left). The bank still hasn't foreclosed and I'm trying to do a mortgage modification now to save it (the house has been in my family since it was built in '63). So, cleaning it up etc has been a welcome distraction. It's like going home & getting a piece of me back Next after that I want to start auditioning for bands (I'm a singer) and I've always wanted to go to Nursing school. So, time to quit being scared and do it. Just want to stay busy at this point so I don't have as much time to think.

 

I have kept myself from stalking on FB for 2 days now...I know that's been delaying my healing but it was like a sick, twisted curiosity. I'm trying to just let that go now - I'm trying to pretend he doesn't exist anymore. I agree that it probably was a blessing that he deleted and blocked me. As for the comment thing on FB - while I regret it and it was immature - he did deserve it and for that whole day I felt GREAT.

 

I'm so glad this forum exists and for the support. Thank you all again! And Fletcher...your comment about kicking his ass brought a genuine, much needed, smile to my face Thank you.

[SpottiOtti]

The Year of No Fear - I love that! I hope everything works out with the house and good luck with auditioning and getting into nursing school! By December you'll be so happy and busy you'll wonder why you ever cared about that D-bag. Keep your head up!!

[bluesyvox]

Thanks Spotti...that's my hope. Be happy and busy and take care of me.

[Ashley29]

He knew what your worst fear was because of what your ex husband did...and then turned around and did the same thing. Sadly it is often hard to identify a person with a vicious streak and that vicious streak comes out when they decide to dump their partner. Your ex is not a lover, he is an opportunist. Actually you dodged a bullet. Had you uprooted your life for him he would have cheated on you and dumped you in a heartbeat. At least you are safe and sound in your own place with your own life and you didn't change anything. The new woman is being used and will be dumped just as harshly once your ex finds a more lucrative opportunity. Your ex is basically a con man.

 

I totally agree with this! I am sorry that happened to you, but I hope you will soon realize how lucky you are that he is not in your life anymore! Hugs.

[Fletcher100]

A piece of advise to you and everyone else here about the Facebook situation. Once he blocked you we already know you can't get into seeing his profile but remember this is fresh and as time goes by he may unblock you and by that time you may still be in the process of healing. Seeing stuff may bring you back to square one and all the hard work would be on the garbage so I suggest go to your Facebook account and block the email address he uses for his account that way he won't be able to look at you once he thinks is ok to be friends again or in the most possible situation things not working out with the person he cheated on you with.

Just by curiosity, how old are you?

Lots of hugs to you my dear

[Kaytie]

You seem like a great woman and I agree that you and your kids have certainly dodged a bullet. He did you a favour by showing his true colours before you uprooted all of your lives and moved states to be with him. I know it's painful, especially ending it the way he did. But I can tell you are strong and it sounds like you have a very good support network of friends and family to lean on. You got through having to start anew before, and you will again.

 

My partner's ex cheated on her in the exact same manner that her ex ex did so she too was done over twice in much the same fashion. It's a wonder she trusts me at all considering what's happened to her, but I want you to know it's possible. My partner never EVER thought she'd be able to trust another woman again, but we've been together for two years now and I've completely earned her trust (I also have never, nor would I ever betray anyone!). She always says she's broken the pattern having found me - since I'm unlike anyone else she's been with. She also has a child and was extremely protective of having anyone else involved in her life and letting those walls down again. But I was patient, and she let me in. It CAN happen in time.

 

Big hugs to you. Reading your story was truly heartbreaking, but I do think you are in a good place emotionally, even if you may not feel that way. Keep going, distract yourself with your kids, family and friends and you will continue to heal

[bluesyvox]

Fletcher - thank you for the FB advice. I would not have thought about that. I am 38 - feeling like I'm going on 16 with how I'm handling the breakup lol.

 

Kaytie - it WILL be hard to trust again. I hope that I am as lucky as her and find someone eventually who will be patient as well and earn the trust. That being said, it's going to be quite awhile before I even test the waters again.

 

Thank you everyone again for being so supportive - this is such a great site!